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Kang Sehyun
Ring ring- Ring ring-.
The persistent call had already been ignored several times, yet it rang relentlessly, showing no signs of giving up. Knowing that if I left it alone, it would come at least ten more times, I briefly considered answering, but just tossed it onto the sofa instead.
After working out for about an hour and returning, there were countless missed calls and messages.
Honey♡: [Answer the phone]
Honey♡: [I said I was sorry]
Honey♡: [You know we can’t break up like this anyway, right?]
Isn’t she sick of it? Seeing the last message floating in the center of the screen, I let out a hollow laugh at the absurdity. Even without looking at the earlier messages, I could tell what they said. Every fight repeated the same pattern of reproach and apology, always ending with family matters.
I hadn’t done anything, yet the battery was already down to half. I plugged in my phone and headed straight to the bathroom. As I let my body surrender to the cool stream of water, the suffocating feeling seemed to ease a bit.
‘Do you even like me?’
The answer to that question was always predetermined. No time was needed to think or contemplate.
‘Yeah.’
Each time, I gave her the best answer I could, but she was always dissatisfied. She wanted me to say it, but once I did, she would dismiss the weight of those words herself.
‘There’s no sincerity in your words.’
No wise response came to mind to counter that, so I kept my mouth shut each time. After that, the victor of the long argument was always her.
‘Let’s break up.’
And my answer was always,
‘Okay.’
That was it.
The relationship that now consisted only of fights had been fine at first. Before it became this messy.
At first, she too was one of the connections tied through family. A son and daughter from families renowned enough to be noteworthy. Starting as friends at the suggestion of adults who knew each other’s families.
Perhaps because of her personality that approached me without hesitation even though I was wary of people, we became close easily, and as if by coincidence, when we both came to study abroad, she would occasionally visit Chicago.
‘Why don’t you confess to me?’
That question was the way this proud person confessed. Only after hearing those words did I realize that I was the only one who thought of this relationship as friendship. She had believed for a very long time that we were more than friends.
I didn’t dislike her boldness. Until then, I hadn’t even thought about dating anyone, but I thought if the person were her, it wouldn’t be bad. That’s how we developed into lovers.
I liked that she liked me. And she was lovely. So I always did my best to maintain this relationship. I tried to accommodate everything she wanted, everything she wanted to do.
But after a year passed and more time went by, the anxiety about being apart turned into dissatisfaction, and the relationship began to creak little by little. Tired of the long-distance relationship, she desperately wanted me to come to New York.
Nevertheless, when I chose a university in Chicago, that’s when things started to twist severely. She insisted my choice was related to my feelings for her, and from then on, she never let go of her doubts about my heart. Even when I told her what she wanted to hear and gave her the gifts she wanted, it never filled her heart.
‘Let’s break up.’
The first day she said that, I answered okay. There was no other reason. A relationship that one person no longer wants can’t be continued by the other person alone.
The next day, when she canceled the breakup, I also answered okay. I didn’t want to end a relationship we’d maintained for so long yet.
After that, she habitually mentioned breaking up over even small things. And each time, I answered okay, and the same thing repeated every time.
What I had endured well until now started to become burdensome recently. The day after being notified of a breakup, when I ignored her call for the first time as it came in as if nothing had happened, she brought up our families into our relationship for the first time.
‘Anyway, the only person suitable for you is me, and the only person suitable for me is you. You know that, right?’
I liked her not because of her background. Likewise, I believed she liked me not simply because of my background. But now she was saying we should continue this relationship because of each other’s families. From that moment, it felt like something had been pulled out.
It was a full five years. During that long time, for me, who thought caring about trivial things and paying attention to insignificant matters was a waste of emotion, this was the only relationship I’d maintained. It was the one and only connection I’d tried to preserve somehow. I didn’t want to let that effort go to waste so futilely. But now the limit was approaching.
After roughly drying my hair and getting dressed, there was about an hour left until the dinner appointment. There was still plenty of time. Because the meeting place wasn’t downtown for once, I’d hurried my preparations a bit, leaving an awkward gap of time, but I left home early. It was better to go first and wait than to not keep the appointment time.
As expected, except for getting out of downtown, there was no traffic, so I arrived twenty minutes early. As I entered the spacious parking lot, a familiar car was parked near the entrance. I pulled up next to it and rolled down my window. He followed and rolled down his window too.
“When did you get here?”
“Just now. About five minutes ago.”
