# Chapter 55
In the middle of the day after sunrise and past lunchtime, villagers came to the cabin. The rain was still ongoing. Just thinking about where Rite might have gone in this rain was horrifying, yet I had to deal with these people.
Even though I was filled with the thought that I needed to find my child, I had to convince the people that Rite had left long ago. I had to tell them that Rite had departed already and that I hadn’t seen him since he was 11 years old. The lies weren’t that difficult. I didn’t have the luxury to care about morals.
“That can’t be! I, I definitely saw him yesterday…”
“…I don’t know what you think you saw. Nobody came here yesterday…”
“You’re lying!”
Markus quickly stepped in to block Gaebe who was trying to rush at me. Gaebe’s face flushed red and blue at Markus’s intervention, but he didn’t push any further. People began to whisper behind Markus’s back. Most of them were glancing at Gaebe.
“I’m sorry, Arden. There must be some misunderstanding…”
“No!”
Just as Markus was trying to settle the situation, Cal abruptly spoke up. Ea was next to Cal. Cal was glaring at me with a solemn look like a warrior.
“I saw Rite too.”
“Cal! What are you saying?”
As soon as Cal opened his mouth, Ea intervened loudly, almost simultaneously. Cal wrinkled his face in irritation and glared at Ea too.
“You need to stop. How long are you going to take that guy’s side?”
“I’m not taking sides. I’m saying this because you’re talking nonsense.”
“If you’re so sure he’s not here, we could just search the house.”
“…”
“Isn’t that right?”
Cal looked at me with a crooked smile. It was clear provocation. Normally, this would be childish spite I wouldn’t even notice, but my fists clenched involuntarily. Even though Rite’s disappearance wasn’t Cal’s fault, I wanted to blame someone.
If I were to be precise, it was mostly my fault. If it had come to this, I should have been the one to…Gaebe…
My gaze fixed on Gaebe. He was standing behind Markus, glaring at me.
“Arden.”
Markus carefully called my name and put his hand on my shoulder. I wished these people would leave soon. I removed Markus’s hand and stepped back from the entrance.
“Go ahead. Look.”
“…”
“If you need to confirm no one’s here before you leave.”
At my words, Markus smiled awkwardly and turned his head back. After Markus gestured to the people, he entered the house first. The others followed him into the cabin. Only Cal, Ea, and Gaebe remained outside.
The people weren’t curious about my condition or what emotions I might be feeling. Even after searching the entire house, they repeatedly asked if he had really left.
Markus looked at me with pity after seeing Rite’s room, which still had children’s toys in it.
I shuddered at such behavior. Since being exiled here, I hadn’t expected anything from people because I didn’t want to be disappointed, but I didn’t know why I was so angry now. They just had their own perspective. They were just trying to find a way to survive. It was right to thoroughly investigate an individual who posed a threat to the collective. Yet the emotion I was feeling was definitely disappointment.
After the people left, even though I knew it was suspicious behavior, I headed to the village wondering if Rite might have gone to the station. The station attendant said he hadn’t seen any strangers or tall men among today’s arrivals. Even after confirming this, I couldn’t believe it and sent a letter to Pini.
Instead of replying, Pini came directly to the cabin.
Rite hasn’t come here.
Has Rite disappeared, Arden?
At those words, I collapsed and cried for a long time. Pini’s rigid body held and comforted me. I felt even more sorrowful in that cold, hard embrace. Yet I found comfort even in that cold piece of metal.
* * *
Before Pini came to the house, I had been wandering through the forest continuously. I searched for Rite, going wherever my feet took me. When Pini found out about this, she tried to dissuade me.
“Arden. This isn’t a good method at all.”
“But Rite is there…”
“Even if Rite is in the forest, it’s not at all efficient for you to go in.”
Pini stood blocking the front door with her arms spread wide. Even when I pushed her to move aside, she didn’t budge.
“You and Rite are different. Rite has experience returning safely after hunting monsters in the forest twice.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because Arden told me.”
I did? Did I say that? I just blinked, unable to remember. I hadn’t been myself lately.
“Rather than putting yourself in danger by entering the forest, it’s better to wait for Rite at home. Besides, we’re not even sure if Rite is in the forest.”
“If not there, he has nowhere else to go.”
“That’s just your assumption.”
“Who would know better than me?”
