Just as he had been notified, Kwon Isoo must have also been informed that the schedule was set. What kind of reaction did Kwon Isoo show, he wondered?
Did he throw a fit? No, maybe he didn’t care at all. For Do Yeonjae, that would actually be better.
Hayun, who had been carefully observing Do Yeonjae’s complicated expression, cautiously spoke to him.
“I heard Kwon Isoo’s personality is a bit… difficult. Are you still close with him these days…? I don’t think I’ve heard you talk about him recently….”
It’s more than just difficult. Hayun was doing his best to soften his words in case Do Yeonjae was really close with Kwon Isoo.
Do Yeonjae stared quietly at the thoughtful Hayun. If he said, ‘Actually, Kwon Isoo and I are uncomfortable seeing each other’s faces,’ he would step up without hesitation and offer to film the challenge instead. Because hyung is kind.
The company couldn’t force him to do a schedule he didn’t want either. Do Yeonjae was now a 5-year veteran idol. That meant there were plenty of ways to avoid Kwon Isoo right now. Whether he faked being sick or whatever….
But would this really be the end of it? As long as they were in the same company, there would be countless opportunities to run into each other.
More than anything, Do Yeonjae didn’t want to dump his schedule on another member just because he didn’t feel like doing it. Unless he was really sick or had an urgent matter, it was unacceptable.
Do Yeonjae pulled up the corners of his mouth into a smile at Hayun, who was quietly waiting for his answer, as if to say not to worry.
“I’ll film it well and get over a million views.”
Then he thought of Kwon Isoo. The face he had briefly glimpsed after NEOS debuted…. Back then, it was just Kwon Isoo and Kang Ihyun, the leaders of each group, exchanging a few words as a courtesy.
Do Yeonjae held a small hope that perhaps the filming could end in a similar atmosphere to that time.
“We have to film the challenge quickly, go to the press interview, then head straight to the fan signing. It’s the second week of promotions, so let’s hang in there a bit longer.”
He wasn’t idle enough to get distracted by a schedule that would pass quickly.
It’s just filming a challenge for a moment. That’s all.
He leaned his head against the headrest and calmed his unsettled heart. Old thoughts came to mind after a long time.
* * *
Do Yeonjae, who had been with JG Entertainment since he was very young, was desperate to debut.
Whenever the trainee hyungs and noonas who doted on him appeared on TV, that longing grew deeper and deeper. Even though he handled a hamster-wheel-like schedule to the point of nausea every single day, whenever he was pushed out of the debut lineup because he was too young, the anxiety in his heart grew larger as well.
Just how much more do I have to do?
Do Yeonjae wanted to debut.
It was the first time in his short life that he desired something this much. He was naturally indifferent by nature—to the point where when his twin brother took all his toys as a child, he would just stare blankly and play clapping games by himself—he had no greed.
But he was greedy for the stage. He wanted to sing with all his might in front of many people. He wanted to be recognized for his music.
‘Yeonjae. Hyung is telling you this for your own good, but digging into singing alone won’t get you much merit. Don’t you know there’s no demand for power vocals these days?’
Even with the flippant provocations from clueless trainee hyungs, he steadily improved his skills.
They say miracles come to those who work hard. One day, an opportunity worth its weight in gold came to Do Yeonjae. It was a completely unexpected, sudden accident and opportunity.
One member of RAYEON, the boy group JG Entertainment was planning to launch, withdrew right before debut.
It was belatedly revealed that he was a serious perpetrator of school violence, to the point where a school violence committee had been convened. It was obvious that if they debuted as is, the entire group’s image would plummet to rock bottom.
The company executives made a cold-hearted decision. And they decided to put Do Yeonjae, who was 17 years old at the time, in the vacant main vocal position.
‘…That’s how it’s been decided. Starting tomorrow, Yeonjae will move to a different practice room….’
The company staff announced the fact in a dry, matter-of-fact manner in front of the gathered trainees and then left.
‘……’
For a moment, the practice room was wrapped in a subtle atmosphere. It made sense. A friend who had been laughing and crying together until yesterday, dreaming of a shared tomorrow, had suddenly been pulled far away overnight.
The person in question felt just as disconnected from reality. Do Yeonjae, who had suddenly been set to debut in a month, looked around with a dazed face.
Clap clap clap. Everyone applauding in congratulation wore different expressions. Someone who had turned into an adult this year couldn’t hide their jealousy and misery, someone else had eyes filled with deep envy. And yet another someone….
‘Don’t do it, Do Yeonjae.’
‘……’
‘Fuck, tell them you won’t do it.’
Got angry.
Do Yeonjae couldn’t say anything to his same-age friend who had suddenly grabbed his wrist and dragged him to the emergency exit.
‘Did you forget already? You said you’d debut with me.’
‘……Kwon Isoo.’
Kwon Isoo’s eyes blazed hot like fire. It was like a disaster that showed no signs of being extinguished no matter how much it poured out.
He clenched his teeth as if he already knew the answer that would come. Perhaps Kwon Isoo felt it too. That this was essentially just stubbornness. But even so, Do Yeonjae… didn’t not know why Kwon Isoo was so angry.
‘Do Yeonjae, because of you, I… because you coaxed me to hang in there together, I’ve endured until now even though it was shitty, you know? But fuck, now you’re going to bail on your own.’
‘……I’m sorry.’
‘You said you absolutely wanted to debut with me. You said if I made songs, you’d sing the guides and do everything for me.’
Yes, he had said those things. It was sincere without a shred of lies. Even if the beginning was a bit rough, at some point he had started sticking with Kwon Isoo day and night. Now even the other trainees thought of the two as a set. Everyone threw out half-serious jokes saying that the only person who could handle Kwon Isoo’s shitty personality was Do Yeonjae.
