Bernard couldn’t say anything to Elliot. Not about the proposal he’d received, nor his worries. He simply handed Elliot a cake box and only said the clichéd words, “Mr. Hurt cares about you.” Naturally, Elliot was delighted, and proportionately, Bernard’s insides burned black.
Bernard, who said he wouldn’t eat dinner, flopped face-down on the bed. Feeling mentally exhausted, he dozed off, and woke up in the early dawn.
Before he even registered the dawn sky outside the window, what first entered his eyes was Elliot. Elliot’s expression as he lay asleep beside him—having entered his bed at some point—was peaceful. He gazed down at that face that seemed without worries for a long time. He kissed that cheek. As expected…… he wanted him to be happy.
And the next day, a call came from an unfamiliar number.
“This is Bernard Weil.”
– Pleased to meet you. This is Dale Roman. I’m the executive secretary for Mr. Rubens Hurt.
“Ah… yes, what is it?”
– A package will be arriving. It’s a package requesting cooperation regarding Mr. Elliot’s matter, so please receive it and check it.
“A package?”
– Then I’ll take it that you’ll receive it and hang up. I’m busy, so that’s all.
The brief call was without consideration, and Bernard could only stare at his phone in a daze. And not long after, the sound of the doorbell ringing was heard. It was documents sent by Rubens. Elliot was out, and Bernard, left alone at home, anxiously fidgeted with the document envelope. The things he had to hide from his family kept growing.
The documents only briefly contained the necessary information. It was about what had recently happened to Elliot, and opinions regarding it. Elliot didn’t know at all about the stalker attached to him, and only Rubens had noticed first and was monopolizing the information. Even the household had no way of knowing.
He couldn’t understand why the stalker’s letter that arrived for Elliot was in Rubens’s hands. It was suspicious enough to wonder if one of his neighbors was receiving money from Rubens to monitor the house.
It seemed the stalker’s side had tried to approach Elliot several times, but failed due to Rubens’s obstruction. Whether unfortunately or fortunately, Elliot was the oblivious type, and thanks to that, all these incidents seemed perfectly hidden.
“Compensation proposal……”
Money and material goods were listed as priorities, and it was written that he could help the household if desired. It was undoubtedly talk related to the publishing business Liam ran. Since Rubens was a figure who appeared at social gatherings, he must understand the context Liam desired all the more.
「13th, 7 PM external party. ……」
And below the compensation proposal was an underlined schedule. It was a notice. But Bernard didn’t feel newly disappointed and turned another page of the documents.
The word party recalled bad memories. Bernard had many bad habits, but the worst among them was pointlessly ruminating over past memories. Even knowing well that the sluggish regret of recalling bad memories and hurting himself again didn’t help with growth at all, he did it anyway.
「……Please check and contact me.」
He fingered the memo the man had written himself for a long time. Don’t covet what belongs to others. That was a basic human virtue, but in reality, it was the virtue least kept. Bernard swallowed a bitter smile at the desire that arose.
Numbers were slowly entered on the phone screen. He stubbornly saved a number that would be wise to keep as a stranger forever. Because this is work. Because contact might be necessary. While swallowing such excuses, the name he saved was merely ‘That Person’. Just in case someone saw the contact on his phone and asked why he had saved Rubens Hurt, that wouldn’t do.
[Bernard]: I’ve checked the documents. Should I go to the location you mentioned at the appointed time?
[Rubens]: It would be good to meet once more the day before. Because preparation will be necessary.
A reply came back quickly to the text he sent. He wrote “What kind of preparation” but deleted what he’d entered. It was obvious. He was clearly going to check if he was suitable as Elliot’s stand-in.
[Rubens]: Come to this address at lunch.
The written address was an unfamiliar place, but Bernard didn’t ask twice. Contact concluded with words of understanding and a perfunctory greeting. His chest churned as if it had met a storm. It wasn’t that he was afraid of being Elliot’s stand-in. However, if he met Rubens again as Elliot’s stand-in, he felt hopeful that he might notice something strange.
He might notice the difference from that night. Such a gloomy hope raised its head, then was quickly crushed. Now Elliot and Rubens were lovers. There was nothing Bernard could instigate between them. It was something that shouldn’t be done either.
Bernard found it difficult to understand his own feelings. His affection for Elliot was also real. But on the other hand, the desire to make certain their secret…… was also real. Because it was an unreasoned tenderness he’d enjoyed for the first time in his life.
