Chapter 99
Yu Hyunjae… He slightly furrowed his brow before opening his eyes with an expression that seemed to say, “What nonsense is this now?”
“What are you suddenly talking about?”
“I mean exactly what I said. If I just quit, I won’t need to use mana, and if I don’t use mana, I won’t have to be held captive by Hansung…”
“You… can you really do that?”
“Huh? Why?”
“Why are you suddenly trying to let go of it?”
Yu Hyunjae wore an expression as if he himself was being let go. Rather than him, I was the surprised one, busy examining his expression and making various excuses.
“No, it’s just a thought that suddenly came to me… I didn’t expect you to react like this.”
“Did I misunderstand what this means to you?”
“That’s not it…”
“Why did you suddenly have such a thought? What happened when you went into the Gate?”
“Nothing… really, nothing happened.”
“It couldn’t have been nothing.”
Yu Hyunjae’s eyes were troubled personified. Even if I tried to explain, the system would block me anyway… I pondered how to explain my change of heart.
“Well.”
I continued speaking, anticipating the system’s appearance.
“I thought that the world I knew… isn’t all there is.”
Contrary to my expectations, the system remained quiet. I carefully continued, using the most ambiguous expressions possible.
“I realized that the world I took for granted actually isn’t something to be taken for granted…”
“…Okay.”
Yu Hyunjae listened to my story with a serious face. Looking at him, I suddenly felt grateful. Would there ever be anyone else who would listen with such a serious expression to words that anyone would dismiss as absurd? That’s the kind of thought I had.
“Why did you start thinking that way?”
“Huh? Well… I,”
I took a deep breath. The system was still quiet. I resolved to say what I wanted to say. Because that was the action I most ‘wanted’ to take right now.
“I… thought this world was a pre-determined novel. I thought that no matter how much I struggled, I would only move according to the settings within it. The same applied to you as well. That’s why I thought I could only live like this and nothing else.”
After saying this much, I was surprised at myself and opened my eyes wide. Despite saying such things, the system remained quiet. Out of habit, I looked around. Checking if the background was turning gray. Yu Hyunjae was quietly watching me.
“…I see.”
“…That, what I mean is.”
“Yes.”
“I… I,”
Tears suddenly started flowing without warning. I couldn’t even wipe away the tears that were streaming down my face, dripping onto the floor. Yu Hyunjae slowly approached and caressed my face.
“I… really thought I had to live like this to survive.”
“Yes, keep talking.”
“So… I kept…”
“Yes. Chanhee. You can speak slowly.”
“…I died. When I did what I wanted to do, I kept dying…”
“Died?”
“Yes. I kept dying. And I kept returning to the same point…”
Somehow understanding my muffled pronunciation, Yu Hyunjae continuously stroked my face.
“…So, it was too…”
“…”
“Too, hard…”
I blurted out the words I most wanted to say, as if vomiting them. Yu Hyunjae held me tightly. The moment I buried my face in his embrace, I began to sob loudly. I didn’t know how long it had been since I’d let myself cry so freely. Yu Hyunjae was also crying, his shoulders trembling subtly.
“It was hard…”
“I’m sorry, Chanhee. I’m sorry.”
“It was really hard…”
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”
I shook my head. Yu Hyunjae held me even tighter. Even while crying, I kept wondering if this situation was real, not a dream. Why had I suffered alone for years when I could confess so easily like this? And why was the system allowing me this situation only now? Whatever the reason, I was purely feeling the joy of having shared my deepest self with Yu Hyunjae, and the embarrassment of not being able to contain the negative emotions that were pouring out like vomit.
*
When Yu Hyunjae went to get water for a moment, I quietly called out to the system in the air. As expected, the system was logged into administrator mode. Yes, when I was the administrator, that is, when I was recognized as Yu Dohyun, I could perform all actions without any restrictions. It was paradoxical. That I could only be free when I wasn’t myself.
“Drink some water, Chanhee.”
“Thanks.”
“Are you okay? Not feeling dizzy?”
“…Yeah. What about you?”
“…I didn’t cry much.”
Yu Hyunjae answered as if making an excuse. Even with my face all red, I couldn’t hold back my laughter and ended up smiling. Yu Hyunjae sat down next to me with a slightly embarrassed expression.
“I believe everything you said.”
“Yeah.”
“The things I sometimes felt about you.”
“About me?”
“Yes. There were such things.”
“…What were they?”
“Sometimes with you…”
“Yes?”
“I saw Dohyun hyung.”
“…Hyung?”
“Yes. But you talked about Dohyun hyung as if you really didn’t know him. It was strange. He’s clearly your brother, and you must have spent more time with him than with me during your childhood. It was strange that you only understood stories about Dohyun hyung through me.”
“I see.”
“It’s strange, right? You treat your brother as if you don’t know him at all, but I could see his image in you. Even I, who only saw him for about a year, could tell.”
“Cha Suhyun once said something similar.”
“Suhyun hyung?”
“Yeah. He said I was like Yu Dohyun. Even said our cologne was identical.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. That hyung… he liked our hyung.”
“…I see.”
Yu Hyunjae nodded. After a while of silence, Yu Hyunjae slowly opened his mouth again.
“And whenever I saw hyung in you, you always struggled.”
“I did?”
“Yes. You struggled a lot. You might not have noticed it yourself. That’s why I tried not to talk about hyung in front of you.”
What did it mean that I looked like Yu Dohyun? Did they feel that way when they saw me moving as the system directed? Before my thoughts could continue, Yu Hyunjae posed another question to me.
“What was I like in your lives?”
“You?”
“Yes. Me.”
“The same.”
“The same?”
“Always following me around. Crying.”
“I cried?”
“You cried a lot when you were young. And.”
“I liked you?”
I nodded. Despite my tears having stopped, I could feel heat rushing to my face. I cooled my face with my cold hands.
“That’s a relief.”
“If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have liked you either.”
“Yes. I would have liked you every time too.”
“That’s cheesy.”
“These kinds of feelings are supposed to be cheesy.”
“Huh,” I let out a laugh. Yu Hyunjae’s face as he laughed after giving such an old-man-like answer… I still liked it so much.
“Then you liked me every time too?”
“Since I liked you…”
“…”
“I guess that’s why I stayed with you even while dying each time.”
Yu Hyunjae blinked and looked down at me silently. I scratched my cheek, pretending to be distracted.
“Then I must have been happy every time.”
“Not necessarily.”
“I guess not. Because the Yu Hyunjae there doesn’t have Yu Chanhee anymore.”
Yu Hyunjae hugged me tightly.
“This life’s Yu Hyunjae will never, ever lose Yu Chanhee.”
“Yes. I’m going to try that too.”
Try to break this wretched cycle left by Yu Dohyun. I intuitively felt that to do so, I would need to meet Yu Dohyun again.
*
[Welcome, Administrator.]
[You can control all settings now.]
[To see the goal achievement rate, press 1; to see the user’s critical values, press 2; to modify the goal, press 3; to manage user settings, press 0; to exit, please say ‘exit’.]
“Modify goal.”
[3. Briefing the user’s goal.]
[The goal you set for user Yu Chanhee is ‘Death’. If you wish to modify the goal, please say ‘modify’. Note, if the goal is modified, the achievement rate will be reset to 0%! Please consider carefully before deciding.]
“Does resetting mean going back to childhood?”
[Reset means returning to the starting point. Please remember the user’s beginning.]
Starting from eight years old. I didn’t think this would be the real solution. In other words, I wanted a true separation from Yu Dohyun, not freedom within this system. To do that, I had only one option left.
