# Chapter 79
The gag in my mouth was removed a few days later, but since then, a healer had been on standby outside. Making me like this but not letting me die—it was so absurd I couldn’t help but laugh.
My feelings now were like the ashes that remain after a blazing fire has been extinguished. I no longer had the energy to resent anything. I felt nothing, as if my heart had been completely emptied.
I vaguely understood why I felt so hollow. It was my last line of defense to protect myself. By not feeling anything, I could avoid being further broken. That’s why I could still maintain my sanity.
Now, even recalling the past didn’t evoke any particular emotion. The fact that I was alive, or the moment of my death. Even my feelings for Boss seemed to have dried up, leaving me numb.
It was all irrelevant to me now. I no longer needed to feel miserable. I no longer needed to suffer. Only when my heart was completely empty could I find stability in this situation.
Though I wonder if this can even be called stability. I forcibly closed my eyes to avoid the faint emotions creeping in. I deliberately scattered my consciousness to drive away unnecessary feelings.
With my eyes closed, my mind gradually became hazy. The pitch-black darkness before me was pure, without any impurities. Perhaps that’s why closing my eyes felt somewhat comforting. Nothing could penetrate this darkness.
But even those precious moments couldn’t last long. I heard someone approaching, and soon after, they entered through the old iron door. Judging by the rough, heavy footsteps, it seemed to be a man.
As I sensed him approaching me, I briefly fell into conflict. Should I keep my eyes closed or open them?
“Why is Boss keeping someone like this alive?”
As my thoughts wavered, the person who approached seemed quite displeased, tapping my leg and grumbling. He wasn’t an organization member who usually came. But the voice wasn’t unfamiliar either. I remembered this voice.
I lifted my heavy eyelids to face him. His red eyes remained the same, but his hair had a grayish tinge, as if he’d dyed it again. The long scar on his left eye clearly proved that he was a person I knew.
“No matter how I look at it, you don’t seem to have any value.”
Still as ill-mannered as ever. The last time I saw him, he looked more youthful, but perhaps because he was in the midst of growing, he now appeared much taller with a sharper overall impression. Though he was still just a kid.
He had been my subordinate when I was alive. I was the one who gave him the name “Un.” I don’t know why, but he particularly followed me well, which I always found fascinating. Though that’s now irrelevant.
“Am I going to die?”
“Do you want to die?”
That question required no special consideration. I opened my mouth as soon as I heard Un’s words.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Would he understand if I explained? Un was a simple human. Even if I spoke, he probably wouldn’t listen properly. It was mere curiosity on his part. So I kept my mouth shut, offering no answer.
“Well, it’s strange to not want to die when you’re in this state.”
As I maintained my silence, Un seemed to have drawn his own conclusion and nodded. Indeed, his personality still hadn’t changed. That light and talkative nature—I think I didn’t mind it in the past, but now it only caused a faint irritation. Perhaps it was because he disturbed the peaceful moment I was having.
“Still, it’s strange that you’re still intact.”
“If you don’t plan to kill me, please leave.”
“Why? Do Peace researchers undergo mental training these days?”
It seemed my words were not being heard by him. As his curiosity remained unresolved, Un kept repeating the act of asking and answering his own questions.
“Is it just that you’re mentally strong? Still, it’s strange that you’re maintaining your sanity.”
My head throbbed at his incessant talking. He truly was an annoyingly noisy person. How many times had I warned him during missions because of that mouth of his?
“What did you come here for?”
I thought I wouldn’t feel tired anymore, but I guess that was a mistake. I could feel the remaining energy draining from me like dust. I’d rather just pass out.
“Boss told me to manage you.”
“What about the previous person?”
“Don’t know, I just came after receiving orders.”
When I was in the organization, positions didn’t change unless something significant happened. Could they have died? Whatever it was, it didn’t matter to me. Even if the person in charge of me changed to Un, nothing would change for my future. Nothing would change until I died.
So I needed to die soon.
“Let’s try using this today.”
Humming as he selected a tool, he looked like he was choosing a toy. A thin, long needle was held in his hand. It wasn’t a tool used frequently, but Un had a strong interest in unusual weapons and tools.
“I’ve been studying this recently, but there’s been no one to use it on.”
