# Chapter 60
Arden was good at finding stars in the sky. Arden said he didn’t like the sky here because it was hazy and stars weren’t visible, but I liked it.
Arden’s eyes resembled the sky here. Perhaps that’s why Arden didn’t like himself much either. He always told me how pretty my eyes and hair were, but he was reluctant whenever I said his eyes were beautiful.
I wanted to trace the curve of his slightly upturned eye corners with my finger. The shadows beneath his eyes gave him an even sharper appearance. Like a watercolor painting with the first coat of gray paint, his impression was both murky and mysterious.
Looking at that detached face, which seemed to have no lingering attachment or desire for this world, made me anxious, as if he might suddenly disappear one day. Though his face appeared impassive, as if feeling no emotion, it was a face that made viewers feel sadness and melancholy. If one were to personify a beautifully crafted tragedy, it would be like Arden.
But I loved most the moment when small cracks appeared on that static face. Though he was someone with very little change in expression, when I called his name with a smile, he would smile back.
Arden’s job was to dismantle and reassemble machines amid the regular sounds of meshing gears and the intermittent bursts of white steam. There was no emotion in Arden’s eyes as he looked at the machines. He showed neither affection nor pride for his profession.
“Arden.”
As if it had always been so, gentle eyes turned toward me. It was a very small, subtle smile, but even that was enough to make my heart swell. That’s why I called Arden’s name repeatedly, being a nuisance.
I couldn’t remember when Arden first started appearing in my dreams. It was certain that it had been a long time and happened frequently.
At first, it was just his eyes. All I did was caress Arden’s eye corners with my fingers. In the next dream too, I rubbed Arden’s eyes. The difference was that Arden exhaled hot breaths while his eyes turned red, and in my dream, I didn’t stop there.
I kissed Arden’s reddened eyes. Even though it was just my lips touching his skin, my body heated up as if I had swallowed flames. I wanted more contact. I wanted to rub my lips against every part of Arden, to devour him.
If I did that, I’d feel much better than now. This unresolved heat and thirst would be quenched. My hands trembled anxiously. Arden held my shaking hands firmly. He led my hands to his cheek and rubbed his face against my palm.
‘Rite…’
Arden wants me too. Because Arden loves me. I removed my lips from his eye corners and placed them on his soft cheeks, then on the elegantly protruding tip of his nose. Finally, just as I was about to press my lips against his pale lips, I woke up from my sleep.
“…Damn it.”
Without even having to lift the blanket, I could feel the blood that had rushed below. If it was going to happen, it should have gone all the way. It was both absurd and frustrating that I had turned like this just from kissing various parts of his face, not even his lips. I sat up, pushed away the blanket, and stared at it for a while. Of course, it wouldn’t subside by doing that. Though it was my first experience, I knew how to resolve it.
‘A man’s genitals experience erection and ejaculation.’
‘If you stimulate it more there, you ejaculate…’
Arden had taught me when I was young. It was an explanation so difficult to understand that I couldn’t even recall it, but I roughly remembered the essence. Arden didn’t teach me how to solve it alone, but I knew instinctively.
“Haa…”
Thinking back, it was a rigid and dull lesson, but just recalling that voice and face made my body heat up.
The slight furrowing between his brows when concentrating. The tip of his finger pointing at the paper. His voice, seemingly indifferent yet articulate. I put my fingers in my mouth while recalling a face I could draw with my eyes closed. I nibbled my fingers gently and wrapped my tongue around the slender shaft.
As I sucked my own fingers, I imagined the texture of even slimmer fingers. If I put Arden’s right middle finger in my mouth, there would be a callus protruding slightly from the diagonal above the nail. I moved my tongue to find the same spot, remembering that, but I couldn’t feel anything. A sigh of disappointment escaped me.
‘To me, you are a significant other.’
That was the peak of pleasure. My body trembled at the pleasure I felt for the first time.
It was exactly as Arden had taught. It felt incredible.
If Arden touched me, it would feel even better. Just thinking about it made my blood rush again. That insatiable thing grew larger while spilling traces of pleasure. The heat made my head dizzy. Black scales had already sprouted on my wrist, traces of lost reason. They wriggled as if alive.
I want to tear them all off. With this appearance, I couldn’t get closer to Arden. I felt my teeth becoming sharp. The sharp teeth tore the flesh of my finger. Even as a monster, red blood flowed. I took small comfort in that fact as I licked my finger. A fishy scent vibrated.
* * *
There are days when what I thought was certain wobbles precariously. It was like that when I got my own room for the first time and Arden chased me out of his room, and as time passed, such incidents became more frequent.
This time, it was the lukewarm cup in my hand. One might say it’s just a cup, but within the peaceful and cozy cabin, it belonged to very significant matters. In the small world Arden had cultivated, nothing happened except for very subtle tremors. The only elements adding urgency to this event were the sweet smell of orange jam and the savory aroma of milk. In this strangely stable place, only I was anxious and incomplete.
“What?”
“It’s not warm.”
“It takes time to heat milk. Just drink it.”
“…There’s also not enough jam. Put in more.”
