# Chapter 57
I tried to return to my daily routine, but things weren’t the same as before. There was no one to prepare breakfast for me, no one to welcome me home. Sometimes I would space out and end up breaking dishes.
I still thought about Rite often. Even though my body kept busy as I started taking requests from the villagers, my mind couldn’t empty itself. Whenever I faced people who could never have accepted Rite, an indescribable feeling washed over me.
It wasn’t anger. It was something much quieter and colder. Then suddenly, I remembered the expression Rite had used: “deep blue sadness.” I still didn’t know what kind of sadness that was, but since I kept thinking of Rite at every turn, trying to find any correlation was pointless.
It felt like I had become a robot. I was never one to easily reveal my feelings to others, but these days I wondered if I’d lost the ability to make any expressions at all. After weathering the storm of emotions for so long, I was too worn down to raise my defenses.
It didn’t take long to realize those worries were unnecessary. When I went to the storage shed to check the remaining firewood, I had to spend a long time calming my emotions. There was a pile of firewood stacked high.
If I hadn’t stacked it myself, there was only one person who could have. We’d been together for so long, but there hadn’t been much time to chop wood. It must have been when I was sick, or before he left home.
I hoped it was the latter. If he had prepared it thinking of me, who feels the cold more than him, then he must be planning to return before all this firewood runs out.
* * *
The fact that I wasn’t a robot was soon proven too. It meant I couldn’t resist my curiosity as I climbed the ladder to the tree house. I had briefly looked inside on the day Rite left, but I was too distraught to see anything properly. So everything I was taking in now was new to me.
The interior of the tree house seemed generally messy at first glance, but upon closer inspection, there was a certain order to it. Most of it was books. The pile on one side was all novels, the other side encyclopedias, and next to them were Rite’s notebooks and diaries, along with three or four thick blankets.
I wrapped all the blankets around myself and examined the walls. Traces of Rite were everywhere on them. The scribbles on the wall all seemed to be from childhood, with crooked handwriting. I traced each one with my fingertips.
The drawings of friends he used to play with were detailed enough that I could distinguish who was who. Each person was drawn with their unique characteristics, and Cal was among them. Though drawn far away from himself, it was clear Rite had put effort into drawing Cal too.
There was Pini, and also stars in the night sky. Next to drawings of orange jam and oranges, there was a note saying he wanted to see a real orange. There were also traces of illustrations of the four seasons, with summer drawn with the most care. “Summer Forest.” I caressed the neatly written letters for a long time.
The thing he had drawn the most was me. There was a side profile of me looking at something, and also my back view. How did he draw me without even looking at me? It was fascinating to see myself through Rite’s eyes. And in one corner of the wall, there was a drawing covered completely in black. What had he drawn and then covered up? I crouched down in front of it to examine it.
There weren’t many colors used before covering it with black. Black, gray, and purple. Interestingly, these were the colors typically used for me and Rite.
Giving up on figuring out what the drawing was, I opened Rite’s notebook. It contained designs for carvings and knitting patterns. Some of them had actually been made and were in our home, while others were patterns I’d never seen before. Among them was a black rose. I fingered the pendant around my neck as I read the notes written there.
*If it’s too big, Arden won’t wear it*
*Smooth with no rough parts*
*Black paint*
*Should have seen a real rose…*
I felt bad despite knowing there was nothing I could do. I was sorry that I had never shown Rite a real rose or orange. It wasn’t even a grand wish to see the whole world, or even a desire to see the ocean. The things he was curious about were just these small fragments of summer.
I couldn’t bring myself to look at the diary. I had to bury myself in the blankets for a long while to gather my emotions.
* * *
After I started taking requests, Markus no longer came to the cabin, but Jack still knocked on the door.
I should get this sorted out. As soon as I thought this, my body moved. I approached the front door and opened it to find Jack, frozen with a surprised look on his face.
“Uh…”
“It’s been a while.”
“Yes, it has been a while, Arden.”
After exchanging formal greetings, an awkward silence fell between us. It wasn’t that we had nothing to talk about. Rather, there was so much to say that it was difficult to start. After a moment of silent deliberation, I shifted slightly to step aside.
“Come in.”
