Chapter 7
Only after experiencing the same beginning for the third time did I vaguely realize that this life was a curse, not an opportunity. But I still had a glimmer of hope left. No one would live just to die, right? I decided to avoid my death points from my previous lives. First was the mysterious <Do you want to break free? Y/N>, and second was that madman who asked “Yu Hyunjae?” and then stabbed me with a knife.
If I let my mind wander even a little, I recalled being choked by Cha Suhyun, and if I relaxed, I felt phantom pain in my stomach where I’d been stabbed. I endured it. If I didn’t hold Hyunjae’s hand from the beginning, nothing would happen. So I thoroughly ignored Hyunjae. Though it pained me to see the pitiful Hyunjae who kept his distance and only gazed at me from afar when I ignored him, time passed somehow.
I meticulously prepared to avoid entanglement with Hyunjae. I hoped my existence would have no influence on his life. So I maintained an indifferent relationship, neither showing hostility nor affection. That seemed to be the best choice to some extent, as I safely passed the point where I’d died in my previous life. It was fortunate. After barely getting through a day that felt like walking on thin ice, I lay down on my bed. I deliberately ignored the sound of Hyunjae sobbing slightly in the next room after receiving his “no-ability” assessment. But that didn’t mean my heart didn’t ache. I closed my eyes.
No, I thought I closed them. But those horrible letters were blinking in front of my eyes again.
<Do you want to continue? Y/N>
What? What does that even mean? I couldn’t answer that ambiguous question. My body began to tremble at that unfriendly inquiry. Like an animal facing slaughter, I stupidly began to cry. Depending on my answer to this question, I could die. Though I’d died twice, no, three times already, death was still terrifying. The letters began to blink faster and faster.
“I want to live.”
I barely squeezed out those words. It was such an ordinary yet desperate wish. As if hearing my words, the letters suddenly stopped.
“Please let me live.”
The letters disappeared. I couldn’t move my body, as if I were having sleep paralysis. What if someone came into the room and killed me? Would they let me live since I said I wanted to? Such extreme despair and hope alternated in my mind. After a long time, when nothing happened, my body gradually began to relax. It seemed like I’d passed through today at least. Today. I slowly fell asleep. Without having the nightmares I’d been having every day, very deeply. So deeply that I couldn’t resurface.
But I opened my eyes back at that time again.
It was the fourth beginning.
I couldn’t think of anything. I no longer had the heart to contemplate what the problem was or what was wrong. Now I turned away from the disgustingly terrifying young Hyunjae and started running. Hyunjae’s voice echoed behind me, but I didn’t look back. I didn’t want to see him.
When I asked to live, they killed me.
This world didn’t want me to live. I decided to comply with that wish. I frantically ran out of the house and through the alley. I wasn’t even wearing shoes. Soon, my feet began to bleed a little. I couldn’t feel the pain. I ran up to a nearby old building. After opening the rooftop door, I immediately jumped onto the railing. That’s when someone tightly hugged me around the waist.
“No!”
It was Hyunjae who shouted desperately. Somehow he’d followed me. Hyunjae’s feet, like mine, were covered in blood. I twisted my body.
“Let go!”
“What’s wrong, what’s wrong…”
Hyunjae started crying. Chanhee, please, no… I slowly loosened Hyunjae’s hands. The sad crying of the child continued. Hyunjae, with his feeble strength, grabbed my clothes again and cried loudly.
“I’m sorry, Hyunjae.”
I slowly wiped Hyunjae’s tears. Still unable to contain his sadness, Hyunjae hiccupped and accepted my touch. Perhaps because of my calm voice, his crying gradually diminished.
“Chanhee…”
Hyunjae’s pupils suddenly dilated as he tried to call my name. Hyunjae quickly reached out, but we grew farther apart. I slowly fell, cutting through the air. Most cruelly, until I lost consciousness, I kept making eye contact with Hyunjae.
But it seemed that even a death I chose myself wasn’t what the world wanted.
When Hyunjae’s voice, heralding a tedious life, knocked inside my head, and when I slowly opened my eyes again, when I faced him, when I met those worried eyes.
I suddenly felt resentful toward Hyunjae. Since this world revolved around him, I thought the source of my misfortune must all lie with Hyunjae. So as soon as I opened my eyes, I slapped Hyunjae hard on the cheek. It was an outlet for my anger. Hyunjae, who was hit directly, fell down on his butt. I mounted Hyunjae and started hitting him indiscriminately. Hyunjae began to cry. And he said to me:
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Chanhee.”
“Shut up!”
