“Nice view, isn’t it?”
Jaeha jumped back up onto the railing. Sitting with his back to the high-rise apartments, facing the opposite direction, he dangled his legs stretched out beyond the building, swinging them pleasantly back and forth. From a distance, Taesung reached his hand toward Jaeha’s back. A little push and he’d fall. It’s only the 4th floor, but would he still die?
“Before the apartments went in, you could see mountains over there too. Old people really love mountains. They say you can feel a year has passed by watching the green mountains turn red with autumn leaves, get covered in snow, then turn green again. That’s why I put that maple tree over there.”
Taesung looked where Jaeha was pointing. A single small maple bonsai tree stood there pathetically, tinged reddish.
“That thing has autumn colors without even knowing what season it is.”
“Cut the bullshit—what have you been doing all this time to only show up now? No, more than that, what money did you use to buy this place?”
Jaeha turned his body toward Taesung. Sitting cross-legged on the railing, he stared intently at Taesung while pulling something out of his pocket. He put a purple vape pen that sparkled brilliantly in the particularly harsh sunlight between his lips, and Jaeha gave Taesung a soft smile with his eyes. His thinly curved lips parted slightly and white vapor rose up.
“You got your ID card not that long ago and you’re already throwing a fit about everything, you little brat whose head isn’t even dry yet.”
“Hyung was smoking even before you got your ID card.”
“So what, you fucking copied me thinking it was cool?”
“That’s how it started, but once I tried it, I liked it.”
A red tongue tip poked out between white teeth and licked his lips. Taesung, who had been walking a few steps toward Jaeha, stopped dead in his tracks, gripped by an inexplicable displeasure.
“My mouth gets bored, so I have to suck on this sometimes. Actually, I think I like sucking on other things more, but it’s a bit much to go around sucking on those anytime, anywhere.”
Taesung quickened his pace and reached right in front of Jaeha in an instant, grabbing him by the collar. Blue veins stood out on the back of his clenched hand. Taesung swallowed and chose his words. Jaeha pursed his especially red lips and blew white vapor into his face. Damp water vapor with a grape scent hit his face.
“You little shi—”
Suppressing the urge to punch him, Taesung was truly struggling.
“What the hell have you been doing all this time? Where the fuck did all this money come from!”
“There are ways.”
Hyun Jaeha narrowed both eyes and stared intently at Taesung’s face, then soon widened his eyes again. As if Taesung’s absurdly intense reaction was quite amusing.
“Mm, this and that. Ah, at first I left in such a rush that I needed a place to stay for a while. There happened to be a place that said I just needed to show up, so I went in and got all tangled up with a bunch of men. It smelled and was a bit gross, but I learned how to suck there too, and yeah, after rolling around all day doing what I was told, I slept well at night. Though it was a bit tiring when they’d wake me up and call me out at night sometimes.”
“Hey, Hyun Jaeha. You crazy bastard, it’s been fucking years since you got kicked out on the street—why were you going around doing that shit?”
“Ah, why not? I’d have to do it eventually anyway, so it’s better to start early.”
“Why would you…!”
Taesung let go of Jaeha’s collar as if throwing it away. Then he forcibly swallowed down the indignation rising from the depths of his chest—an emotion whose identity even he couldn’t recognize. Jaeha patted down his wrinkled shirt and stared at Taesung. At Taesung’s pathetically distorted expression, a spark of life flashed in the olive-colored eyes that had been languidly relaxed.
“What are you thinking?”
“You’d be better off dead.”
Taesung shook his head as if resigned. Jaeha bent at the waist and thrust his face close to match Taesung’s eye level.
“Dying like this would be unfair. I haven’t even been out of the military that long.”
Maybe he wanted to see the moment Taesung’s pupils trembled. As if that trembling would reveal his feelings toward Jaeha completely.
“What?”
“I just said it. That I came back from the military.”
“Hey, you fucking bastard. Are you doing this on purpose right now…”
“Why, it was something you could understand just by listening, wasn’t it? Ah, hyung never went to the military so you wouldn’t know. Well, people can only understand what they’ve experienced themselves. So what were you thinking while listening to my words?”
What insane bastard says they came back from the military in that way? Even though the intention was obvious, Taesung’s words caught in his throat and he bit his lower lip, avoiding Jaeha’s gaze.
Jaeha chuckled and grabbed Taesung’s chin. His long, outstretched fingers gripped both of Taesung’s cheeks at once. Since Taesung had never imagined Jaeha would do something like this to him, his eyebrows twitched with bewilderment and humiliation.
When was it? When did I start having to look up at the kid I’d always looked down on from so far above?
