Perhaps too shocked, his legs lost strength and he collapsed right onto the floor. It was a scene scary enough to appear in nightmares, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away. Like a burnt-out fluorescent light, his mind repeatedly turned on and off.
‘Did you know about me? Since when?’
Only belated questions circled around Eunchan, buying time. If he could, he wanted to avoid it as much as possible, to postpone it. Betrayal and despair mixed together and approached right before his nose, so overwhelming that he had no motivation for anything. The price for pretending not to know until now was so enormous that Eunchan wanted to evade it once more even now.
The person in the numerous photos stuck to the wall didn’t seem like himself at all. Between walls filled with twisted affection and obsession, Eunchan checked the densely written memos. It was too dark to see well while sitting collapsed on the floor.
Eunchan barely managed to stand up, suppressing the rising nausea. From somewhere, it seemed like rat squeaking sounds and car exhaust noise could be heard. His teeth chattered and clashed together from the accompanying anxiety.
[Umbrella Planning, Kim Ilseon, Jo Hyungsik, Kim Eunchan]
The names listed side by side under the company were the boss, an employee, Hyungsik, and himself. It was also written that the boss was a fired detective and that Hyungsik’s older brother had boarded a ship to pay off debts. Even their family relations were listed in detail, feeling like a character introduction section of a book. Unlike the boss’s and Hyungsik’s information which were written somewhat long, below Eunchan’s name was completely empty without a single piece of information. Because everything stuck to the wall was Eunchan’s information.
“…Pastor-nim’s business card.”
When he turned his eyes while forcibly suppressing the rising goosebumps, what he saw was the pastor he had respected and loved. The church that had become a cross for him when he’d lost his bearings, those benevolent hands. Why is this here… He hadn’t told anyone about the pastor’s existence.
[3 years only. Mission, church construction promise]
However, even the time spent with the pastor was written accurately. The kind elder who supported him from the side and the church that sponsored all his food, clothing, and shelter had been like salvation to young Eunchan. It was a time when he could dream of a peaceful future, but with the church’s sudden relocation and the pastor’s mission to Africa, Eunchan had to lose his foundation once again.
‘Can’t you take me with you?’
Though he had cherished him so much, the pastor never once proposed going on the mission together nor permitted him to accompany him. The person who knew well that in this world Eunchan had only the pastor coldly left Eunchan alone in the world… It had felt as if God was declaring that no one could become Eunchan’s supporter. As if entranced, Eunchan peeled the pastor’s business card from the wall and checked the back.
[500,000,000]
What the scrawled numbers meant was clear. The church built larger, the promise that he would stay in Africa for a long time. Where did all that money come from?
Eunchan put strength into his hand and crumpled the business card. Fuck. Resentment burst out through his throat along with curses. He couldn’t even grasp how far Miro was involved.
The business card of the landlord who had rented to Eunchan cheaply, the contact information of military colleagues he no longer met, a map of where his grandmother was laid to rest, the attack in front of the officetel. And photos of the person who helped him… All of Eunchan’s relationships were preserved. Eunchan roughly tore off the photos and memos filling the wall. His fingertips were cut by the paper and blood seeped out, but he wasn’t in a state to care. Breathing out roughly, Eunchan lowered his head. On the floor lay paper densely packed with names.
[Kim Yeonjae, Kim Hanui, Kim Ihyeon, Kim Huijae, Kim Dongjun, Kim Jueon, Kim Suho, Kim Dohyeon, Kim Minjun, Kim Eonwoo, Kim Jiho, Kim Yujun, Kim Geonwoo, Kim Yejun, Kim Seojin, Kim Junseo, Kim Jihan, Kim Eunho, Kim Jeongwoo…]
It was a careful selection, like parents choosing their child’s name. The drawn lines and crumpled traces proved this. Eunchan checked the only name with a circle drawn around it. Kim Eunchan, his own name. Though it was a name he had cherished preciously, at this moment it was hard to resist the impulse to carve it out. It felt as if everything he had was being denied.
The Muan land that Myeongjin had intentionally tried to develop. The land belonged to Kim Heewon, the mansion to Kim Haengbok. The orphanage where all the children who came in were named Kim Haengbok after the orphanage’s name. All of it pointed to Jang Miro, but the price for pretending not to know was despairing.
Footsteps were heard from far away. Eunchan waited for Miro, the owner of all this. It felt like being a puppet that had finished all its plays. He wiped away the tears flowing down his cheeks.
“Eunchan, a-are you here?”
Asking when he already knew he was inside the warehouse looked ridiculous. It was a gentle tone like playing hide-and-seek with a nephew. Eunchan kicked the wardrobe violently with his foot to make his presence known.
At the loud sound, Miro hurriedly opened the door to check if Eunchan was hurt. Those eyes were still kind and brilliantly colored, making Eunchan feel even more miserable.
