Hyungoh curled up as tightly as possible on the bed. Even with the blanket pulled over his head, the cool air still lingered around him.
How does it feel to know everything? He asked himself, but no suitable answer came to mind. Confused? Sad? Or perhaps relieved? He couldn’t pinpoint it with a single word.
His emotions, packed so tightly that no gaps were visible, paradoxically ended in emptiness. Though he was tormented by the revived sensation of stabbing his father with a knife, resentful of his hands that failed to properly hold onto his mother, and regretful of the past where he wasted time struggling to escape those memories, ultimately all that floated at the end was a futile conclusion of “so what?”
‘So what, nothing changes anyway.’
He had long abandoned wondering what might have happened if things had been different. It only left lingering attachments without providing any help.
Hyungoh relaxed his entire body. He felt so limp that he seemed about to melt into the bed. He even thought that he wouldn’t mind disappearing by melting away like this.
Wouldn’t that be better? Hyungoh gently closed his eyes as if about to drift into sleep. He wasn’t pitying or sympathizing with himself. Rather, he felt disgust—he hated himself so much that he had strange thoughts like ‘why did I have to be Choi Hyungoh?’
Coward.
That’s what his mother had said. A coward who denies himself and performs according to others’ tastes. She had noticed it all along—how hypocritical her son was.
Hyungoh.
Now that he had recovered his memories, her voice was even more distinct. Hyungoh hugged his blanket, deliberately ignoring the lingering image of her.
BOOM.
That’s when it happened. The building began to shake with a massive explosion. The lamp beside the bed shattered into pieces, startling Hyungoh into sitting up abruptly.
He thought it might be an earthquake, but the vibrations gradually subsided, and above all, there had been an explosion sound. Pulling back the curtains to look outside, he saw passing cars and people standing still, staring at the adjacent building.
“Everyone evacuate!”
Someone shouted in the hallway. He covered his nose from the smoke entering through the open window. Though it had merely grazed the tip of his nose, it was so harsh and toxic that it brought tears to his eyes.
Following others outside the hotel, he saw the upper floors of the neighboring building ablaze. Even worse, the center was deeply hollowed out in a huge circle as if hit by a bomb, scattering debris.
“My goodness, a bomb went off.”
“A terrorist attack?”
“Has anyone called the police?”
“How could this happen…”
People murmured in confusion. As voices urging to report the incident grew louder, sirens began to wail from not too far away.
Gazes filled with fear were everywhere. People were anxious and terrified that a crime had occurred so close to them. These were perfectly normal reactions.
Hyungoh placed his hand on his chest. His heartbeat was steady as usual, without even the slightest tremor. He wasn’t particularly anxious or frightened. The calmness of his own demeanor displeased him to the point of making him uncomfortable.
Hyungoh!
Suddenly, Hyungoh recalled Maria’s bright smile. What would his mother have done? At least she wouldn’t have spent her days mired in self-hatred and lethargy like him. She might have even found his different reaction from others interesting in this moment.
If it were my mother…
The siren sounds grew closer. Lost in thought, Hyungoh soon changed direction and walked down the street. Behind the cars that had stopped due to the explosion, some impatient drivers were honking their horns. As the sirens and honking competed with each other, growing louder and louder, his steps quickened.
After passing through the busy area, Hyungoh instinctively sought out an empty street and ran. The thumping heart making its presence known was so welcome that he absolutely refused to stop, even as his breath rose to his throat.
I promise you.
Running with all his might, Hyungoh gradually slowed down at the sight before him. Whether by fate’s mischief or whatever, a shoddily built bridge was precariously placed over a river with fierce currents. As if construction had been halted midway, reinforcing bars jutted out here and there from the edges where the cement coating was incomplete, making it look even more threatening.
He crossed the entrance with warning signs without hesitation. Cement fragments crackled beneath his feet as he walked.
May your end be even more beautiful.
Hyungoh sat on the railing, recalling his final moment with Maria. The river, making a thunderous noise like a waterfall, stirred up a harsh wind as if pulling him in.
Beautiful? As if.
He leaned his upper body backward, sneering. He wasn’t sunk in pessimistic contemplation wanting to commit suicide or fall out of anger. Even if he did fall, he probably wouldn’t feel particular regret or remorse.
It wasn’t for any grand reason—he just wanted to imitate his mother. Since childhood, he had enjoyed imitating whatever she did. Perhaps he missed those days. Those stupid days when he knew nothing.
“…”
Hyungoh sighed at the warm touch on his arms. It wasn’t particularly surprising anymore. How remarkably well you find me, east or west. Hyungoh said impassively.
“Let go.”
“…”
“I said let go.”
This time, forced to open his eyes as hands grabbed his waist.
“…Michael.”
The pale yellow hair tickled his cheek. Hyungoh rested his chin on Michael’s broad shoulder and continued.
“Why go to such lengths?”
I don’t understand. He asked in a languid voice, as if about to fall asleep. Michael carefully backed away to meet Hyungoh’s eyes. His reddened eyes looked so delicate they could trigger protective instincts, but to Hyungoh, they were merely irritating.
“Don’t make that expression. You don’t have the right.”
“Choi.”
“I don’t like you, Michael.”
I really don’t like you. Hyungoh cupped Michael’s cheeks.
“Why did you call me back? Our ill-fated connection could have ended 11 years ago.”
“…”
“If only you hadn’t searched for me, I would never have recovered my memories.”
“Choi… Don’t do this.”
“I could have lived and died without knowing anything, foolishly…”
“CHOI!”
Michael restrained Hyungoh with rough hands to calm him down, as he shouted with veins popping out in his excitement.
“I don’t know anymore either.”
“Let me go!”
“No matter how much I dream, I can’t see an answer.”
Please help me, Choi. Michael grabbed both of Hyungoh’s hands and pleaded earnestly.
Hyungoh’s face hardened at the tear that fell on the back of his hand. His body trembled as if electrocuted.
Hyungoh contorted his face as if about to cry along. It was an expression filled with fear rather than sadness.
I feel so sorry for myself.
The final image of his father came to mind spontaneously. The sight of him wailing for himself, lost in self-pity.
“N-No…!”
Hyungoh pushed Michael away with all his might. The sharp kitchen knife that had somehow appeared in his hand looked like it might stab Michael.
Michael, caught off guard by the unexpected attack, hurriedly reached out, but Hyungoh fell backward with no chance to resist and took a deep breath.
Ah, I really didn’t intend to fall. Hyungoh tried to reach out to Michael but soon gave up. The distance was impossibly far.
How empty. He exhaled completely as the cold current engulfed him. The pain of not being able to breathe was worse than the injuries from his body being tossed around, hitting rocks and branches.
His mind grew hazy. Just as his instinctive struggle to survive was fading, massive bubbles formed nearby. Forcing his closing eyes to stay open, he stared at something emerging through the bubbles.
Michael.
Michael, who approached quickly, held Hyungoh tightly. He applied more force to his arms, as if determined not to let go, blocking all obstacles attacking them in the rough currents.
Even in that chaotic moment, Hyungoh realized that Michael’s eyes were fixed on him.
So why go to such lengths…
His eyelids were heavy. Seeing Michael’s eyes fixed on him until the moment he lost consciousness, for the first time, he felt an emotion he couldn’t define.
