“The subject of salvation must be the self. But you’re trying to resolve that through another individual.”
It can’t be helped. I didn’t embrace Raha.
“And through me, at that. I never saved you.”
I might be jumping to conclusions. Maybe I’m looking down on humans too much and indulging in foolish delusions. I’m close to perfect, but I’m an existence that cannot be perfect.
It might be called arrogance. Right now I’m doing something more irrational and unreasonable than ever before. If I truly wanted efficient and rational action, I should have faithfully fulfilled only rights and duties.
I shouldn’t have embraced utterly useless things just because they’re pretty. I shouldn’t have loved things unworthy of my love. But I’m doing it. Recently I’ve been making far too many mistakes.
How many times in my long existence have I made such ridiculous errors? My memory is hazy. I’ve really done it now.
Raha started crying like the world had ended.
“This is strange now. Levia-nim is right in front of me, this close, but you feel so far away. Even though you’re in front of me, it feels like you’re not here, and even though I’m looking at you, I miss you. Why is this happening?”
“…My power must have occupied too much of you.”
“No, no. That’s not it…”
I understand why he’s crying. Even things that take root do that. Things from which I withdrew my authority felt tremendous loss. In severe cases, they wither and die just like that. That’s why I never veiled myself to prevent reaching me unless something was seriously wrong.
But Raha wasn’t originally a child of my embrace. He wasn’t a child who belonged to me. And I veiled myself from Raha’s world. I only removed myself. Raha’s world remains unchanged. I didn’t withdraw my power either.
“I simply severed what reaches me. There’s no problem.”
“That, that’s the problem!”
“No. This is fine. Originally, I don’t exist in your world.”
But why is he crying like this? I only returned things to how they were.
Ah, this won’t do. I tried not to embrace him. I can’t help it. In the end, I had no choice but to embrace the crying Raha. And I patted his back while speaking in a gentle tone.
“You’ll be fine soon. You’re just startled right now.”
“No! Levia-nim, why… Why, why are you being so cold to me?”
“I truly cherish you. It’s wrong for you to be submerged in me, so I corrected it.”
I don’t know what humans call this by their standards. But I know it’s painful. Because I made something he can’t help but love unable to reach him.
Raha’s suffering breaks my heart too, but it can’t be helped. He’s enchanted by me. He’s gone mad even though I haven’t particularly done anything for him. Like a moth throwing itself into flames, he rushes at me, disregarding everything about himself.
“Humans really seem strange.”
Human love seems somehow wrong. Or is that normal for these beings? Either way, it causes wounds. Either they don’t tend to their own wounds, or they hurt the other person.
This is probably too much of a leap as well. I think it’s just because Raha is immature. Because Raha is a hatchling. Because he’s not a mature individual, because he wasn’t properly raised. Humans take a very long time to train, and Raha probably wasn’t taught the right methods.
He wasn’t a normal individual to begin with, so there’s no way they would have raised Raha—who could have died at any moment—properly. It’s truly sad, but it’s also cruel to demand the same duties from a hopeless individual.
“Levia-nim, I, I did everything wrong. I won’t do it again anymore. Please let me reach you again. Please…”
“I can’t. If I leave you like this any longer, you’ll break. You can’t handle it.”
“I can. Really, really, I’ll do well.”
“You couldn’t do it. You were breaking. I don’t want you to die.”
I kept comforting him, but Raha only cried. Until he cried himself to exhaustion and fell asleep, continuously.
***
“Raha, at least eat this. You’ll die at this rate.”
“…I won’t die. Probably.”
After I veiled myself from Raha’s world, Raha gradually lost more and more vitality. He barely ate, and he no longer smiled prettily and chirped. He just cried endlessly and only breathed.
The aftereffects are more severe than I thought. But I didn’t regret it. It was a bit late, but I’m glad I didn’t hesitate when I realized. If I’d delayed out of concern for his suffering, he would have died young with no time to do anything.
“Is there something you want? What do you want me to do for you?”
“…Will you really do it?”
“If it’s something I can do, and if it won’t harm you.”
I can do anything. Even if he wants all the world’s rare treasures, even if he wants glory that would make thousands of gods bow their heads. It might seem excessive for a mere human, but if he wants it nonetheless, I can make it happen.
