***
I spoke. In front of many people, what I wanted to say, without stammering, everything.
‘I did it!’
I closed my eyes tightly and was immersed in joy. I felt proud thinking that I’d fulfilled my role regardless of my low rank as C-rank.
It was a first, and my first achievement. I didn’t even need anyone’s recognition. The rampaging reporter no longer questioned further, and Do Ganghyun’s wavelength had entered the stable zone. Just the fact that it didn’t lead to a major accident proved my usefulness.
However, intoxicated by emotion, I forgot one thing. The fact that I’d been continuously holding Do Ganghyun’s hand for guiding.
“Ah…”
Because I was so excited, as strength entered my hands, I felt another person’s knuckles and skin that I hadn’t been conscious of through my fingers.
Flinch.
I was startled and snapped my eyes open. Between the aimlessly shaking vision, I saw his hand that I’d been holding for guiding. With not a single gap existing.
“S-sorry…”
“There are still many eyes watching.”
As I hurriedly tried to pull my hand away, Do Ganghyun actually wrapped his hand around mine firmly.
Certainly, the reporters were still in their seats, glancing this way. It was a gaze like hyenas looking for prey, searching for anything more to scavenge.
‘So he only holds it at times like this.’
For guiding or to show someone, only when my necessity is proven.
I relaxed the strength in my hand with a bitter smile.
Why would he do this performative act when he pushed me away because he didn’t want to be seen with me by that someone?
‘Pathetic.’
And why can’t I properly reject even something like this?
Ridiculously, even in this situation, the thought that dominated my mind was ‘How many guides has he touched with these hands?’ That fact was too embarrassing.
‘At least I didn’t have to worry about this before…’
The reason it was okay no matter how much Do Ganghyun rejected me was that at least his rejection applied fairly to everyone.
However, that day when I went to meet him at the gate without prior consultation, after the accident where I was thrown far away by his ability, Do Ganghyun changed as if he’d been waiting. He mingled with many people so that our relationship wouldn’t be exposed even by mistake, and he didn’t avoid situations where he suffered side effects because of it. It was as if he was desperate to let everyone know that others and I were no different at all.
In the end, only after coming this far could I acknowledge that fact. However, I couldn’t help my head naturally bowing. Even though no one could see inside my head, it felt as if everything had been laid bare.
After sitting still for a while like that, perhaps thinking this was enough, Do Ganghyun stood up from his seat. With my hand held, I also awkwardly rose to my feet following him.
From the podium to the building lobby, from the lobby to outside the building, until reaching the sidewalk located on the boulevard after completely leaving the building, everything passed in an instant.
‘I’m dizzy.’
When I was starting to think I was dizzy from the rapidly changing vision, Do Ganghyun suddenly stopped walking. Since I hadn’t prepared for it, I bumped my head squarely into his back with a dull sound.
“Ah…!”
“Where are you letting your mind wander?”
“I’m sorry.”
I reflexively grabbed my face. Unlike at the interview venue, our clasped hands came apart easily. I’d thought they were firmly held, but not at all.
And at that fact, bitterness rose before the pain in my face from the collision.
‘Even after seeing that sight this morning, I still can’t let go.’
Even after witnessing proof that the numerous rumors surrounding Do Ganghyun about rolling around with other guides were true.
As I explained earlier, I knew the fact that he played around with other guides. An SS-rank esper’s movements always received much attention and were appropriate for creating countless rumors.
Since it reached even my ears, which were practically ostracized, I expected it wasn’t an absurd rumor. After all, he showed precursor symptoms of rampage as a side effect, and the spark flew to innocent me with a salary cut—how could it not be true?
However, I had too little mental leeway to examine the truth of the rumors.
Added to that, Do Ganghyun’s past record of having a private life so clean it was close to fastidious also played a part. I couldn’t help but think, would such a person really cause trouble while even suffering guiding side effects? So I judged that I couldn’t be certain at least until we had a conversation.
But didn’t I confirm the most definite proof this morning?
‘Now, really this time, I should give up…’
Four years. Long if it’s long, short if it’s short.
I should fold away the feelings I won’t get back and maintain only a business relationship that just provides guiding. Esper Do Ganghyun insisted on this too. It’s not like there aren’t desolate relationships like ours even as pairs.