“Arden. I didn’t want to say this, but… did you anticipate that Rite would leave?”
With those words, I had to surrender. I thought I knew everything about Rite. It was all my arrogance.
Pini immediately apologized and watched my reaction. Plin was truly an amazing person. I realized for the first time that day that Pini could be so considerate of human emotions.
Perhaps I just hadn’t been interested. My self-confidence kept decreasing.
* * *
Pini stayed at the cabin for quite a while. I knew she was worried about me, but I couldn’t keep her here forever. Pini had things to do.
‘That house has been empty for too long. It must be covered in dust.’
With those words, Pini left the cabin, promising to write often. After Pini left too, I was alone for the first time in a long while.
The only time I had lived alone was from when I was exiled and started living in the cabin until I met Rite. It was both the same and different. Now I didn’t have confidence to be alone.
Rite’s scent was gradually fading. Despite living together for 8 years, the embedded scent disappeared quickly. The cold wind of the Winter Forest mercilessly stole away Rite’s scent. It seemed like eventually, Rite’s scent would completely disappear.
I was so afraid of that, I couldn’t easily open the door to Rite’s room. I was also afraid to see the lonely room that had lost its owner.
This is my home. A home where I’ve lived for over 10 years. Without the familiar scent, it felt like I was somewhere else.
That made me sad. Wanting to go home, but the place I’m at is already my home.
Then where should I go?
* * *
The fact that I was the only living being in this house. It’s a given, but sometimes that fact feels sad and scary. At those times, I would think of Rite. Another living being who lived here. Though I’m always thinking about him anyway, so maybe there’s no real correlation.
When I first discovered Rite. I thought about when he was a small baby, placed in a small basket in the forest. I also thought about the tiny lips that would bite and suck on my finger with all his might, and the two small front teeth that had just barely emerged. I didn’t need to recall those – they were still in the house. Looking at the small teeth in a transparent case, time would pass quickly. For me, who couldn’t control time, this was a welcome thing.
Sometimes I thought about why Rite left.
At first, I blamed the villagers.
But what if it wasn’t their fault? What if he left because he was disappointed in me, because he no longer liked me, because he found this place stifling? The more time I spent alone in this confined space, the more my thoughts multiplied.
Did Rite feel this way during the times I was away from home? When I thought about that, I couldn’t move a single finger. It felt like something heavy was pressing down on me. It was completely different from the comforting pressure that gave me stability. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was submerged alone in deep water. I couldn’t feel any sensation.
* * *
Through all of this, the rain continued. I blankly stared at the stove, thinking about Rite. Would it be raining where Rite was too? I sat in the rocking chair where Rite often sat, imagining his view.
My thoughts naturally turned to the utopia Rite had spoken of. The Summer Forest. Hot, with no snow, and a dazzling forest.
Maybe Rite went to find the Summer Forest? If so, had Rite found that forest? A place not as cold as here and where one wouldn’t get sick anymore. If that’s the case, should I not look for Rite?
The ultimate goal of parenting is independence. It was a phrase I had read in a book. I knew it. I too had become independent from Plin, and perhaps that day had come for Rite as well. But the reason my chest felt tight and I felt as tormented as if I’d entered a blazing furnace was probably because this independence wasn’t voluntary.
It was an unexpected independence for both Rite and me. I vaguely knew it would happen someday, but I didn’t expect it to happen so suddenly, without my knowledge.
Thinking that way sometimes made me resent Rite. How could he disappear without a word? Knowing I would worry. If Rite knew I was thinking only of him and worrying like this, would he be happy, would he be pleased that it was what he wanted?
Knock knock knock
I bolted upright at the sound of knocking. Could it be that Rite had returned? The hope didn’t swell for long before it deflated. If it were Rite, he would have opened the door without knocking.
Why are you so gloomy?
It was something I heard often. Even at times like this, I couldn’t maintain positive thoughts for long. I didn’t open the door right away, but slightly lifted the curtain to check outside. As expected, it was Markus. He was knocking on the door with a frown, then sighed and looked up at the sky.
I closed the curtain and moved back to the rocking chair. The knocking continued a few more times, but I ignored it, pretending not to hear. I didn’t have the confidence to be alone, but I didn’t want to meet anyone either.
“…This is ridiculous.”
Even I thought it was a funny thought. But I couldn’t laugh.
It felt like it had been quite a long time since I had spoken.
