Chapter 19. So, We (3)
Eating porridge made his body languid.
He didn’t want to do anything, and it was a situation where he couldn’t do anything either, so maybe that’s why. Haesung’s words kept lingering in his ears for no reason.
‘I gave him suppressants and helped him release once with my hand. Is this nothing?’
Words that made even his earlobes hot. His voice and tone, even the expression and look in his eyes from that moment remained clearly in his mind.
‘It’s what you wanted.’
For a moment, the sigh that burst out intensely settled in Dohyeong’s ears again. The instant it penetrated deep into his heart leaving an echo, he irritably kicked off the blanket.
“Stop.”
He muttered briefly and shook his head roughly.
“Stop thinking.”
It was a danger signal. If he kept thinking about Haesung endlessly, he would end up spending all day holding onto his afterimage. Having lived like that before made this current situation all the more unwelcome.
Dohyeong, who sat up grumbling, glared at the door with sharp eyes.
“So, why… why.”
His moving lips trembled. His eyelids became hot as if he would cry at any moment.
“Why, only when I’m at my weakest.”
It was the same long ago. To him who was struggling somehow to continue challenging himself by going between short dramas and theater, Haesung comforted him like warm sunlight.
That he could do it. That he had enough potential, so don’t give up. At the time, it might have simply been encouragement.
But to Dohyeong in that moment, Haesung’s words were a signpost and a lifeline. The only breathing space that held him up so he could barely survive.
“Why, always…”
In the end, he couldn’t hold back the rising sorrow. The moment he took a big breath with both hands covering his face, he felt hot streams flowing down his cheeks.
He was always the only one who reached dead ends.
He was also the only one who couldn’t move and ended up sitting down.
In the end, Kim Dohyeong was also the only one who had to escape from there and run toward the light with all his strength.
His tender shoulders heaved pitifully, then he just collapsed onto the bed. The streams pouring endlessly were soaking the pillowcase, but Dohyeong couldn’t get up from his position.
Jung Haesung. Chewing and swallowing that resentful yet lovable name in his mouth and diluting it was the best he could do.
***
Deciding to look around the house might have been the wrong thing to do.
The dressing room he had used. Looking through each room where they would read scripts and practice made his chest feel stuffy.
He thought the world only changed differently from what he saw.
But there were things that remained the same even though they had changed. Right here, like this place that used to be his and Dohyeong’s home.
Certainly the purpose had changed, the furniture had changed, and the arrangement was not what he knew.
However, the warmth and smell that lingered there remained the same. Kim Dohyeong. It was a warm place where his name naturally came to mind.
He trudged out and sat on the sofa. At first he sat leaning against the back, then flopped over to the side.
“…Even the sofa is the same.”
Now even hollow laughter was coming out. What had changed was just things like the bookshelf that filled Dohyeong’s study to the brim, or the bed he used and a few pieces of furniture.
And the purpose of the room they used ‘together’, or the purpose of the room Haesung used alone.
Other than that, it was exactly as Haesung had left it when he filled it. As if he was slowly erasing the traces of Haesung’s life there, or as if he still didn’t have the courage to erase them.
They say people live by eating memories, and that seems to be true.
Old memories that came to mind while looking around the house made his chest tighten. Feeling like he couldn’t breathe properly, he took deep breaths several times and repeated chewing over things.
“Dohyeong.”
The moment he casually called the name, hollow laughter burst out without him knowing.
“I should have called you like this from the start.”
Are you regretting it? Nausea washed over him at the question he asked himself.
“…Do I even qualify?”
He shook his head. When he raised his body and tilted his view back, he could see the sparkling marble ceiling.
“I don’t regret it.”
He had to pull himself together. Only by giving himself conviction that it was absolutely not like that could he escape from the emotions flooding in.
Then he suddenly realized. The fact that if he remained trapped by the smell that stung his nose and the warmth that touched his skin, he could never escape.
