“I can’t.”
It was a reflexive answer. Rubens’ lips twisted faintly. The car that had stopped briefly at a red light smoothly moved forward again. Bernard, sitting uncomfortably as if trapped in the car, fidgeted with his fingertips restlessly.
“That’s the price.”
“I can’t pay it.”
“I told you. It’s an amount you can’t pay.”
“I’ll return it to you.”
“That’s also impossible.”
It was a dilemma. It didn’t seem like it would be accepted at all, so Bernard was chewing his innocent lips when Rubens’ words continued.
“It won’t be good if someone else gets between us.”
“……That’s.”
“I want perfect handling of work. If McPherson gets involved, it will clearly go wrong, so get rid of him.”
“Rhino is… my friend. He’s just worried about me.”
“That bothers me.”
He didn’t hide his clear hostility. Rubens examined Bernard’s complexion through the rearview mirror. His deathly pale face looked exactly like someone who had heard someone’s obituary. He roughly knew Bernard’s personal information. The report Dale Roman had investigated and submitted was only one and a half pages. The only friend others would acknowledge was just Rhino. Besides that, were there even two relationships embarrassing to call friends?
“If I… if I still refuse?”
“I never gave you that option.”
Turning the steering wheel, Rubens briefly scoffed.
“And, I heard McPherson will inherit the advertising business first… if there’s controversy regarding inheritance, that would be quite good.”
“Is there something… that would be a problem?”
“Flaws can be created anywhere.”
Bernard’s breathing jumped rapidly. The bones on the back of his hand gripping the door pocket stood out whitely. Every time his chest rose and fell steeply, many thoughts became blurred. It felt as if they were piled up in layers inside, pressing down firmly on his heart.
“……Until when?”
“Immediately.”
And the car stopped. Rubens, who let Bernard out in front of a suitable store as if he had said everything he needed to say, moved away without even hearing an answer. The answer was decided anyway. Bernard had to comply, and a moment’s disobedience might have called for a higher price.
Bernard stood vacantly and blinked his eyes. The weight of the ring fitted on his fourth finger was too heavy. He couldn’t believe he had to abandon his one and only friend over just such a ring.
However, if he didn’t let him go, he would clearly suffer great disaster. He didn’t care if he himself was ruined. But if Rhino was ruined, Bernard wouldn’t be able to bear the suffering. Bernard felt his body price was more expensive than he thought. Next to his endlessly shabby body were Elliot and Rhino.
His heart was painful and sore. However, suffering never had an end.
***
When day broke, Bernard looked a bit anxious. Elliot glanced at him and then left the house as if he had business. Regrettably, Bernard’s conflict didn’t last longer. It couldn’t.
“Rhino, it’s me.”
– ……You’re finally calling now.
It was a familiar voice, but he didn’t know why it sounded so forlorn. Bernard checked the phone number of the person he was calling once more and carefully opened his mouth.
Normally, Bernard would have brought up the topic first. Let’s go to the library, or let’s stop by the bookstore, or let’s go to the park. However, this time he couldn’t bring up any of those words. Rhino was also continuing to be silent. And in the future too, he wouldn’t be able to… say such things to him.
– We seem to have something to talk about. Right?
Even though he couldn’t possibly see, Bernard nodded his head.
– Let’s meet at my house.
Nevertheless, Rhino answered as if possessed. When he answered that he understood and was about to hang up, Rhino’s faint voice was heard.
– I miss you.
The call ended while Bernard was silent. Holding the disconnected phone, Bernard swallowed a groan.
Rhino’s house was in a not-too-distant place. A distance that required a bit of courage to walk. Past the old grocery store, the burger shop Rhino liked appeared. He remembered him saying the cheese sauce was absolutely superb. During exam periods, he would always buy hamburgers. And if you walked for quite a while, more noticeable than any other house…… Rhino’s house appeared.
It was a house with impressive ivy just starting to climb the grayish-white walls. The iron bars elegantly surrounding the house had more of a decorative feeling than security. Someone once commented it looked like an expensive house to anyone, but Rhino had dismissed it saying his house looked like a nouveau riche’s home.
Pressing the doorbell, Bernard felt a sense of alienation he had never felt before. He somehow felt he was doing something foolish. That feeling that he was making a mistake again.
“Your face is really hard to see.”
Very fortunately, Rhino had an even expression. Whether he had just woken up, he stepped aside wearing a thin t-shirt with disheveled hair. Bernard tried hard to make an ordinary expression.
The living room where sunlight poured in thickly was a place Bernard particularly liked. There was a recliner chair placed there, which was a designated seat considerate of Bernard who would occasionally fall asleep while reading books. Traces of Bernard remained throughout the house. That’s why it felt even more suffocating.
“Rhino…….”
