“Earlier you looked at my face and said something.”
“Speak properly. I didn’t ‘say something,’ I was worried. Even now, thinking about you working in that state makes me angry.”
It was his usual tone, but there was a bit more force in his voice. Sehyun, who examined my complexion, had pitying eyes.
“What’s good about talking about this stuff when you’re sick? Just do it later.”
I called out to Sehyun as he tried to turn away. In my regret, I held onto him once more.
“Still, say it. If you leave like this, you’ll feel uncomfortable.”
“It’s not like I’m indebted to you, why would I feel uncomfortable?”
“…See. You don’t like that, do you?”
“Yeah. I don’t like it. It was fine before, but I don’t like it now.”
His voice was quite firm. I was about to ask why he suddenly disliked it but stopped. Naturally, an explanation about our changed relationship would surely follow.
“I said I’d listen to everything. So sit down for a bit and talk before you go.”
“Talk about what?”
“Complaints or demands.”
I raised my body that had been lying down and sat with my back against the headboard. Then Sehyun, after letting out a short sigh, sat on the edge of the bed as I told him.
“Explain to me why my coming like this is being indebted to you. It’s not particularly bothersome.”
“Receiving help is also being indebted.”
“I don’t think of it as helping. I’ve never helped you, so why do you think that way?”
“……”
“From now on, the word ‘indebted’ is forbidden.”
“Okay.”
“That thought is forbidden too.”
“That’s a bit…”
“Why?”
“Can thoughts be controlled at will?”
“Why not? Fix this thinking that everything is a debt. Rather, think of it as being grateful.”
“Thinking gratefully is natural. But you’re doing things you don’t have to do because of me, so I feel sorry.”
“You can just think the other person is doing it because they like you. No need to feel sorry.”
“I’m already too indebted, so I can’t do that well. If it were someone else, maybe, but especially with you.”
“Don’t do it with other people either, and especially don’t do it with me.”
Is he even listening to me properly?
The things that naturally come to mind aren’t things that stop just because he tells me not to. Knowing that, he still threatened me to just not do it.
“But anyway, you saved me as ‘debtor’ too.”
Sehyun, who had been stubbornly insisting, suddenly closed his mouth at those words. Then, with a frown, he swept back his bangs. I somehow hated seeing that.
“Fine. I’ll do that, so smooth out your expression.”
When I said that because I didn’t want to see his annoyed face, this time something else didn’t please him—his expression became even more serious.
“That’s forbidden too.”
“…What are you talking about?”
“Glossing over things.”
“I’ve never done that.”
“You just did. When you had no choice but to come during the day too. You thought, ‘Rather than complicate things, I’ll just endure it,’ right?”
Half of it was true. Since it would end if I just said okay anyway, I didn’t think there was a need to say more, so I said okay—but he noticed that like a ghost.
“I didn’t go as far as thinking I’d endure it.”
“You thought you’d gloss over it nicely though.”
“…Pretend you don’t know.”
“I’ve been pretending not to know until now. For the years we were friends. But now I can’t.”
“Then what should I do?”
“You have to talk it through to the end. Abandon the thought that you should compromise.”
How can I do that when I’ve lived like this until now?
Thinking everything is a debt, thinking I must unconditionally compromise—these were all bad habits that formed because I had to live this way.
Everything that isn’t mine is a debt. There’s no help without reason. Kindness received from others must be repaid. What I’d learned through my stepfather until now was only such things. I’d already been accustomed since childhood to situations where everyone could be happy if only I endured and let things pass, so there was no way such thoughts could be easily fixed now.
“Isn’t it actually better for you if I let things pass?”
“I don’t know about other people, but I hate it when you do that even to me.”
Of course, this is also because our relationship has changed.
I thought that since we already knew each other well and were used to each other, there wouldn’t be much different from now on except for things related to past relationships or physical contact. But that wasn’t the case.
According to Sehyun’s demands, from now on I have to accept whatever he does for me as natural, and insist as much as possible to the end without adjusting to him. It was clearly something not good at all for Sehyun, so I couldn’t understand why he was deliberately forcing himself to do something disadvantageous.
“I sometimes find you hard to understand.”
“You’re the only one who says ‘sometimes.’ Usually people say they can’t understand me at all.”
“There are people who say that to you? Do the hyungs say that?”
“No. My family.”
“Ah.”
I laughed without realizing it.
“So is that all your complaints?”
