Bernard kept thinking that sweat was stickily seeping into his hands. He couldn’t even remember how he had shaken hands with that man. He could hear Elliot teasing him from the side, saying he had a funny face, but he couldn’t even respond.
The best he could do was mechanically nod or shake his head at the words he heard. He didn’t even perceive what words were being exchanged. He just fumbled through the thought that the two people sitting in the front seat of the car looked very happy, and that only he was being swept along without being able to mix into this situation.
“Bernard. Is something wrong? Are you feeling unwell?”
When Bernard got out of the car, Elliot’s face, which approached stealthily and whispered, was filled with worry. Bernard forced a smile and shook his head.
“No… I’m just surprised that it’s Mr. Hurt…”
His fingertips trembled. Shoving his hands into his pockets lest anyone notice, Bernard tried to stay calm. His throat kept drying up so much that he worried whether his voice sounded terrible right now.
“I thought you’d like him… Is that not the case?”
He was silent at the words that followed. His stomach churned. It was because the green eyes staring intently had become unbearably burdensome in an inexplicable way.
“…Where did you meet him, Elliot?”
Normally, at this point, words of congratulations or “as expected of Elliot” should have followed. At Bernard’s somewhat anxious-sounding question, Elliot was puzzled. However, Elliot didn’t wonder for long and just smiled brightly.
“He said he was looking for me.”
Bernard’s steps gradually slowed.
“He said he was curious about me… that he wanted to know more about what kind of person I am.”
Bernard’s steps stopped abruptly. The distance from the chattering Elliot grew. Bernard looked at his brother with a pale expression. Brilliant blond hair fluttered softly under the sunlight. Rubens opening the restaurant door and Elliot standing by his side were truly a well-matched pair.
Watching Rubens bow his head and kiss Elliot’s ear, Bernard swallowed empty air. Those words about not being able to forget and searching everywhere. Perhaps…
“Mr. Weil?”
Rubens called Bernard with a voice containing the maximum warmth he could show to a stranger he didn’t know well. Bernard wanted to ask further. Where the two had “really” first met. What had happened and how he had come to want to see him. However, Bernard, who sensed the temperature difference between the gaze he directed at Elliot and the gaze at himself, swallowed a hollow laugh.
Perhaps… this was a natural result. Rubens thought the partner from that night was Elliot, and the words “it’s not the person you know” were abstract. Even if that night became the catalyst for searching for the other person, there was no doubt that Rubens had truly become interested in Elliot.
Even though it was a familiar experience, he felt as if he was occupying a page of a third-rate cheap magazine. Rubens, standing in front of the restaurant door, was still gripping the door handle. He had stepped aside and was waiting for Bernard to enter first. In the end, Bernard took a difficult step forward. He could smell a perfume he’d smelled before. That’s right. It was the perfume smell from when Elliot had come home completely drunk, and it was also the perfume smell he’d caught while rolling around on the bed with him at the hotel. His heart sank at the fact he’d only now realized.
Unlike at the graduation ceremony, Rubens dressed casually looked somewhat younger than his age. But Bernard knew that beyond that shirt lay a firm chest.
If only this place weren’t a gathering to introduce Elliot’s lover… Bernard might have been excited. It was a truly strange feeling. As if everything were a play with Elliot as the protagonist, it was an unreal sensation of floating.
The restaurant with a nice atmosphere made Bernard feel more intimidated. Elliot seemed fine. He kept looking at his lover, and Rubens also smiled while facing Elliot.
He watched silently as tableware was prepared and food was served. He smiled awkwardly at the introduction as a beloved brother, and when asked what he did, he answered that he was helping his father’s work… Very private and tedious conversation was exchanged.
Bernard cut a piece of steak while recalling how Rubens had kissed him.
How threateningly that thick tongue had stolen his breath. The moment he nearly burst into tears because the grip holding his chin was too strong, and the firm forearm that had embraced his waist.
“…So in the end, I came to accept this person’s romantic proposal.”
He couldn’t bear to look at Elliot recounting his tale with a happy face. Pretending to busily move his utensils, Bernard bowed his head.
Base emotions kept tickling Bernard’s insides. He wanted to confess about that night right away. He was afraid that if someone just touched him, he would pour out all the words inside. Cold sweat soaked his lower back and his head spun.
“He kept running away, which was troublesome.”
“He said he knew me. But I don’t even remember.”
“You must not remember because you were drunk, Elliot.”
