“Sorry for pressing you.”
“No…”
“But don’t ever take those pills again. Seeing you collapse today…”
“Okay. I’m sorry.”
“I knew you weren’t feeling well, but I couldn’t do anything… I’m sorry. I…”
There was something I realized the moment Chiwon collapsed and my heart dropped to my feet. It was clear that I wouldn’t be able to feel at ease anymore without Chiwon by my side. I never wanted to experience that chilling sensation again. I decided to stubbornly stick by Chiwon’s side no matter what he thought. Carefully, I decided to set aside Grandfather’s advice to be cautious about consideration and goodwill for a while. That advice was directed at Kim Eorin of the Haebam Foundation and Yoo Chiwon of Haebam Orphanage, not at me and the kid I liked.
“Don’t apologize, Eorin. I’m only grateful to you.”
At my continuing mumbled apologies, Chiwon answered like that and rubbed his face against my shoulder. Feeling like my heart would pour out if I said anything, I silently kept repeating patting Chiwon’s back.
After Chiwon calmed down a bit, I asked about the reason for taking the pills. Since I’d been guessing that Kim Jaeui had done something, when Kim Jaeui’s name came out of the hesitating Chiwon’s mouth, I wasn’t particularly surprised. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t angry. Not even properly knowing Chiwon’s circumstances, he dug out his manifestation type and deliberately chose only words that would be provocative. It seemed like he didn’t used to be like this when we were young, so why had he changed like that? It left a bad taste in my mouth.
“When did you know?”
While I was thinking about what to say to Kim Jaeui, Chiwon asked that. I was a bit curious what expression Chiwon would make if I said I’d known he was an omega since middle school, but in the end, I didn’t tell him. I wanted to keep this as my own secret. I liked that Chiwon existed in the memories I looked back on. But Chiwon wouldn’t feel the same way.
Shortly after, Woojin and Junsu also ran over here, and for a while, they created a sea of tears. Not only Chiwon but I also got scolded for coming alone without telling them in advance. Since I couldn’t see my surroundings, I hadn’t even had the presence of mind to suggest coming together. After Junsu and Woojin calmed down for a moment, Chiwon brought up his story again. Though he’d already told it to me once, I knew it would still be difficult, so while looking for a way to convey that I was by his side without interrupting the story, I gently held Chiwon’s empty hand. Then Chiwon’s fingers wrapped around mine in return.
On the day I finally understood Chiwon’s wounds that I’d only been able to guess at, feeling sorry and pained, and on the other hand, because Chiwon, who’d finally leaned on me, was so endearing, I firmly grasped Chiwon’s hand that must have struggled so hard.
After taking the pills and collapsing, then crying non-stop while being hit by the cold wind, Chiwon was absent with a cold. But the classmates who didn’t know the circumstances well only thought Chiwon hadn’t regained consciousness since collapsing yesterday, and looked gloomy asking what would happen to Chiwon. However, the word must have leaked from somewhere, because before even a day had passed, the kids learned that Chiwon had collapsed from side effects of taking pheromone medication.
The rumor spread throughout the entire school in an instant. The moment I heard people asking why Chiwon, who was a beta, had taken the pills, I thought it would be good for me to make a request, and Woojin and Junsu also nodded. I wanted to create a place where Chiwon could stay. So that Chiwon could exist as his complete self. So that he wouldn’t have to deny any part of himself anymore. For that, at least our class needed to be able to become Chiwon’s fence.
“Everyone.”
When I brought it up, the kids started getting nervous. It was because they’d guessed what kind of story would come from my mouth.
“I know you all have various questions. But let me ask just one thing.”
“Okay…”
“Chiwon cried a lot yesterday.”
The kids remembered gym class. Chiwon, who wouldn’t cry even when his eyes reddened when placed in a difficult situation, and who had comforted Woojin while smiling. The kids made slightly surprised faces at the words that such a Chiwon had cried.
“Rumors have already spread here and there, so I don’t know what Chiwon might hear from someone. But I hope at least we can be on Chiwon’s side. Seeing Chiwon cry was too hard for me.”
My voice grew rough as I imagined a situation where someone would openly ask Chiwon why a beta took pheromone suppressants. Woojin muttered with a tearful face.
“Chiwon is such a good kid. I don’t want to see Chiwon cry…”
Hiding one’s manifestation type was a serious matter, but the kids sitting with serious faces from this point on started to value Chiwon’s tears more than what Chiwon’s real manifestation type was. So thankfully and fortunately, good kids were around Chiwon.
Though I’d erected a fence, I had one more thing left to do. Stopping the person who might try to break down the fence.
“Kim Jaeui.”
After class ended and before evening self-study began, I went to Kim Jaeui’s classroom and called for him. Kim Jaeui, who usually just pretended not to hear even when I called, unexpectedly came to me right away, and he wasn’t smiling. I’d only seen Kim Jaeui not smiling a few times, so I was engulfed in a strange sensation.
