Chapter 16
We got back to our reserved room around dawn. Like most old rooms, it had that musty smell hanging in the air. I wrinkled my nose without thinking. After all, as Yu Chanhee—someone who’d grown up among South Korea’s upper class—a run-down boarding house like this was bound to feel foreign.
“Will you be okay sleeping here?”
Even though Hyunjae came from the same kind of background as me, he always put my comfort before his own. I nodded deliberately, trying to act like it was no big deal. The cramped room had just two sets of bedding laid out, and at best, an old TV that probably barely got any reception. Since I’d never been much for watching TV anyway, even as a kid, the tiny room we were sharing was filled with nothing but silence.
I cleared my throat awkwardly, feeling strangely self-conscious. Hyunjae, on the other hand, seemed completely at ease as he organized the luggage he’d brought. Despite having no memory of ever traveling before, Hyunjae had packed pretty meticulously. I sat there with my knees pulled together, watching him with quiet fascination.
“When did you even prepare all this?”
“You’re not great at packing supplies and stuff, Chanhee.”
“Ah.”
I had nothing to say to that. Feeling awkward, I silently watched Hyunjae unpack. Among the basic travel items, medical supplies took up an especially large portion. It wasn’t hard to figure out why Hyunjae had packed all these. What was clear was that I was the intended recipient of everything Hyunjae had prepared.
“Hey.”
I called out to Hyunjae on impulse.
“Why are you so good to me?”
And asked the obvious question. New place, new atmosphere. Maybe I was getting emotionally affected by all these changes too. Hyunjae stared at me intently. Then he gave an unexpectedly straightforward answer.
“For the same reason as you.”
What does he even know? I buried my face between my knees. After a moment of silence, I heard Hyunjae move closer. The second I lifted my head slightly, Hyunjae’s face was right there in front of me. Clear skin, slightly downturned eyes, lips that seemed incapable of anything but kindness. Hyunjae, who felt like someone you could lean on anytime. Hyunjae, who was trying to remember me, remember our past. I felt heat prickling behind my eyes. Maybe noticing my embarrassment, Hyunjae smiled gently.
“Chanhee, everything shows on your face more than you realize.”
“What are you even saying…”
I responded, dropping my gaze. I was still overwhelmed by how completely Hyunjae’s eyes were filled with me. And yet at the same time, I wanted Hyunjae to keep looking at me like that forever. My contradictory emotions probably couldn’t be expressed in just a word or a sentence. If I’d read more books, studied harder, would I have known how? Like searching for one specific book in a massive library with shelves packed floor to ceiling, I tried to find the feeling among countless emotions that matched what I was experiencing. But even after repeating nine lifetimes, I hadn’t learned much. That’s why I couldn’t properly express this feeling I shared with Hyunjae.
“But I like the dishonest Chanhee too.”
And yet Hyunjae seemed to understand so much more than I did. Was it because he was the protagonist of this world? Or was it because, unlike me, he’d remained a thoughtful person? Sometimes what Hyunjae felt and said struck me as strange and fascinating. As if he operated on a completely different wavelength than me. Which made me wonder if he was truly just a fictional character from another world who would eventually drift away from me. If he was only feeling these emotions toward me because he was programmed to. If that were true, I’d feel a despair greater than all the countless deaths I’d already experienced.
I was terrified of that. Ah, yes. My emotion, in a single word, was fear. Fear of people, fear of loss, fear of the past, fear of the future.
That’s when it happened. Hyunjae covered my eyes with his hand. With my vision suddenly blocked, my endless spiral of thoughts came to an abrupt stop.
“Don’t do that.”
Do what?
“Don’t think about anything, just…”
How?
Before I could raise any questions, the hand covering my eyes disappeared. And before I could do anything else, Hyunjae’s face came close. An unfamiliar warmth settled on my lips. It was an incredibly warm and soft, tender kiss unlike anything else in the world. In an instant, every thought vanished, and all my senses began converging toward one overwhelming emotion. My heart pounded like it would leap out of my chest. My whole body grew hot, like all that heat would burst straight through the top of my head.
Despite pulling off such a bold and tremendous act, Hyunjae just smiled innocently. Now I could vaguely understand what the system had meant by the “hidden route.”
When I woke up, the sun was already high in the sky. Hyunjae had already washed up and was sitting beside me watching TV. Feeling a bit embarrassed about having slept so deeply with someone right next to me, I fussed with my hair unnecessarily.
“You’re awake?”
At Hyunjae’s gentle voice, I remembered what had happened just a few hours earlier at dawn.
“Yeah… you should’ve woken me up.”
“You looked exhausted.”
While finishing the job of fixing my hair that my hands had fumbled, Hyunjae smiled warmly. How could he act this way so naturally, at just seventeen years old? I couldn’t wrap my head around it.
The entire time I was washing up, I agonized over how to face Hyunjae. This emotion wasn’t like a rushing torrent—it was more like gentle waves gradually soaking in. What I knew for certain was that today, on this uncomfortable, musty blanket, I’d slept more comfortably and deeply than during that terribly long, miserable life. I opened my eyes wide, feeling refreshed for the first time in ages. So this is what it’s like to have a clear head. While experiencing this revelation about something so ordinary, I dried my face with a towel. Among my increasingly clear thoughts, one idea settled firmly in my mind.
I want to be happy.
I wanted that word—something so distant from me—to fall into my grasp, even just a little. That desire took root. If this hidden route was the only path to my happiness, wouldn’t that be a pretty modest wish?
I opened the bathroom door and stood in front of Hyunjae. He got up, ready to dry my wet hair. On impulse, I hugged Hyunjae while he was still holding the towel. Unlike my body, which had gone cold from the water, Hyunjae was so warm. After a moment of surprise, Hyunjae slowly wrapped his arms around me. My heartbeat was so loud it was almost obnoxious, but rather than noise, it felt like a sedative calming me down.
“Yu Hyunjae.”
“Yes.”
“I want to be happy.”
Hyunjae tightened his arms around me.
“You definitely will be.”
If that incredibly long pain had been the preparation process necessary for this moment, then contrary to what Hyunjae thought, I was actually a pretty thoroughly prepared person.
“I’ll make sure of it.”
Hyunjae’s promise sounded like a beautiful lullaby. I nodded. We stayed like that, holding each other, until Hyunjae’s t-shirt was completely soaked through from my undried hair.
