# Chapter 24
“But I’m selfish, so I don’t care if someone’s bad to others as long as they’re good to me. Remember that!”
“Got it.”
“And answer my messages properly! If you disappear again, I really won’t let you off!”
“I’ll engrave it deeply in my heart, Esper Jung Seah.”
“Hurry up and eat! You said you were hungry.”
“Yes, yes. I’m eating.”
Maybe it was because she was about to become an adult and graduate from the Esper training center, but Seah’s clear voice made me feel nothing but embarrassment. I thought I wanted to give her a happy future, doing my best since I had saved her with my own hands, but that was arrogance. Seah would walk on her own feet toward more distant, higher places. It was fortunate, if anything, and also bittersweet to think how quickly time had passed.
“By the way, when you two want to have a serious conversation, how about dining somewhere with a nice atmosphere? Not when I’m in front of my children’s tonkatsu.”
“Uncle Seungmin.”
“Yeees?”
“Just hurry up and eat.”
“Yes, Esper Jung Seah-nim.”
Laughter leaked out. Like a fool.
*
After finishing the meal and taking Seah back to the center, it was already past 4 o’clock.
On the way back to the headquarters annex. The surrounding air was dry, fitting for late autumn. Seungmin sniffled unnecessarily and spoke to Dohyuk.
“Ah, fried food doesn’t go down as well anymore. I can’t eat much.”
“You know you ate 8 servings of tonkatsu, right?”
“They were children’s portions.”
Looking at Seungmin with an exasperated gaze at his leisurely muttering, Dohyuk glanced at him with a calm stare. The afternoon sunlight, without any warmth, tinted Dohyuk’s pupils a pale color.
“Fine. As long as you enjoyed it.”
His fingers were busy repeatedly undoing and fastening the button at his nape.
Seungmin wondered how his friend, who hated feeling constricted to the point of not tolerating shirt collars, endured the choker-type Esper control device.
“Come to think of it, it’s unfair. Settling your 2.5 years of no contact with 8 portions of children’s tonkatsu is a dramatic discount, isn’t it? Thanks to our Seah, I even got the mighty Choi Dohyuk to bow down to me and made a career advancement.”
“Yes, yes. I’m sorry for all that time, Esper Park Seungmin-nim.”
As Dohyuk spoke, Seungmin, full of energy, shrugged his shoulders. Despite his triumphant appearance, Dohyuk only exhaled a quiet sigh, having committed his own sins, and slowly glanced sideways at Seungmin. It was a look that clearly showed he wanted to add one more thing since the topic had come up.
Seungmin seemed to have noticed properly and raised one eyebrow. Finally, while staring at Seungmin’s face that looked back as if asking ‘what,’ Dohyuk casually brought up the story he should have mentioned before.
“By the way. What have you been saying to people around you?”
“About what?”
Seungmin fiddled with the piercing in his earlobe. He’s pretending not to know. Dohyuk narrowed his eyes.
“I’m asking how you’ve been talking about Esper Lee Seoyeon’s incident. Are you keeping it confidential?”
As soon as the words dropped, Seungmin turned his head crookedly toward Dohyuk. After momentarily stopping his diligent steps, he stood with one leg bent and shot a piercing blue gaze at Dohyuk. The sarcasm of ‘who are you to worry about others’ was clearly revealed above his fierce gaze.
Seungmin’s hair, which had turned white after completely losing its color, scattered randomly in the wind.
“What good would it do for you to know?”
“Just leave the rumors alone. They’re false rumors anyway.”
Dohyuk’s indifferent voice touched Seungmin’s mood.
“What? False rumors? When rumors are being openly distorted, you’re not going to correct them? Do you know you’re being publicly treated as a murderer? Especially since you quietly followed the branch transfer order, the rumors got worse! Kwon Jihun also said harsh things to you because he believed those rumors. How could I just watch that? I knew there was something wrong with Esper Lee Seoyeon’s condition. Esper Lee Seoyeon was doing things to you…”
“Park Seungmin!”
When Dohyuk hastily shouted, Seungmin’s accusatory voice stopped.
“Have you ever told anyone about Esper Lee Seoyeon’s condition?”
At Dohyuk’s fierce questioning, Seungmin frowned.
“I’ve been keeping my mouth shut as you wished, so please don’t make me angry, Choi Dohyuk. The problem is that rumors are being distorted anyway. While you were at the branch, there was an uproar about you overreacting! I was already going crazy with frustration. Because of you, I really…”
“If we stay quiet, even distorted words will correct themselves. I told you before, right? Let’s just do as the higher-ups say.”
