He didn’t want to treat him like this—him who had been kind, and who had been the only one. Rhino’s silence grew long. Unable to answer easily, he seemed to try to smile several times but failed each time.
Bernard thought. That he would regret today for a long, long time someday. However, he didn’t retract his words. Rubens would keep his word. At least, he would keep the words that he could harm Rhino. Bernard straightened his back. He rather hoped Rhino would resent him.
“Then… We’re friends. Is your body okay?”
It was a very powerless affirmation. Rhino smiled faintly with both hands clasped tightly together. At the distant sensation, Bernard blinked. What should I do with you? Strength entered his eyes. Because he knew that if he cried here, everything would be for nothing. He just chewed his lips and briefly bowed his head, then raised it vigorously and said he was fine. His voice was crushed, but it didn’t matter.
“…Oh right, I didn’t even give you coffee. Want to drink coffee?”
How had close friends acted with each other? He probably nodded. Watching Rhino’s back hurriedly disappear toward the kitchen, Bernard exhaled deeply. He couldn’t not know those hurt eyes. Those eyes that didn’t resent even a bit looked like they would cry soon.
Bernard waited for Rhino who didn’t come back for a long time. Perhaps he might not sleep tonight and regret it all along. He might want to come running the next day saying they shouldn’t have acted like that and to take it back. He would have to keep chewing on it and chewing on it for his whole life until his insides rotted away.
I’m sorry.
Words he couldn’t say. However, Bernard felt the fear toward Rubens more deeply than that apology. He didn’t want him and Rhino to face each other.
“I put in lots of sugar too.”
“Rhino.”
“I don’t think we need to talk more.”
Rhino hadn’t forgotten a single thing about Bernard. Receiving the hot coffee cup, Bernard cleared his throat. Rhino sat back down on the opposite sofa and roughly tousled his hair. He seemed to be conflicted about something, and also seemed to want to avoid it. His haggard face only now came into view. He had become gaunt in the meantime.
“I understand. I think I know what you want.”
Rhino was a smart person. He had always been a shining glory. He didn’t know how to soften, and shone as if he didn’t even need to know how. That person now looked shabby.
“Bernard, you…”
Rhino’s lips moved. Bernard felt exactly like he was looking in a mirror. The cruel moments he had passed by, dismissing them as not being himself, only now came to mind. The moment he repeatedly asked if he didn’t like Elliot, the moments when he said like a joke that of course he knew he would prioritize Elliot.
“To me, not even once.”
The words that fell with difficulty were separated piece by piece. While looking at Rhino’s tensely strained shoulders, he thought like a different person. That he, surprisingly, found himself difficult. That thought. No one found him difficult, but only he did.
“The thought of not wanting to be friends.”
A light filled with desperation fleetingly crossed Rhino’s eyes.
“Never had it?”
The words that had continued for a long time finally came to an end. Bernard sighed softly. He deliberately rattled off foolish words in front of Rhino. However, he didn’t blame even one thing. And anxiously asked only this.
“…Never had it.”
He closed his eyes. Because he didn’t have the confidence to meet his gaze. He felt the upright gaze softening. It was surely falling downward, downward repeatedly. He didn’t want to check whether Rhino was crying. He didn’t want to guess whether he wanted to cry. He didn’t want to read any signal from his face. The coffee was hot but only his fingertips cooled coldly.
That man had told him to clean up Rhino. What happened at the party venue had clearly displeased him. Bernard put the predetermined words on his tongue. This was a knife. With his mouth completely cut, not even flesh remaining, he chose the wound to give him while curling up the bones.
“Rhino. As expected, that tie pin… I’d like you to throw it away.”
This was the best. In the sunlight, white and hazy dust looked like light. There are such moments. Moments that are extremely beautiful as if everything has stopped. A scene where the coffee scent spreads thickly, creating the illusion that it’s exactly like usual. However, Bernard knew. He would never see Rhino again in this scene. Bernard smiled while repeating the words “I’m sorry” only inwardly. Would it look distorted?
“If you keep it, our relationship will seem strange.”
A perfect villain. It was a decent thing to say, and he thought Rhino wouldn’t want to see him for a while with these words.
“What’s wrong? What did I do wrong? Is that it?”
“No.”
“Tell me. I’ll listen to everything. I’ll fix it. So don’t tell me to throw it away.”
“It’s not like that.”
But Rhino, as always, digs into vulnerable parts just like this. Knowing each other well is this dangerous. Bernard put strength into his hand tightly. His fingertips trembled. He didn’t want to show it. He was fortunate to be holding the coffee cup. Rhino hadn’t done anything wrong. The only one who did wrong was Bernard himself.
“I want to look good to that person.”
“…Don’t joke.”
“I’m not joking. I said I slept with that person. So I just need to try a little harder.”
“Please… don’t say such things.”
“So let’s stop seeing each other now. Let’s just text or call. I don’t want to see you like this. You were too excessive at the party venue too. You know? Mr. Hurt will suspect.”
“Yeah. It’s all my fault. It’s my fault… So don’t say let’s stop seeing each other.”
His throat kept getting blocked. It became difficult to breathe. The suffering must have pressed down tightly on a corner of his chest. Sad emotions quickly swell in volume. They might press down on even his lungs entirely and suffocate him. Bernard asked sharply.
“Then are you planning to continue like this from now on?”
“What’s wrong with continuing like this?”
“Always waiting for me, only spending time with me?”
“Is that not allowed?”
It was a desperate question. Bernard pressed down and swallowed the rising emotion tightly. Rhino had never made such an expression before. Yet only in front of Bernard, like someone without any pride…
“You’re an idiot.”
You only act so naively toward me. You’re cunning. You’re doing this knowing what parts I’m weak in… You, you know everything. Because you know everything about where I’ll be sad. Even though he examined Rhino thoroughly, he couldn’t see even a single point of falsehood on his face. Bernard felt even deeper despair. This shouldn’t be. This shouldn’t be…
“I didn’t want to see you.”
“…Bernard.”
It felt like he had bitten his own tongue. Rhino’s expression made him feel that way. His expression filled with a sense of loss was too clearly visible. Perhaps because he realized that he no longer had to hide.
“…There’s nothing more to say. I’m leaving. I trust you’ll listen to me.”
He got up, passing by him who sat as if nailed down. He wanted to disappear forever like this. Bernard left the place as if fleeing. The face of Rhino he had just seen kept circling in his head. Rubens’s face overlapped on top of it, and Elliot’s comfort echoed in his ears.
As he opened the gate, suddenly, an urgent call was heard.
“Bernard, wait. Wait just a moment!”
Rhino, who ran out barefoot without even wearing shoes, grabbed his shoulder. Not knowing what he would say, he bit his lips when he crouched down in front of Bernard.
“I saw earlier that your shoelaces were really loose. You’ll trip like that.”
He looked small, crouched down showing his back. At Rhino’s action of retying the loosened shoelaces, Bernard sighed. Many emotions rushed in. Unable to bear it, he took off his glasses. It seemed like tears would get on the lenses. As he covered his face and controlled his trembling breath, a voice was heard from below.
“Even if you’re like that, I wanted to see you.”
Rhino’s voice became a little smaller.
“Very much.”
Rhino was crying while holding his breath.
