Bernard didn’t answer. Precisely, he wasn’t in the right mind to answer. The taxi drove for quite a while and dropped him off in front of his house. Only then did Bernard realize he’d been in a semi-panic state inside the car.
The things he had to do tomorrow came to mind confusingly, but he soon shook them off. It was a time when no one would be home. Since Elliot wasn’t home, their parents wouldn’t be there either. However, Bernard couldn’t enter the house.
“……Bernard?”
Because there was a man waiting for Bernard in front of the door with a completely dead face. He heard the sound of the taxi leaving from behind. Rhino was staring blankly at him. Bernard felt emotions surging up. He knew that expression.
“The party isn’t over yet.”
Bernard’s words were nothing but a pathetic excuse. Rhino frowned at the mention of the party, but that was all.
“Weren’t you scared?”
He quickly approached and did useless things like dusting off Bernard’s shoulders and tidying his hair. And at the following question, Bernard blinked without understanding the context for a moment. Rhino still had a pained face. Bernard couldn’t understand why he was in pain.
“……That man suddenly rushed at you. He could have hurt you. Damn it. No, don’t remember. I was wrong.”
“Elliot’s not home right now.”
“Please, Bernard.”
Rhino rambled incoherently and dry-washed his face at Bernard’s gradually distorting expression. He was always kind. So kind and kind that he didn’t even give a chance to pretend to cover up wounds. Bernard’s voice that poured out was filled with suppressed anger.
Bernard cried silently. Tears dripping down were hidden by his glasses lenses. His vision was entirely blurred. I don’t know. Why am I treating you badly? Why do you act like that whenever I bring up Elliot?
In the end, Rhino would also love Elliot. Like Rubens, he must have been waiting for Elliot. There must have been a bit of expectation toward Elliot in all his actions. Bernard’s mood was a complete mess to properly judge anything.
He wanted to say bad things. But he couldn’t. Because that would be nothing more than pouring out the wounds he received elsewhere onto Rhino.
“Rhino.”
Rhino, Rhino, Rhino…… At the name called several times, Rhino carefully embraced Bernard’s back. Bernard, embraced in those arms, burst into tears like a child. He didn’t think that neighborhood residents might see. Only miserable feelings filled him entirely.
“You’ll despise me too.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’ll seem ridiculous to you.”
“Is it because you acted as Elliot? There must have been some reason for that. I trust you. I said I’m on your side. We’re…… friends, Bernard.”
Rhino’s voice subsided at the syllable ‘friends’. Bernard knew that his suit, which he was wetting with tears, was probably expensive, but still couldn’t pull away.
He had the pathetic thought that he wished someone would love him. He wished someone would hold him tight and say it’s all okay, that they loved him. But what was more painful was wishing that person would be Rubens. But he knew well it wouldn’t happen.
“I said I loved him.”
“……What are you saying?”
“I told that person I loved him.”
There was no answer from Rhino. “Don’t push me away. No. Rhino. No.” Saying such things, Bernard hastily embraced Rhino’s back. Rhino quietly stroked Bernard’s back.
“I know too. I know I shouldn’t be like this. That person is dating Elliot. I’m, I’m really a pathetic piece of vermin…… I really am.”
The self-hatred poured out incoherently stopped. Rhino, who forcibly pulled Bernard away, had a blazing face. Bernard fell silent without finishing the words that were about to follow. Even during school days, Rhino often displayed anger, but Bernard wasn’t the target. It was mainly anger directed at those who bullied Bernard. The anger contained in his gray eyes was so deep and deep…… it felt alien.
“Bernard, please.”
Soon Rhino’s expression distorted.
“It’s okay whatever you do. I don’t care what you do. But Bernard. Am I not even in your thoughts?”
Bernard didn’t know why Rhino was saying such things. Bernard’s wet eyelashes blinked.
“Don’t say such things in front of me. I don’t see you that way…… don’t you know? When you say such things in front of me, I feel like I’ll really go crazy. I don’t know how to act.”