Of course, I can’t really do everything. It would have to be within what I can do. I can’t give him the whole world. Or rather, more precisely, it would depend on what his definition of “world” is.
But Raha only seems to want troublesome things.
“Please lift the veil you’ve drawn over me.”
“I can’t do that. You’re too fragile…”
“I feel like I’m withering to death.”
Raha barely managed his wilting body and leaned against me. I felt sorry for Raha like this, so I didn’t push him away but let him into my embrace and stroked his head. Perhaps thinking that was permission, Raha pressed his cheek against my chest and whispered.
“You cherished me. You said I was pretty, Levia-nim. Why can’t I love you? Why must you cover my eyes and separate my world? Levia-nim… do you hate me?”
How could that be? How could I hate this pretty thing? It’s nonsense, and I wouldn’t pour this much devotion into something I hated. I told Raha again what I’d said many times before.
“I cherish and love you. That’s why I’m doing this. You can’t become us.”
“Why not? I can become anything, and I don’t care either way. I just, I just want to live happily with Levia-nim for a long, long time!”
He seems angry that I won’t grant his wish. The sobbing voice naturally became sharp. I accepted even Raha’s tantrum.
“That’s exactly why you can’t. I merely exist, and you are a life with the right and qualification to live.”
Though Raha doesn’t seem satisfied with that either. In the end, it became another tantrum.
“I don’t know, that kind of thing… I don’t know about that!”
I tried comforting him, tried getting angry. I tried saying the same thing over and over, trying to soothe him until he could understand. But he won’t listen at all. Am I doing something pointless? No matter how much I try, I don’t see any sign of it ending.
“Please cherish me. I’m the prettiest, aren’t I?”
“Not the prettiest.”
Raha seemed greatly shocked by my words.
What is he thinking? Before I drew the veil over Raha’s world, I could feel it at a faint level, but now I can’t even do that. I felt the urge to secretly peek, but I barely held back.
Because of that, if the veil is lifted again, Raha’s mind might truly collapse. Even now I couldn’t really say he was fine, but I don’t want Raha to break. I want him to be fixed somehow.
Again, prettily. He’s pretty even now, but I didn’t want him to wither away so desperately like this.
I wonder if Raha knows how much I cherish and love him. He only endlessly clings and craves.
“I was wrong. Yes, even if I’m not the prettiest, it’s okay. Right now I am pretty, aren’t I?”
“Yes. That’s right. You’re really pretty.”
“Please cherish me more. Love me. Hold me.”
“I’m already doing that enough.”
How could I cherish and love him more than this? I don’t know anything beyond this. But Raha had no faith and doubted endlessly. From Raha’s throat came a terrible, shrill sound like his soul was being torn out.
“Lies… liar… Levia-nim doesn’t love me!”
“But it’s true. I wonder why.”
“Then please make me subordinate. Into your world, me…!”
“I said I can’t.”
Oh, this won’t do. I quickly cut off Raha’s words. That was close. Words have power. Ordinary humans generally have weak willpower, but Raha received my power, however faintly. If he spits out some intense wish in this state, it could really be disastrous.
If it were a possible kind of thing, there’d be no problem, but unfortunately, what Raha was about to say was in the realm of impossibility. It was also a wish that shouldn’t be.
“Even if I’m wearing the guise of human form right now, I’m not human. I can’t do those things in the way you want.”
Just because I love ants doesn’t mean I can become the queen of ants. I can’t construct the same world for you. Raha doesn’t seem to understand this. Is it because I’m imitating human form? Is that why he’s submerged in visual information?
Raha was truly changing strangely. He’d sob himself to exhaustion and collapse, then suddenly grit his teeth, get up, and scream. Sometimes he’d display incomprehensible strength and get angry.
And then like this, he’d beg abjectly.
“I won’t wish for anything. Just let me love you.”
“That’s your heart, and you can do as you wish. And from what I see, you seem to be doing it excessively faithfully.”
“Please don’t cast me out. I can abandon everything. Okay? In your world, in this nest…”
“Oh dear. I’ve driven you mad.”
It was an inevitable sigh. Words that just burst out of my mouth. But I couldn’t take them back, and there was no reason to. Because they were words that had to be said eventually.