It seems needles are his current fixation. He mentioned they could also be used as concealed weapons, but I hadn’t seen anyone use them. He probably got interested after watching some movie. He wouldn’t have learned properly, so he couldn’t use them in real situations. In actual combat, there was a high risk of making mistakes if the weapon wasn’t familiar.
So is this what he wants to try on me? It was a thought typical of him.
“It’s alright, I won’t kill you.”
“You don’t even seem to know how to use it properly…”
I wasn’t particularly scared. After all I’d been through, how could I be frightened by something like that? Rather, thinking that he wouldn’t leave until his interest waned made me mentally weary already.
The person who was here before would leave as soon as I was about to faint, finding me bothersome. Seeing his sparkling eyes, even non-existent hope seemed to be extinguishing. The longer he stayed, the less time I would have to rest in peaceful silence. I don’t understand why it had to be someone like him.
“If you keep talking back, I might just kill you.”
“Didn’t Boss say not to kill me?”
I’d be grateful if he killed me out of anger. But Boss wouldn’t allow that. For whatever reason, he didn’t want me to die. Though simple, Un wasn’t without insight, so he wouldn’t disobey Boss’s will.
“Ah… That’s right.”
As if he had forgotten, Un scratched his head. Seeing such behavior, I couldn’t understand why Boss assigned him to this task. With his personality, it would make more sense for him to be out and about.
“Ah, whatever. Boss hasn’t been coming lately anyway.”
I don’t know how he knew, since it was his first day, but it was true. The once regular visits had become infrequent for a while now. I believe I hadn’t seen him since I asked to be killed.
At first, I was anxious about Boss not coming, but now it was rather comfortable not having to worry unnecessarily. I wish he would just dispose of me quickly. Whether to kill me or save me, he should make a decision so I can prepare.
“In this state, you’ll die soon anyway.”
“I suppose so.”
Not coming could also mean his interest had waned, so that was plausible. As I calmly nodded in agreement with Un’s words, his face wrinkled as if he was looking at something strange.
“…Are you not afraid of dying?”
I don’t know if I’m not afraid. I just don’t feel anything. If I don’t feel anything, does that mean I’m not scared?
“I guess so.”
If that’s the case, I might not fear death. If I were to die, I want it to be a proper death this time. I want to sleep forever without waking up. I absolutely did not want to come back to life.
Looking at me like this, Un muttered as if bewildered.
“Somehow, you seem to fit in here better than at Peace.”
Having been an organization member for 10 years, it was natural that I couldn’t be compared to Peace, where I hadn’t even spent a year. My way of thinking was inevitably influenced by the organization. So it wasn’t unreasonable for Un to think that way.
Although I had memories from before joining Alice, they didn’t have much influence. I had been abandoned without even knowing my parents’ faces and had lived tenaciously until now. It was a world where nobody needed me, yet I survived.
Thinking about it now, it seems like a foolish act. If I had died then, I wouldn’t have come to this situation.
My thoughts seem to be constantly drifting in a negative direction, but I had no desire to stop. Even my parents abandoned me, so why did I try to live back then? I think I knew the reason before.
But now, all memories have faded. Everything is mixed up and broken. To the point where I’ve forgotten the reason I’ve been living.
Is this evidence that I’m going crazy? If so, what happens when I go completely mad? Will I forget even that child’s memories?
“That’s a shame. If you had been my subordinate, I would have taught you well.”
Thoughts that shouldn’t continue were barely cut off by Un’s words. I almost broke my last defensive barrier. To shake off the unpleasant sensation trying to seep in, I focused on Un’s words.
To think there would be a time when he would be of help. Conversations with Un were utterly useless, but just being able to focus on something else was a significant help.
“Your subordinate…”
The idea of being his subordinate was laughable. Un didn’t have the temperament to teach others. He wasn’t one to meekly receive teachings either, but teaching was definitely not for him.
If one were to learn from him, they’d probably be found as a corpse within a week. Un had no way of knowing my thoughts.
At my words, as if suddenly reminded, he began excitedly talking about himself. He had undoubtedly forgotten his purpose for coming here.
I wished someone would take him away, but Un’s mouth never closed. His voice, immersed in memories, unpleasantly struck my mind.
They were my memories that I wanted to forget, alongside his.
