The two men’s night was long. And when morning began to break, Bernard secretly escaped from that room. The hotel lobby, where morning had not yet fully arrived, was quiet. Bernard got into a taxi, hoping only that he wouldn’t look ridiculous. He didn’t have the confidence to stay until morning and explain to him.
All sorts of contacts were marked on his phone. Rhino’s name appeared the most, and after that, there were several missed calls from Elliot.
As soon as he entered the house where his family hadn’t yet woken up, he shut himself in the bathroom. That day, Bernard sat in the bathtub for a long time and counted the overflowing bathwater throughout dawn. Precisely, the water overflowed as much as his tears. His curled-up knees turned red and didn’t lose their color.
An emotion he didn’t know whether it was fear or joy pressed down on his heart. Guilt for having pretended to be his older brother belatedly blocked his throat. Unable to properly let out even a sound of crying, Bernard only gasped for breath for a long time.
“You look fuckable.”
“That’s…”
“Have you never heard such words even once?”
The compliments that continued while caressing his entire body. The firm hands that soothed and embraced him when he let out crying sounds. The kisses that followed after laughter saying it couldn’t be helped when he panted short of breath. He was sweet enough to be saccharine, and Rubens’s appearance occasionally visible in the darkness was wonderful enough to be unforgettable.
“I was wrong.”
Rubens, who had grazed his teeth ticklishly on his shoulder blade, let out a self-deprecating sigh. Bernard struggled with a fullness that felt like his stomach skin was being pulled, yet tried hard to meet his gaze.
“…I really wasn’t here to sell my body or play tricks.”
“I said… Ah, wait…!”
“This unskilled and sloppy.”
Saying that, Rubens laughed. Not knowing what he was laughing at, Bernard tried to laugh along like a fool, then grimaced and moaned at the sensation of his inner walls being pounded.
“It’s distressing.”
Rubens kept saying incomprehensible words.
“It seems like I won’t be able to catch it.”
Bernard wriggled at the hand that firmly grabbed his waist, but he wouldn’t let go.
“Ah… That’s right. Was I too late? Congratulations on your graduation.”
Only then did Bernard realize he was being congratulated on graduation for the first time. Even at the graduation ceremony, his parents were so interested in Elliot’s mortarboard that they hadn’t left Bernard even a single word of congratulations.
Rubens’s affectionate touch and kisses, the incomprehensible words that followed, melted him. It felt like the heat in the man’s voice would burn all the touching skin. Bernard cried like a child, but to Rubens, it must have seemed like whining from sex.
It was that kind of night.
A night where he wasn’t scolded for crying and was allowed everything. A night where the other person endlessly showed curiosity about Bernard and paid attention to him, and Bernard had to embrace his neck and nod several times at the actions that pressed him as if urging what came next.
“I like you. I’ll come find you.”
“…Are you confident? Even though I’m… not the person you know… Mmh!”
“If I find and meet you. Then… shall we try dating passionately?”
When he recalled up to that point, his heart pounded rapidly. But he wouldn’t really search for him. There would be no magical discovery of someone as shabby as himself. So he should live as if dead and endure as if nothing happened. Bernard’s nape turned red.
However, Bernard’s resolve was too weak to overcome the approaching reality.
***
Rubens, left behind at the hotel, let out an empty laugh looking at the table where not even a single note had been left. When he woke up around the time the morning sun shallowly soaked the bedspread, he naturally fumbled for the spot next to him on the bed, and opened his eyes alone in a bed where no weight could be felt.
The well-spread blanket as if no one had been there from the start, and even the slippers placed neatly, looked unrealistic. Only the condom thrown away in the trash can testified to last night.
“Well now… It’s the first time I’ve been fucked and dumped.”
Recalling the face that had cried messily under him all night, Rubens dry-washed his face. His fine black hair was disheveled messily at his head movement.
He kept recalling the small, round face that fit in one hand and cried helplessly. The slender waist that clumsily called Rubens’s name and snuggled into his arms, obviously showing it was the first time for anyone to see, the fingertips that barely held on as if afraid to even leave nail marks, such things lingered in his mind.
“So, it’s about showing that an absolute thing exists where you can place your feet. Then… anxiety also finds stability.”
Chewing over words he had thought were insignificant nonsense, Rubens smoothed the arranged bedding. Had he been lonely? After a brief self-questioning, an empty laugh came out.
“How arrogant. Really telling me to search for you…”
However, the man’s face muttering like that overflowed with laughter rather than displeasure. Because he noticed it had been a period of drifting that even he himself hadn’t realized.
