# Chapter 43
I don’t know how long I slept.
It seemed like a long, very long time. Perhaps I didn’t want to open my eyes ever again.
When I close my eyes and sink into sleep, I don’t have to think about anything. Unlike ordinary people, I don’t even dream, so if I just kept my eyes closed, there wouldn’t be any problems.
But once I wake up and try to fall asleep again, an overwhelming fear takes over, making me curl up.
“Aaaaargh—!”
“P-please, save me!”
The screams of people still vividly echo.
Their faces drained of color.
Their trembling bodies.
When I assassinated people, I didn’t need to feel these emotions. They were people who threatened Kalvern, the only person I could trust and depend on.
Those who try to kill others deserve to die themselves.
That’s why I killed them. Used them as nourishment.
For Kalvern. For myself.
But the people massacred by my hands in the marketplace were different. They threatened no one. They tried to kill no one. They… deserved nothing like death.
An overwhelming, unbearable sense of guilt and self-loathing washed over me.
I thought I couldn’t understand or know most human emotions, but that was an arrogant misconception. Being created based on human form, it was impossible for me to avoid such intense emotions.
Feeling like I would never be able to fall asleep again, I pulled the blanket over my head. Even so, it was the middle of the day with bright sunlight pouring in, so I couldn’t hide in darkness, but doing this somehow made it easier to breathe.
I curled up under the blanket, my body trembling.
“Killing is wrong.”
A distant voice echoed in my mind. A gentle voice of a boy, so reassuring to hear.
“From now on, don’t kill people unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
A boy I don’t even recognize admonished me from a vague memory.
He told me not to kill, but I killed anyway. I killed everyone I could get my hands on, even though I didn’t need that many people as nourishment.
I don’t know what to do now.
The words of the boy I can’t even remember had been deeply rooted within me since the moment I opened my eyes in the black pond. That was the only thing I could trust.
“I like ……”.
“So I don’t want you to cry because of me.”
Because this person claimed to have liked me, even though I’ve forgotten.
“I like Levi. I like you so much.”
“So if Levi dies, I’ll definitely cry.”
Because this person liked me so much that they would definitely cry if I died.
That’s why I believed.
I believed Kalvern, who embraced me saying the exact same words from the moment we first met.
But he just considered me a useful pawn. He was a cold person who never considered my thoughts or feelings.
“You look human in every way.”
“Think about it the other way around. People say you’re not human because of this and that, but conversely, there are other things that prove you’re definitely human. Your appearance, your ability to eat, your ability to speak, your ability to think, and so on!”
“If we count, there’s more evidence that you’re human, so why are you thinking about it so seriously?”
“If I’m human, then Levi is human too, who else would be human?”
There’s no way Kalvern could be the same person as the boy who called me a ‘human,’ but foolishly mistaking that, I simply obeyed his orders.
All sorts of negative emotions, including regret, filled my mind.
I closed my eyes tightly while curled up.
I wish I could just fall asleep. I want to stop thinking about all this.
I buried my face in my knees. Not knowing what to do, I just thought that sleep might help me escape this heavy feeling, at least a little.
As I tried to empty my mind and longed for sleep again—
Chirp—
I heard a small sound from somewhere.
Chirp— Chirp—
The clear, short chirping sound kept distracting me.
After hearing the sound a few more times from under the blanket, I finally uncurled my body. Removing the blanket and looking toward the sound, I saw a small bird in the half-open window. With glossy brown feathers and round black eyes, the bird had a slightly plump, white-feathered belly that made it quite cute.
The tiny bird, no bigger than a palm, hopped in place a few times, then looked at me sitting on the bed. Tilting its head this way and that while making small sounds, its appearance left me half-entranced.
This wasn’t my first time seeing a bird. I had seen them flying in the sky while following Kalvern or while traveling for assassinations.
But this was the first time I’d seen a bird standing quietly, making eye contact with me. Unlike the birds in the sky that all seemed busy with their own journeys, this bird perched in the window, bathed in brilliant sunlight, looked exceptionally beautiful.
As I stared at it with sparkling, curious eyes, I seemed to have forgotten all my anxious thoughts from just moments before.
For the first time since arriving at this strange place, I got off the bed I had never left. Throughout this, the bird remained calm, still meeting my gaze as if admiring me.
I carefully walked toward the small bird. Afraid it might fly away, I approached with my presence concealed, even though it was right in front of me.
The bird’s small head tilted left and right as I got closer. This continued until I reached the window completely and stopped.
I placed my right hand on the windowsill and extended my left hand. As my left fingertips approached its beak, the curious bird bumped its head against them. Though it was just a brief touch, the bird’s head felt so soft that I wanted to pet it properly.
‘But it might fly away.’
As if to provoke my hesitation, the bird’s short beak pecked at my fingertips. That attack, which wasn’t painful but rather ticklish, gave me a bit of courage.
I extended my hand a bit more and carefully stroked the bird’s head. Fortunately, it didn’t fly away, and it quietly enjoyed the touch as if already tamed.
My heart raced over something so small. Unlike earlier, it wasn’t a painful throbbing with a sinking feeling, but rather like a pleasant, comforting pat.
Feeling good, I tried to stroke the bird’s head more, but it hopped and moved on the sill. Watching this with fascination, I saw the adorable bird hop onto the back of my right hand that was resting on the windowsill.
“Ah…!”
The moment I belatedly realized that the hand the bird had jumped on was my “black hand”—
The bird’s clear black eyes instantly clouded. Its eyelids slowly closed, and then it fell sideways. I caught the bird’s body with my left hand before it hit the floor, but the small creature’s breath had already scattered.
I looked down at the bird’s corpse lying perfectly in my left hand. The pitch-black eyes that had been shining with curiosity and interest just moments ago faded rapidly.
Standing powerlessly, I stared down at the bird’s body growing cold in my left hand for a long time.
Suddenly, an arm extended from behind me, wrapping around my waist, and another hand supported my left hand.
“It died.”
My shoulders trembled slightly at the voice near my ear. That trembling traveled down my left arm to reach the small bird, and was fully transmitted to Raziel, who was supporting my hand.
“Don’t worry about it.”
I just watched as Raziel took the small bird’s body from my left hand. Raziel gave the bird’s corpse to a servant who was nearby and briefly instructed:
“Bury it somewhere visible from this window.”
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
The servant, who bowed politely, cradled the bird’s body with both hands and left the room. I watched the door through which the servant had exited, then turned my head to fix my gaze outside the window.
Not long after, the servant who had just left appeared with another servant carrying a small shovel. Under a large tree clearly visible from the window, the two servants carefully dug the ground and neatly buried the small bird there. They didn’t forget to make a small mound to mark the spot.
Only then did I feel like my blocked breath was finally flowing. Along with that, negative emotions rose again, painfully hammering at my heart.
“They were people who would have died even if you hadn’t killed them.”
I turned to look at Raziel upon hearing those words. He was looking down at me with cold eyes that conveyed no emotion.
I removed Raziel’s “black hand” that was holding my waist as if supporting me. Then, with my back to the window, I faced him with trembling eyes.