It was too difficult to know how to bring it up. He didn’t want to lose his limited friendship. However, sometimes there are things you have to do even if you don’t want to. As if understanding Bernard who was frowning as if troubled, Rhino offered a chair first. He didn’t bring out coffee. He seemed to vaguely sense it wasn’t that kind of situation. Rhino said.
“I think I was too emotional back then.”
“…That could, be. I didn’t say anything to you.”
He always confided difficult matters to Rhino. Then he would frown instead and curse those who made Bernard’s life difficult. And the next day, that person would appear on campus with at least one bruise on their face. At such times, he vaguely thought it must have been Rhino’s doing. He was always excessively kind to Bernard.
“It wasn’t that you didn’t want to tell me?”
“Why would I do that to you?”
Rhino was smiling kindly, but Bernard found this situation unbearably difficult. He thought he would despise himself for confessing that he was in love with his twin’s lover, but Rhino didn’t do so.
“You’re not avoiding me?”
It was the right question. At the question that hit too directly, Bernard couldn’t find an answer and smiled palely. Through his disheveled bangs, Rhino’s calm face could be seen. It was a face Bernard didn’t know well. He was always light and cheerful in front of Bernard.
“That must be your imagination. You know me best.”
It was a delayed answer by one beat, but Rhino didn’t rebuke him. Bernard continued speaking.
“That day, that tie pin. I think it really doesn’t suit you. When I get my salary, I’ll buy you a new one.”
“I like that one.”
“It’s too pathetic for your suit.”
At the repeated refusal, Rhino rather had a dissatisfied expression. Looking at Rhino’s face that had softened considerably, Bernard rather felt as if his insides were burning up.
“You gave it to me. You know. There’s nothing that can replace you.”
Rhino spoke in an even tone while folding several newspapers placed on the low table. It was exactly like whispering. Words like a confession. Bernard rather froze sharply at those words. Rhino, who noticed Bernard’s attitude, pulled up the corners of his mouth and let out a light laugh. However, he knew that laugh was false. The two had shared too many things so far. When he faced what he had tried to deny, many things became visible.
Despite having sent many texts, Rhino didn’t ask anything. His consideration was both welcome and difficult on the other hand. Why did he feel such emotions? It was because Bernard had started some assumption.
“About Elliot…….”
“Did Elliot act foolishly again?”
Now he vaguely seemed to know why he showed this reaction to Elliot’s story. His sulky face had exactly that young feeling of that age group. Rhino was always like that. Despite having an impression that looked like he would rampage here and there, he acted quite docilely only in front of Bernard.
“You really don’t like Elliot.”
A futile laugh fell out. With one word, the taboo of all that time broke very flimsily. Rhino’s movement stopped abruptly. Bernard felt a very lonely feeling. Why didn’t he know? No, had he been pretending not to know?
“Rhino.”
A strange tone was embedded in the calling. Bernard was generally soft-hearted and indecisive, but there were rare times when he became resolute. When writing the last sentence on an exam paper, and when submitting a report with opposing opinions even knowing the professor wouldn’t welcome it. And.
“I slept with that person.”
When he foresaw that a relationship could no longer be salvaged.
He knew how cruel these words could be. However, he also knew there were times when it had to be done. Bernard was once again disgusted with himself for being cruel only to Rhino. Rhino was frozen as if he had heard very strange words.
“That person said I was…… pretty.”
No one knows. How happy he was at those small actions of hugging, kissing, and encouraging him, saying he was pretty, saying he was lovely, in a life where he had been rejected every time by someone he had goodwill toward. Not knowing what to do with the happiness that opened his chest tightly and filled up to inside his ribs, Bernard cried endlessly that dawn. It was such a first experience.
“Bernard, you.”
“So let’s just keep our distance for a while. I don’t want to be misunderstood by that person.”
Rhino looked wronged. His fingernails gripping the newspaper turned white.
Rhino McPherson does not love Elliot Weil. That’s all. There was nothing more. Bernard hoped his expression right now looked natural. Or at least that he looked like a person. His glasses kept pressing on the bridge of his nose and it hurt. Maybe it hurt for a different reason. Just, everywhere hurt entirely.
“You don’t need to understand my unreasonableness…… I know, that person is dating Elliot. I’m in my right mind, I just want to do this. Who knows? He might look back at me.”
He felt the relationship surrounding the two loosening. While walking, Bernard had many thoughts. Things he could do, things he should do, and things he needed to settle. And regrettably, Rhino belonged to things that had to be settled completely by others’ intentions.
“Can I ask again? Rhino…… we’re friends, right?”
At the definitive ending, Rhino’s silence lengthened. Bernard didn’t want to fathom the emotion in his gray eyes. However, he couldn’t pretend not to know. It was a face often seen when looking in the mirror. Why did that man and Rhino both have such faces? Perhaps that man too. The thought that went that far collapsed. Because an expression he had never once seen appeared on Rhino’s face.
‘I, actually didn’t prepare to be cruel to you.’
However, still, he couldn’t say it.