***
Bernard spent hectic days. One day passed and even after two days, there was no news from Rubens. It was obvious. Though he had said to search for him, there was no way Rubens would really come looking for him. He had pointlessly built up expectations.
“Elliot.”
“Ah, Bernard.”
Tightening his tie, Elliot smiled faintly. Straightening out the slightly crooked tie, Bernard glanced at his complexion. It seemed something good had happened.
“Will you be late?”
“Probably. I have an appointment.”
He seemed to have said he had an invited gathering. Bernard, who saw him off telling him to go, felt restless and instead tackled work he had put off. Small things like housework, large things like tasks Liam had dumped on him.
“…I’m not in my right mind.”
His daily life couldn’t quite be restored. Bernard frequently fiddled with his phone and either stayed holed up at home working or just read books day and night. Then one day he suddenly realized. The books he had been reading all along were all romance novels, and the physical descriptions of the characters resembled Rubens.
“Rubens.”
The name he was permitted was only for that night’s portion, but even after that, Bernard often secretly hid and called his name. Each time, whether the ache in one side of his chest was guilt or anticipation was unclear.
Could it be that Cinderella in the fairy tale, who danced with the prince on the ball night and urgently escaped, was able to do so because she held the warmth and joy of that day in her arms and resolved to return forever to her shabby daily life?
Elliot said many people were looking for him these days and went out frequently. Then Sarah’s worry also increased, saying he might be harming his health. Even with Sarah’s nagging to go together with Bernard, Elliot insisted on going out alone, so it was difficult to see his face at all. When he came home, his face was full of smiling flowers. Liam would click his tongue saying he didn’t know who Elliot was meeting.
Unlike them, Bernard had only that degree of minor worry—whether some pathetic person had latched onto his good-natured brother. Elliot was excessively kind even to strange people. Because stalkers who mistook that for affection occasionally appeared, Bernard’s worry was a fairly grounded concern.
“Bernard, Bernard, you there?”
That night, Elliot came home late. At the faint sound of knocking on the door with a tipsy voice, as if he had drunk alcohol heavily, Bernard woke from a light sleep. He wasn’t someone who would drink this much. Opening the door in puzzlement, the smell of alcohol strongly permeated.
“Elliot. What have you been doing these days?”
“There’s someone who’s enjoyable to meet.”
“Enjoyable person?”
Bernard’s eyes narrowed. When drunk, Elliot rambled on incoherently. If he accidentally caught the wrong thread, he would fall into strange places and chatter on by himself. Without even thinking of listening to the other person.
“I’ll introduce you later. You’ll like them too, Bernard.”
“Are you even dating?”
“Secret. It’s a secret.”
The smile on Elliot’s face, who looked pleased, was only peculiar. To Bernard, who glimpsed the excitement on his face, it only looked suspicious. But Bernard didn’t interrogate and supported the drunk Elliot.
“Elliot, you need to go upstairs and sleep.”
At those words, some muttering sounds came back, but Bernard dismissed them as sleep talk. Elliot’s clothes had a strong perfume smell. Since he didn’t wear perfume, it was probably someone else’s. It seemed like a perfume smell he had smelled somewhere, but the memory quickly evaporated.
“Watch your step, please… If you fall, you’ll get hurt.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine.”
Firmly supporting the waist of the grinning Elliot, he carefully moved his steps. Among the people around Elliot, there wouldn’t be anyone who didn’t know he was weak to alcohol, but it was unclear where he had drunk this much.
“Are you really dating, Elliot?”
He laid Elliot on the bed and unbuttoned his clothes. No answer came to the question. Looking at someone already half asleep, Bernard let out a short sigh and pulled up the blanket. When he patted his chest area, before long, even breathing sounds were heard.
Though he was a twin brother with only a few seconds’ difference, Bernard often felt he was like a child. Maybe it was because he had spent too many days in a sickbed. Sarah and Liam had taught Bernard since childhood that he must take good care of Elliot. Since he was born healthy alone despite being twins, he should fulfill that role.
Bernard grew up in such abuse. A deformed life was rather the daily norm for Bernard. As he grew older, he realized something was awkward, but under his family’s continuous indoctrination, he obediently complied without strength.
Bernard rubbed his sleepy eyes and returned to his own bedroom. However, an anxiety that remained caught somewhere wetted one side of his chest. Was that the reason? Each time he woke from light sleep, nightmares shook him.
When Bernard, who had fallen into a brief sleep close to morning, woke up again, Elliot had already left the house early. Was he really… even dating? If so, with whom exactly?