“Eunchan.”
“Don’t call me.”
“…D-did you eat?”
“Was it fun? Playing around with me, was it entertaining?”
The torn and crumpled photos on the floor created a boundary, distancing Miro. Miro couldn’t approach further and anxiously reached out his hand to Eunchan.
“C-come here.”
“What is all this? Explain. You said you would.”
“It’s okay. I’ll, it’s okay.”
Like someone afraid Eunchan would soon run out, Miro stood blocking the entrance and kept whispering it was okay. He couldn’t tell if these words were meant for Eunchan or if Miro was repeating them to himself. Eunchan breathed in along with a tearful sigh.
“Hyung. Hyung, why did you do it? Fuck, why did you suddenly come and act crazy?”
“Eunchan,”
“I said don’t call me!”
Unfocused anger swallowed Eunchan. Eunchan collapsed and raised both hands to cover his ears. The voice that kept being heard tormented him.
‘You bastard, did you really not know? You knew he was your hyung. Weren’t you the one pretending not to know?’
The strange request, the sloppy Han Inju. As if desperate to give information, Han Inju had personally led him to Muan. Hyung’s opal-like eyes visible above the mask, the speech pattern that was slow and careful. Hyung who had grown up in the mansion, our secret garden. The man he’d longed for even in dreams had already returned to him in the form of a lover.
‘Wh-when I was young… I h-had a yo-younger sibling I was sep-separated from.’
‘A younger sibling?’
‘Yeah… I o-only have one.’
Hyung had continuously called Eunchan out. As if telling him to remember, to welcome him who had returned…
Even though they’d just met, he easily felt favorable feelings and quickly gave him a place by his side. He entrusted him with the treasure box he cherished so much he rarely took it out, asked him to handle his father’s funeral. Whispered about the past and begged him not to hurt him.
You knew he was your hyung, you were afraid hyung would abandon you again. You deliberately pretended not to know and tried hard to ignore every piece of evidence that came up. Because the lover who returned was so wonderful, because the empty space in his heart that was filled was so full…
At the thoughts that tore through his insides, all his organs twisted. Unable to endure the pain, Eunchan pointed the blade at Miro. All of this was the judgment that hyung who had returned should receive. It was the pain that hyung who had abandoned and left, then picked him up again like picking up trash, had to endure.
“Hyung… Why did you do this to me? What the hell is this?”
It felt as if his entire life was being denied. He couldn’t shake off the thought that he’d been easily played by the person who abandoned him. What wrong did I do to hyung? Why are you tormenting me like this? Why are you dragging me back to that Muan and making me unable to forget!
At the feeling of his intestines twisting, Eunchan collapsed and swallowed his groans. Tears fell to the floor along with sweat drops. At Eunchan’s anguished appearance, Miro hastily approached and embraced him.
“A-are you okay? Let’s go to the hospital, I’ll…”
“You were playing with dolls, weren’t you?”
That doll play hyung likes. Just like that rabbit doll he’d bought because hyung seemed lonely, Miro had simply taken care of Eunchan. Personally dressing him, giving him a name, taking him everywhere. Like a doll that can’t move on its own, Miro had just constricted Eunchan that way.
Miro who always knew his location even without being told. Using the stalker who appeared whenever he was alone as an excuse to tie his feet and hold his gaze.
“How did you know my location? Did you monitor me?”
“…”
“You had people do it, right?”
Jang Heewoo’s words about having people do work and frequently assigning tasks came to mind, along with the faces of strangers who had appeared in his sight strangely often. Eunchan escaped from Miro’s embrace and looked into his eyes. Inside the distorted pupils was full of sadness.
“Eunchan.”
“Why did hyung give me my name, who are you to do that?”
“I’m Miro. Jang Miro.”
Even at Eunchan’s outcry, Miro instead spoke his own name and confirmed his existence.
“Fuck, really.”
To shake off Miro who kept grabbing him, Eunchan twisted his wrist and pushed him away with his foot. However, he couldn’t overcome Miro who bound him more tightly the more he pushed away. He was outmatched in strength and build from the start. As if to put him deep in his chest, Miro held Eunchan in his arms and rocked his body like a cradle as if soothing him.
“Hyung, hyung came. Hyung will do everything. Eunchan doesn’t need to worry, because hyung is here. Right?”
“You crazy bastard.”
“Even if Eunchan can’t remember, it’s okay. Because hyung knows everything, hyung… Hyung Miro only has Eunchan.”
As if completely out of his mind, there was no communication. Inside Miro’s suffocatingly tight embrace, Eunchan kept struggling, but Miro like a truly insane person kept stroking Eunchan’s hair and repeatedly whispered ‘hyung’ over and over.
