“Why?”
For a question that expected an answer, the direction of his gaze was strange. Song Hanyeong wasn’t looking at Surim’s eyes but scrutinizing his rather thin cheeks and prominent jawline. His gaze moved to the neck and continued to the collarbone that showed clearly below. Finally, after coveting even between the open shirt collar, Song Hanyeong suddenly furrowed his eyes and turned his body.
Thud thud. Until the sound of footsteps faded and Song Hanyeong’s back completely disappeared, Surim just stared blankly after him.
Splat. The cream mochi that slipped from his weakened hand fell to the floor.
Startled back to his senses, Surim picked up two new cream mochi and pressed them firmly against both cheeks.
Just now, what was that?
* * *
Surim, who hurriedly stacked the food items neatly in the refrigerator, immediately ran to the bathroom. Standing in front of the sink and examining himself, he felt like he really had gotten a bit thin.
No, it wasn’t just a feeling. After hearing such words and looking properly, his cheeks really were hollow.
“Come to think of it, the last time I ate a meal…”
When was it? Thinking carefully, the last thing he’d properly chewed and eaten was the salad he’d had for lunch last Friday. The tofu salad he threw up right after eating yesterday couldn’t really count as eating.
Of course, he hadn’t been starving the whole time after that. He’d been drinking juice or protein shakes morning and evening. Rather, because he kept drinking something, he hadn’t realized the fact that he wasn’t eating meals besides that.
Surim stroked his thin cheeks and the back of his neck where bones could be felt in turn, sighing that this was why he was told he’d gotten thin.
“I have been out of it.”
Actually, he didn’t remember very well how he’d handled the funeral either. His hyung had died, and at some point he was standing at the entrance holding the urn. The memories of what happened in between were vague and ambiguous.
But even after experiencing such a thing, seeing how he jumped up to jog as soon as it was 6 AM Tuesday morning, habits of over ten years really were impressive. Surim smiled bitterly while thinking he should eat both protein shake and salad for lunch.
Actually, sometimes he wondered what the point of living was. It felt like deep loneliness was seeping into each cell singing despair. It was cold and lonely, like submerging his body in ice water.
But he couldn’t sink like this.
Because.
‘I want my little brother to live normally, working hard at the company, dating nicely, eating lots of delicious things.’
Because his hyung had said that. Since he couldn’t do it himself, he wanted Surim to do it in his place. Surim had a duty to experience the ordinary life his hyung spoke of, then tell him his impressions after death.
Surim leaned against the sink and caught his rough breath. The breath that kept getting more labored was painful, but after taking several deep breaths like that, it got better.
“Ah… come to think of it, it’s soon… that day.”
In a few days, it would be the ‘Contract Fulfillment Day.’ Once every two weeks on Sunday, Surim knocked on the door of hotel room 1023. Inside, a large man named Nasol would be waiting, and Surim would sit on the opposite sofa and extend his arm to him. Nasol would wipe Surim’s forearm with a cold alcohol swab, stick in a needle, and fill a 200ml blood pack full.
That man was very sensitive about contract terms. He was particularly picky about Surim’s health issues to the point of being sensitive. Though he worried about the quality of the blood, that too was a concern if you called it one.
Surim reflexively thought of Myeongho’s ordered desserts filling the refrigerator. The chocolate cake that looked sticky-sweet, the pound cake full of dried fruit, and the croissants baked with tons of butter down to the soft pudding. Right now the refrigerator was full of foods perfect for gaining weight.
However, they weren’t foods Surim could eat. Generally, desserts like those definitely contained butter, eggs, and milk. They were ingredients Surim couldn’t eat.
“At times like this, dates…”
Surim, who returned to the research lab, ordered dried dates online. Being excessively sweet was a disadvantage, but excluding just that, it was the most effective food for gaining weight. It bothered him that it wasn’t healthy weight gain, but it would still be better than being told he looked gaunt.
After solving the urgent matter, Surim returned to work.
He’d been agonizing all morning and consulted with Assistant Manager Seong too, but it seemed he should change the pantry snack management method that had been operated biasedly under Myeongho’s dictatorship. Myeongho’s method was one that gave too much authority and responsibility to Surim, who was just a new employee. Assistant Manager Seong said at times like this, distributing responsibility equally to everyone was best.
