# Chapter 39
I headed to Jack’s shop carrying a fully loaded basket. The entire way there, my mind was busy writing and rewriting a script of what to say.
What I needed to say was to confirm Jack’s feelings, clarify my position, and apologize. I prepared two different responses for each of Jack’s possible reactions, checking if I’d forgotten anything or if my words would sound awkward or difficult to understand. Before I knew it, I was standing at my destination.
“Haaah…”
After taking a deep breath, I opened the door and entered the shop. Fortunately, I saw Jack and one customer. I had avoided the situation where Jack’s father would be there instead. I discarded all of scenario B’s script and approached Jack, who looked somewhat surprised.
“Bad luck coming your way.”
When I made eye contact with the customer, he grimaced and muttered. Before I could respond, the man brushed past my shoulder and left the shop. There was a faint smell of alcohol. It was that man. The one who had put his hand on young Rite’s head.
“…What was that man’s name again?”
“Huh? Oh… Mr. Gaebe?”
“He has quite a fiery temper, doesn’t he?” Jack added with an awkward smile. I couldn’t smile. The man’s hostility seemed to be growing day by day.
“Please understand, Arden. After his wife left, his personality became even more… difficult to approach.”
“His wife?”
“Yes. She left in the middle of the night without Gaebe knowing. It happened when I was young. Quite a while ago.”
“She was an outsider. I think she went back to her hometown,” Jack added with sympathetic eyes.
“Anyway, Arden, what brings you here?”
Jack seemed to be in a good mood. He looked excited. Thinking that his mood would soon worsen because of our conversation made me feel sorry, but I proceeded with my planned words.
“Jack. How do you feel about me?”
“Pardon?”
“Do you like me?”
“What?”
The second response was much louder. Jack’s green eyes wavered frantically. Since it seemed he wouldn’t answer no matter how long I waited, I added further explanation.
“I mean, do you like me as a romantic interest, not just as a person.”
“W-what are you…”
Jack raised his hand to cover his gaping mouth. The part of his cheek visible above his palm turned red, and his eyes still darted about busily. This non-verbal response was enough without needing a verbal answer.
“I’ve been somewhat aware of your feelings. I have no interest in you, but I’ve been taking advantage of your kindness because I need to spend time with you. I can’t promise that spending time together will make me feel the same way you do. I know it’s rude. I apologize…”
“Wait a moment. You came all the way here to tell me that?”
Just as I was about to state my position and then apologize, Jack interrupted me.
“Yes.”
“So… you knew all along?”
I nodded. Jack stared into space for a moment, lost in thought. He seemed to have trouble understanding the situation.
“Is it… Are you trying to forget an unrequited love? Or an ex-lover? If not those, then… loneliness?”
“No, none of those.”
Jack was silent for a moment. His eyes stared at me as if waiting for something, but I couldn’t explain any further. I couldn’t tell him that to break my child’s abnormal attachment, I needed to show that I could form a bond with someone else—something I couldn’t even tell Rite.
In the end, it was Jack who spoke again.
“Whatever it is, it’s fine.”
“…”
“I don’t know what your circumstances are, but for me… this could be an opportunity.”
Jack said, rolling his eyes to avoid my gaze. After being lost in thought for a moment, his eyes returned to me.
“Anyway, you’re saying you need to spend time with me too, right? Correct?”
“…Yes, that’s the conclusion.”
Jack nodded slightly and smiled. The excitement from earlier had disappeared, but he didn’t seem to be in a bad mood either. Maybe I just hadn’t noticed it. Jack was quite modest, after all.
“And…”
Jack cautiously opened his mouth.
“You’re wearing the perfume.”
I thought the cold wind would have made the scent disappear completely. Apparently, some of it still remained. I nodded, and Jack smiled pleasantly.
“Well, since you’re here, would you like to have a cup of tea before you go?”
“Now? What about the shop?”
“It’s fine. There aren’t many customers at this hour anyway.”
“…”
“Of course, only if Arden wants to.”
I turned my head to look out the window. Despite it being daytime, the sky was gray. Winterishe’s sky was always cloudy. After confirming that sunset was still far away, I nodded. I was glad I had done my shopping beforehand.
* * *
Jack’s shop was divided by a partition wall, with the inside used as a home and the outside as the shop. I entered through the door inside the shop and sat on a single-person sofa in the living room, waiting for Jack. The house was small and worn, but it was evident that someone had spent a long time decorating it. It was a home filled with traces of people living in it. Sitting on the sofa, I scanned the interior with my eyes.