“Rhino will be angry.”
After leaving Rhino behind to meet Rubens, there had been no contact from him. His heart ached so he left an apology by text, but since no reply came, it felt awkward to contact him first. He sighed, thinking that with one of his few friends, he kept accumulating nothing but things to be sorry about like this.
Rhino, whose reactions had become prickly lately, was harder to deal with than before. He seemed to have something to say, but it would be outright meddling for him to notice first and rush him, so waiting was right.
Because rebuilding relationships with other people was nearly impossible for himself who was accustomed to rejection and was gloomy, the relationship with Rhino was desperate. Bernard desperately hoped all of this would work out well again. For that, it was right for him to endure a bit more and curl up. That method alone had always brought effective results.
***
The day before the party, Bernard headed to the address Rubens had sent. He naturally thought the destination would be the party venue, but arrived at an unexpected place. It was an unfamiliar house. At first, he was flustered not knowing whose house it was, but soon could tell it was Rubens’s house. Without even a chance to ask why he’d been called here, some people surrounded Bernard.
Right away Bernard’s shaggy hair was groomed, and instead of glasses, lenses in a color slightly brighter than his original eye color were thrust at him. It was a color similar to Elliot’s eyes. Only then did Bernard realize why he was being dressed up. When Bernard, who had been staring blankly at the contact lenses, said his eyesight wasn’t bad, a peculiar expression briefly crossed the makeup person’s face. After that, he was dressed in new clothes without even price tags attached.
Bernard felt like he might get indigestion from the overwhelmingly pouring attention. He shook his head several times, but Rubens was firm.
“Straighten your shoulders more.”
“……Like this?”
“Your waist more upright.”
And presently. Rubens pressed with his hand on the area around Bernard’s waist, right above his buttocks. Bernard’s body flinched and trembled. It felt like the inside of his thighs were going numb. Though a heated mood mixed into his breath, Rubens seemed not to notice and was only calm.
“Relax. You’re going to a place where no one can harm you.”
“……”
“Act like Elliot.”
At the continuing words, Bernard lost his spirit. Standing together in Rubens’s house living room was utterly unrealistic. A place where no one can harm you. He knew it was a lie to comfort Bernard himself. With a trap being set to catch a stalker, such comfort didn’t resonate.
“My, how kind you are.”
“I wonder. It’s a matter of necessity.”
To Bernard’s muttered words, Rubens smiled thinly. Because the bangs that had covered his eyes were naturally groomed and swept back, their gazes met distressingly often.
“Don’t forget, at the party you must act like lovers.”
“……Yes.”
“Act confident. Whatever you do, I’ll receive it.”
Rubens’s attitude was utterly businesslike. But Bernard was greatly swayed by each and every one of his attitudes. He simply couldn’t control his emotions. The skin touching as he corrected his posture, the waist being brushed trembled finely. The kind voice not hidden by night’s shadows was both unfamiliar and excessive.
“Pl-please keep it secret from Elliot.”
“I intend to. I don’t want to cause Elliot worry.”
Rubens’s lips, which had been somewhat firm, gently relaxed as he spoke of Elliot. The touch of the man who swept back his hair saying they needed to get accustomed to contact also belonged to someone else. It wasn’t new. In truth, he’d requested it be kept secret because he wanted a moment just between the two that Elliot didn’t know about, but the answer that came back was truly realistic.
“Do you love Elliot?”
“He’s a lovable person.”
Bernard couldn’t understand why the man met his gaze, why he made such a persistent expression. The only thing he remembered was the single fact that Rubens smiled genuinely while talking about Elliot.
But Bernard remembered an even more profound tenderness. The drunk Rubens had been far kinder than now. He’d soothed him as he cried and kept kissing him, promising a tomorrow that wouldn’t come.
Don’t let me hope. I mustn’t hope.
Bernard was struggling with another round as a stand-in, unable to forget that night. He wanted to snatch a bit of that tenderness from beside Rubens. He felt pathetic about himself.
Unlike his rotten insides, Bernard smiled warmly. It was a smile resembling a flower stem about to break and fall. An expression similar to Elliot’s, yet creating an eerie sense of distance somewhere. And looking at Bernard’s face smiling brightly, Rubens felt a disgust he couldn’t quite describe.
“You might regret tonight……”
At the same time, those words crossed his mind. An unpleasant sense of rejection rotted his insides.