Tap tap tap, the sound of keyboard typing continued for a while.
Surim posted an announcement in the team messenger group chat that Myeongho had invited him to.
[Jin Surim] Hello. This is Jin Surim from the General Affairs Team. I have uploaded a pantry snack order request file to the Shared Folder/General Affairs Team folder. If you write down the snacks you want, I will reflect them as much as possible when purchasing.
Murmuring sounds could be heard from where the researchers were gathered. Complaints followed about finally escaping Manager Lee Myeongho’s dictatorship, wanting salty snacks not just sweet ones, and protests that they didn’t know how to be grateful after he ordered expensive things.
Surim pretended not to but perked up his ears and enjoyed their reactions. Assistant Manager Seong had said that when you do something for people and there’s no reaction, it’s really disappointing, but when they’re happy, you feel oddly proud—now he seemed to understand the meaning of those words. Having a reaction made him feel inexplicably happy.
“……”
While Surim was pondering what to do next, he couldn’t contain his surging curiosity and opened the file again. Many people were accessing the file and writing up lists.
‘Song Hanyeong hasn’t written anything?’
If it was a snack Song Hanyeong wanted, he’d order it even if it was a bit expensive. Surim’s gaze headed to the top of Song Hanyeong’s head that showed slightly above the partition. He hadn’t noticed when facing him, but a few strands of hair showed signs of being unkempt.
“Come to think of it, his clothes…”
Weren’t they the same as yesterday? Tracing back his morning memories, he could recall more. Uncertain memories became clear.
Song Hanyeong’s clothes were definitely the same as yesterday. You could tell by the wrinkles on his forearms. If he’d changed into a new dress shirt and come to work in the morning, it would have been stiff. While suits could be like that, wasn’t it strange not to change dress shirts?
Considering his face soaked with fatigue and how he’d made 3 shots of coffee without adding ice or water, he might have pulled an all-nighter at the research lab. Then he would have been incredibly sleepy, and it made sense that he hadn’t noticed Surim disassembling delivery boxes in one corner of the pantry at first. On the way out, he’d noticed but either didn’t realize it was Surim, or thought it was a dream…
Anyway, there must have been some reasonable reason like that for why he’d groped someone like that and tossed out impressions about being thin.
“I see.”
After understanding the situation, he felt like he’d been unnecessarily too surprised over nothing.
Surim recalled the broad, solid shoulders he’d seen earlier. If a man had such a perfect body, it was natural that his own insignificant body would feel strange.
Surim, who had been fiddling with his wrist, sighed deeply. The bones protruding were the same, but unlike Song Hanyeong’s masculine hands, they were like bone sticks.
Let’s eat meals properly starting today. Then surely it will be fine soon.
* * *
“Huu…”
Surim, who had been burying his head in the toilet, panted and shakily straightened his back. When he flushed, the lunch he’d just thrown up was sucked into the sewage pipe.
It didn’t make sense. The salad had been fresh, and there was nothing wrong with Surim’s body anywhere. It meant neither the food had gone bad nor had Surim gotten indigestion. But before even thirty minutes had passed after finishing his meal, his stomach turned inside out and he ended up vomiting everything he’d eaten.
Not just the salad but the protein shake he’d eaten with it too. Now there was nothing left in Surim’s stomach.
“…Don’t tell me…”
He had an ominous premonition. Throwing up right after eating yesterday morning. Being able to normally drink juice and protein shake. And just now vomiting after a meal.
“I won’t throw up every time I eat, will I…?”
Twice. He’d only vomited twice. There were too few cases to be certain. Perhaps his stomach, which had been drinking only beverages and starving, was struggling to digest vegetables.
Surim canceled his plan to go home and make tofu kimchi and decided to eat white porridge instead.
But what if he threw up even that?
Maybe, perhaps, probably, surely…
With each addition of ominous imagination, Surim’s complexion grew darker. If he really couldn’t eat meals properly, what should he do from now on?
‘Hyung told me to eat lots of delicious things…’
Surim rinsed his mouth and checked himself in the mirror. He’d already looked haggard, but with his face now pale too, he was in a terrible state.
He should probably drink at least some juice. Just as Surim, who remembered seeing apple juice in the pantry refrigerator, was staggering along—
