“Give it to me. I’ll go ask and come back.”
“Let’s go together.”
“It’s fine. What do you want to drink? Mango Magic?”
“Yeah.”
I racked my brain while heading to the counter. How could I not burden him, not make him think it’s pity, and easily get through this situation? But honestly, I had never pitied Kkotmoa. I may have thought he was cute or pretty, but I had never once thought he was pitiful. Kkotmoa didn’t act in a way that would make me think that at all. Haah…, if I had known this would happen, I should’ve loaded five hundred thousand won. While having belated regrets, my brain worked quickly.
“Can you check how much is left on this?”
“Just a moment. Um…, there’s thirty-two thousand won left.”
After pondering what to do, I also held out my credit card.
“Please fill it up to one hundred thousand won. And give me two Mango Magics. And I have a favor……”
After once again asking for help from the employee who helped with the event last time, I returned to my seat with the cafe card loaded with one hundred thousand won and a buzzer. Kkotmoa, who had already spread out a workbook, asked with sparkling eyes.
“What did they say?”
I was disappointed without realizing it that it wasn’t a math workbook.
“They said cards loaded with over one hundred thousand won were mixed in here and there. But when I looked to pay just now, it was over. So I loaded one hundred thousand won more.”
“Why did you load so much?”
“Did you think I’d just mooch off you all this time and wipe my mouth clean? A man has his pride.”
“But still, that was free.”
“Free or whatever, it was an event you won, and the fact that I mooched off you doesn’t change. If you don’t like it, keep buying yourself.”
I grumbled while watching his reaction. Kkotmoa smiled broadly and said ‘Who said I don’t like it?’ while fiddling with the buzzer. It seemed he intended to go get it himself when the bell rang. What I learned after becoming close with him was that he’s the type who likes to do even small things thoroughly. He’d probably go confirm with the employee whether cards loaded with over one hundred thousand won were really mixed in. Then the employee would say the predetermined answer as we agreed upon.
“Why are you giving this to me?”
When I held out the cafe card, he opened his eyes wide as if puzzled. Kkotmoa sometimes opens his eyes wide like this, and when he does, he’s really cuter than a baby rabbit. With white, chewy cheeks and eyes without double eyelids that extend long at the corners—how wide those eyes open, he blinks with his eyes so wide open that I worry uselessly that his eyeballs might roll out. Sometimes I deliberately do things that would make him make this expression because I want to see it.
“I’ll lose it if I keep it. I’ve lost my student ID and wallet often too.”
For meticulous me, losing something was utterly impossible. But thinking Kkotmoa’s heart might be more comfortable if he kept the cafe card, I keep doing things I didn’t used to do and my lies increase. Although I was taught by adults since childhood that lying is bad, I don’t think all lies are bad. If it’s this kind of lie, I could do it several times without feeling guilty.
“You look like a total perfectionist but you’re secretly quite sloppy. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it well. You know I’ve been keeping it well until now, right?”
The guy who showed a bright smile quickly put away the cafe card. At the same time the buzzer rang, and Kkotmoa ran quickly to the counter. Even my flower’s slender back view overflowed with vitality. As expected, checking it seems, he has a conversation with the employee while tightly holding two cups of Mango Magic in both hands. I let out a relieved breath and rubbed the back of my neck for no reason. Even I thought it was a pretty decent improvisation.
Then I became thoughtlessly curious. What does looking like a perfectionist mean? What kind of appearance do I have in Kkotmoa’s eyes that he said such a thing? My one and only friend barks woof woof but doesn’t lie. He’d rather curse than say things he doesn’t mean.
[How do I look]
Even after sending the message to Kang Junwoo, I wondered what I was doing. As befitting a guy who can never let go of his phone, a reply came immediately.
[Look in a mirror you crazy bastard]
[Not what I see but how do I look to you]
[I don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings]
[I won’t get hurt so tell me]
[You’re fucking ugly, the ugliest squid bastard in the whole school. If I were born with your face… ey fuck]
At the answer I never even thought of, I gripped my phone so hard it might break, then shoved it into my bag as if throwing it. Even though I’d been friends with Kang Junwoo for so long, I learned for the first time today. That this bastard is really good at lying. I resolved that when I go to school tomorrow, I must teach him that lying is bad. Adults don’t tell you not to lie since childhood for no reason. Kang Junwoo seriously lacked basic fundamental education.