Even when urged to speak, Dohyuk wouldn’t listen, but now that he had finally brought up the subject first, Seungmin couldn’t have imagined that he would wish Dohyuk would close his mouth again. Every time he saw Dohyuk’s blind obedience to the headquarters’ orders, Seungmin felt his throat tightening, making it hard to breathe. As far as he knew, Dohyuk had no reason to be this way. Frankly, Dohyuk was an A-class who could terminate his contract with the headquarters and work as a mercenary right now if he didn’t want to stay.
An A-class with such high freedom that they sometimes receive better treatment than S-class.
“Correct themselves? If that seemed possible, it would have happened in the first place. Why on earth don’t you talk? Back then, I didn’t hear properly because I was protecting the Guides, but clearly Esper Lee Seoyeon…”
“Please, Seungmin. Let’s just leave Esper Lee Seoyeon alone. It doesn’t seem right to keep bringing up someone who’s already dead.”
“But it’s okay for you to be brought up while you’re alive? Oh, being alive is a fucking sin. A sin.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Don’t say that? Don’t say that?”
Seungmin sneered while gripping the end of Dohyuk’s words. Actually, Dohyuk didn’t have high expectations when he spoke, so he just cast his gaze elsewhere. Noticing Dohyuk’s attempt to close his mouth, Seungmin shot out words fiercely.
“Then what about your fallen reputation? And what’s the result of barking when told to bark and rolling over when told to roll over all this time? You got demoted? Honestly, isn’t it because the headquarters demoted you that false rumors spread even more severely!”
“It’s not a demotion but a reassignment. And the headquarters blocked the news articles.”
“Of course they should block articles. That’s basic care. Choi Dohyuk, I know you grew up in a headquarters-affiliated institution since you were young. But looking at your work now, you’ve more than repaid that debt! Why do you bow your head first whenever the association or headquarters says something? Looking at how headquarters treats you now…”
His accusatory voice falters. Even in the midst of his anger, Dohyuk noticed Seungmin choosing his words carefully for his sake and smiled, lifting only the corner of his mouth.
That’s why it doesn’t work. Because the more he does that, the more I expect. Because even for trivial things, I don’t want to settle and want to express my pain. Because the moment you have more to protect, greed emerges.
Life is contradictory at every moment. The more greed you have, the weaker you become.
“You mean I’m being treated like an organ to be discarded soon? I know that too. But it doesn’t matter. I’m not keeping my mouth shut out of loyalty to the headquarters.”
In truth, Dohyuk had always wanted his life to remain empty. One who gains nothing loses nothing as well. Without any greed, moderately, neither holding in his hand nor letting go. If he could just live like that, wouldn’t that also be happiness, if it is happiness? Fears would also disappear.
“Then why are you keeping quiet?”
“What’s the point of speaking when the reason my reputation has fallen is my fault.”
Dohyuk slowly closed and opened his eyes. It seemed as if something faint was overlapping through Seungmin’s voice.
‘You can do more, and you can save many people.’
The gentle voice was full of laughter. A tone that didn’t even try to hide how proud it was of him. Had Dohyuk also laughed at that voice? It’s been quite a while now, so the expression in his memory faded every time.
“I deliberately damaged Esper Lee Seoyeon’s corpse.”
At Dohyuk’s words, Seungmin lightly clenched and unclenched his fist. For a while, he just stared blankly at Dohyuk, choosing his words, and eventually just let out an ambiguous sigh. Finally, Seungmin raised his eyes. Having deliberately brought up such provocative talk, Dohyuk easily shrank back just from that look. But the words Seungmin spat out were quite different from what Dohyuk expected.
“…Hey! Don’t make that kind of expression!”
Seungmin, with an indignant face, finally grabbed Dohyuk by the collar.
“I understand that you have something from that incident that you want to bury. Fuck. I understand! But do you have to express it this way? Seah and I told you not to do this, but you just drew a line with me again? You fucking bastard, am I that untrustworthy?”
“It’s not that you’re untrustworthy, it’s that there’s no reason for you to waste emotions worrying about me. I’ve never once not been okay.”
In fact, he didn’t want to respond with such sharp edges. It was because he lacked eloquence. He wanted to comfort him, saying there was no need to worry at all even if it seemed like he was being robbed and extorted. In Dohyuk’s mind, it was unnecessary for others to worry and care about him.
Dohyuk was sturdy. There was no concern about breaking over trivial matters. But others were different. To Dohyuk’s eyes, they looked as fragile as soft peaches. If they were to reach out a helping hand, being considerate and worrying about him unnecessarily, and got crushed in the process, that would be more painful for Dohyuk.
“No reason to worry? Then live well enough so there’s no need to worry! Choi Dohyuk. Sometimes you look like you’re sick of yourself. If someone were to claim that your sacrifice is needed for the happiness of the majority, you’d be excited to jump in, wouldn’t you? Just thinking about trying to stop you already gives me a headache. You say you’re sorry to Jung Seah and me, but you don’t even properly know what you’re sorry for.”