The pain dyeing Rhino’s angry eyes was so vivid. Bernard felt bewildered. He was always like this. He felt sorry for Bernard’s low self-esteem and lamented asking why he didn’t know he was a much better person than he thought. Then he apologized first again, saying he was sorry, that he was wrong.
Because of that, Bernard knew Rhino would apologize again after this. Rhino always acted subservient to him. Others didn’t know the anxious Rhino, but Bernard knew. Rhino McPherson was a rogue who wouldn’t yield to anyone, but not to him.
“Why?”
Bernard felt a strange sense of déjà vu but ignored it. So right now, Rhino was like himself earlier. He also resembled himself clinging to Rubens. But it must be a mistake. Everyone at school knew that Rhino had a one-sided love for Elliot.
“Because you’re a precious existence to me…… aren’t you?”
Rhino watched Bernard’s tears dripping down, then embraced him again as if nothing mattered. “I’m sorry. I said something unnecessary. Please stop crying. No, just cry comfortably in front of me.” He let out a long sigh while spitting out such tangled words.
“I really can’t stand it because of you.”
“……”
“Can’t you just tell me everything honestly?”
“Rhino.”
“Please. It’s okay whatever you do, so please just tell me. That way I’ll know something and go find you.”
‘You don’t need to be so devoted to me. We’re just close friends, you don’t have to go that far.’ About to spit out those words, Bernard kept silent, feeling he would be too cruel. His tears were subsiding at the kindness.
“You’re too good for me.”
The words muttered were sincere. How many people admired Rhino? Everyone wanted to become close with him and subtly brought it up to Bernard. In reality, to Bernard, Rhino was no different from a second Elliot.
Rhino was Bernard’s aspiration and admiration. He was a proud friend and at the same time an existence he didn’t know why he hung out closely with him. He couldn’t tell his enthusiastic friend he had such thoughts.
“Why the hell does McPherson hang around with that Weil bastard?”
He’d once overheard someone grumbling in dissatisfaction. It was right. Rhino, who was perfect in everything, was too precious a person to remain as Bernard’s friend. He was a person from a different world who shouldn’t have gotten entangled with Bernard at all.
“No, Bernard. You’re too good for me.”
Rhino self-deprecated. When Bernard raised his gaze, their eyes met as he lowered his head. He had a pained expression. Bernard wanted to ask why he had such a face. The face that came close seemed like it would kiss him. Though it must be a mistake, it really seemed so. And Bernard’s memory cut off there.
***
It was a time when morning hadn’t even fully dawned, but Bernard rushed outside hastily. His pale white face looked as if he’d seen a ghost. The morning newspaper was placed outside the door.
<Jason Walker, Shocking Affair Facts Discovered.>
The headline decorating page 1 of the newspaper was the exposé of a famous actor’s affair. Bernard’s hands turning the newspaper trembled, but he couldn’t find the kind of article he’d been worried about. The party from that night was printed very small in the society section.
A brief snippet of an article that only mentioned it as a charity party of the rich. Nowhere was news of the stalker’s attack printed. He lost his spirit. Though he felt dizzy, Bernard only swallowed short breaths without leaning on anything.
Rubens’s words that he could control all people came to mind. His face was that of someone who didn’t know failure. Many articles are printed in newspapers. Though they say it’s for the public interest, there were none who weren’t hungry for scoops. The content reported by paparazzi must also go up and down by dozens per day.
He newly realized the power the name Rubens Hurt held.
Bernard standing in front of the door in his pajamas seemed like he would be swept away and disappear somewhere at any moment. Color didn’t return to his pale white cheeks. He felt seasick. Even though it was land. His cheeks wet with tears immediately must look shabby. His slippers dragged. He staggered inside, threw the newspaper anywhere, and burrowed back into bed. He wanted to sleep as long as possible.
He didn’t want to waver, but it was too difficult.
