Before long, Gu Haebin, who let out a meaningless sigh, approached closely. He rummaged through his pockets, then carelessly tossed the wallet onto the table. When he was mindlessly following with his eyes the trajectory of it sliding from the friction and barely stopping just before falling, it happened.
Along with a rustling sound, this time a small, square piece of paper fell silently onto the table.
It was a photo. He immediately knew where it came from. Because it was something he always carried around in his wallet.
“Explain.”
So this was the main point. Eunha, whose expression instantly became unwelcoming, held his breath. He didn’t want to answer, but because the piercing gaze kept poking at his cheek, he had no choice but to open his mouth.
“……What.”
“Why are you carrying this around?”
“Why are you going through someone else’s wallet?”
“Don’t deflect. What is this?”
“……”
“Why are you carrying around a photo taken with Kim Jiwoon?”
Kim Jiwoon. It was a name he hadn’t heard in a long time. Though it was always familiar inside him, it had truly been a long time since he recognized it as a sound.
Because he hated it, because just hearing it made his insides churn, he averted his gaze. As if it was nothing.
“What do you mean why am I carrying it around. There’s no reason. Just……”
“Just, what.”
“……That’s my answer. Just.”
“Where is there ‘just,’ fuck.”
It was a caustic tone. The eyes looking down were also blazing. The guy whose impression wasn’t good to begin with deliberately put on weight, creating quite a fierce atmosphere. However, Eunha knew it wasn’t just getting angry.
It was a face that couldn’t understand. Furthermore, it was a face trying somehow to understand even a little. As if trying to read something inside Eunha.
Before long, he gave up and furrowed his brow irritably. Ahhh, he messed up his hair roughly.
“Lee Eunha.”
“……”
“What are you really thinking as you live?”
“……What do you mean.”
“I got goosebumps as soon as I saw the photo. Why are you carrying that around? I really thought you’d gone crazy.”
Carrying around a photo with an ex-lover. He thought it wasn’t such a big problem, but looking back at the past, it seemed like it was a problem. It seemed even more problematic in that it had already been 3 years since they broke up.
So even as anger rose toward Gu Haebin for rummaging through his wallet without permission, Eunha had nothing to say as if he had become a criminal.
“……I understand what you’re worried about, but whatever it is, it’s all a leap. A misunderstanding.”
“You know what I’m thinking.”
“That I still can’t forget that hyung, that I miss him…… You’re making those strange assumptions, aren’t you?”
“You’re saying you’re not?”
“Are you asking a question, really……”
“Then explain why you’re carrying it around.”
“I said there’s no ‘why.’ Just. Really…… There’s no meaning. It’s nothing, and it’s not any kind of issue. It’s not something to be this serious about.”
“Carrying around a photo of a bastard you dated for 5 years and broke up with because he cheated, until now, is not any kind of issue.”
“……”
“The fact that because of that you didn’t leave the house for half a year and lived like an idiot, is that only in my memory?”
That had happened. And Gu Haebin was the one who watched that whole process. That’s why he had nothing to say like this.
Because he knew how much Gu Haebin had worried about him back then. He was more shocked than the person involved, paid attention, and took care of him. While devoting a considerable portion of his own time.
If it hadn’t been for him, honestly he didn’t know how far he would have fallen apart. So there was no way words like meddling, or presumptuous interference, could come out.
“I understand what you’re worried about, but it’s really not what you’re thinking, so don’t be angry.”
“I’m not trying to be angry, this……”
Gu Haebin, who swallowed the curse that was about to continue, looked away sharply as if suppressing his frustration. While supporting his waist with both hands.
Eunha, who had been looking at that figure with difficulty, sat down on the spot as if he had no choice. As if waiting for an answer, he gazed at Gu Haebin who showed no sign of moving for a while, then hugged both his knees.
“……To be precise, I didn’t deliberately carry it around, I just didn’t throw away what was originally in there.”
“Why didn’t you throw it away?”
“Because I didn’t feel the need to throw it away.”
When he answered calmly, he immediately turned around and shot him an accusatory look.
“You call that an answer, right now……”
“The photo didn’t do anything wrong.”
“……”
“Regardless of how that bastard was at the end…… That time up until then wasn’t wrong.”
He was a person who occupied half of his twenties. Perhaps even more than that.
They shared countless firsts together, and shared everything. Even though the ending was bad, there were many good memories. There were many things he taught him. If he deleted such a person, that era of Eunha’s would have nothing left, like crudely chopping the middle of a pillar.
That’s why he couldn’t throw it away. Even in the house where he originally lived, his traces were still scattered everywhere, and it was the same. Even if he stopped going to that house, he couldn’t dispose of everything inside it. Because it felt like throwing away his entire existence.
It felt empty.
“……That’s just all there is to it. I wondered if it was really something to go to such lengths to desperately throw away while being so disgusted. I wondered if it was really to that extent.”
“……”
“And well…… incidentally, sometimes when I remember, I look at it and curse him a bit.”
“I already fucking cursed the flesh off him. I asked my mom’s close shaman friend.”
“……That’s funny.”
“Seems like a joke.”
Eunha let out a hazy laugh.
“……Anyway, it’s really not what you’re worried about. I’m really not some kind of idiot. There’s no way that hyung could still…… be anything to me. That doesn’t make sense.”
“……”
“That really, doesn’t make sense.”
He doesn’t look at it often in the first place. He just left it stuck in there. He forgets about it in daily life.
“I’m fine, Gu Haebin.”
“……”
“I’m perfectly fine.”
As he repeatedly denied and explained, Gu Haebin gradually softened the momentum he had been pressing with. Rather than fully understanding, it was closer to resignation in the sense of ‘what more can I say when you’re saying that.’
A low sigh flowed.
“I’ll believe you for now.”
“It’s not ‘I’ll believe you,’ I’m saying it’s not like that.”
“I will believe you, but. Lee Eunha.”
“……”
“If something seems off, just tell me.”
“……”
“Please. I’m begging you. Your silence scares me the most. I’m afraid one day I’ll suddenly get a text notification of your obituary from somewhere.”
He should laugh and reproach him for what kind of nonsense exaggeration that was, what kind of out-of-the-blue leap that was, but those words didn’t come out. Laughter didn’t come either.
He couldn’t even force a laugh, so he buried his forehead in his knees as if turning away.
“Haebin-ah. I don’t want to have this kind of talk with you.”
He didn’t want to have heavy conversations. He didn’t want to dig into such stories with his friend. Because it felt like his pathetic and shabby aspects were being displayed unbearably nakedly.
Phew. A familiar sigh disappeared behind his back.
