Young Hyungoh thought that adults’ circumstances were like tangled balls of thread, so twisted that he would never be able to understand them no matter how much time passed.
The origin of this thought lay entirely with his mother. Hyungoh loved his mother, but simultaneously hated her too.
Until he entered elementary school, his mother was always by Hyungoh’s side. When he returned home from kindergarten, his mother would naturally be waiting, and she always welcomed him warmly.
Hyungoh enjoyed playing with his mother. She was as curious as a child. She would stare intently at flowers planted in the backyard and suddenly set them on fire, or sprinkle water on a cat that had been mauled to death by stray dogs until it was soaking wet, or even hold Hyungoh out of a second-floor window, barely gripping his waist, and ask how he felt.
For Hyungoh, such games were simply fascinating and fun experiences. Once, his father caught them playing, and with an extremely angry face, he yelled at his mother and eventually begged tearfully. Don’t do this. Didn’t you promise to live normally?
Afterward, they continued playing in secret from his father. Hyungoh and his mother felt sorry for his father who didn’t know the joy of these games.
His father loved his mother. He feared she might disappear despite being right beside him and missed her terribly even when separated for a short time. He was a tender-hearted person.
In silent peace, Hyungoh turned eight and entered elementary school. That was also the beginning of when he had to stop playing with his mother.
There were more days when his mother didn’t come home. When he asked his father why, he said she was resuming her previous work.
According to him, his mother had once been an unknown actress. He said that although no one knew it, only he recognized her beauty, and he hoped her work would be completed soon.
Taking advantage of his mother’s absence, his father taught Hyungoh various subjects. Ironically, Hyungoh had to learn the alphabet and mathematical symbols before learning Korean characters. This was because some forgotten tutor had flattered his father, saying Hyungoh had linguistic talent and could grasp ten things after being taught just one.
Mathematics was similar. From the beginning, his father wanted Hyungoh to have a talent for mathematics. Perhaps he wanted Hyungoh to follow a path similar to his own in the future. Though it was a path he himself had chosen due to his family’s semi-forceful demands.
His father was a very simple person. He absolutely hated loneliness. With his mother gone, he wanted Hyungoh to fill that emptiness.
All his affection poured onto Hyungoh. At every opportunity, he would kiss him, hug him, and whisper ticklish words. Hyungoh simply enjoyed it. Being loved was always good.
However, Hyungoh missed playing with his mother. Of course, his father wouldn’t join in such games. As a substitute, he tried to enjoy those games with his school friends. As luck would have it, there was a dead mouse in the gym storage room, so he put it in a goldfish bowl. Red blood oozed from the mouse’s mouth.
Hyungoh thought the mouse corpse swaying slowly with the waves was beautiful. Red mist covering a transparent world. A crimson rose blooming slowly.
Mom should have seen this too!
With an excited heart, he showed the fish bowl to his classmates, but contrary to his expectations, they were busy screaming. Some even wept loudly, tears streaming down their faces for some sad reason.
Hyungoh couldn’t help but be bewildered. He thought everyone would enjoy it. Just like he had. As things escalated with all the children in the class having fits, the fish bowl incident eventually reached his father’s ears through the teacher.
His father asked why he had done it. Recalling how his father had been so angry with his mother before, Hyungoh burst into tears. He knew he wouldn’t be understood anyway.
But his father embraced Hyungoh tenderly. Once again, something contrary to expectations had occurred. Don’t cry, his father said.
It’s enough that you’ve realized your behavior was strange.
Hyungoh was happy. Father didn’t scold me. He understood me. He loves me.
He felt closer to his father than before. He followed him more obediently than before. The same was true when his mother, who had been absent for a long time, returned. As soon as she opened the gate, his father rushed out barefoot to greet her. Hyungoh, also happy, followed behind him.
His mother, neatly dressed, somehow looked tired. She looked at Hyungoh beyond his father, who was hugging her. Her eyes gradually brightened.
Hyungoh, would you like to play with me?
She woke Hyungoh up late at night, speaking with an excited voice. But Hyungoh firmly shook his head.
I won’t do that anymore.
She was silent for a moment. Hyungoh wanted to see her face, but it was hidden in darkness.
Why? she asked.
Dad doesn’t like it when I do weird things.
At Hyungoh’s answer, she closed her mouth again. Then she laughed. He couldn’t tell what meaning was contained in that laugh.
The next day, his mother disappeared. Without leaving a farewell. His father resented her for this. He sat on the sofa muttering that she was selfish and cruel, then soon shed tears. When Hyungoh approached and patted him, his father clung to him.
Hyungoh pitied his father. Despite Hyungoh giving him attention, he wasn’t satisfied. When he crouched down in depression holding onto Hyungoh, his large frame couldn’t have looked smaller.
As he began to pity his father, resentment toward his mother grew. She could have cared for father just a little. He misses her so much.
Time passed precariously. Before long, his mother had become a world-renowned actress. She began to gain attention after her film won awards abroad.
His father looked anxious. Every time he turned on the television, it was buzzing with news about her. A proud actress. Her acting that shocked the world. The first Korean to win Best Actress at the Cannes Film Festival. Who is she?
Hyungoh thought his father would be happy. Hadn’t he been praising her beauty and waiting for her work to come out?
One day, his father brought a handful of papers. They were posters of films featuring his mother and newspapers with articles about her. Curious, Hyungoh approached his father and peeked at the poster.
Jet black bobbed hair and eyes full of hatred, a single word written behind her naked back,
‘angel’
Hyungoh found such a photo of his mother unfamiliar. No, he wondered if it was really his mother. It was a photo that felt alien yet strangely attractive.
My Maria, my angel.
His father murmured emptily. The newspaper he brought had a scandal about a male actor who had starred in the same film as his mother, prominently displayed.
In-fi-del-i-ty. Hyungoh read the emphasized letters carefully. His father, who had been staring into space, turned his gaze to Hyungoh.
She abandoned me.
For several days after that, his father lived as if in a daze. Hyungoh was worried about him. Every night, he would mutter while looking at his mother’s photos. Angel, my beautiful angel.
You have me.
Hyungoh approached him. As always, he patted him affectionately. I’ll do better. Don’t cry.
It hurt to see him suffering. Poor father. Why doesn’t father receive mother’s love? Hyungoh glared at his mother smiling in the newspaper. He hated her. Being happy all by herself. It’s unfair.
His father hugged Hyungoh so tightly he could crush him. His hands touched Hyungoh’s shoulder blades. His clouded eyes were staring at Hyungoh’s profile as if to devour it.
