“The scenery is nice, though.”
A calm pop song flowed from the radio and the car was filled with a subtle coffee scent. The sunset created beautiful colors on the gently flowing river.
Siwoo, who had reclined the driver’s seat back, blankly stared at the setting sun. Between the radio host’s voice and pop songs alternating, watching until the red sun disappeared and darkness arrived, the coffee he’d been sipping little by little also showed its bottom.
It’s so nice like this, but when I suggested everyone come on a drive together.
He’d suggested a drive to the other members except Evan, who had gone abroad for CF filming, but everyone refused with various reasons.
The one who gave the most direct answer was Sangjun.
‘I’m too young to die young… Did you do some composing?’
How would they know his driving experience exceeded several decades? In their eyes, Siwoo’s license was still in a state where the stamp hadn’t even dried yet. Instead of the sports car he wanted, Siwoo, who had reluctantly accepted the SUV Evan bought him and drove it outside, drove without hesitation.
Parked in the best spot to watch the sunset in the quiet suburbs, Siwoo’s expression as he spent time alone quietly without anyone’s interference wasn’t very bright.
Though he might look comfortable and relaxed on the outside, inside Siwoo’s head, more distracting thoughts than ever were boiling.
[Coco, where are you?]
His expression darkened even more after checking Evan’s message.
[Did filming start? It’s warm there, right? Lucky you.]
[You said you drove out. Night driving is hard, so call Daehwan hyung at least.]
Though they were holding their phones and exchanging messages at the same time, the two were talking about different things.
[I drive well.]
After sending the message, Siwoo rubbed his face with both hands and straightened the reclined seat. It was a personal CF schedule for 3 nights and 4 days, and it was himself who had refused Evan’s suggestion to go together like a vacation. He’d be back tomorrow, but a deep sigh flowed from Siwoo’s mouth as he raised his right hand to rub his left chest.
Seeing a video call coming in instead of a message, Siwoo finished the coffee that remained. Clearing his throat and shaking his head slightly, he raised his sunken tension.
“Did you film?”
Speaking in a slightly brighter tone than usual, Siwoo saw Evan’s face against a background full of sunshine and waved his hand slightly too.
“We did it in the morning and now we’re resting for a bit because the sunshine is too hot. Are you in the car? What about dinner?”
Seeing the sparkling sunshine, beautiful ocean, and even Evan’s hair fluttering slightly in the wind, a small smile bloomed on Siwoo’s face.
“I should eat after I go back.”
“I miss you.”
“What are you saying? You’re looking at me right now.”
Unlike the honest Evan, Siwoo couldn’t bring out the words in his heart. Siwoo’s fingertips, forcing himself to smile, were stroking Evan’s face on the screen.
“I’m looking, but I can’t touch you. I should have come with you.”
“I have a lot to do here too, you know? I have to work with Sangjun hyung too.”
“I can’t sleep because you’re not next to me. I didn’t sleep yesterday either.”
“I slept just fine, though?”
At Evan’s whining, Siwoo quickly teased him. He wanted to continue the call, but he could hear staff looking for Evan. Saying he’d leave a message when filming ended since it would be late at night in Korea, and with a greeting that he’d contact him again tomorrow, Evan’s face disappeared from the screen.
“Actually, I couldn’t sleep either.”
Looking at the phone that had now gone black, Siwoo confessed the truth. He couldn’t say that he’d rushed out because he felt like he’d go crazy if he stayed at the dorm or agency. As Siwoo slowly blinked, both his cheeks became damp.
I miss you so much I could die.
Wherever I look, whatever I do, I only think of you. I’m scared because it feels like there’s only you in my world. I even have my passport in my bag. Because if I just get on a plane, I can go to your side. But I can’t do that, can I? I shouldn’t be like this, right?
The truth he couldn’t convey created a lump in his chest.
By the time his breathing became rough, Siwoo wiped his face with both hands.
He didn’t know at first. But as time passed, what Siwoo felt first upon discovering himself having negative thoughts and searching for traces of Evan was fear.
The first day, he had no thoughts. Acknowledging there was a problem started from the morning of the second day when he woke up after sleeping alone without Evan.
Like opening Pandora’s box, the dark emotions he’d suppressed started popping out, and he moved like crazy to escape from them. He turned up the music loud in the practice room and practiced choreography until he was exhausted, and while repeatedly listening to the song Sangjun hyung gave him, he tried to write even one line.
But the darkness filled with ugly emotions gradually devoured him. At the suffocating fear, Siwoo burrowed into Evan’s bed without its owner. Hugging Evan’s pillow full of his scent, he watched dawn break.
It’s okay. Evan cherishes and loves him. And he does too. They have no problems and can do well—he muttered countless times.
Having spent the night like that without sleep, Siwoo was led by Sangjun’s hand to sit at the dining table, but couldn’t eat anything in front of him. Siwoo, who got up holding only coffee, headed toward Evan’s room instead of his own room without realizing it.