Rubens smiled thinly. Exchanging plates of steak cut into bite-sized pieces, he carefully looked after Elliot. Bernard, knowing that gaze wasn’t directed at him, silently emptied a cup of water.
“At first, I thought he was a strange person.”
“If I had known you didn’t remember, I wouldn’t have approached you like that. To think you’d be so drunk you’d forget.”
Saying so, Rubens let out a brief sigh. Though he noticed it was deliberately done to lighten the mood, Bernard didn’t join in. Since Bernard wasn’t originally such a sociable person anyway, Elliot didn’t seem to care much either.
“He grabbed me saying I’d kept a promise, and I thought this person had a dream.”
Elliot’s shyly smiling appearance would have been fine normally, but why was it so unbearably hateful at this moment? Disgusted by his own inner feelings, Bernard firmly chewed the inside of his mouth.
“…And you weren’t upset that he didn’t remember?”
It was pointless spite. Bernard’s water glass was frequently refilled and soon emptied repeatedly. Rubens laughed without reserve.
“It’s fine. Because I remember.”
Bernard smiled back faintly. What he remembers is his own appearance, but he can’t say that. And then he suddenly becomes curious. Did Elliot not feel the discomfort of the empty memory? Did he really think he’d forgotten everything because he was drunk… Had Rubens also not found that empty space suspicious?
Strength entered the hand gripping the water glass but soon loosened. What did it matter? The two had already become lovers anyway. Trying to distinguish right from wrong now would only become uninteresting gossip. He would just be treated as a fool blinded by jealousy.
“Elliot has a weak body.”
“Yes, everyone around made a fuss about it.”
Feeling like he should say something, he brought up words that seemed best among the options. The tone seemingly containing concern was natural. Feeling as if he were tightening his own breathing hole, Bernard forced a smile.
On Rubens’s hand as he smiled while conspicuously holding Elliot’s hand tightly, he discovered a ring. Only then realizing that the two wore matching rings, Bernard felt an empty emotion. The emotional exchange of that night had truly been momentary.
He should have worn better clothes. Since he would be remembered as a first meeting by this man, he should have at least bought new clothes. And he should have smiled neatly, brought up decent topics of conversation, and spent a day unlike Bernard Weil.
But he had ruined everything.
Perhaps it was a foreseen matter. Because Bernard Weil always had bad luck and was a pathetic fellow who failed at everything. Since he had been alienated from all groups, this loneliness wasn’t unfamiliar either. But the reason he suddenly felt sorrowful—was it because he himself wasn’t yet completely ready to be worn down?
“…And don’t let him drink too much.”
“I’ll be careful.”
“Bernard is such a nag. He’s been like that since we were kids.”
“That’s…” Bernard, who had opened his mouth, closed it again. What was always important to Bernard was Elliot’s daily life. He recalled Sarah and Liam, who asked in detail what Elliot did and what happened, then swallowed a laugh.
“I care about you, Elliot.”
“You keep saying strangely sentimental things today.”
Bernard felt like crying because his fumbling voice sounded so pathetic. Wouldn’t his appearance have looked strange? Watching Bernard wrapped in hypocritical worry, Elliot smiled softly with his eyes.
The two were beautiful as if drawn, and the fact that the sweetly moistening blue eyes were directed at Elliot was more painful than expected. While everyone was happy, Bernard wished he would be erased from the world.
“Um… excuse me for a moment.”
Bernard bowed his head awkwardly and hurriedly left his seat. He was suffocating and his throat was blocked. It felt like tears would drip down at any moment. He fled as if running to the bathroom and turned the faucet of the sink.
“It’s okay, Bernard.”
In a life that wasn’t okay, he told himself every day that it was okay. That it was okay even when Liam scolded him for not taking care of Elliot, that it was okay even when Sarah worried about Elliot but didn’t ask about him, that it was okay even when someone he’d had a crush on said they had actually approached him to become close to Elliot.
In the mirror was a pale-faced man with disheveled bangs covering his eyes. Beyond the thick horn-rimmed glasses, tears spread in his dark green eyes. He thought his face in the rippling view was truly ugly.
“You said it was okay even if no one loved you.”
The people Bernard loved had all not loved him back. Bernard had learned early on that love doesn’t begin to be repaid. In the end, tears he couldn’t hold back formed on his cheeks. The long tear tracks glistened under the fluorescent lights.
Then, the cell phone in Bernard’s pants pocket vibrated long.
