Grasping at my fading reason, I quickly looked around.
I couldn’t, I couldn’t breathe properly. With the sensation of being dragged down into a deep pit, I could only flail desperately. Because my hands were bound tightly, only my upper body twisted frantically. Only the thought that I had to escape this place filled my head completely.
‘I have to go back.’
But my body is already dead. Even if I want to go back, is there even a body to return to?
Just then, I happened to lock eyes with myself reflected in the rearview mirror.
Right there was the Jang Woohyun I knew.
“Ugh…, uaaaah!”
I screamed sharply and shook my head. The Jang Woohyun in the mirror was bleeding profusely with a pallid face like a corpse.
His left forehead was caved in with white bone showing, and his face had skin scraped off roughly as if ground against asphalt…
“Ahhh! Ahhhhh…!”
I screamed continuously and cried out. Extreme terror overwhelmed my entire body.
Though it was a horrific sight, that was definitely me.
Perhaps it was Jang Woohyun who had left the house that day to throw Haesu’s book in the trash, heard the loud horn, and floated up into the air.
Between my fading consciousness, only Baek Sahyun’s low voice repeated like an echo.
Nam Heejae. Nam Heejae. Nam Heejae…
“Nam Heejae!”
At the loud shout, I exhaled my blocked breath and quickly raised my face. Huh…? Someone was covering my eyes with a warm, large palm.
Strangely, the warmth I felt around my eyes calmed my agitation. When my shoulders trembled, solid arms pulled me into a strong embrace. In that firm embrace, I became speechless.
“Breathe.”
Baek Sahyun was…
“What are you doing getting shocked just because a ghost saw an illusion?”
Baek Sahyun was hugging me.
“Other ghosts will laugh themselves to death.”
“…What does ‘laugh themselves to death’ mean?”
“What I do every time I see you.”
Unbelievably, he was comforting me. Into his chest, so wide and cozy that I didn’t want to admit it. Baek Sahyun, who had me lean completely against him, slowly stroked my back.
It was an affectionate hand movement, as if soothing a young child who couldn’t sleep from nightmares.
Had anyone ever held me like this before?
No matter how hard I thought about it, there hadn’t been anyone since elementary school. Worried I might start feeling grateful to a lunatic like Baek Sahyun, I hurriedly said anything.
“…Am I really alive right now?”
When I opened my mouth and asked in a cracked voice, Baek Sahyun answered simply.
“Yeah.”
“…Really?”
“Yeah. If you don’t want to be alive, should I kill you?”
“No, fuck! Don’t say scary things!”
“Looking at you now, it seems you can’t speak without cursing, Nam Heejae. Your problem is that your mouth is too filthy.”
“You’re just a problem and just filthy, dude…”
“Mm…, no? I’m not filthy. Only you’re filthy.”
I was so dumbfounded that I lost all energy. It seemed like only my poor mouth would hurt if I argued back. After some time passed, when I requested that he remove the hand covering my eyes since I was okay now, Baek Sahyun pulled away from me without hesitation.
If I said there wasn’t even a bit of regret, damn it. That would definitely be a lie.
Since I had no experience of anyone hugging me this tightly after becoming an adult, I unconsciously stared at Baek Sahyun’s solid shoulders. Baek Sahyun, quick-witted, seemed to feel my gaze toward him and warned me. Crookedness hung in his eyes.
“If your mouth is filthy and you act like your body is filthy too, it’s not fun. Got it?”
Pricked by my own conscience, I quickly muttered.
“What bullshit are you talking now, crazy bastard…”
“You keep looking at me like you want me to keep hugging you.”
“……”
“Not here. Stop appealing.”
“Are you writing a novel by yourself? What did I appeal for?”
“You looked up at me whimpering like a puppy in the rain. For the record, I hate people who make excuses.”
Anyone would think I’d cried and begged him to please hug me just once more, making a scene. Feeling both astounded and frustrated, I was just sighing when Baek Sahyun curved his eyes freshly.
Objectively, it was a quite decent exterior, but perhaps because his insides were so black, he didn’t look as pretty as he had at first. Then, Baek Sahyun leaned his face close to me and said:
“Don’t be disappointed, Nam Heejae. We’re planning to do the rest at the villa.”
