It hurt my heart to see a younger sibling mature early. In some ways it could be praise, but not to me. I wanted to teach them that enduring isn’t unconditionally good and nice.
“Jumin-ah. Every time you have to yield or endure, you hear a lot of ‘that’s just how it is for older sisters,’ right?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s really true. It’s not that it’s natural because you’re an older sister, but rather that if you live as an older sister, you experience all those things. Just like oppa did. Being an older sister doesn’t make it natural…… but it’s unavoidable. Is that a bit difficult?”
“……”
“Still, oppa was okay as much as I loved my younger siblings. Because we’re family. I thought, it can’t be helped since they’re the people who love me the most. Chaeyoung always sleeps only next to you, Jumin. Right?”
“Yeah.”
“I can’t force what I felt onto you, but I hope that way you’ll be less upset.”
I whispered directly into Jumin’s ear.
“Oppa will become an adult in two and a half years.”
“An adult? Oppa?”
“Yeah. Then I can earn money too. When oppa becomes an adult, I’ll buy a gift where Jumin doesn’t have to yield. Just for you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Really.”
Jumin hugged my neck tightly. Since she wasn’t a child who expressed emotions particularly strongly, I was surprised by just that, but soon smiled.
“Is there a hurt place in your heart?”
“No. It flew away.”
“Do you hate Chaeyoung?”
“No, I like her. Actually.”
“That’s good.”
These children had no family in the world—the children they spent time with here were everything. Because they’re family, sometimes they’re hateful and dislikeable, but I thought it would be nice if in the end they could say “but I still like them.” They fought and quarreled, but when sleeping, Chaeyoung always found the spot next to Jumin, and when eating, Jumin always sat next to Chaeyoung and would wipe Chaeyoung’s mouth. Probably tonight at dinner too, Jumin would go sit next to Chaeyoung.
It was everyday life, but because it was everyday life, it made me smile more. I held Jumin’s hand and left the room.
After eating dinner and returning to my room, I poked at the three teddy bears sitting huddled together for no reason.
My younger siblings had more cases like Jumin than like me. So, cases where they lost their parents in an accident or their only family was sick and there was no one to take care of them. The reason the teachers were called ‘teacher’ instead of mom or dad was because there were also children whose parents existed. Children whose family was in the hospital would sometimes visit them, but if they left a child at our orphanage, which wasn’t a place that took care of them short-term, that family’s future was mostly decided, so the children ended up alone in the end. And Jumin was a child who lost her parents in an accident and came here three years ago. That meant she had memories of her parents, of family.
I deliberately didn’t tell Jumin because it might revive painful memories, but the reason I yielded the dolls to my younger siblings was actually because I didn’t have anyone to miss as much as they did. My family was here. Putting dolls in the arms of younger siblings who cried for mom or dad every night was the maximum comfort and empathy I could give. Because I didn’t have family I’d loved with all my heart but could no longer see. Perhaps yielding was easy for me because I didn’t have a line distinguishing between ‘real family’ and ‘orphanage family.’
My friends probably couldn’t even guess what these teddy bears meant to me. I poked the teddy bear’s white belly once more for no reason.
These were my dolls.
When vacation supplementary classes started, I got my uniform ready and went to school. They said casual clothes were okay too, but uniforms felt more comfortable.
But when I opened our classroom, there were unfamiliar faces. When surprised me blinked, Lee Kanghyeong waved his hand from far away.
“Chiwon-ah, hello.”
“Oh, hello. But isn’t this our classroom? Why……”
“Ah, you haven’t looked at the board yet?”
At those words, I went to the board and examined the paper attached. Along with saying vacation supplementary classes would be conducted by dividing classes by grades, a list was attached. I had to go to class 7. Skimming through the list, I saw Eorin’s name.
“They bundled three or four classes together and divided them by grades.”
“Ah, I see. I was so surprised. Thanks for letting me know.”
After greeting Lee Kanghyeong and his friend who were waving, I went to class 7. Just looking at the door, the atmosphere was already different from our class. When I opened the door, several gazes stuck to me.
“Chiwon-ah.”
Eorin, who had been sitting and talking with kids, stood up and approached waving his hand.
“Hi, Eorin-ah. You came early.”
“My eyes opened early.”
Eorin naturally took me and sat me in the seat next to him. The kids nearby were unfamiliar faces, probably from other classes. The kids who exchanged a few more words soon dispersed.
“Did you eat breakfast?”
“Yeah.”
There weren’t that many people in the classroom, but around the time Eorin yawned three times, people gradually started increasing. And at some point, Eorin, who had been talking with me, lifted his head. Right then, the front door opened and Kim Jaeui entered.
