“I couldn’t contact you. Sorry.”
A clean apology with no explanation as to why. Although he could have made any number of excuses, Kang Sehyun didn’t offer any justification.
“Yeah. Okay.”
I turned around first, meaning for him to come in. But the figure who should have followed me in stood still at the entrance without moving.
“Come in.”
“…….”
“Why.”
Why do you look hurt?
When our eyes met, Kang Sehyun’s pupils wavered uneasily.
“Aren’t you going to ask?”
“Should I ask at times like this?”
“Yeah. It’s always good if you ask.”
“Got it, so come in.”
When I urged his halted steps, his long legs strode inside. I sat down first on the left sofa, leaning my arm on it, and Kang Sehyun sat in the middle.
“I figured you had your reasons.”
“Why aren’t you asking what those reasons are?”
Because I think I have a general idea.
But I couldn’t say that, afraid he’d find out I’d been there.
“You were probably with your noona anyway. The hyungs said you don’t contact people well when you’re with your family, so I figured that was it.”
“You should at least pretend to be curious.”
It was a resentful remark, but rather than resentment, what I felt from his tone was more like dejection. It was like groveling for acknowledgment, but for now I asked.
“So, what were those reasons you couldn’t contact me?”
“Working.”
“Work?”
“Yeah. They said they only had one day, so they grabbed me as soon as I arrived. I slept for a bit around five in the morning and woke up when I sent you that text, and from then until just now I was working.”
“I thought you just came to see your face?”
“That might be true for my big noona, but not my little noona. She came because she needed something.”
“Ah…….”
Even though they’re real sisters, they only meet when one needs something. I recalled what I’d seen earlier. It definitely didn’t feel like a conversation typical siblings would have.
‘Do it even if it doesn’t make sense. Since when have you done whatever you wanted?’
I could imagine what kind of household Kang Sehyun had grown up in. The hyungs had already told me, but seeing it in person felt different. At least I was fortunate to have met his big noona who cared for Kang Sehyun. Otherwise, I might have thought his situation was similar to mine.
“Anyway, it’s true I was working, but that’s also an excuse. I could have contacted you in between, but I was so focused on finishing quickly that I forgot. Sorry.”
“It’s fine. It’s okay.”
I felt uncomfortable hearing him apologize repeatedly. I already felt guilty for eavesdropping on something I shouldn’t have heard, and now receiving an apology made me feel like I was deceiving Kang Sehyun.
“You don’t look okay.”
“Then what do I look like? How many times do I have to tell you this is just how I look?”
“Hmm.”
I tried to pass it off as a joke, but the gaze following me didn’t withdraw.
“Are you angry by any chance?”
“……Do I look angry right now?”
“I haven’t seen it, so I don’t know, but I thought maybe.”
“Probably not. I’m not angry.”
The truth was I just didn’t know what expression to make at times like this. Just because I wasn’t angry didn’t mean I could suddenly smile.
“Is there anything else you’re curious about?”
There is. A lot, actually.
There were many things I wanted to ask. I wanted to ask about things from the past that the hyungs had told me about, and also about the conversation he’d been having with his noona just earlier.
They said your family was strict, so what was your childhood like? They said you had a guardian, so why did they suddenly disappear? What business does your unusual family do? What’s your relationship with your ex-girlfriend’s family? What was the condition you proposed first?
But the thing I wanted to ask most was something else.
Is it okay for me to be by your side?
I forcibly swallowed the words I couldn’t bring myself to say out loud. My head was complicated, still unsorted and jumbled without order.
“Nothing.”
In the end, I couldn’t ask anything.
A sigh suddenly flowed from the guy’s lips as he silently looked at me. Kang Sehyun’s gaze, which wouldn’t leave my face, was quiet and heavy.
“You,”
The momentary silence was unbearably difficult to wait through.
“You do like me, right?”
I suddenly felt deflated. He’d been looking at me so seriously that I wondered what he was going to say, and it was as if all that buildup was just for that question.
“That’s what you were going to say? Are you that worried about how I’m feeling? I told you I’m not angry.”
“That’s exactly why.”
“……What?”
“I’m asking because you really don’t seem angry. Do you actually like me?”
I couldn’t understand what he meant at all.
“Does me not getting angry here mean I don’t like you?”
“Not exactly, but it’s strange.”
“What’s strange?”
“Even if you had reasons, in the end you didn’t contact me when you could have. Shouldn’t you be hurt by that?”
“You explained your reasons well enough. And there was also the fact that I kind of expected it.”
I hated this somehow dejected atmosphere and wanted to quickly move past this situation. But Kang Sehyun didn’t seem to have any intention of ending this conversation here.
“But why aren’t you curious about anything?”
“……What do you want me to be curious about? Isn’t it better for you that I’m not asking?”
“I told you earlier. I want you to always ask. I don’t like it because it seems like you’re just trying to brush things off again.”
“I’m not trying to brush things off.”
“If you’re genuinely not curious, that’s even sadder.”
“……Then what am I supposed to do? Should I grill you about every detail of what you did yesterday and today?”
