Chapter 11. Lingering Regret Stems from Remorse (1)
Someone once said that finding salvation in another’s words is dangerous.
Getting used to that touch, setting up someone to become a pillar of support where you stand.
“…Thank you.”
Perhaps that’s why he tried even harder. So that even if someone reached out to him, he wouldn’t get used to that warmth. It’s also true that he endured somehow because he never wanted to repeat the sight of himself collapsing alone again.
But in this moment, the feelings Yuchan conveyed shake all those resolutions.
In the end, he lowered his head deeply to gather those emotions.
“Still, it’s a bit contradictory. I helped you because I didn’t like seeing you struggle, but if I get involved with you again…”
At Yuchan’s hesitant voice, Dohyeong raised his head.
“If I get entangled in the past again, I’ll never be able to escape. As I told you, I’ve made many efforts all this time, and I even struggled desperately to break free, but if I get trapped there again… this time I feel like I’d really meet a cliff.”
Looking at such Dohyeong, Yuchan had to swallow his bitter feelings once more.
He had never learned what expression to make at times like this, what kind of response would encourage him.
Though he wasn’t particularly gifted at encouraging and comforting people, he thought he had enough ability for that.
At least when Dohyeong seemed about to collapse, he held him up; when he wavered, he supported him; when he couldn’t find his bearings, he helped find the path together.
But why now, why couldn’t he say anything and just kept his mouth shut like a fool?
“And actually, since it’s honorable, it’s fine. What’s the big deal between friends? I can definitively assert that those emotions that come out in articles will never exist. Right?”
He was captivated by Dohyeong’s smiling words. He felt like he’d been hit in the head and couldn’t speak.
It wasn’t wrong. An unquestionable friendship. So it would be right to be confident no matter how the reporters talked.
That would all be true.
“…Right, probably.”
Why did agreeing immediately feel so difficult?
“You’re right.”
Even though he was nodding and smiling, it didn’t seem like he was smiling. The corners of his mouth were trembling.
“Dohyeong, you’re right.”
Speaking as if making a resolution again was to steady his heart that was getting ahead of itself.
He nodded several more times.
Yeah, that’s right. After forcibly swallowing the last reaffirming words, he gripped his shoulder tightly and let go.
“Still, don’t do that from next time. I know well that you’re the only person who thinks about me, but getting caught up in gossip over something with no possibility is a bit…”
Something with no possibility.
Those words made his heart sting. Yuchan forced a smile and nodded. Though he was speaking indirectly, it must mean he didn’t like it.
Wanting to change the atmosphere, he asked with a bright smile while being playful.
“Let’s go, shall we eat dinner together?”
“Ah, sorry. I’m supposed to meet my family today. I told them I’d treat them big after the production announcement was over.”
“Okay, then have a good time with them. Eating with me can be postponed to next time.”
“We’ll see each other again soon anyway. We’re filming the drama together, so let’s see each other then.”
“Right, then.”
Yuchan barely smiled and nodded. Aren’t we seeing each other before then? He wanted to ask, but there was no way he wouldn’t know what Dohyeong knew.
The fact that there would be no big problem filming <Glass Holding Stars> only after finishing all the piled-up schedules.
In the end, he could only watch Dohyeong. He swallowed down even the greeting of “see you next time.”
If he reached out even now, he could catch him, but his mind went blank thinking about what would follow after. Only his heart, unable to extend even one finger, stood tall beside Dohyeong.
Click, as soon as the door closed, he collapsed to the floor.
“…What the hell do I want?”
He exhaled his confused feelings in a sigh. Yuchan’s face was stiffly hardened as he ran his hands through his hair.
***
It was good that he went.
He thought it was much better than suffering alone inside.
After exchanging a slight nod with Yuchan’s manager who was returning to the waiting room, he approached Wootae.
“Did the conversation go well?”
“Yeah, it ended well.”
“Why were you so angry like that? Even I was scared watching.”
“…When did I ever—”
He was about to say he only got angry because of that, but shut his mouth tight. Just a moment ago, Yuchan had told him never to think such thoughts.
Wootae, who had been watching such Dohyeong, shook his head.
“By the way, Choi Yuchan is amazing too. How does he say such things there? If speculative articles pour out, it’ll be tiring for both sides. What if the company representative gets furious again?”
“That’s what I’m saying. If he says such things and causes misunderstandings here and there…”
He couldn’t finish speaking because of Haesung’s appearance as soon as they turned the corner. Leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, he was looking at Dohyeong with furrowed brows.