Do Yeonjae also felt disappointed and regretful about being separated from a close friend.
But all of that couldn’t overcome his long-held wish. He was exhausted from the long period of harsh training. He was sick of the seemingly endless hope torture. If he gave up now, it would be at least 3 years? No, would there even be another opportunity given to him after daring to refuse the company’s decision?
Do Yeonjae didn’t want to throw himself into uncertain possibilities anymore.
He bit his lip tight and silently endured Kwon Isoo’s anger for a long while. To Do Yeonjae, it sounded less like anger and more like despair. It was frustration and dejection. The voice that grew increasingly sunken poked sharply deep into his heart.
Perhaps that’s why he couldn’t lift his head.
Around that time, even before Kwon Isoo had finished growing tall, he was ridiculously strong. He stared quietly at the wrist firmly caught by him. It hurt, but when he thought it wasn’t unbearable, he heard a gasping sound above his head for a moment, then the grip loosened slightly.
And then a small voice rang out.
‘……Say you won’t do it. Yeonjae.’
Do Yeonjae raised his head in surprise. In Kwon Isoo’s eyes, emotions completely unsuited to him overflowed. Pleading, begging, imploring… such foolish, clinging things.
In that moment, Do Yeonjae realized.
Ah, Kwon Isoo really, truly.
Truly with me…….
His gaze, his drained face touched something inside. Unbelievably, Do Yeonjae wavered in that moment. An overwhelming surge of emotion rose up from his chest.
Don’t keep holding me like that. Do you think I’m not sad? Do you think I don’t want to debut with you? I also…….
‘Are you worried you won’t get to debut next time? Don’t worry, if you just say you don’t want to do it right now, I’ll somehow get the company to,’
‘Kwon Isoo.’
But at the words that followed, he felt like he’d been doused with cold water in an instant.
No matter how promising he was, Kwon Isoo was just a trainee. A mere trainee rebelling against major entertainment company executives? That was nonsense. It was impossible.
No, he was more anxious because it seemed like Kwon Isoo would actually do it.
‘Don’t.’
Do Yeonjae clenched his teeth. Kwon Isoo’s unrealistic words actually helped him come to his senses.
Kwon Isoo joined after the RAYEON debut lineup was formed. If he had entered even a little earlier, he probably would have gone to that practice room before Do Yeonjae.
He really was that amazing. The person who would become the center of the next group even if he just stayed still. Not someone who would belatedly squeeze into an already decided group like Do Yeonjae, but someone around whom a group would be built.
But if he protested over Do Yeonjae’s matter and something went wrong. If you ended up unable to debut because of that.
He was terrified of that slim possibility. Do Yeonjae gripped his hands until his skin turned pale white and said.
‘Don’t act like a child, Kwon Isoo…. I’m tired.’
I know. This isn’t betrayal or anything like that. The current conflict is also just a storm that will pass through this immature period when friendship seems like everything.
As time passes and he experiences a wider world, Kwon Isoo will come to understand his position too.
However, Do Yeonjae was… the Do Yeonjae in the moment Kwon Isoo was holding onto him was, certainly cruel.
‘I have no intention of missing this opportunity. I have no intention of letting you interfere either.’
He repeated such resolve. If he showed even a little gap, if he showed signs of wavering, the sharp Kwon Isoo would dig into that gap for sure. He would persistently expose his true feelings.
That couldn’t happen. It wouldn’t be good for either of them.
The years here had been long. No matter how much in the spotlight, he had seen too many trainees cast out by one wrong choice, one mistake.
His cold hands and feet seemed like instinct warning him. And so Do Yeonjae used all his strength to hide his expression. He overlaid an annoyed look on top of his erased face.
If affection completely faded, it would be easier to shake off lingering attachment too. It was the best plan the young and immature Do Yeonjae could think of. And so Do Yeonjae planted sharp thorns on his tongue.
‘The reason I persuaded you to hang in there was because the monthly evaluation was right around the corner back then. We had to perform as a team, but you were spacing out alone and it was troublesome.’
‘……’
‘And wanting to debut with you was just because you’re good, not to the extent that I’d endure that disgusting life for several more years giving up an opportunity worth its weight in gold. You know that, so why are you acting like this?’
In that moment, strength filled Kwon Isoo’s eyes completely. He glared at Do Yeonjae like he would kill him, yet couldn’t say anything. Calmly watching Kwon Isoo, who had stiffened completely, he coldly pulled out the hand caught by him. The gaze following the hand that fell away was somehow slow.
‘…So that was all it was. For you.’
Deliberately ignoring that the voice was trembling, Do Yeonjae completely ended it.
‘Yeah. That was all it was.’
‘……’
‘I want to debut. I’m going to do it. You know how desperate I was.’
So… please understand.
Do Yeonjae’s choice was natural. His parents who had been cheering him on, his friends around him all encouraged him saying it was the right decision.
He didn’t want to miss the opportunity given to him. In the entertainment industry where you have to give up your dream if you don’t fit the concept even after dropping out of high school and going all-in with your life, anyone who knew the harsh reality would never point fingers at Do Yeonjae.
It’s just that Kwon Isoo’s gaze from that time remained in his heart for a long, long time as if burned.
‘Yeah. That dream of debuting you were so desperate for, congratulations on achieving it first, you fucking bastard.’
‘……’
‘But Do Yeonjae, it’s so fucking shitty, so don’t ever expect to be treated as a sunbae by me. Got it?’
……That gaze that seemed hurt.
