# Chapter 61
As befitting the cold winter, there was no one on the rooftop of the building. Each time I exhaled, white breath drifted into the air. I roughly brushed back my disheveled hair as I walked.
As I approached the railing, the entire view from the building revealed itself at once. As I gazed at the scenery, all sensation seemed to disappear from my fingertips to my entire body.
The landscape visible from the rooftop wasn’t beautiful enough to overcome this cold. The daytime view without sunset or lights was just ordinary. Something you could see from any high place.
But the more ordinary it was, the easier it was to fall into contemplation. I withdrew my unfocused gaze and confronted the true feelings I had consistently wanted to avoid.
Quite some time had passed since I possessed Kane’s body. At first, I only thought I’d live as Kane until he returned, and then I’d go back to where I was supposed to be.
But that thought gradually changed the more I lived Kane’s life, the more attachment I developed to this place. I began to want to continue living.
I tried to suppress it, but as time passed, that feeling only intensified. I didn’t want to go to where I was supposed to go. I didn’t want to face death.
And so, I, who was already dead, became afraid of death.
“I don’t… want to go back.”
I carefully uttered words so quiet they could be carried away by the strong wind.
I didn’t want to die. I wanted to continue living here.
Even if I had to remain in Kane’s body, that would be fine. Now I had reasons to live in this body.
I knew I shouldn’t become attached, so I tried not to, but in the end, I developed feelings for them. My true feelings now were that I didn’t want to leave their side.
I knew this was wrong, but I couldn’t cut these ties. Selfish thoughts kept coming to me.
If Kane never returned, I could continue living like this. Normally, without any worries.
“…That’s not right either.”
But that thought soon changed. Upon reflection, there was no way I could be without worry. The reality was that Kane could return to this body any day. In such a situation, there was no way anxiety could disappear.
I would continuously be gripped by fear. Death would always be waiting at my feet.
I wanted to live normally like others, but I had come too far for that.
All I could do was wait for the death that would eventually come.
That fact was bitter. That I could do nothing but watch.
It would be nice if I could cut off my attachment to this life even now, but I now knew that was impossible. I had become too entangled with them to cut ties.
What should I do in this situation? There was nothing I could do. If only I could forget all my memories, I wouldn’t have these thoughts.
Then I could have lived without giving my heart to anyone—
“Could I have?”
The thought that had lingered briefly disappeared at once. That wasn’t possible. As long as those who approached me remained unchanged, nothing would change.
I had been changed by them. Therefore, even if I lost my memories, I would have been naturally drawn to them. That way, I would be caught in the same worries as now.
In the end, I had to face this situation one way or another. Then would I have to live with this anxiety for the rest of my life? Just thinking about it made for an uneasy future. To the extent that I questioned whether that could even be called ‘living.’
It would be nice if I could somehow shake off this worry. It would have been good to have someone to confide in, but it wasn’t a topic I could speak of carelessly.
To begin with, there wasn’t really anyone suitable for consultation.
*Creeeeak—*
At that moment, a sharp noise pierced through the sound of the wind and struck my ears. That sound awakened my submerged consciousness. I reflexively turned my head toward the door. Then, a familiar figure revealed itself.
“We meet again?”
“You are…”
Tade, who waved his hand with a welcoming expression, came into my view. He was holding a cigarette, suggesting he had come to smoke.
“We met before, right?”
“Yes, but…”
“Why am I acting like we’re close?”
It wasn’t quite that, but his casual manner was strange. Perhaps because of what happened last time, I instinctively became cautious. As Tade approached, I stepped back.
“Strangely, you seem familiar, like I’ve seen you somewhere, so without thinking… Is it uncomfortable?”
His gaze fell on my feet. Though I didn’t create more distance, it was indeed uncomfortable, so I had no intention of speaking indirectly.
“A little.”
“You don’t dislike me, do you?”
“That’s… not it, but.”
While I didn’t dislike him, Tade disregarded my expression of discomfort. Instead, he approached me with a broad smile.
“Then we should become friends.”
“What?”
“I’m good at that. Becoming friends with people I’m awkward with.”
Most people would just walk away, but whether out of brazenness or deliberate intent, Tade never backed down. It was I who was flustered by this.
“Can’t we just remain awkward and go our separate ways…?”
The situation was already complicated enough. I didn’t want to add more concerns.
“If that’s what you want, I can—”
He seemed to step back slightly, but then approached me again. His waist lowered a bit to match my eye level, revealing gentle green eyes.