Hastily taking out his phone, he wrote a message to send to Wootae. He had to act the moment he made up his mind. If he didn’t, it was obvious he would hesitate until the end.
Manager Ji Wootae (Dohyeong)
Dohyeong’s heat cycle has come. I barely managed to suppress it with suppressants, but it seems more dangerous if I stay. Please come to the house right away. Manager Ji.
After pressing the send button, he let out another sigh. It was clearly the right thing to do, but he didn’t know why one corner of his chest felt so stuffy.
He was trying to somehow understand this situation where he had to leave Dohyeong’s side.
Manager Ji Wootae (Dohyeong)
I’ll go now
Haesung got up from his seat as soon as he confirmed Wootae’s message.
His role ended here. If he went further, it was obvious he would be swept away to a point of no return.
He snatched the clothes he had draped over the sofa and strode toward the entrance. Just a couple more steps and he’d be done.
His hesitating heart seemed unable to leave Dohyeong’s side yet. It stuck to the floor and grabbed both his ankles.
“…I should say goodbye.”
How ridiculous. Even if he just left the house, Dohyeong wouldn’t miss him or feel disappointed. Why couldn’t he even move his feet?
Standing there hesitating for a while, after much deliberation he slowly turned around.
“Let me just see his face before I go.”
Yeah, that’s all.
Not as actors Jung Haesung and Kim Dohyeong, but as Jung Haesung who had shared time and lived together, even briefly, he wanted to face Kim Dohyeong.
What a twisted nature. When he wanted something, he had to act on it, and if he didn’t, it wouldn’t satisfy him.
Letting out hollow laughter, he moved his feet. Standing in front of Dohyeong’s room and hesitating for a while, he knocked on the door.
“Kim Dohyeong.”
Why did the name he casually spoke feel so hot? The inside of his lips heated up hotly. The heated emotions going down his throat made his chest churn.
Even such emotions would be a luxury for him.
Hesitating for a while, he knocked on the door with difficulty. Knock. Knock. Some part of the fist knocking with steady strength seemed to have become hard as stone.
“Dohyeong.”
Still there was no answer. Wondering if he might have fallen asleep, he carefully turned the handle and entered the room.
Dohyeong, buried deep in the blanket, was sleeping curled up in a ball.
“Still the same.”
The words that popped out were unfamiliar but familiar. It was a scene he had always seen, but when that was became so distant that he felt awkward.
Even knowing they were in a relationship where he could no longer approach, Haesung slowly moved his steps and sat on one side of the bed.
Soft hair was disheveled carelessly. Through it, he could see tightly closed eyes and long eyelashes, and hear peaceful breathing sounds.
Once upon a time, he had loved this subtle stability that Dohyeong brought very much. Like looking at a calmly flowing sky, like catching his breath for a moment in the wind brushing his cheek.
There seemed to have been a time when the emotion called ‘love’ definitely existed. Haesung, who was quietly recalling past events, ended up laughing.
Yuchan’s words weren’t wrong.
‘How has Kim Dohyeong been living?’
“Without even knowing how you’ve been living.”
‘How has Kim Dohyeong endured to get this far?’
“How you endured, how you’re going to endure. I had no interest at all.”
‘You don’t have the right to say such things.’
“…So I don’t have the right. Probably not.”
Putting bitter words in his mouth, he carefully stroked his hair. Seeing that there was still heat in his body, it seemed his heat cycle hadn’t properly subsided.
He sighed briefly and got up from his seat. If he delayed time here any longer, he felt like he would be tied to Dohyeong’s existence.
He couldn’t make Dohyeong suffer with petty hypocrisy. Until the moment he got up and left his room, Haesung didn’t look back.
When the door was half closed, only then did he stop moving and turn his head slightly.
“Sleep well.”
After giving his last farewell, he carefully closed the door.
Letting out a big sigh, he ran his hand through his hair. He wanted to go home quickly and sleep comfortably too. He couldn’t sleep properly all dawn being tormented by pheromones.