“That would be better.”
This time a sigh came from my mouth. Because of the headache that had been continuing since morning, my already aching head felt like it would split.
“Are you doing this on purpose?”
“What?”
“Are you doing this on purpose to make me angry?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Then what is it?”
What do you want me to do about being this kind of person?
Unlike Kang Sehyun who could pour out everything according to his thoughts, I was someone who held back first. I was someone so busy hiding my feelings at every moment to avoid treating people emotionally that I couldn’t possibly say everything I wanted to say at times like this. The habit of putting up walls became worse the more I didn’t want to lose someone, and even words I could easily bring up when we were friends were often harder to say now.
Getting angry and blaming the other person for things not going my way was still far too unfamiliar to me.
“…….”
“…….”
We both closed our mouths without saying anything. The silence that settled after we’d each said our piece was suffocating. But I kept my mouth shut to the end, feeling that saying anything more would lead to a fight.
I think I had it wrong. Until now, I thought we didn’t fight because neither of us was the type to be overly conscious of the other or put up their pride, but it was just that there hadn’t been any such situations. Situations where trivial matters turned into fights. We too could fight just like anyone else.
I’d been deliberately avoiding the gaze I could meet just by lifting my head slightly. So I had no idea what expression Kang Sehyun was making right now.
“Sungha-ya.”
The silence that seemed like it would continue for quite a while broke sooner than expected. Calling my name at a time like this was cheating. And in such an affectionate voice too. I flinched at the sudden call, but my gaze remained directed at my interlaced fingertips.
“Let’s stop, this kind of talk. This isn’t what I brought it up for.”
When I only heard “let’s stop,” I thought my heart was dropping. If the follow-up hadn’t come right away, I would have revealed the emotions I couldn’t hide in that brief moment.
“……You’re the one who wouldn’t let it stop.”
“I know. I was shameless. I’m the one who was wrong from the start.”
I didn’t know until this situation came up. Kang Sehyun was the one who let go of his stubbornness first.
I nodded that I understood, but my expression wasn’t as easy to restore right away. It seemed like this awkward atmosphere would continue in this state, but no matter what I did, my usual expression wouldn’t come.
I deliberately changed the subject.
“Did you come straight from the airport?”
“Yeah.”
“You couldn’t have slept more than a few hours, so why didn’t you just go home and rest? You could have done this over the phone, but you came all the way here.”
“Because I missed you.”
It was something I’d heard dozens of times, but my heart racing was still a chronic condition. Like how emotions still overflowed when I faced a face I’d seen hundreds of times.
“So look at me.”
I turned my head to the right from where it had been facing forward. I hadn’t looked because I didn’t want to see this expression. Kang Sehyun still had apologetic eyes.
“What’s with your face? Relax your expression.”
“It’s because you keep not looking at me, so I’m anxious. It’s a bit better now.”
Even saying that, his expression didn’t look better at all.
“The guy who shamelessly argued that I wasn’t angry—what’s there to be anxious about?”
“I’m anxious. Always.”
It was something others would be surprised to hear. What does a guy who has everything have to be anxious about? When I looked at him questioningly, the answer came on its own.
“That you’ll break up with me.”
That’s even harder to believe.
He was a guy who’d been overflowing with confidence even before confessing. An amazing guy who easily confessed to me, a man, even while carrying a problem important enough to change his life, and who shamelessly told me to like him back even after confessing. For that Kang Sehyun to be anxious—it was absurd. And yet he occasionally said such ridiculous things.
“You’re good with words, anyway.”
When I chuckled, the anxiety that had been visible on Kang Sehyun’s face finally disappeared. Kang Sehyun, who’d been staring at me, suddenly reached out his hand.
“What?”
I grabbed that hand reflexively. Then my body was pulled. Kang Sehyun stretched out his arm and pulled me into his embrace as naturally as if the frozen atmosphere from just moments ago had been a lie.
From the embrace where the cold hadn’t quite dissipated yet came the scent of winter. The skin touching my cheek was cold too. But the places where his lips descended felt strangely hot.
“But you still haven’t answered.”
“What answer?”
“I asked if you like me.”
It was actually the hardest thing to say directly. I’d said it so few times I could count them on one hand, and even those few times were just things like ‘I guess I do like you,’ just said in passing. This time too, I could only say it that way.
“I didn’t get angry because I like you.”
I heard a low laugh from over my shoulder. Even at my vague answer, Kang Sehyun laughed emptily, seemingly pleased with whatever.
“It’s a bit disappointing though.”
“What is?”
“That I couldn’t see you angry.”
“……You want to see that?”
“Yeah. I want to see everything except your crying face.”
“Should I show you right now?”
“No. I was wrong.”
I wondered how this blunt guy could be so affectionate toward me alone. While showing his cold and hard true nature even to his own family, why, why only to me.
The hand stroking my back was exceptionally careful. The places where warmth passed ached. The straighter Kang Sehyun’s affection toward me was, the heavier the guilt weighed heavily on my heart.