The smile disappeared from his bright face in an instant. The olive-colored eyes, now devoid of life, stared coldly at Taesung. While slowly taking in his cleanly swept-back bangs revealing his pale forehead, his deeply furrowed eyebrows, his fierce eyes glaring at Jaeha as if ready to kill him at any moment, and below his sharp nose bridge, down to his lips distorted in Jaeha’s grip.
Jaeha tilted his head until the tips of their noses nearly touched. Taesung reflexively tried to pull his face back. The grip on his cheeks tightened even more. The blood drained white from his fingertips.
“Why, worried I might have done something?”
A low tone so unfamiliar it was doubtful it came from Jaeha’s mouth wrapped around his ear. Taesung unconsciously swallowed dry saliva. He used to call Taesung in a voice so light it seemed frivolous.
“Were you worried I might have been passed around like a rag, like someone else?”
Something sank heavily in his chest.
Taesung’s pitch-black pupils shook aimlessly. It felt like his two legs standing on the concrete with peeling green paint were melting into mush, shoes and all.
He knew, he must have known. He was clever even as a kid, and Jaeha was also an alpha. There’s no way he didn’t notice the stench of various alphas’ pheromones all mixed together. The day before—no, even the morning of that day—no matter what had happened, Taesung had to take Jaeha to school following the ‘Chairman’s’ orders, and Jaeha always held Taesung’s hand tightly and observed him intently.
“Fucking let go while I’m asking nicely.”
What did Jaeha think whenever he watched Taesung with those unpleasant eyes?
“Or are you disappointed I’m not a whore? You just had an expectant look in your eyes. Ah, that bastard’s hit rock bottom in life too. Some kid who was rolling around who knows where—it sucked having to treat him like a young master, but now we’re finally on the same level.”
Their noses touched. Goosebumps rose on the back of his neck.
“Was that it? Were you expecting it, hyung?”
“You’re beating your own drum and playing your own janggu, throwing every kind of tantrum. You’re the one who wants to be treated like a whore, throwing a fit first and then blaming it on someone else. What, you fucking bastard. If you want it shoved in you that badly, don’t run your mouth—spread your ass first. I’ll fuck you as much as you want.”
“Really? I should spread it? But I don’t know if our hyung can even get it up. Should I suck you off as a warm-up before we start?”
His slightly parted lips approached as if they would cover Taesung’s lips at any moment. Unable to bear it any longer, Taesung threw a punch at this crazy bastard’s jaw.
“Ow.”
Even though he’d dodged by turning his head just before getting hit, Jaeha whined and let go of Taesung. He’d been gripped so tightly that his jawbone ached.
“You think I’m holding back for the Chairman’s sake.”
“Ah, our grandfather. Even after passing away, he’s still my guardian angel. But don’t follow me around too much. You might be shocked seeing your grandson’s intimate private life.”
“I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, but give up on everything and hide away like you’ve been living until now—whether you go overseas or hole up in some mountain corner in the countryside eating bracken. That’s how you’ll survive. This is my last advice out of consideration for old times. Got it?”
“Mmm…”
Jaeha stuck out his lips, pretended to ponder while rolling his eyes around, then soon smiled brightly.
“I don’t know.”
“You think I’m joking? You’re going to die, you bastard—you’re gonna fucking die!”
“Well, hyung will come to kill me again anyway. Even if you come with a knife, I have no intention of just taking it, so why don’t you try a sexual death instead? Then I’ll at least play along.”
“Hyun Jaeha.”
“Yes, hyung.”
His head throbbed.
Suddenly the dream he’d had that morning came to mind. The Jaeha he saw in that dream was actually closer to the Jaeha that Taesung remembered. Sometimes he’d say annoying things and throw unreasonable tantrums that exhausted Taesung, but fundamentally he was like a flower raised delicately in a greenhouse. Even after becoming a high school student, he’d always sit next to Taesung with his pale face, giving off a soft fabric softener scent, solving workbook problems while Taesung puffed away on cigarettes.
All of Taesung’s memories of Jaeha were like this. Maybe they’re idealized, but in reality, the child was even more perfect than what Taesung recalled, and Taesung who felt jealousy, hatred, and self-loathing toward that flawless child at the same time.
So perhaps this right now was Taesung’s dream.
Maybe it’s a dirty illusion created by Taesung’s unconscious mind—shocked from seeing Jaeha the day before, wanting to corrupt and defile Jaeha, drag him down to his own level just to shake off the guilt.
How can I wake up from this dream? If I push that phantom over the railing, if I kill him, will that do it?
His hand reached out unconsciously and touched Jaeha’s chest.
He shoved his chest. Jaeha was pushed back easily.