When he was heading to the entrance while pressing his stiff eyes, he heard the sound of entering the password.
Just when he thought Wootae had already come—
“Dohyeong!”
It was Yuchan, not Wootae, who burst through the door.
“…Jung Haesung-ssi?”
Displeased eyes and an expression of disbelief. No, rather an expression of having seen something he shouldn’t have would be more fitting.
“How are you…”
“What happened to Manager Ji and why did Choi Yuchan-ssi come? And how did you know the password…”
“Why are you bringing up Wootae hyung? I came because I was worried about my friend, and I know it because we’re friends. But why is Jung Haesung-ssi here?”
“I…”
“Wootae hyung will be here soon too, so please go back now.”
Yuchan, with his brow deeply furrowed, passed by Haesung and went inside. When he didn’t even look back at his striding figure, only one thing crossed his mind.
‘Choi Yuchan is also an alpha.’
Action didn’t wait for the end of thought.
Haesung quickly turned around, approached Yuchan, and forcefully grabbed his wrist.
“What?”
“Be quiet. Dohyeong is sleeping.”
“Let’s be frank. We’re not in a relationship where we should be touching like this.”
Yuchan was being particularly hostile, and he thought it wasn’t just because his presence was in this house.
It seemed he was reacting to Dohyeong’s pheromones. Haesung’s pheromones often made other alphas sensitive. There had been several times before when he almost got into fights.
Right now, just looking at the hostile emotions Yuchan couldn’t hide, he could tell.
“His heat cycle has come. What do you think will happen if you go into that room here?”
Heat cycle. So it finally came. For a moment, the night when Dohyeong and Jung Haesung had been together came to mind.
That was very unpleasant, so he strongly shook off Haesung’s hand and turned his body toward him.
“Didn’t you go in too? Jung Haesung-ssi can do it, but I can’t?”
At Yuchan’s appearance, unable to control his surging emotions, Haesung snorted. In the end, he spat out the emotions he had tried to endure.
“I’m fine because I’m used to it. From before marriage, I lived next to Dohyeong’s pheromones for over 10 years. So I’m fine.”
It was petty confidence and conceit that at least he could be a harmless person to Dohyeong.
Of course, leaving such problems aside, he would be an extremely harmful person.
“…Ha, a harmless person.”
Yuchan, who burst out in hollow laughter, ran his hand through his hair and glared at Haesung.
He was also selfish for trying to go in even after hearing it was a heat cycle.
But Jung Haesung, who casually brought up past events, was no less selfish.
That stimulated Yuchan’s emotions.
“Are you confident nothing happened?”
At the following question, Haesung’s body flinched for a moment.
Nothing happened. Rather, if something had happened, could this complicated heart have found some direction?
Whether it was simply because of pheromones, or lingering feelings for Dohyeong that he hadn’t realized.
Everyone says he has lingering feelings, but if only he didn’t know, then this…
‘As Manager Do said, it would mean I reacted to Dohyeong’s heat cycle.’
Haesung, who had been thinking quietly, snorted. And stepping back a couple of steps, he shrugged his shoulders.
“Well. I can’t be confident.”
“…Look here.”
“Let’s be careful not to cause unnecessary gossip. I did too.”
After indirectly conveying that he had well endured his instincts as an alpha, Haesung hurriedly left Dohyeong’s house.
Bang! As soon as the loud sound of the door closing rang out, he knelt on both knees and bent his waist. Breathing in as deeply as possible, he pushed fresh outside air deep into his lungs.
He had to somehow erase Dohyeong’s smell. He also had to control the emotions that were dripping enough to be visible to his eyes.
“Get it together.”
Haesung, who was scolding himself, let out a deep sigh.
“Please, get it together. Jung Haesung.”
This is all because of pheromones, because of memories that suddenly flooded in. Haesung dismissed it like that and stood still in that spot for a long time.
Kim Dohyeong. Dohyeong. Even at the moment when he held the name that was repeated many times in his mouth, his rough sighs continued endlessly.