“You seem to be troubled today.”
“How did you…”
At Tade’s words, the composed expression I had been maintaining crumbled. Like before, how was he able to so accurately pierce through my feelings?
No matter how I thought about it, the situation was suspicious. However, Tade, with his smile full of goodwill, continued speaking as if he knew nothing.
“The atmosphere is too heavy. Since we’re not close, wouldn’t it be easier to talk without burden?”
He was a regular employee, not an ability user. He probably didn’t sense anything, but it seemed my deeply contemplative appearance had given him an opportunity to approach. But somehow I sensed some ulterior motive. Moreover, the words that followed were equally untrustworthy.
“Still—”
I opened my mouth to refuse. But my words were buried by Tade.
“Despite how I look, I can keep secrets.”
Certainly, because of his recent behavior, I might doubt him, but the previous Tade wasn’t untrustworthy. He had shown me such pure goodwill. Besides, I couldn’t share details anyway. So it wouldn’t be much help even if Tade heard.
If that was the case, perhaps I could share a little. I gradually leaned toward speaking.
“I’m just anxious about something.”
After much deliberation, I finally confided in Tade. I didn’t know what he wanted from me, but if that was the case, I could use him too. Perhaps by telling Tade, my heart would become a little lighter.
I began explaining slowly. However, since I couldn’t talk about death, what resulted was extremely vague.
“Hmm… So recently you developed a worry, and you’re anxious because there’s no way to solve it?”
I nodded to his summary of my subject-less story.
“If it’s tangled, you untangle it, if it’s injured, you treat it, but this time I can’t do that.”
This meaningless worry would have to continue. With a hand tinged with dull sensation, I grasped the hem of my white coat. Tade, looking at the wrinkled coat, spoke in a loud voice as if trying to lift my spirits.
“I don’t know your detailed situation, so I can’t say much… but I think you’ll overcome it.”
“Why?”
But unfounded comfort couldn’t resonate. Though my question might have been annoying, he thought carefully and then spoke cautiously.
“I’ve been there too. I had something different from others. But I couldn’t tell anyone. So I could only worry alone, but somehow, it got better.”
It was Tade’s past, similar to my current situation. I focused on his words, waiting for what would come next.
“Since I couldn’t change it, I tried to be content with that reality. As I lived like that, it gradually became okay.”
Indeed, he showed no signs of worry. I didn’t know what circumstances Tade had, but since it was something he couldn’t tell others, it probably wasn’t ordinary.
“But I’m anxious. This reality could shatter at any time.”
However, I still lacked the courage to shake off this fear and focus solely on being content with the present.
“It seems like a serious concern.”
“Yes, so if I can’t solve this worry, I can only continue to be anxious.”
I spoke reflexively but soon regretted it. No matter how vaguely I spoke, I revealed too much of my inner thoughts. As if I were relying on him. This was a problem I had to solve myself from the beginning.
“I’m sorry… I think I’ve burdened you too much.”
I hung my head and apologized. I felt pathetic for carelessly saying unnecessary things due to my frustration. Seeing me like this, he waved his hand, saying it was okay.
“It’s alright. Right now, all I can offer are words, but people change over time. So don’t you think in the future, you’ll be able to shake off that worry too?”
Certainly, that might be the case. I didn’t know what would happen to me. But the assumption of ‘what if’ had continuously weighed on my mind. If I’m this anxious now, what would be different about the future?
“What if it doesn’t?”
When I carefully opened my mouth with impatience, Tade immediately responded as if he had anticipated it.
“Since even superpowers don’t include foresight, no one knows the future. That’s why we can imagine. So in the future, that worry will surely be resolved.”
Though the future was unknown to everyone, his words were filled with certainty. A strong conviction that made the current worry seem futile.
Until now, I had been trapped in the anxiety that I could die again as soon as tomorrow. But maybe even this thought could change someday.
Could I shake off the anxiety, even a little?
As proof, from Tade’s words, I felt as if I had escaped a little from the pit.
“Thank you. Thanks to you, my heart feels a bit lighter.”
When I thought about it alone, it just seemed endlessly bleak, but with his few words, I felt this relieved. I sincerely conveyed my gratitude to Tade.
Although I found it strange that my heart was so easily unburdened, as if it was simple, perhaps I had been waiting for someone to say this to me.
That it would be okay.
Perhaps I wanted those words because I couldn’t say them myself.