Kkotmoa, who returned to his seat, started solving the foreign language section he had spread out first. In between, he asked about grammar or words he didn’t know. For words you don’t know, having someone use that word to give examples and explain is an easier way to memorize than looking it up in a dictionary, so I had him ask me everything. Every time Kkotmoa asked a question, I found the pattern in the study guide I organized for him and explained it. The more I did so, the emptiness of my right hand placed on the table only grew. Kkotmoa only covered the back of my right hand with his palm when solving math problems, like he mentioned the math god to Kang Junwoo.
“Is English very difficult?”
“Yeah. It’s as difficult as math. With math, at least if you know the formulas and somewhat grasp the applications, you can attempt to solve it, but English is new every time I look at it, so it’s really difficult.”
I moved my lips while alternately looking at my right hand placed on the table and Kkotmoa’s small head buried in the workbook. When it came to actually speaking, words didn’t come easily. Still, I thought it was worth trying.
“When I was very young, I lived in America for about 3 years. At that time, my father’s business became important in America too, so the whole family went.”
“Huh?”
Kkotmoa raised his head and made eye contact with me. My throat burned and my mouth was dry. Leaving my right hand on the table as it was, I took a sip of Mango Magic with my left hand. The sweetness spread and the tension eased a little.
“Even now, every Monday I take classes only in English with a native speaker.”
“Then you’re not just good at studying English but also good at speaking?”
It was a question that hit the core. Although there are many kids in our country with high TOEFL scores, not all of them are good at speaking too. In fact, speaking is the biggest problem when Korean kids go abroad. Because of the cramming brainwashing education method that makes you memorize everything unconditionally, saying English is a memorization subject, even if you have all the theory in your head, you can’t immediately bring it out of your mouth. That’s why even kids who compete with scores go on language training or study abroad.
“Yeah. I learned English before Korean. I’ve continuously gotten perfect scores in the foreign language section from childhood until now, and I got first place when I participated in an English competition last year.”
“Wow. You study way better than I thought. As expected, I really picked a good Teacher.”
Whether he didn’t understand what I meant or pretended not to understand, my right hand was still empty. It seemed like my right hand was numb because it had stiffened without budging even a bit. Even though I practiced the words in my mind several times, when I tried to spit them out, I wanted to die from embarrassment. Rather, if there really was a math god like Kkotmoa said, I wouldn’t have been this embarrassed. However, my right hand was empty enough to overcome the embarrassment, and I was shameless enough. The moment Kkotmoa was about to bow his head to concentrate on the problem again, my heart rushed and without realizing it, I spat out the words first.
“So, about that.”
“Huh?”
“Don’t you need an English god?”
I was pulling tricks on Kkotmoa.
The back of my neck heated up hotly and my earlobes became so hot with embarrassment that I couldn’t make eye contact with Kkotmoa. I kept my gaze down and just stared at the innocent workbook.
“I need it. But I was worried I might take all your energy. I was worried you might not be able to take the CSAT if I steal all your study god.”
“……You worry about everything.”
“Then can I receive the English god’s energy too?”
“Yeah.”
I unnecessarily clenched and unclenched my right hand into a fist. It was because I was nervous after blatantly pulling tricks. The foolishly innocent and pure Kkotmoa fell for the nonsensical trick. My gaze followed Kkotmoa’s left hand as it moved. His left hand was approaching my right hand. Those few short seconds felt longer than a month when the moon rotates and revolves.
“……”
And momentarily, I was at a loss for words. I naturally thought Kkotmoa’s palm would cover the back of my hand. But he flipped my hand that was placed palm-down, showing the back, to show the palm. Could it be…… Just from the sensation of him arbitrarily flipping my hand, all the muscles in my body tightened firmly. My thought of ‘could it be’ hit exactly right. Kkotmoa overlapped his palm on top of my palm and held it. I swallowed dry saliva and looked at Kkotmoa. Our eyes met. Every time he smiles like this, I want to offer him everything in the world.
“The back of the hand is the math god, and the English god is the palm.”
And I wasn’t the only one pulling tricks. Because he smiled so prettily that my soul left me, strength kept entering my whole body. I had never seen a flower bloom more beautifully than this.
A flower prettier and more beautiful than any flower in the world bloomed in my hand.
All the way home, I grinned like an idiot while looking at my right hand that had been held by him. Today Kkotmoa only studied English the whole time at the cafe. And my hand was held by him until just before we parted. The sensation of palm touching palm made me into an imbecile and made the corners of my mouth twitch on their own. I had the cliché thought that I wished time would stop like this, and I had to make tremendous effort to maintain the corners of my mouth that were about to reach my ears. However, far from clasping his hand properly, I couldn’t even properly put strength in my finger joints and just stiffened as if it weren’t my hand. Anyway, even though I was at a loss for how to explain this ticklish feeling, I couldn’t stop smiling.