He had to pass by as if it were nothing. Pretending not to see, pretending not to make eye contact. In his mind, he pictured himself gracefully passing by Haesung’s side…
But reality was different.
“Hey, Dohyeong.”
If Wootae hadn’t called him, he probably would have stayed there for a long time, staring at Haesung.
“Huh? Oh, let’s go, hyung.”
He barely managed to walk. As he tried to naturally pass in front of Haesung, he felt a grip tightly grabbing his wrist.
Startled, he turned his head and met his coldly sunken gaze.
His heart dropped with a thud. It was definitely a gaze in his memory. It was similar to the look he had experienced at some point.
“Let’s talk. Kim Dohyeong-ssi.”
The somewhat businesslike tone and high-handed attitude were also no different from those days.
“Didn’t you say you had nothing to do with Choi Yuchan-ssi?”
He was at a loss for words. At least he should give him time to answer.
He didn’t want to be swayed by Haesung’s words anymore. Though he was someone who showed interest in him to a puzzling degree, he had no intention of being swept along.
“Yes, we have nothing to do with each other.”
“From what I saw, it didn’t look like nothing.”
At Haesung’s words, Dohyeong pressed his lips hard. Struggling to gather the emotions welling up, he roughly shook off his arm.
“What does that have to do with Jung Haesung-ssi? Even if I have some relationship with Choi Yuchan-ssi, there’s no reason for Jung Haesung-ssi to worry about it.”
Haesung’s mouth closed tightly. His shaken pupils and clearly flustered expression revealed his feelings nakedly.
But Dohyeong stepped back with an upright attitude.
“Please don’t grab people like this from now on. If we encounter a reporter, it won’t only be troublesome for me.”
Dohyeong, who had been quietly watching Haesung who said nothing, bowed his head. Then he only left behind a brief parting word: “Thank you for your hard work.”
Even while riding in the car and driving down the road, what filled Dohyeong’s head was Haesung’s eyes that had shaken as if flustered.
Why was that?
To Dohyeong, Haesung was a tree that didn’t shake even in strong winds. Sometimes small branches swayed and leaves bumped into each other, but that was all.
To Dohyeong looking up at the tree from below, even small noises never properly reached him.
He always handled, resolved, and managed things himself. He had never shown Dohyeong his stories, complaints, or worries.
‘Didn’t you say you had nothing to do with each other?’
Haesung’s face asking that didn’t seem like the person he knew, bringing a sense of alienation along with doubt.
Of course, he knew well how useless this emotion was. Something he didn’t need to dig into himself. That kind of person.
He knew it was something he should quickly shake off from his mind, but Haesung’s image was precisely stuck in his brain and wouldn’t fall away.
“Hey, Kim Dohyeong!”
As he was continuing his thoughts, he was startled by Wootae’s booming voice and turned his head.
“Huh? Oh, why?”
“I called you several times but you didn’t listen. What are you thinking about so hard?”
“Um… it’s nothing.”
“Really, I asked if you could go to your family home today. Man.”
Ah, Dohyeong, who had sighed briefly, took out his phone and checked messages. Then he smiled awkwardly and shook his head.
“They’re already home. I can just go home.”
“Okay, I’ll drop you off before I go, so eat lots of delicious food. No, no. Eat moderately. They said the pictorial shoot starts the day after tomorrow. Everyone’s schedules didn’t match, so the day after tomorrow is the only time that works. You can’t have a swollen face, so moderately. Got it? Moderately!”
“I got it. Don’t worry.”
Dohyeong, who had been answering playfully, sighed deeply and leaned back in his chair. And he slowly closed his eyes.
What dimly came to mind each time was Haesung’s gaze. Why did he look at him like that? Why was he so obsessed with asking about his relationship with Yuchan?
Previously, he never cared what he did with whom.
It was impossible that he had seen the photos uploaded on SNS day and night, but even assuming he had seen them, Haesung never said anything to him.
Like who that person was, or where he met them. Even words he might say once didn’t come back to him.
He was just someone who focused more on completely tending to his own fence he had built.
But why, when everything was not only over but had collapsed, was he so curious about him?
The end of his doubt ultimately settled on the phone call that came to him the night before. Why, at such a moment, did he seek him out and confuse him?
As Dohyeong chewed on his resentment, he slightly turned his head to the side. His eyes, which had been watching the outside passing by quickly for a while, were subtly rippling.
