“But coming out at such a late hour, didn’t your mom say anything?”
Kkotmoa asked while filling a pot with water and placing it on the gas stove. I had placed the bag and uniform I brought in one side of the hallway-like living room and was leaning against the wall watching him. Lying once is difficult, but after that it becomes very easy. However, it was a bit annoying to have to remember the lies I told so I wouldn’t get caught lying. Still, if it meant seeing my flower happy, I was confident I could put up with any amount of annoyance.
“I usually sleep out often anyway, so it doesn’t matter.”
“Really? Where do you sleep when you sleep out?”
“Sometimes I sleep at Kang Junwoo’s place, or just at friends’ houses… Ah, not kids from our school.”
Honestly, I’m picky about where I sleep, so if it’s not my room I’m uncomfortable and can’t sleep well. Nevertheless, I came all the way here in excitement. I could count on my fingers the few times I’d slept at Kang Junwoo’s house, and I’d never once slept at any of the guys’ houses I could call friends in social circles. So it made sense that my mom would be bewildered seeing me rush out when I always slept at home without fail.
“I’ve never slept at a friend’s house. This is also the first time someone’s come to sleep at our house. So I’m a bit excited.”
It’s an honor. I’m person number one to sleep in Kkotmoa’s room together with him—I was so happy I wondered if it was okay to be this happy, and I was also excited. And this time too, I didn’t miss the opportunity.
“From now on, whenever your dad says he’s going to sleep at the hospital, call me. I sleep out often anyway so my family doesn’t say anything, and it’s better than you sleeping alone, right?”
“Really? You can’t take back those words.”
“Would a man say two things with one mouth?”
“You really don’t look like it, but you’re really kind.”
Kkotmoa giggled while pouring out the water and adding the soup base to mix the noodles. Unlike my mom who just mixes it, he placed it on low heat and stirred it evenly with chopsticks while boiling it. Somehow it seemed like it would taste better done that way. Of course, I had no intention of telling my mom.
But anyway, saying I don’t look like it but I’m really kind—what do I look like?
I was once again put on trial regarding my face. I fiddled with my phone, debating whether or not to send a message to Kang Junwoo. I hesitated because I had a history of hearing an answer about looking like a kkotttugi or something. But I had firmly told him back then that lying was bad, and although Kang Junwoo suffered hating to hear it and searched for every kind of bastard in the world, I thought he’d answer properly this time.
[What do I look like]
[Why are you spouting nonsense again in the middle of the night? Wash your feet and go to sleep]
[What does it mean that I don’t look like it but I’m kind—what do I look like]
[Ah fuck, I woke up because of you, damn it. Kkotttugi bastard, if you spout nonsense to me one more time, I’ll change your name in my phone to Kkotttugi]
[As expected, ignorant guys can’t answer even easy questions]
[Arghhhhhhh crazy bastard you look like a kkotttugi!! How many times do I have to say it before you get it! You’re a kkotttugi!!! Don’t you know what a kkotttugi is? You don’t know kkotttugi??? I said kkotttugi, you kkotttugi bastard!!!!]
A picture of a kkotttugi was attached along with the desperate message. It seemed my nagging back then wasn’t enough. For a friend who still lies without any guilty conscience like eating meals, I resolved to give a speech about lying tomorrow.
“Huh? What? What picture? Is that a kkotttugi?”
Kkotmoa glanced at my phone while carrying the pot and entering the room, saying the jjajang ramyeon was done. I deleted all the conversation content and shoved my phone into my pocket. Then I quickly entered the room and unfolded the low table.
“You know, do I…”
“Yeah.”
“…look like a kkotttugi.”
“What?”
Kkotmoa, who had a bewildered expression for a moment, giggled and then burst into loud laughter. Ah, do I really look like a kkotttugi so he’s laughing? I shouldn’t have asked. I deeply regretted it.
“Did Junwoo send you that picture earlier?”
“Yeah.”
“You really don’t look like it, but you have a clueless side to you.”
So what do I look like when I don’t look like that?
Before I could ask, Kkotmoa started inhaling the jjajang ramyeon. Because I wanted to see Kkotmoa eating deliciously, I put aside the question and took out my phone from my pocket to pointlessly reflect my face. There wasn’t even the slightest resemblance to the kkotttugi I saw in the picture.
“Cute Hyeondo-ya, stop looking at your face and eat, quickly.”
“…’Cute’ should be left out, right?”
“Why? I’m saying you’re cute because you are cute.”
“…”
“But if you look closely, kkotttugi are kind of cute too. Look at that picture from earlier closely.”
Does this mean I really do resemble a kkotttugi? So that’s why Kkotmoa also used the ridiculous modifier ‘cute’ for me? Unlike above Kkotmoa’s head where the sun was dazzlingly shining down from a clear blue sky without a single cloud, dark clouds gathered above my head. Thunder and lightning rumbled and crashed, then a downpour immediately poured down.