‘Hyung, what’s in Evan hyung’s room?’
At Yechan’s words, Siwoo stopped walking. He left the dorm and headed to the agency. Siwoo, who had been practicing, discovered himself standing blankly in the middle of the practice room at some point.
His gaze was directed not at the mirror reflecting his dancing figure but toward the entrance, and Evan’s image flickered in his head.
Lately Evan had been spending a lot of time in the conference room. The framework for the mini-album was set, and the main song was decided too. He’d heard they’d have to go into recording soon, and the choreography team was working on the choreography. Recently Evan hadn’t come to the practice room, and he recalled that even on the morning of his departure, he’d attended a meeting.
There would be more traces of Evan there than here. Even while breathing unconsciously, Siwoo, realizing he was searching for Evan’s pheromones, immediately took out his phone and contacted the members.
He needed to go somewhere unrelated to Evan, somewhere completely different. And Siwoo, rejected by everyone, was out alone like this.
Even in the space full of new car smell since it had only been parked in the parking lot and never driven, Siwoo knew what he was looking for.
“I must really be crazy.”
It was only two days. The time spent without Evan was only two days. If he just got through tonight, he’d be back, but his life was already a complete mess. Siwoo, who bit the soft flesh inside his mouth, opened his tightly closed eyes and pulled his sleeve to wipe his face.
Rush hour.
Siwoo’s fingertips trembled faintly as he drove like a turtle on the completely jammed road.
Feeling stuffy, he kept running his hand through his hair, and the fingertips that had been touching his lower lip picked off all the slightly raised skin on his lips. Siwoo’s fingertips, not even perceiving the fishy taste of blood, quickly turned his lips bloody.
Siwoo’s heart was beating fast as he stopped the car in the parking lot.
“Hyung. I’m going to sleep, so don’t wake me.”
Entering the dorm, as soon as Siwoo made eye contact with Chan in the living room, he briefly stated only his business and entered Evan’s room. Siwoo, who locked the door, buried his face in his bed without taking off his clothes. Evan’s pheromones that he’d missed like crazy instantly enveloped him.
Pillow, bed sheet, blanket—what he’d been searching for all day was full there.
Sangjun looked at the firmly closed door and took out his phone. He unlocked it, but the phone that hadn’t been used for a certain period returned to lock mode again.
“Siwoo. He’s in there, right?”
“I think so?”
“When did he go in?”
“I don’t really know either. I saw him go into that room saying he was going to sleep around 9 last night.”
Sangjun’s gaze, after briefly conversing with Chan, reached the clock on the wall.
7 PM.
It didn’t make sense that Siwoo, who had entered Evan’s room around 9 last night, hadn’t come out until now.
At the feeling of the door not opening and rattling as it caught, he let go of the handle. He knocked and called his name, but no sound could be heard from inside.
“When I knocked around 3 earlier, there was no answer either.”
“Hyung, were you home the whole time?”
“No, I went out in the morning and came back around then.”
Seeing Chan speaking as if it was nothing serious, Sangjun let go of the handle he was holding.
Since yesterday afternoon’s suggestion to go on a drive together, there had been no contact from Siwoo. And it was Sangjun who had entered the dorm to check after Evan’s contact saying he couldn’t reach Siwoo.
“I’m going out.”
He thought Chan seemed dressed up, and when Chan left, Sangjun sat on the living room sofa. And just as he was about to call Evan, a call came from him.
“Did you arrive at the dorm?”
“Yeah. Chan hyung said he saw him come into the dorm around 9 last night and go into your room saying he’d sleep there. Everyone went out and stuff, so I don’t know the exact situation.”
“My room?”
“Yeah, your room. But the door is locked. I knocked and called his name, but there’s no answer.”
“Are you sure he’s in there?”
“Your room door wouldn’t lock by itself. Siwoo’s shoes are at the entrance.”
“I’m getting on the plane now, so just leave it. I’ll take care of it.”
After being silent for a moment, Evan only said that and hung up.
“Since I’m here, let me wash up and sleep comfortably.”
Sangjun, who had been staying at the studio for several days and came to the dorm at Evan’s urging, stretched and glanced at Evan’s room door still firmly closed.
Getting anxious because there’s no contact for a few hours. Well, that was what dating was.
Evan, who turned on his phone as soon as he landed, first confirmed that Siwoo still hadn’t read his message. Not checking messages, no contact. Not receiving contact either.
But he was in his room at the dorm.
Late at night when everyone was asleep.
From the moment he opened the dorm’s front door, at the plum scent felt intensely, Evan let out a deep sigh. The quiet pheromones containing no emotion told him Siwoo was deeply asleep.
Opening the locked door as Sangjun said, Evan couldn’t readily enter the room. In the room without drawn curtains, subtle moonlight poured in. That moonlight revealed the disheveled room without hiding anything.
Slowly being careful not to make a sound as he entered, Evan closed the door and leaned his body against it.