Sometimes when I quietly watched Arden concentrating, he looked like a person from another dimension, detached from me. It seemed like he might leave for his own world at any time. That’s why I became anxious whenever Arden went outside the house. Even though I knew he would return, it felt like he wouldn’t. The anxiety grew as Arden’s return time became increasingly delayed.
“Then you do it.”
All my desires could only be resolved by Arden, and all my deficiencies were caused by Arden. I became incapable when Arden refused. I became anxious. But it didn’t matter as long as Arden remained mine.
I repeated that thought over and over.
Because he was the person who shared all my moments beside me. Because he was my Arden that no one could take away.
While hoping this stability wouldn’t break, I sometimes felt stifled. The irrational desire to shout and break everything frequently popped into my head.
* * *
I hated being alone. Beyond dislike, I was afraid. Even the moment when the second hand of the clock moved once seemed slow.
In this slowly passing time, I imagined all sorts of things. How was Arden’s expression this morning? He seemed more taciturn than usual. Was it just my mood? Was what I said last night a mistake? I tried not to say things that Arden might dislike.
It was difficult to guess where the line was that wouldn’t frighten Arden. I was afraid of Arden’s reaction upon return to blindly step forward.
‘From now on, don’t enter my room. Neither during the day, nor at night.’
Just thinking about it again made my insides boil. With my face buried in my palms, I repeatedly took deep breaths in and out.
Not satisfied with just separating the rooms, I was also forbidden from approaching. It was my mistake. I shouldn’t have pushed Arden, who was dull in these matters and timid. I had never imagined a situation where Arden would reject my affection, so I didn’t anticipate it.
I raised my head and looked out the window. I wished Arden would appear in that white forest soon.
Although I was merely a being that tied down and restrained Arden, Jack continuously called Arden out of the forest. Since I couldn’t leave here, I couldn’t help but be anxious about Arden leaving the cabin.
Arden, bound by the name of traitor, was just a free person when beside me. Arden’s cage was wider than mine. He didn’t stay only in my cage. In the end, he returned to my cage, but no one knew how long that would last.
“How could you do that?!”
Having read many books meant that I could imagine the worst possibilities. I recalled the protagonist who shouted, trembling with betrayal. All tragedies were like that. They begin with the most trusted person betraying and the most certain method failing.
“Arden likes me. Arden…”
Arden likes me. That sentence was also a clear truth. I am the only person in this world that Arden cares about. I knew that fact well. However, I couldn’t be certain if it had the same meaning as the sentence ‘I like Arden.’ That’s why I couldn’t say I was completely satisfied with that sentence.
Couples and caregivers. Arden said that caregivers and children have a closer relationship, but I couldn’t be satisfied with that relationship. Significant other, precious person. I found myself pathetic for how my heart had fluttered all day, bewitched by such sweet words in my childhood.
“Idiot. Why get excited about something like that?”
I buried my face in my palms again and closed my eyes. A relationship accompanied by sexual feelings, a relationship that evokes peculiar emotions in the other person. That’s what I wanted with Arden.
Arden wasn’t skilled at teaching. He never once said that he disliked me doing this. If he had just said he disliked it once, I would have disappeared into the forest, but Arden’s reasoning was all about common sense and morality created by people.
Does a monster need to abide by human common sense?
Along with these thoughts, only bite marks increased on my fingers.
* * *
The more often I went down to the village, the more my fear disappeared and my boldness increased. Rather than worrying about being caught, I was more preoccupied with immediately suppressing my anxiety. While following Arden, I met unfamiliar faces with familiar eyes.
“…Rite?”
It was Ea, who now looked much younger than me, and Cal, who still stood by her side.
I had previously let a witness live. I let the witness live that day. Different kinds of anxieties blossomed from that day.
* * *
I learned a deep blue sadness from Arden.
“You know, Rite.”
‘But why are you leaving? When you like it so much here.’
“It was the first time for me. Having someone stand up for me like that.”
‘It’s strange. If you really love someone, you shouldn’t leave. To me, it seems like you don’t actually love that much.’
How much more must I hate my past self? How much more of an unworthy person must I become to my younger self? Could that foolish child understand that I had to leave because I loved too much?
“It was the first time someone took my side like that. It felt… really good.”
“…”
“So I want you to know that joy too, Rite.”
Arden didn’t know. That I was a monster who lived solely for that joy. I couldn’t possibly forget the unconditional affection and support I had received since I was young.
“Just as you take my side without any reason. Remember that I am on your side too.”
Arden likes me. I like Arden. Just as humans try to hide monsters out of love for them, monsters had to leave for the sake of the humans they loved. I hoped that Arden would never bow his head because of me again.
A monster and a human cannot be the same. No matter how much I insist, that fact doesn’t change.
When I was young, I thought I might be a cursed prince from a fairy tale. There was a time when I hoped to be the protagonist of a beautiful story who would become human upon finding true love.
When I was even younger, I also thought about wanting to be a hero who vanquishes monsters.
“…Not knowing that I was that monster.”
I imagined the ending of my story. Do I die? Do I disappear? Or do I remain a monster forever, never dying? Waiting to meet my end at the hands of a brave little child?
Whatever it is, if I could meet Arden again…
I closed the door. The only thing in my hand was an old mobile.