“I was wrong, Chanhee…”
Hyunjae, who kept apologizing to me without even knowing why, made me hate him even more. So I beat Hyunjae nearly to death until Mom came running and separated us. Forcibly isolated because of Mom, I cried all day long. All family members came running to comfort me at the sound of my crying, but it was useless.
It wasn’t just one thing that troubled me. When I closed my eyes, I thought of Cha Suhyun choking me; when I covered my ears, I felt the pain of that blade penetrating my body; and when I closed my mouth, I recalled those short moments of suffering after falling to the ground. I couldn’t sleep either. For fear that I might return to the beginning again if I fell asleep. For fear that someone might come and stab me.
I wanted to live normally, and at the same time, I wanted to rest in peace. I eventually knelt down toward empty space and started begging.
“Please, please…”
With a tearful voice, I spoke to those invisible letters.
“Please save me…”
Mom and Dad entered the room after hearing my voice. Mom grabbed my shoulders and shook me. I didn’t care and continued talking to the empty space.
“Please answer me…”
“Chanhee, please! Why are you like this!”
Mom’s tear-filled screams were incessant, but I ignored them and kept muttering. To my parents, it must have looked quite bizarre. Through the open doorway, Hyunjae, covered in bandages, was looking at me. His face was terrified. It was an expression I’d never seen in my many lives. With flashing eyes, I ran to Hyunjae. Something had occurred to me. I grabbed Hyunjae’s neck firmly as he hesitated.
In my judgment, since this world revolved around Hyunjae, if Hyunjae died, there was a high probability that everything would disappear. If it was the current Hyunjae, who had no ability or power, even I could kill him right away. Because it was a judgment made while half out of my mind, there was no room for moral conscience. I strangled Hyunjae with all my might. Hyunjae struggled painfully. Father grabbed me forcefully. Inevitably separated, I kept saying to Mom:
“Kill him!”
“Chanhee…!”
“Kill him! Please! Please…”
I pleaded again with my hands together. My parents’ expressions gradually hardened. Though they tried to hide it, their faces were filled with fear. I didn’t care and kept holding onto my father’s leg and saying, “If you just kill Hyunjae, I’ll do anything. Please. Please…” I was eventually forcibly confined to my room. I could hear Mom sobbing. I pounded on the door and shouted. The content was mostly insane talk about how Hyunjae must be killed. I kept repeating like a mantra: Hyunjae must be killed. If Hyunjae disappears, I can live. Hyunjae…
All night long, I shouted and called for my parents and Hyunjae. Because I couldn’t sleep, I slapped my cheeks whenever I felt about to fall asleep. But the child’s body easily grew tired. Around dawn, I eventually crouched down against the wall. Instead, I curled up and began to ponder how I could kill Hyunjae. This was probably close to an obsession. Just beyond this wall was Hyunjae. I decided to wait for an opportunity for now. But contrary to expectations, Mom came into the room and sat in front of me.
“Chanhee,”
“Mom…”
I slowly looked up at Mom. Mom also seemed to have not slept at all. Mom slowly embraced me and said nothing for a while. My rough breathing gradually became even. Although fear still lurked around, I remained quietly in Mom’s arms, trying not to show it. Once I calmed down, Mom whispered quietly in my ear.
“Don’t worry, Chanhee.”
“…”
“Mom and Dad will do everything for you.”
Mom stroked my head. With bloodshot eyes, I asked Mom again: Really? Will you listen to me? Mom continued to pat me without saying anything more. Hearing Mom’s suppressed voice, I could easily sense that my parents hated Hyunjae no less than I did now.
“Chanhee, stay quietly in your room and don’t come out, okay?”
I nodded. Preciously embracing her child who looked inhuman, Mom continued to say warm words. What must it feel like to tell your child that you’ll kill someone, like a lullaby? I didn’t care either way; I just wanted all of this to end comfortably. That was all.
That’s when it happened.
Behind Mom’s back, red letters began to appear slowly. It wasn’t a question. It was a warning.
<WARNING>
As if splitting, the letters began to densely surround us. In an instant, the surroundings were filled with warning signs. Before I could feel any emotion, my head felt like it was going to explode with pain. At the same time, there was a ringing in my ears. The unpleasant sound penetrated my head without ceasing. I covered my ears. And I screamed. But because of the ringing, I couldn’t hear anything. My stomach churned, and soon I started to vomit. I closed my eyes tightly. I seemed to have lost consciousness at some point. The ringing that had persisted for several seconds slowly subsided.
“Jjani-ya.”
Ah, this voice.
With a feeling like something in my mind had completely released, I slowly opened my eyes again.
Hyunjae’s curious face was in front of me again. I blinked a few times.
Only then did I vaguely begin to understand.
Everything moves as it’s meant to, and that is the only ending for me that this world allows.
