“You said it doesn’t matter… You said my feelings and stuff don’t matter!!”
He cried out and shook off his hand. Baek Iseon’s empty hand grasped at the air. Even so, his face remained calm and unshaken.
“Yeah. I’ve decided not to care what you feel anymore.”
“Baek Iseon… You bastard…”
Finally, tears streamed down his cheeks. At that moment, Baek Iseon’s hand, which had been wandering in the air, cupped his wet cheek. The hand holding his cold cheek was also warm, so this time he couldn’t bring himself to push it away. He felt Baek Iseon gently lifting his face. And he met his gaze. The image of himself reflected fully in his eyes must surely look very foolish.
“I just like you.”
“Right now…”
“Won’t that work? Hm?”
“What on earth are you saying right now…”
“None of it matters. Just let me stay by your side…”
The corners of Baek Iseon’s eyes, spouting incomprehensible words, were curved in a gentle arc, but somehow it looked pitifully strained. And Jang Juwon only then noticed that his eyes were glistening.
“You can lie to me.”
Baek Iseon’s fingers lightly brushed Jang Juwon’s cheek. Meanwhile, his head was dropping lower and lower toward the floor.
“You can kiss other men. I won’t care about anything. So…”
Finally, Baek Iseon’s forehead touched Jang Juwon’s shoulder. The moment they touched, he could tell. His body was trembling faintly. That small whisper, too much for him to bear, made his ears dizzy.
“So just let me stay by your side.”
“Sunbae.”
“Please don’t leave me…”
“Sunbae!”
“Hm? Jang Juwon… Please tell me you understand…”
“Baek Iseon!”
Baek Iseon, who had been rubbing his forehead against his shoulder, finally lifted his head. His usually relaxed demeanor had completely disappeared, replaced by a thoroughly disheveled face right before his eyes. Jang Juwon thought his current appearance was like his own from the past. But if there was a difference from then, it was that this time it was just a pathetic and foolish specter created by misunderstanding and misconception, without substance.
“Pfft.”
Laughter suddenly escaped him. Baek Iseon, so this is what you meant by needing time to think? Instead of dwelling on anger and resentment toward your deceitful lover, you were looking for a way not to be abandoned? And that method is to beg to just be allowed to stay by his side? Ah, how can you be this foolish. How can you be this brave. How can you be this lovely.
“I don’t want to.”
“Yeah. That’s okay too. I still like you.”
Even though he answered that way, the trembling in Baek Iseon’s voice was getting worse. Jang Juwon placed his palm on top of his head. He wanted to tease him more, but if he did, his lover seemed like he might die before his time.
“I don’t want to kiss other men.”
“…”
“I’m only going to do it with Sunbae. I want to.”
Jang Juwon gently stroked his hair.
“You know I like you, Sunbae. What you said was pretty cute, but… don’t ever think like that again.”
“Jang Juwon, I…”
“Yeah. I won’t leave you.”
Baek Iseon’s arms urgently reached out toward Jang Juwon. At that pitiful gesture, Jang Juwon entrusted his body to him. Soon he embraced his shoulder as if it would break.
“I’m sorry. For making you think like that.”
“Yeah, no. It’s okay. It doesn’t matter.”
“Liar. It does matter…”
“Yeah, right. It’s a lie. Actually, I was so angry I thought I’d go crazy.”
“Why are you so foolish.”
Jang Juwon raised his hand and stroked that large back. He felt him hug him even tighter.
“You made me this way. You keep making me strange. Even if it’s the most foolish choice, you make me have no choice but to choose it. I became strange because of you.”
Jang Juwon quietly listened to his words. It was a confession more powerful than any words of affection.
“I was scared. I was afraid that you would break me, and that I would break you.”
“Sunbae.”
“So I needed time to accept it. That I’m a coward, that I’m timid.”
“…Me too.”
At last, it was the moment when Baek Iseon realized that everyone is like that in front of love. To think he suffered so much without knowing even this obvious thing. Jang Juwon found his lover pitiful and lovely.
“But don’t ever run away from me again.”
“Okay…”
“Really… I was so pissed off then, you know? I said it was all a misunderstanding, but you wouldn’t even let me explain…”
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I did that because I didn’t know what words would come out of your mouth. I was afraid words I didn’t want to hear would come out of your mouth.”
“What were you so scared of. Like a fool…”
“Because you’re so lovely, because you’re too good for me…”
Baek Iseon slowly lifted his head and pressed his lips to Jang Juwon’s cheek. His fidgeting movements clearly contained embarrassment. Heat rose to Jang Juwon’s face as well.
“Those are my lines…”
Jang Juwon lifted his reddened face and lightly pressed his lips to his cheek as if in return.
“Jang Juwon.”
“Yeah.”
“Hurry, let’s go up quickly.”
“Huh…?”
“I’m hard.”
“Even at a time like this…!”
He grabbed his hand and pulled. Jang Juwon pretended to be helpless and let himself be dragged along as he led. Laughter kept leaking out. He must be smiling too.
* * *
As soon as they stepped inside the entrance, Baek Iseon lifted Jang Juwon up. Before he could be flustered, his shoes came off and his outerwear fell to the floor. And just like that, his body was thrown onto the bed.
“Wait, wait!”
Jang Juwon thrust his palm in front of Baek Iseon’s face as he was about to overlap their bodies.
“Why?”
“Wash first!”
Since it had been a while, he wanted to do it in at least a prepared state. However, Baek Iseon looked like he had no intention of moving aside.
“You only smell good.”
Baek Iseon suddenly buried his face in his neck and breathed in. At the same time, his hand was naturally taking off his top.
“Ugh, seriously, sneaking around like this again…!”
“Cut me some slack. While we were apart, all I thought about was holding you.”
At his appearance casually saying embarrassing things, Jang Juwon realized that washing had definitely gone out the window. So he gave up and raised his arms.
As soon as the top was completely removed, this time Baek Iseon urgently reached down. He lightly lifted Jang Juwon’s waist and pulled down his bottoms with one hand.
“So even if you’re in a hurry, cut me some slack.”
Baek Iseon stripped off his top in one go. Come to think of it, unlike usual, today he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Despite the quite chilly weather, he was dressed quite simply. It was the complete opposite of Jang Juwon, who had dressed quite carefully since he was seeing him after a long time. Although it was going to be stripped off in 10 minutes anyway. As if he had noticed Jang Juwon’s thoughts, Baek Iseon chuckled softly and whispered.
“I… deliberately wore clothes that are easy to take off.”
Baek Iseon lifted Jang Juwon’s white calf, which was now completely exposed, and licked it with his tongue while intensely meeting his eyes.
“What if, what if I said let’s end it…”
“I would have held on to you somehow. By doing anything.”
“How…?”
“Because you quite like my body…”
“N-no I don’t!”
“As if. You get turned on when you see my body.”
“Ugh.”
At the sight of his lover turning his head away, unable to deny it and with a reddened face, Baek Iseon let out a small laugh.
“When you like having sex with me.”
Baek Iseon bit the soft inner flesh of Jang Juwon’s thigh with his lips. Suddenly, Jang Juwon remembered their first meeting. Back then, he had snapped at him not to leave marks like that. Would he have imagined they would have this kind of relationship? The thigh where his lips touched tickled.
“Hng.”
“So don’t ever say something like that, even hypothetically.”
