Chapter 15
<Congratulations! The hidden route for the intervened character ‘Yu Hyunjae’ has been unlocked!>
I read and reread that incredibly cheerful sentence. So I just unlocked Hyunjae’s hidden route? After thinking about it for a short while, there was only one reason for entering this route. Hyunjae truly recognized me as being ‘on his side.’ But as easily as I arrived at this answer, an even heavier question followed. If winning Hyunjae’s heart was the key to the hidden route, then what were all my lives at the beginning? Of course, this hidden route was created because of that damned update, but at this point, I felt resentful about why the update had taken so long.
Though I had been trying to ignore it, my psyche—gradually eroded through numerous deaths—was greatly affected by even small doubts and shocks. What mattered to me wasn’t achievement or success as a human being, but simply sustaining life itself. A person whose sole purpose became mere survival could never be happy. Like this moment, where I viewed Hyunjae’s recognition of me as ‘on his side’ not as human joy but merely as a means to extend my life.
But my misfortune never ended there. Whenever there seemed to be even a slight chance of happiness in my situation, I placed at least some hope in it. That always acted like a detonator amplifying my misery. Even knowing that the price of that tiny hope and happiness itself was the cruel repetition of death, I always remained optimistic about the situation. This was a kind of escape. An escape from the fact that I was a powerless being unable to break from the natural order, a marionette without even the freedom to take my own life.
So, in other words, I had hope again.
The futile hope that emerged with the sunrise despite my nightly efforts to give up. I should have felt many emotions about this term ‘hidden route.’ Resentment, anger, irritation, and hope. Ultimately, happiness.
My father eventually stopped his speech when Hyunjae appeared and left the room. Only Hyunjae and I remained. Meeting at a new crossroads rather than that unbearable cliff, Hyunjae wore a slightly different expression than usual.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to listen…”
Hyunjae’s first words were an apology. I shook my head. I felt that if I answered, tears would burst forth immediately. Perhaps noticing my expression, Hyunjae hastily continued.
“I’ll remember everything soon.”
What good would your remembering do?
“Once I remember… I’ll explain everything to your father.”
As if anything would change anyway.
“That you did nothing wrong. That he should let you do whatever you want.”
But why are you always so warm to me at every moment? I finally burst into tears. “Burst” was the only way to describe this immense quantity of sorrow.
Since entering the <hidden route>, Hyunjae had definitely changed. If before he had mostly been passive, following my lead, now he tried more actively to protect me. Though the word “protection” felt a bit awkward, what Hyunjae was doing was indeed protection, bordering on overprotection. Hyunjae came to my room every day to talk with me. Then, like a five-year-old child, he bombarded me with questions. How close were you and I? Did I have anyone besides you? Did you have anyone closer than me?
“Why on earth are you curious about these things?”
I noticed that Hyunjae focused more on reviewing our relationship than on facts from the past. In response to my genuine question, Hyunjae replied.
“Because I’m not curious about anything else.”
“Usually… wouldn’t one first question their own identity… things like that?”
Hyunjae tilted his head.
“It’s the same thing.”
“How is that the same?”
“It is.”
Hyunjae answered firmly. Of course, it was true that we had been close friends, and that Hyunjae’s world as a minor was extremely narrow outside of me, but that couldn’t represent Hyunjae’s identity.
“Usually, identity is entirely about you.”
It was ridiculous to say such a thing when I myself had no ‘self,’ but I sincerely advised him anyway.
“I know.”
Hyunjae replied nonchalantly. I couldn’t understand him. Whether Hyunjae knew my feelings or not, he made a random suggestion.
“Chanhee, when your leg heals, should we go somewhere?”
“Where?”
“The sea.”
I looked straight at Hyunjae.
“It’s cold, you know.”
“My wish.”
“……”
“You promised to grant it.”
I opened my eyes wide in surprise. It felt like returning to that moment—very vaguely remaining in my memory—when I had promised to grant a wish if he received a Grade 1. When I didn’t say anything, Hyunjae placed his hand on my shoulder.
“This must be real.”
The hand on my shoulder was so warm. I barely managed to nod. Hyunjae smiled. Tears flowed without me realizing it. Though it was the same tiresome crying, this time it meant something different. Hyunjae wrapped his arm around my back. I buried myself in his embrace and began to cry harder.
“I’m sorry, Chanhee.”
Hyunjae patted my back. Why is he always so sorry to me?
“I’m really sorry…”
Still nestled in Hyunjae’s arms, I shook my head vigorously. Sensing my movement, Hyunjae laughed softly. He tightened his embrace. I was drawn deeper into that warmth. I didn’t want to lose the warmth of this embrace anymore.
Hyunjae’s memories were incomplete. For instance, he remembered saying he wanted to go to the sea as his wish but didn’t know that the wish was a reward for achieving Grade 1. He knew my throat had been choked by Cha Suhyun but didn’t know I had died from it. Though he was trying to remember every situation, he couldn’t know they were remnants of the past due to my numerous deaths.
I deliberately didn’t enlighten him about this. Just the fact that he remembered, that there was someone who understood my pain, was enough for me to be satisfied. After all, my threshold for satisfaction was lower than anything else.
We walked along the winter beach. The wind, carrying sand, circled the sea for a long time. The wet sand, frozen by the cold, made crunching sounds with each step. The waves filled in each hollow left by our footprints. Hyunjae and I kept walking until the beginning of our footprints was no longer visible.
It was a dark dawn that seemed like it would never brighten. I shivered, my teeth chattering from the cold. Hyunjae wrapped his scarf around me. Feeling a bit embarrassed, I handed him the gloves I had been wearing instead. It was a funny situation. Hyunjae covered his cheeks with his gloved hands.
“Shall we go in?”
“No.”
I was facing the cold with my eyes wide open as if in some sort of contest. I intended to look at the sea until Hyunjae said he was fed up.
“When we have the second selection test.”
“Yes.”
“Come back with Grade 1.”
Hyunjae gave no answer. From his perspective, it was obviously an unreasonable demand. For someone without abilities, the only way to receive Grade 1 was to maximize physical skills. And it was certainly impossible to accomplish that in the remaining time.
“Alright.”
But Hyunjae agreed more readily than I expected. Instead, I was the one who looked up at him with an incredulous expression. Hyunjae smiled absently.
“You told me to do it.”
“……”
“So I think I can do it.”
My face, stiff from the cold to the point of numbness, gradually grew hot with warmth. I turned my back on Hyunjae and started walking quickly. Hyunjae, seemingly flustered, quickened his pace too.
“Walk with me, Chanhee.”
“Shut up.”
“You’ll fall!”
“Be quiet, really.”
I was irritated for no reason. Hyunjae’s footsteps slowed down. Even that action made me feel like my emotions had been exposed, and my entire body began to heat up uncontrollably. Fearing that Hyunjae would be smiling if I looked back, I just kept walking endlessly, looking straight ahead.