“What about the hyungs?”
“They said they’ll arrive right on time.”
“They’ll be late again, then.”
It was familiar for the hyungs to be late from the appointed time. Even when they said they’d arrive right on time, they were always at least fifteen minutes late. In the past, I would always come early and wait alone, but now there were two of us. Kwon Sungha, who kept time even better than me, always came and waited earlier than the scheduled time.
“Let’s just go in first.”
“It’s too early, let’s wait ten minutes before going in. If we order then, the food will probably come out around when the hyungs arrive.”
“Okay.”
I got out of the car and put a cigarette in my mouth. Then he followed and got out too. It had been a month since I’d seen Kwon Sungha like this.
As soon as summer vacation started, Kwon Sungha got on the plane to Korea with me. But before even half the vacation had passed, at the end of June, he returned to Chicago first. Until then, we’d seen each other almost every day, so this was the first time we’d been apart this long.
The familiar profile smoking looked a bit different. Had something changed while I hadn’t seen him? Looking closely, his distinct jawline had become sharper and his slender neckline had become thinner.
“Did you lose weight?”
“A little?”
Not just a little.
Even when I last saw him in Korea, the plump cheeks that remained had disappeared in that short time. He’d gotten thinner overall, but perhaps because of that, he felt more mature than before.
“You got some sun.”
“I was already dark when you were there.”
“You got more tan than then.”
Even during the conversation, when my phone vibrated in my pocket, I frowned without realizing it. Kwon Sungha stared at me like that and asked carefully.
“Did you fight?”
“What are you asking about.”
His intuition is always so sharp.
The hyungs I’d been with for years didn’t even notice my mood well, but perceptive Kwon Sungha had figured out even the reason.
“How do you always know?”
“I just know when I see it.”
“That’s what I’m asking, how do you know.”
“We were stuck together that much, how could I not know? If you’ve been around for about two years, you’d know that much.”
Only two years.
Already two years had passed, and we’d become inseparable friends. Even the memory of that first awkward time smoking cigarettes had faded considerably. Now he was someone whose absence felt strange, someone so natural to have by my side.
“Make up quickly. If you’re going to accept her anyway, don’t suffer for days.”
I laughed at those words. Of course, it wasn’t a laugh of pleasure. It was just that the expression “if you’re going to accept her anyway” was so accurate that I had nothing to say and could only laugh.
‘If you’re going to accept her anyway.’
In the end, I knew the conclusion was already determined.
“It’s really hot. School starts next week already.”
A week before vacation ended, the day was unusually hot. I thought of a cool glass of beer.
“What are they doing after we eat?”
“I don’t know. Probably bowling.”
“Again?”
“I don’t know either. I’m just guessing that’s what it’ll be.”
Even though he said he didn’t know, most of Kwon Sungha’s predictions had been right so far. Kihyun hyung, who once hooked on something would only do that until he got sick of it, had recently been hooked on bowling.
Having finished our cigarettes, we entered the restaurant first. The Chinese restaurant we’d been coming to frequently lately was as flashy inside with various decorations as its exterior. Because picky Jason hyung had gotten hooked on the fried chicken with hot pepper here, we ended up coming often.
“How many people?”
“Seven.”
As we entered, the owner who recognized us came out and guided us to a seat inside. The owner, who was of Chinese descent, spoke Korean fluently.
“What can I prepare for you?”
We ordered the usual foods we always ate. And shortly after, the main characters we’d been waiting for arrived noisily.
“Whoa! It’s not out yet? Didn’t you order?”
“As if we wouldn’t have ordered.”
“Be quiet, and say hello to the kids first.”
The hyungs greeted us with awkward faces and made the ridiculous excuse that there was traffic. Kwon Sungha and I just laughed hearing that.
The hyungs who sat down complained about being hungry when, with impeccable timing, the food came out. As soon as the plates were set down, the food disappeared in an instant. Even in the midst of eating frantically, it was never quiet. Today too, Kihyun hyung’s mouth moved without rest.
“Wow, crazy. School starts next week. Really crazy. Time flew by.”
“Ah- It’s really terrible.”
Except for Jungwoo hyung, who had steadily completed semesters while working as a model, everyone was still enrolled. Kihyun hyung and Jason hyung, who had changed majors midway, had one semester left, and Gijae hyung and Junsung hyung, who were medicine majors, still had a year remaining.
And Kwon Sungha and I had become third-years before we knew it.