Jack blinked blankly as if he’d heard something unbelievable. That was understandable, since I had never willingly invited anyone into my cabin before.
“If I had known, I would have brought something. This is my first time coming into your home, and I don’t even have a gift…”
“No, it’s fine. I’ve already received enough.”
I meant it. He had spent time with me according to my wishes, and I had received food ingredients too. Plus, I even got a birthday present, yet I had given him nothing in return.
Jack entered with a tense expression. His eyes carefully surveyed the interior.
“Sit on that sofa over there. I’ll bring something to drink.”
“Thank you.”
Jack smiled faintly and headed for the sofa. As soon as I entered the kitchen and opened the cupboard, I faced a dilemma. I had never entertained guests, so I wasn’t prepared.
Neither Rite nor I particularly enjoyed tea. I couldn’t serve alcohol either. But…
My gaze fell on the jar of jam that was still more than half full. Rite and I used to drink milk with jam instead of tea, but I wasn’t sure if I should give that to Jack.
The jam was a gift from Pini and something Rite and I shared, but somehow it felt strongly like it belonged to Rite. If it weren’t for Rite, Pini wouldn’t have brought it, and I wouldn’t particularly seek out such a drink.
‘I don’t like Jack.’
Would it be okay to give Jack something that belonged to Rite?
I spent a long time holding the cupboard handle, staring at the jam jar.
“I’m sorry. There’s nothing in the house.”
“That’s alright. Warm water is enough.”
Jack smiled brightly as he took the cup. What I had brought out was just water that I had heated up. Every time he visited, I had either coldly turned him away or simply ignored him, and now all I could offer was water. I felt uncomfortable. Unlike me, Jack showed no signs of feeling slighted.
Studying Jack’s expression, I pondered when to speak up. If he had come all this way, he must have something to say, but I thought I should speak first. After hearing what I had to say, whatever Jack planned to say might become unnecessary. If I didn’t want to look foolish, I should speak first.
“I’d like you to stop coming to the cabin.”
Only after I said it did I realize my mistake, but it was too late. I had no talent for words, nor any remarkable social skills. But I knew I didn’t need to be so direct about my intentions.
I glanced at Jack’s face. He wasn’t looking at me. He was gripping the cup tightly, staring at the surface of the water.
“Of course, I am grateful. You’ve been kind and accommodated me in many ways.”
“…”
“I know you came all this way because you were worried about me.”
“…”
“But… I don’t think I’ll have time to spend with anyone except for work for a while.”
I tried my best to speak gently, but I don’t know how it sounded to him. Jack still gave no answer or reaction. Only the knuckles of his hand gripping the cup handle grew increasingly pale.
“Arden.”
“Yes.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about this.”
Jack’s voice was similar to his usual tone. It didn’t tremble, nor did it convey any displeasure. Jack was definitely a mature person.
“The time you need to be alone… it’s because of that friend who was at your house, isn’t it?”
“…”
“You’re having a hard time because of that… and then the villagers came with all sorts of strange talk, which upset you, right?”
Jack hadn’t been among the villagers that day, but he seemed to know about the incident already. Well, such a significant event rarely occurred in Winterishe. The rumors must have spread quickly.
“I understand. That’s why you want to be alone.”
Jack’s assumption was partly right and partly wrong. The reason I needed time with Jack was indeed because of Rite, but the rest was incorrect.
Every reason was because of Rite. I felt unhappy because Rite had left home, and I didn’t have the confidence to smile and converse with people who couldn’t accept Rite. I didn’t want to be alone, but I wasn’t looking for just anyone to be by my side. I could understand the villagers’ position, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t feel upset. I knew it was selfish and immature.
“I’m not asking for much. Sometimes just having someone beside you can give you strength. Won’t you let me try to be that person for you?”
The reason I couldn’t immediately answer was because Jack’s voice was trembling. Jack, who always faced people with a smile, was crumbling.
“…I’m sorry.”
I felt nothing but regret toward Jack. I had been so busy dealing with my own situation that I hadn’t deeply considered the hurt others might receive. But I didn’t feel like comforting him gently. In this relationship, I was indeed the villain, and I needed to clean things up properly even now.
Holding onto him any longer would be cruel to Jack.
