<Hyung, my name is Gi Sewan.>
<I know. You told me last time. And I probably won’t be able to forget you until I die.>
<Then that’s enough. Goodbye.>
Sewan, who had politely greeted once more, turned his back on Sagyeong. The gait walking briskly out of the archive room subtly revealed hesitation and reluctance, so he tilted his head. However, the child had already disappeared from Sagyeong’s view.
Click, after the door closed, Sewan found himself in front of a three-way path. To the left was an entrance connected to the emergency exit, straight ahead was an elevator, and to the right was a staircase going up. What was certain was that neither direction was heaven in the conventional sense.
Suddenly looking out the window of the hallway, Sewan stared directly at the external landscape that had begun to gradually darken as the sunset had disappeared at some point, then impulsively turned his head to the right. Then, without looking back even once, he began climbing the stairs.
Footsteps so faint they were barely audible slowly headed to the upper floors.
Sewan, still young, didn’t clearly know why people whose hope in this life had become scarce made such extreme decisions. But he felt it instinctively. That there would be no hell worse than here, at least.
When the child reached the rooftop, feeling a distant sensation as if trapped in a cave at the bottom of the sea, a chilly wind blew over his head.
<It’s cold……. >
He slowly approached the railing and looked down below the building. The five-story building was quite high, more distant than expected. The surrounding landscape, where darkness had begun to descend, was gloomy. The location was on the middle of a mountain where people were scarce, and the season was before it got warm, so the more he looked around, the more this feeling intensified. Thanks to this, the young child’s clear eyes shook quite noisily like tree branches swept by fierce wind. The tear ducts gradually filled, and the area around his eyes rippled with moist moisture.
Yesterday, while pondering what method to try in order to die, Sewan read in a book the explanation that ‘when a person falls from a high place to the ground, organs can rupture or internal parts can fracture, generally leading to immediate death.’ It seemed that blood didn’t splatter as much as what you see in dramas or movies.
The child, who had climbed onto the railing with a nervous air, organized his thoughts as slowly as possible.
He repeated to himself that even if others didn’t know why he did such a foolish thing, ‘that person’ would understand.
Because he, like himself, had seen the creator who had become that monster.
Sewan, who had been lost in thought, soon extended one leg into the air. There was absolutely no invisible support below to hold him up as he fell. If he bent his body forward like this and tilted his weight, his body would fall and crash onto the asphalt ground.
Then all ties with that brutal house would be over.
‘But why does that hyung seem fine? Even though he saw the same thing as me…… ‘
Young Sewan suddenly thought that he was very envious of Sagyeong’s strength as a relatively older person.
‘Just a little more…… ‘
The child, who had gathered courage and bent his upper body forward, slowly blurred his balance to completely entrust his body to the wind. Then he squeezed his eyes shut.
Eventually, the tears that had been pooling in his eyes dripped onto his pale cheeks.
Soon the child tried to completely collapse his entire body outside the railing.
That was the moment.
Crash! Thud! The rooftop door swung wide open, followed by the violent sound of a person’s body hitting the wall. A scream-like voice, as if terrified, was a bonus.
<Hey! Gi Sewan! What are you doing right now!>
When he turned around, Sagyeong, whose uniform shirt was completely disheveled, was panting and glaring at Sewan. His face, which had been snow-white, was bright red as if he had run up without a moment to breathe.
As if the precarious sight of the child standing on the railing was too terrible, he trembled with his body shaking, then quickly ran toward Sewan. Then, as if telling him not to have any foolish thoughts, he firmly grabbed the child’s legs.
The look in his eyes at that moment seemed pitiful, and also seemed affectionate. Perhaps it was both.
<I was going to die.>
<Haah…… Huff. You little thing. What the hell are you doing?>
<Let go.>
<You don’t even know what an affair really is, but you know what dying is? Get down! The adults did wrong, so why should you die? You have to live tenaciously. I’m going to do that too.>
<……. >
<Promise me. That you’ll do that.>
<Why should I?>
<I don’t know! Just do it for me. You said you wanted me not to forget you. If you jump from here now, I’ll forget you. Should I forget? Should I let myself forget? If you don’t listen, I really will.>
As Sewan looked down at Sagyeong with a completely unwilling expression, Sagyeong, who had used his strength to pull the child down, tumbled together on the cold ground.