“I know what you’re going to say.”
When I was just about to open my mouth, Kim Jaeui beat me to it. Staring intently into my eyes, Kim Jaeui muttered calmly.
“Don’t bully Yoo Chiwon, right?”
“…Yeah.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t do that anymore.”
I won’t? Just as I was about to question the feeling that he was deliberately emphasizing the subject, Kim Jaeui slowly pulled up the corners of his mouth and smiled. It finally became his usual smile, but only then did I realize that Kim Jaeui’s smile was very awkward. I hadn’t known because he always smiled the same way. Kim Jaeui’s smile was exactly like a picture someone had painstakingly created.
“It’s not really fun anymore anyway.”
Saying only that, Kim Jaeui turned around and went back to his classroom. Since Kim Jaeui’s pheromones were easy to detect, I wasn’t too worried because if I felt his pheromones, I would take Chiwon and avoid him on my own, but an uneasy feeling lingered on the tip of my tongue.
The next day, Chiwon, who came to school, revealed to the classmates before morning assembly that he himself was an omega. Without giving a long explanation and just saying he’d had circumstances that made him hide it, the kids passed it over with just “I see.” Everything else was no different from usual. From behind Chiwon, who was quietly relieved, I also finally relaxed.
Being called here and there to be scolded and having to explain what had happened, Chiwon rarely had time to stay in the classroom. Since there was a lot to counsel about, one or two breaks weren’t enough to even finish the interview with the school nurse. When it became the homeroom teacher’s turn, the story of the ethics exam Chiwon had missed was added, so Chiwon had to give up even evening self-study time to see the teacher. And we, who were dying to play with Chiwon, quietly kicked back our chairs and came out, arriving in front of the Korean resource room.
“What if teachers pass by and see us?”
“We’ll just say we’re waiting for our career counseling turn. And if we don’t get caught, we don’t need excuses.”
Saying that, Junsu went into the bathroom right in front of the Korean resource room and occasionally checked outside. Since there was a kid who got caught skipping evening self-study, going into the bathroom, and smoking, the supervising teacher would sometimes come into the bathroom these days too, but in front of the resource room, which was quite far from the classroom, perhaps because of the location, the supervising teacher never came to check. We knew this thanks to Junsu, who had such a delicate constitution that he couldn’t do his business if someone was outside.
Even after some time passed, when the resource room door didn’t open, we gathered in the hallway in front of it again. But right after, the door opened and Chiwon looked at us with wide eyes. We giggled and pulled Chiwon toward us. Chiwon’s face, which clearly showed he’d been crying, looked much more relieved. The moment I realized the shadow had lifted from his smile, I suddenly felt Chiwon’s pheromones. Though not as intense as that day, a very gentle shock came. A warm and kind, light wood scent. Being able to smell the wood scent from Chiwon had great meaning for me. Smiling as if it were nothing, I breathed in a lungful of Chiwon’s pheromones.
That day, returning home, I knocked on Grandfather’s study. Grandfather already seemed to know what story I’d come to tell. Chiwon’s story had already reached even Grandfather.
When I came home the day before yesterday and faced Grandfather, seeing my face, Grandfather asked what happened, but I said I’d tell him once things were settled. Whether my expression wasn’t bad, Grandfather passed over it without asking more. Though he must have made guesses after hearing about Chiwon’s story later, I thought there was more I needed to explain.
“Grandfather.”
“Yes.”
“About the day before yesterday. Did you happen to hear about it?”
“Yes, but I want to hear your story.”
I sat in front of Grandfather’s desk. Grandfather took off his glasses and crossed the backs of his hands to prop up his chin. It was Grandfather’s long-standing habit whenever he listened to my stories.
“Grandfather, I became friends with Chiwon. There’s no other reason. I didn’t do a ‘favor,’ and Chiwon didn’t approach me first either. Because Chiwon is a good kid, that’s why we became friends.”
“I see.”
“But Chiwon was hiding his scent… his pheromones. After hearing him introduce himself to the kids as a beta, I knew Chiwon had some circumstances. So I thought about what would be good to do, but all I could do was wait. In the end, Chiwon collapsed… and I heard the story the day before yesterday. He said he was bullied in middle school because of being an omega, and he hid it because he was scared that me and other friends would also distance themselves.”
Chiwon had cried so much. I was scared his eyes would melt away. After hearing my story, Grandfather was silent for a moment, then rubbed between his eyes and groaned quietly.
“Grandfather, I have regrets. That I let Chiwon collapse. Even now I don’t really know what would have been the right thing to do, but I’m thinking there must have been another way besides just leaving him alone. And trying to find an appropriate distance in my relationship with Chiwon—I regret that too.”
“Appropriate distance?”
“Appropriate distance, appropriate consideration, appropriate interest… things like that. Being cautious is good, but I learned that while gauging what’s appropriate, you can become very late. But that’s not because Grandfather’s advice was wrong—it’s because I changed.”