The Artalis map on the wall was covered with notes written in various colored pens and lines connecting different regions. Seeing a check mark next to Menden, the closest place to Winterishe, it seemed like he was marking places he wanted to visit and places he had been. Apart from Menden, there were no other checked locations.
On the shelf next to the map were a compass and a half-torn ticket, suggesting he had a strong interest in travel.
“Is tea okay? I got this as a gift, and I’m not sure what kind of tea it is… but it smells nice. They say it has a calming effect.”
“Anything is fine.”
Jack approached with a tray holding two teacups. He placed one in front of me, one on the opposite side, and then sat on the sofa across from me. As Jack said, the tea smelled nice. It was a flower tea with round white flowers floating in it.
“But how did you know?”
“Know what?”
“That I, well…”
Jack massaged his neck with his hand, avoiding my gaze. He blinked rapidly and sometimes stuck out his tongue to lick his lips. Though Jack didn’t answer, what he was asking became clear.
“It shows.”
Like right now. I only thought the last part without saying it out loud. Feeling the atmosphere becoming a bit awkward, I felt the need to change the subject.
“You seem to like traveling.”
I casually gestured toward the map on the wall, and Jack nodded with a smile.
“I do like it, but I’ve barely been anywhere.”
Jack covered the back of his neck with his palm and smiled slightly. My guess that he had only visited Menden became more likely. In times when making a living was difficult, traveling far was certainly a luxury.
“Where is Arden’s hometown?”
“Kamalon.”
“Ah, Kamalon. What’s it like there? I bet it’s much warmer and better to live in than here?”
“Well… it is warmer. As for being better to live in, I’m not sure what the criteria would be.”
The people there were brighter, and the flowers and buildings had more varied, colorful colors compared to here. Is that what people usually mean by “better to live in”? No matter where you go, the struggle to make a living was the same.
“I really want to visit Kamalon someday. I’ve heard that Kamalon during festival time is especially beautiful. The atmosphere is exciting too. Oh, do people really throw grapes at each other there?”
“They don’t throw them anytime. They collect grapes that can’t be sold because of poor appearance or other reasons, and only throw those during the festival.”
“Ah, of course I meant during the festival.”
Jack laughed out loud, finding it amusing.
“Arden-ssi must have seen a much broader and larger world than I have. I’m envious. And impressed. I even have trouble leaving Winterishe, but you’ve worked at the palace… Oh.”
Jack stopped mid-question, closed his mouth, and watched my reaction. Not knowing what was going on, I just blinked. After examining my expression, Jack eventually relaxed his slightly tense face.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing… I just thought talking about the past might be uncomfortable for you.”
“Ah.”
Such things didn’t bother me anymore. Traitor, exile. These were just thin veils covering a difficult past that was hard to bring up.
“It’s fine.”
Perhaps this person doesn’t like me, but rather admires my past. Thinking this way, Jack’s actions made a bit more sense. Though “traitor” and “admiration” weren’t words that fit together well, neither did “traitor” and “affection.”
“My dream is to travel the entire world before I die. I’m not sure if I can achieve it like this.”
“Even someone with plenty of money and time would find it difficult to travel the entire world.”
I looked at the map on the wall. Even the empire’s map, just a part of the world, was that extensive. The desire to travel the entire world was close to impossible.
“I suppose you’re right.”
“But you’re still young. You might not see everything, but you could see quite a lot.”
Jack must know this reality. So rather than being realistic, it was better to offer hopeful words. Jack smiled at my words.
It’s so easy to say nice things to others. The conversation with Rite yesterday came to mind, making my head throb. I brought the fragrant tea closer and inhaled its scent, but it didn’t provide much calming effect.
Maybe it’s because I’ve kept Rite too sheltered. If I had made him sleep independently at the appropriate time and taught him sternly what was not allowed, would it have been different? Would he have easily accepted reality then? Is that the Rite I want? Did I want to raise Rite to be someone who conforms to reality?
Just like me.
“What’s Arden’s dream?”
I didn’t have the same dream as Jack. To travel the entire world, explore unknown realms, achieve self-realization—those grand dreams. But I did have one. Neither grand nor brilliant, but still.
“My current wish is for nothing to change. From this current situation.”
Neither me nor everything around me. If things could just stay as they are, I would want for nothing. If there was one exception, it would be Rite. I wished for Rite to return to how he was before, not his current self. A peaceful state of stillness without any fluctuations. That was the life I desired.