“No.”
“Wow. You saying I’m your ideal type was a lie, right?”
With a snicker, his thin lips curled up crookedly.
“It has nothing to do with ideal type.”
After saying that, Sehyun had no hesitation in bringing out his next words.
“Don’t just accept whatever is given.”
“…What’s that supposed to mean?”
He told me not to feel burdened and to accept everything, but now he’s saying don’t accept whatever is given? I couldn’t understand what he was saying at all.
Sehyun turned his gaze from me to somewhere else. At the same time, his long fingers pointed to the desk chair. To be precise, at Gijae hyung’s striped scarf draped over the chair head.
“Why is that here?”
“I borrowed it for a bit.”
“Anyway.”
“I said it was fine, but he was stubborn saying I looked cold, so I couldn’t help it. I had a cold too.”
“That’s why I’ll let it go today.”
It was a possessiveness that really didn’t suit him. He tells me to accept everything he gives, but I can’t even borrow things from others?
He really does like me.
The Sehyun I’d known until now was rather on the cool side, so I was newly surprised. Come to think of it, finding out he gets jealous was also recent.
My mind, which had been clear until just 10 minutes ago, gradually became hazy as we talked. Perhaps because my back was warm, I started to drowsily get sleepy. It felt like I could sleep if I just closed my eyes, but I didn’t want to, so I forced my heavy eyelids up. Because if I close my eyes, I can’t see Sehyun.
When I slowly blinked, Sehyun, seeing that, got up from his seat.
“We’re done now, so sleep. I’ll get going.”
Hearing that, I hesitantly got under the covers. Sehyun was fixing the disheveled blanket when he stopped his movements as if remembering something.
“Ah. What about your work tomorrow?”
“…I have to go.”
Hearing that, Sehyun sighed. I was just about to say that I have complaints too—how about fixing that sighing habit? But then I heard words that made me doubt my ears.
“Should I go instead?”
…Wow.
“I must be really loved.”
It didn’t make sense, but I was happy.
“You’re only realizing that now?”
“Yeah.”
“Why are you only realizing it now? I thought I was treating you pretty well.”
“You do treat me well. But I didn’t know it would be to this extent.”
“Then know from now on.”
Sehyun looked at me with a subtle expression. Then when our eyes met, thump, he placed his hand on my head. Stroking my head seemed to be a recently acquired habit. Rather, the person who should be stroked for doing well seems to be me.
“Kang Sehyun is worth dating.”
At the sincerity I blurted out with great resolve, Sehyun made a bizarre expression. He said ‘Say that again,’ and laughed as if absurd.
“Even though it feels so awkward dating me that you could die?”
“…You knew.”
“It would be strange not to know. You ran away this morning too.”
I’d been so busy worrying about dating that I forgot something so obvious. Even if I could fool everyone else, Sehyun always noticed my lies like a ghost. He knows me that well, so there’s no way he wouldn’t know I was feeling awkward.
“I deliberately waited until you fell asleep yesterday.”
He’d known since yesterday that I was feeling awkward.
What were all my worries until now?
“Did I say this before? Sometimes I wish you were a bit less smart.”
Sehyun laughed again.
“Can’t help it. Get used to it.”
“There’s too much to get used to, I don’t know what to get used to first.”
It wasn’t something I said expecting an answer, but Sehyun, whom I thought would laugh it off, had quite a serious expression.
“Still, adapt quickly. I can’t wait long.”
I nodded silently.
“Now we’re really done, so sleep. It’s past twelve.”
Before I knew it, over 30 minutes had passed since Sehyun first said he’d leave. Yet I kept wanting to hold onto him. Today, oddly, I regretted this parting.
“Want to just sleep over? You must be tired.”
Sehyun looked at me with a strange expression.
“If you really want, that’s fine, but wouldn’t it not work?”
“Why?”
“You won’t be able to sleep again. You couldn’t sleep yesterday either.”
…Ah.
I’d forgotten. As always, I only thought Sehyun would sleep on the sofa, I hadn’t thought he’d sleep with me.
Seeing my expression, Sehyun looked at me pathetically as if he knew it.
“And I deliberately didn’t say one thing earlier,”
“What?”
“Complaints or demands.”
I had an ominous feeling. So I didn’t want to hear it. Sure enough, from Sehyun’s mouth came words I thought were absolutely not for now.
“I want to kiss, at least that much, right now.”
