Though Eunha was wary of and rejected emotions beyond goodwill that arose between partners, even he couldn’t help but harbor some feelings within the relationship. Naturally. Because during the time they met, that person became the closest and most intimate existence to Eunha.
As time went by, affection developed, and considerable familiarity grew as well. Of course, he drew the line and didn’t go beyond that, but when mentally strained, there was no telling how it might transform. Or he might throw what Gu Haebin had dubbed a ‘shitfit’……
He didn’t want to cause that kind of trouble. He didn’t want to become unsightly…. There was nothing as terrible as recognizing such an ugly self.
It happened to be when Jeong Taegeon’s trivial actions were gradually becoming uncomfortable, so it could be said to be timely.
‘Say that again.’
Right after Eunha’s statement, Jeong Taegeon immediately changed his eyes and pressed him. When he spoke with a face that had cooled sharply, Eunha answered clearly again, and then he fell into a brief silence with an even sharper face. Then he laughed shortly as if absurd. From that twisted laughter, Eunha intuited it. This time too, they wouldn’t be able to part nicely.
‘So, you’re playing with me right now?’
‘If you were planning to end it, why spread your legs. Eat this and leave, is that it? Is it?’
‘This fucking… you’re treating me like an idiot.’
That was Jeong Taegeon’s main point. That he’d been played with. Though that wasn’t his intention at all.
‘You really know how to string people along, Lee Eunha?’
After that, they fought for two straight hours. At the beginning, he’d responded calmly even to aggressive speech, but as he thought about it, he got angry and raised his voice together. It was an irritating feeling. The situation of having to fight itself was irritating.
Couldn’t they end it on good terms.
They hadn’t been dating, and arguing wouldn’t produce any meaningful result in the relationship, and all they’d do was turn away with hurt feelings—so why cause conflict. He couldn’t understand.
Even though they’d agreed when they started meeting. To treat each other only as partners, and to part cleanly when breaking up.
Back then, Jeong Taegeon had snorted at Eunha’s request. Saying he was stating the obvious. That he absolutely hated that kind of thing. At the time, that was good. He’d thought that maybe this time he could have a clean, mature relationship.
But now, what the hell is this mess…….
He recalled the officetel that had become a disaster zone. Whether it was fortunate or not in the midst of misfortune, no physical fight broke out, but Jeong Taegeon, unable to control his anger, smashed a standing lamp. He also threw his own phone carelessly on the floor. Then, as if holding back anger, he straightened his sternomastoid muscles while holding his waist and closed his eyes tightly. Even that felt threatening to Eunha.
The flow of conversation erupting violently was absurd, and disgust rose at the fact that he was standing as the main character in such a violent situation. The man he’d thought he’d become quite intimate with while sticking together for a while felt as uncomfortable as a complete stranger. After all the affection fell away, he no longer had the will to talk, so when they entered a brief lull, he just gathered his belongings and left the house.
‘When I’m actually the homeowner.’
He’d chosen that because it seemed faster than sending him out, but his position of running out as if fleeing in the middle of the night and walking wherever his feet took him couldn’t help but be laughable.
Eunha, who had been reviewing the storm-like moment just before, took a deep breath. Because the area around his chest was tightening stuffily. Because he felt like vomiting something up.
Why did it turn out like this again. Only that thought came to mind and his mood ran toward the worst.
After staring at the distant night sky, he impulsively pulled out his phone. He called Gu Haebin. When something bad happened, Gu Haebin was the only person Eunha could open his heart to. If he could spit out even a few words, it felt like he could catch his breath.
The ringtone continued for a long time. Just when he was about to hang up thinking he might be asleep since he wasn’t answering, there was a click—the call connected.
– Hello. Why.
And Eunha regretted it as soon as he heard Gu Haebin’s answer. Because within the calmly lowered voice, there was exhilaration he hadn’t been able to fully compose, roughly laid out.
Eunha, who realized in an instant what he’d been doing, crumpled his lips as if disgusted. No, why answer the phone. Just ignore it….
“…You seem busy.”
– What’s wrong?
He asked first without saying anything. Eunha quietly closed his lips that had been parted. It was midnight. Not exactly an appropriate time to take a friend’s call.
But what’s wrong…… At that immediate concern, he suddenly snapped to his senses as if doused with cold water.
Eunha, who swallowed the complaint he was about to spit out as his heart desired, pointlessly rubbed the back of his neck.
“No. I’m tired from drinking but want to go home comfortably. It’s annoying to call a driver too….”
– …Crazy bastard. Does he think I’m his chauffeur.
“But catching the outside air is sobering me up.”
– Where are you.
“What if I tell you. Hang up. Sorry for calling at a late hour.”
– Hey…..
Eunha, who fluently drew out lies, ended the call before Gu Haebin could continue speaking. He consistently ignored the calls that came right back several times. What a funny guy. To think of calling in the midst of that…..
Then he shook his head vigorously. Recognizing a friend’s extremely private night, even indirectly, was a very awkward matter.
Eunha, who had been dragging his feet sluggishly with a mood that had become much more stuffy, suddenly let out a chuckle. It was a laugh filled with self-mockery. As if causing trouble with a sex partner wasn’t enough, doing the pathetic act of contacting a friend in the middle of the night with the intention of venting emotions.
Even though he clearly knew that Gu Haebin was particularly sensitive to his well-being.
“Why am I living life like this……”
Self-mockery kept bursting out at his own pathetic appearance. It was familiar self-loathing. Even while carrying out daily life ordinarily without much thought, with just a slight crack, the inside became miserably ruined like this. The sediment that had been settled well at the bottom swirled up and his head became cluttered. Criticism toward himself, self-deprecating phrases endlessly surged up.
On the other hand, he was also conversely submerged in endless lethargy.
I don’t have the will to live life passionately anyway. A life already lived carelessly—doesn’t it not really matter how distorted it becomes…….
It was ironic that what he saw along the way happened to be a university, a convergence of passion. Walking a bit more, Daehak-ro appeared. Though it was late night heading toward dawn, the streets were still bustling. More than half of the shops lining each alley were open for business. Going just one station toward the subway station, there was another university. Because the commercial district around there wasn’t particularly developed, it was an especially bustling area where many people gathered.
Still though. Wasn’t it exam period these days? Eunha walked aimlessly while carefully gauging the university midterm season. He didn’t want to return to the officetel, but he didn’t want to go home either. He thought he might drink heavily for once in a while. He wanted to shake off the harmful thoughts tearing through his head.
Eunha, who chose to become more seriously pathetic while he was at it being pitifully maudlin, headed to a convenience store. He paid for three bottles of soju and one energy bar and came outside. He sat at a worn parasol table and immediately opened a bottle cap. After that, it was a quick battle.
Without even thinking of accompanying it with roughly visible snacks, blowing on the bottle caused him to quickly become tipsy. Whenever his eyes met with people occasionally passing through the alley, Eunha clung to drinking more desperately. Not long after quickly downing two bottles at a fast pace, his head started to sway. He quite liked the feeling of his five senses floating up and his body and mind loosening drowsily. He wanted to lose consciousness just like this.