However, I wondered when I could empty my heart that I couldn’t empty even after seeing him stuck with another guide this morning.
“Don’t wander around outside unnecessarily and go in. And if you’re going to come to the lodging from now on, contact me in advance. Don’t barge in suddenly like today.”
Still, I had to. In the not-too-distant future.
***
Contrary to my resolution, the frequency of guiding Do Ganghyun after the interview doubled from usual. Although the interview was the signal for his return, strangely enough, Do Ganghyun began obediently receiving guiding according to the Center’s demands. It was a completely different course of action from how he’d fiercely rejected me until before.
‘Is it because of the gate strategies?’
Gate strategies had been steadily conducted before too, but recently the schedule had been particularly packed. Since guiding depletion symptoms would have exceeded the level that could be endured simply by willpower, it was right to receive guiding.
However…
‘If you contact me in advance, I’ll be waiting at the lodging.’
Despite saying that, Do Ganghyun never looked for me at the lodging. Thanks to that, even though I could guard my grandmother’s hospital room every night without difficulty, something felt off.
He pathologically hated scheduling guiding appointments in broad daylight when there were many people’s eyes, through the exclusive guiding room at that, and formally leaving a guiding record. I couldn’t understand the reason he suddenly changed his attitude while accepting all of that, so I was worried. The secretive meetings of the past 8 months had also started that way.
Moreover, there was one more problem.
‘It’s burdensome.’
These official meetings for guiding themselves were a great burden to me. Even though it wasn’t like before when we’d spend the night laughing together, nor was it him coldly pushing me away while pressing me with sharp words, every hour of guiding quietly in silence was an ordeal. I needed to empty my feelings for Do Ganghyun, but this silence felt like I was receiving a piece of his sincerity toward me, which made it particularly so.
The guiding time was even getting longer day by day.
Do Ganghyun always returned home with his wavelength in a mess, and guiding efficiency was repeatedly dropping, as if it was difficult to guide him with simple contact—that is, only with first-level guiding—rather than mucous membrane guiding.
The day before yesterday, it took a full 3 hours to return his wavelength level to 60%.
‘How long will it take today…’
I sighed and hastened my steps. Do Ganghyun’s exclusive guiding room as an SS-rank esper was located next to the research lab, the most private place in the Center befitting that name, and naturally, it was far from the communal guiding room. I had to hurry not to be late.
Just like when entering and leaving the communal guiding room, when I scanned my ID card, I saw the exclusive guiding room door open and a record being created. I belatedly scanned the recent history written in small letters and hurried inside.
I was alone in the guiding room. Occasionally when gate strategies ended early, there were cases where he’d be there first, so I’d been tense, but this was fortunate.
Shaaaa…
I stood in the middle of the guiding room and slowly released my wavelength. I felt the guiding that stretched out refreshingly from my heart along my blood vessels gradually filling the room.
I could tell even without seeing it. It had always been like that. It was like an instinct felt throughout my whole body—what form the wavelength was taking, what emotions of the esper and guide it represented, whether they had favorable feelings toward me or were threatening, and so on.
A sense that was difficult to explain but definitely existed.
It didn’t take long to realize I was more sensitive to wavelengths than others. Nor that revealing this would not be very good for me.
‘It’s an ability without usefulness or certainty in the first place.’
Above all, being merely sensitive to wavelengths couldn’t be of much help. After all, my ability is C-rank.
In the past, I used to read his mood quite well by watching Do Ganghyun’s wavelength, but thinking of the sincerity he showed when I was thrown away by his ability, it was hard to define what the love we shared every night was. I could only judge that my ability was so poor that errors occurred in interpretation.
As my mind became disturbed, the wavelength shook unstably. However, the wavelength that had already filled the room maintained its form without greatly deviating even amid the shaking. As the room filled with wavelength like this, a comfortable laugh came out as if I’d entered my own space.
‘With this level of radiation guiding, it won’t take long to guide like last time.’
I was roughly estimating the time when it happened. The sound of the door lock being released was heard, and not long after, Do Ganghyun revealed himself. He paused for a moment before entering the room, then immediately composed his expression and entered.