Even so, isn’t kkotttugi a bit too much? Not someone else, but how could Kkotmoa say that to me…
“It’s a joke, a joke.”
Kkotmoa giggled very prettily as if he was really having fun and pressed chopsticks into my hand. Then he scooped up a big chopstick-full of jjajang ramyeon onto the plate in front of me. And making eye contact, he said with very, very trustful eyes and voice:
“You’re handsome, really a lot.”
“It’s too late.”
“No, you’re really handsome. You’re the most handsome among handsome guys. Really. You’re so handsome it’s unfair that you’re good at studying and handsome too.”
“…That’s enough. Just eat.”
Sitting across from Kkotmoa who was giggling and eating, I had a gloomy face and picked at my food. Even though Kkotmoa comforted me, my shock didn’t easily fade. Right, so the times he occasionally said I was cute was because I resembled a kkotttugi. When Kang Junwoo said it, it felt like a crazy dog barking, but the same words coming from Kkotmoa felt sincere, which was painful. From today, what I hate most is kkotttugi.
As I had planned, Kkotmoa demolished two servings of jjajang ramyeon and I only ate one serving. Afterwards, the two of us sat on the blanket slurping the Mango Magic we had put in the refrigerator with straws and talked about trivial things. Each and every one of those trivial stories was so special that I concentrated and listened to him every second.
“Eek, it’s already 3 o’clock. I’m dead if I have to wake up in the morning and go to school. Let’s sleep quickly.”
“…Yeah.”
Even though I knew I was going to sleep over when I came, actually lying down under one blanket felt somewhat awkward. Kkotmoa, who lay down on the wall side first, pulled the blanket up to his chest and then looked up at me who was still sitting awkwardly.
“Since I lay down first, you turn off the lights.”
“…Isn’t this your house?”
“Hurry up and turn them off. I wanted to try this. Lying down quickly first and telling someone to turn off the lights. I was going to try it later when our Jaea grows up, but the opportunity came really quickly.”
Right, what’s so difficult about that—how could I not do it for you whom I like? Your wishes are really so modest. If you say you want to try it, I could carry you on my back and run around the earth ten times.
As I went to turn off the lights, my chest rose with laughter at his cute wish. When darkness descended, I relaxed the tension in my facial muscles comfortably and smiled broadly. Pretending not to hear the pounding sound of my heart, I lay down next to Kkotmoa. Then he covered me with the blanket up to my chest and patted it a couple times with his hand. Just like he does to Deonggeori.
“Sleep well, Hyeondo-ya.”
“…You too.”
My facial muscles were relaxed and grinning like an idiot, but my whole body was rigid and couldn’t move even a bit. Even though I was just lying next to him, I was so tense I was stiffly frozen. Every sound of breathing, every sound of swallowing saliva—I was conscious of it all. And only when I heard Kkotmoa’s even breathing sounds indicating he had fallen asleep could I exhale with difficulty and release the tension throughout my body.
I was so happy but it was painful. I liked him, but it was painful that he only treated me as a friend. Should I hug him once pretending it’s a sleeping habit—I suppressed with all my might the wicked thoughts that were creeping up. Perhaps because I felt guilty for having bad thoughts alone, I couldn’t even comfortably glance once at the sleeping Kkotmoa.
So happy yet so painful—emotions that couldn’t coexist mixed together in a jumble and confused me. It was typical unrequited love symptoms. If I lay next to him one more time, my heart wouldn’t function properly and I wouldn’t live out my natural lifespan. Before I knew it, dawn was breaking outside the window.
Just the fact that you were lying next to me made me so tense, just hearing your breathing made me so nervous, …and so I couldn’t sleep a wink.
* * *
The alarm hadn’t even rung yet. At the sound of Kkotmoa tossing and turning as if he had woken up, I quickly closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. I could just act like I woke up first, but even I wondered why I reflexively pretended to sleep.
The space next to me was busy as if Kkotmoa was sitting up. For a moment there was no sound and I was curious what he was doing, but I couldn’t open my eyes. Soon Kkotmoa covered me with the blanket up to my chest with a gentle touch and muttered.
“Ah, right. I don’t have to pack a lunchbox today…”
I felt a presence of him lying back down next to me. After a brief pause, I opened my eyes to check the time. Because of the reason of packing a lunchbox for the flower shop dad, Kkotmoa woke up 30 minutes earlier than my usual time. Wanting to see him sleeping, I carefully turned my head. And I was startled.
“Did you wake up because of me?”
Kkotmoa, whom I thought had gone back to sleep, was lying on his side curled up and staring at me intently. There was no sign of sleepiness at all in his eyes. Unlike me who was weak in the morning and waged war with my mom every morning, he seemed to have no morning drowsiness. No, there was no one to wage war with him every morning. That might be why he slept so much at school at the beginning of the semester.
Kkotttugi (꼴뚜기) – (type of squid – used as comparison/insult)