<Ugh!>
<Ah! Ugh……. >
Thud. Sagyeong hit the back of his head on the ground but still didn’t loosen the tension in his hands embracing Sewan until the end. Rather, he gripped the clothes even tighter and made every effort to prevent the child from getting away from him.
Eventually, he freed one hand and forcibly intertwined his pinky finger with Sewan’s. When the child tried to pull away by twisting his wrist, he wrapped it even more firmly and made clear eye contact. The moment their gazes collided, resentment and relief were reflected at once in Sewan’s eyes, which had been soaked with distant fear.
<Why are you saving me? I know you hate me.>
<Why would I hate you? You’re pitiful.>
<But you kept telling me not to come see you.>
<That’s…… because it’s not comfortable to see you. But I’ve never hated you. You’re…… pitiful.>
He repeated the same words. His tone was earnest, as if that was his true feeling.
<I understand your desire to die. But if you die, I, who’s still alive, will be embarrassed.>
<……. >
<So hurry up. Promise me. I’m dying of anxiety.>
Sagyeong held out his pinky finger right in front of him again. Then Sewan, who had been collapsed on top of him, watched this quietly and eventually, plop, fell onto the dry body.
He had never leaned on someone like this of his own volition, but the form was as natural as if it had been this way from the beginning. However, just as when they stood side by side, the overlapping bodies were still longer on Sagyeong’s side.
Perhaps thinking that Sewan had given in to his stubbornness, Sagyeong, who had been lying spread-eagled, comfortably embraced the child. Since it seemed okay to do so, Sewan did the same to Sagyeong.
He had clearly run around various places inside the library looking for him. As if proving this, a faint smell of sweat that hadn’t been there before came from Sagyeong’s Adam’s apple. Surprisingly, when it reached Sewan’s nose, it was more fragrant than any fresh scent.
No matter how much he hid, they always managed to find and torment him, but this was the first time in his life someone had chased after him so urgently to save him.
<You won’t forget me now, right?>
<Of course……. >
<Really.>
<I said so.>
<Liar.>
<Have you lived being deceived your whole life? Gi Sewan, I’m the same as you. We’re a kind of community of shared fate.>
<Fate?>
<So…… it means I know that you must be very sad right now. Actually, I am too.>
Sagyeong, who had been squeezing out words from his head to persuade the child, calmly caught his breath and added.
<After you become an adult. It’s not too late to decide then. Don’t you have a reason to live? Really, not even one…… I’m looking for that right now, and I hope you do too. At least until you find something, I’ll absolutely never forget you. I promise.>
A reason to live. Such grand words were still too much for Sewan to understand. But he could feel what it meant. It seemed to mean finding something so important in life that you couldn’t abandon it enough to endure without dying. If you became an adult and still didn’t have that, then from that point on, deciding between life and death would be entirely your own choice.
The voice persuading the child was calm but powerful. Sewan vaguely thought that not only his face but also his voice was too beautiful. In that moment, an underlying desire to hear more of it surged up, and he chewed on it earnestly. If he said he wanted to set that as one of his reasons to live, would this person say he understood that too?
The child, who had been blankly straddling Sagyeong, gently asked while leaning his chin as if pressing it into his chest. The tears that had moistly wetted the area around his clear eyes had already almost dried.
<Then can I come visit sometimes from now on?>
<That won’t do. Stop coming now.>
<Why……. >
<What good does it do for us to grow attached? We’ll only have bad thoughts about each other. Anyway, you have to keep your promise. I’ll check later. When you’ve become an adult.>
Dejected, Sewan slowly leaned his forehead against his Adam’s apple again. The protruding Adam’s apple bone that the child didn’t have yet clumsily touched the smooth skin. As Sewan, who had been taking in Sagyeong’s voice in his ears like a lullaby, trembled slightly, Sagyeong, who had hugged his thin back tightly as if to comfort him, let out a low sigh.
<Ha, you fool. Don’t die…… I’m living too.>
Sewan, who had been swallowing Sagyeong’s words—to think hard about whether there really wasn’t even one reason to live—down his throat as if breaking them down word by word, closed his eyes tightly with an exhausted air. His swaying pupils gradually became shadowed as if shaded, then disappeared beneath his eyelids.