“……”
It was the first face I’d seen since we ran into each other at the dining hall during the retreat. There might have been a reason we were divided into front and back classes, but strangely enough, I never even ran into Kim Jaeui in the hallway. Kim Jaeui, who had been looking around the classroom, discovered me and Eorin and smiled broadly.
“Hello, long time no see. Both Eorin and Chiwon.”
“……”
“We’ll be taking classes together for two weeks. Since they divided the classes like that, it can’t be helped, right?”
“I guess so.”
“Not a very welcoming face.”
Kim Jaeui grumbled playfully. I didn’t know how to react, so I maintained silence. Why was he laughing with such a happy expression when he was often expressionless when with friends?
“Jaeui-ya.”
Someone from the back called Kim Jaeui. Kim Jaeui smiled brightly at us once more then turned and walked back. And the place he sat was neither far nor close to us.
“Were you surprised?”
“No, I’m okay.”
Eorin slightly parted my bangs with his fingers and gently rubbed my forehead. When making eye contact with Eorin up close, I would forget what to say, so I deliberately didn’t look toward Eorin.
[Hing, I’m in a different class]
It was Woojin’s message. I laughed hard.
[Don’t they give us lunch?]
[Yeah……]
[I’ll come play during break time]
[Really? I’m in our class]
[What about Junsu?]
[Junsu is here too but hasn’t come yet. The teacher came]
With that message as the last, Woojin had nothing more to say. It seemed Junsu would be very late. Since it seemed he was gaming all night because it was vacation, it couldn’t be helped. Soon after, a teacher also entered this classroom, and for class, I put my phone in the drawer.
Being in the same classroom as Kim Jaeui felt very awkward, but nothing happened between us. Kim Jaeui unfailingly greeted Eorin every time he came in the morning, and after returning to his seat, he didn’t really approach us. I didn’t know how to treat Kim Jaeui, so when Kim Jaeui approached, I pretended not to be interested.
Still, occasionally, I would feel a gaze. So when I turned around, Kim Jaeui was always there. When our eyes met, Kim Jaeui would smile broadly. I didn’t have enough nerve to smile back, so I usually awkwardly avoided his gaze.
The supplementary period was two weeks. It wasn’t a long period, but summer vacation itself was short to begin with, and even two weeks were hard for high school students who wanted to play. Because they had to wake up early in the morning and use the entire morning at school. I was fine since home was right in front, but most kids who took the bus to school were tired of coming to school itself. Especially since it overlapped with the rainy season, kids were even more disgusted.
Supplementary classes were only in the morning, and students who wished could remain at school for self-study. But unless they were senior year students, the kids who stayed at school to study could really be counted on one hand. After class ended, Eorin and I would meet Junsu and Woojin to eat lunch and part ways, or sometimes we’d go out to the city. As summer deepened, we couldn’t endure the heat to the point we couldn’t play basketball, and instead went to cafes with air conditioning, movie theaters, or arcades. Once we even went to a bowling alley, but it was expensive and since none of the four knew how to bowl, Junsu and I broke our nails and bled, so there was no talk of going again. Still, it was very fun.
Even though each day was long, when I looked back, time flowed quickly, and before I knew it, supplementary classes were coming to an end. Summer was ending but it was still so hot—even though the rainy season passed, the heat wasn’t subsiding. Heat rose from the ground making the air shimmer, and the cicada sounds that never became familiar no matter how much I heard them were loud.
During the break after the first period of supplementary classes, I was filling my water bottle at the water purifier at the end of the hallway. I’d brought some lemon syrup to drink when I came to school, but I’d forgotten to fill the water before supplementary classes started. I poured cold water into the thermos containing lemon syrup, shook it, and walked slowly down the hallway when I saw Kim Jaeui walking from the opposite direction.
“……”
We weren’t close enough to talk. But I couldn’t just ignore him either. He unfailingly greeted me every morning, and we weren’t strangers. We weren’t on good terms, but I didn’t know how to measure distance with someone I had bad feelings toward, so it was awkward. Disliking the rising awkwardness, I walked looking only at my feet. Thinking that if I walked, I’d pass Kim Jaeui.
“……”
But Kim Jaeui didn’t pass me. There were feet standing in front of me not moving aside. When I lifted my head, Kim Jaeui looked at me with an expressionless face unlike usual.
“I wonder why?”
“……?”
Words without beginning or end. It didn’t seem like words he said hoping I’d understand. Standing still facing each other like that, Kim Jaeui slowly smiled.
“Lemon smell. Must be iced tea.”
“……Yeah.”
“You know.”
Kim Jaeui tilted his head slightly.
“Have you ever been told you’re stupid?”
“What?”