“……”
“So no matter how heated your body gets, endure it for now.”
At his nonsense spoken in a gentle tone, my brain just stopped from shock.
What, what are we doing at the villa? Questions I wanted to ask came to mind, but I gave up entirely, thinking I might hear the worst answer.
Gulp. Instead, I moistened my throat with saliva and pretended not to hear, casually looking only outside the window. Though he was the one who gave me friendly advice saying he hated people who made excuses, I still couldn’t honestly ask what act we’d be doing at the villa.
What else would the protagonist of a gay novel be thinking about when recalling a spacious villa? I didn’t want to hear it even if I died.
“……”
Fortunately, throughout the drive on the long highway, Baek Sahyun maintained silence without babbling outrageous things like before. Thanks to that, I could organize my thoughts to some extent.
Whether I liked it or not, I was in the predicament of having fallen into a trashy BL novel. The Jang Woohyun who had passed by like a fantasy just before seemed to be telling me. Since the original you died when your time was up, carve out a new life there.
But still. To make this body my foundation…, I didn’t even know where the real Nam Heejae had disappeared to. I didn’t want to intervene in his life without the body owner’s permission.
Though in truth, I seemed to have already intervened here and there. It might actually be easier to choose the corners where I hadn’t intervened.
As the navigation announcement sounded, I gathered a bit of courage. I said casually:
“You know.”
Perhaps I just wanted to confide Jang Woohyun’s life to anyone at all. After calming my heart that had already started pounding wildly at whatever this was, I slowly began:
“I died in a car accident at twenty-nine.”
It was my own way of giving an answer to Baek Sahyun, who always cornered me saying I was possessed by a ghost. But Baek Sahyun just deflected as if uninterested.
“Get some sleep, Heejae-ya. I’ll wake you when we arrive.”
“Just where are we even going? You should at least tell me that.”
“Keeping the destination a secret makes for a more satisfying trip. Just sleep.”
When before didn’t you say you wouldn’t let me be if I slept? Anyway, there was no way to keep up with this bastard’s changes in stance. He changed the rules as he pleased, and now I just wished he’d at least have some consistency.
Ignoring Baek Sahyun, I spoke as I pleased.
“Dead in an accident at twenty-nine, so, mmm. You could say I died young when I was five years older than you.”
“……”
“So from now on, call me hyung-nim. If you have any conscience at all, you should at least do that, right?”
Since he had assaulted, deceived, and mocked me recklessly, I thought he’d at least obediently put ‘hyung’ on his lips. But Baek Sahyun snorted and shattered the sentimental atmosphere.
“How can I believe that?”
He pressed in gently.
“You, Nam Heejae, might be scheming because you want to hear me call you hyung.”
Just how twisted must someone’s nature be to nitpick at a story someone started seriously like that? Who would be rattling off a confession about dying in a car accident just to hear someone call them hyung once?
“Think whatever the fuck you want, you bastard.”
The moment I showed my irritation, feeling frustrated too, Baek Sahyun stretched out one hand and covered the back of my hand. I couldn’t help but flinch at the fingers that interlaced in a zigzag.
Flustered for one minute by the sudden skinship, I tried to scold him asking what embarrassing thing guys were doing with each other, but it had no effect at all. Baek Sahyun rather grumbled like a sulking child.
“I’m saying this several times but your speech is rough. Try to reduce your cursing as much as possible. If you’re four years older than me, why is your way of speaking like that?”
“Dude, didn’t you just say you couldn’t believe me because I might be scheming?”
“I’m saying your logic is that contradictory. If you’re going to claim you’re older, shouldn’t you at least show a plausible appearance fitting your age?”
“I’m done, I’m done talking…”
When I knocked my forehead against the cool window in agony, Baek Sahyun whistled lightly. A trip where only he was excited. I decided to think about how I could turn this crisis into an opportunity and overcome this predicament.
First, how about skillfully appeasing Baek Sahyun while watching for a chance to escape? Well, if I got caught doing that, I’d get properly beaten up though.
“Heejae-ya.”
While I was groaning, Baek Sahyun announced the start of a long vacation.
“Relax your expression. It looks like you’re going to a funeral, not on a trip.”
