# Chapter 52
As I gaze at the sunset-tinged streets, my body becomes bathed in crimson hues. White breath formed in the cold air, but the thick cardigan kept my body warm.
The view from my home when I was Kay was good, but Kane’s home wasn’t bad either. It was a landscape full of vibrant colors, perfect for falling into contemplation.
Leaning slightly against the balcony railing, I recalled what happened during the day. Alice’s words replayed vividly in my mind as if I could hear them again.
“Good person…”
The conversation ended abruptly when Zenon returned. It was good timing for me since I had nothing else to say, but my mind was still confused as the question hadn’t been completely resolved.
During work hours, I managed to shake off these thoughts by focusing on my tasks. But now that I was alone, they began to flow back in.
Alice must have read my thoughts. Then she should have quickly noticed that I wasn’t a good person. At that time, I didn’t kill anyone because my mission was solely about the rescue, but I had killed many people during other missions.
That’s what I learned in the organization. A place where you die if you don’t kill. Working there, the guilt of killing someone gradually disappeared.
If I were to be consumed by guilt, I wouldn’t be able to carry out Boss’s orders. To survive, I had to erase trivial emotions.
But Boss, who used to give me orders, no longer existed. There was no mission to perform, no need to kill others.
If my previous world was filled with evil, the current one was a world where good and evil coexisted. In a world made up of evil, there’s no need to distinguish evil, but in a world where both good and evil exist, it becomes necessary to distinguish between them.
And looking back at the path I’ve traveled, I was perfect evil. It’s natural that someone who has lived in evil can’t be good.
So I find Alice’s words even more incomprehensible. She knows that my attempt to rescue her wasn’t out of pure kindness, yet she still calls me a good person.
The more I think about it, the more it’s the opposite of Boss. If it were Boss, he would have warned that useless thoughts only waste time. He certainly wouldn’t have offered even a word of comfort. Since anxiety comes from weakness, he might have even made me train instead.
“Ah…”
I realized that the subject of my thoughts had shifted to Boss. Even vaguely connected topics ended up turning toward him. Is it because I miss him that much?
It’s been a month since I last saw him. This is the first time I’ve gone without seeing him for so long. Not being able to see him only made me want to see him more.
It was especially so because I could go meet him. If I were dead, I could at least give up, but surviving like this didn’t make it easy to give up. If we were to meet, there’s so much I want to say. But these words float around in my head, words I probably couldn’t bring myself to say if I actually met him.
Even though I failed the mission and ended up in this situation, my desire to see him hardly changes. If anything, it only grew stronger.
I locked that desire away, but occasionally a powerful impulse would overcome me, making me want to break open the box. And unconsciously, I would find myself turning toward where Boss was.
I managed to turn back by barely holding onto the last thread of rationality, but I couldn’t stop these meaningless actions.
That’s why even now, I find myself looking toward where he is. Among the many buildings, the place where Boss resides. I couldn’t see it exactly, but I could guess.
“What if I had revived?”
I murmured, gazing at the brightly shining buildings. How wonderful would it have been if I had come back as Kay, not through possession? It would be another chance to stand by Boss’s side. Instead of longing like this, he would be there when I turn my head.
Imagining a future with no possibility made my mood sink in complexity. However, contrary to my feelings, the moon, hidden behind clouds, slowly revealed itself, illuminating everything with its bright light.
It was a full moon. Somehow, I seem to often see the full moon in moments like these. I pulled away from the railing as the sky had darkened.
I’d been outside for too long. If I stay any longer in Kane’s body, I might catch a cold. But contrary to that thought, my feet wouldn’t move, as if they had a will of their own.
There was a sense of discomfort as my entire body gradually stiffened. I felt like I had experienced this before.
And on that day too, the full moon was shining brilliantly like this…
That thought didn’t last long. As my body became rigid, it slowly began to collapse. Then my eyelids grew heavy, and darkness filled my vision.
This sensation was also familiar.
The uncomfortable feeling of my body not obeying me, as if being forcibly dragged away. I tried to resist by widening my eyes, but eventually, my vision completely closed.
* * *
Bright light poured in through the wide-open window. A clear full moon that anyone could recognize was prominently placed in the sky.
In a situation where everything was prepared, a deep darkness settled over Boss’s face. It was darkness created by anxiety, impatience, and despair.
Kay wasn’t coming. Despite being in the same situation as usual, he didn’t appear. Boss ran his hand over his face in the silent space. He hoped that his anxious emotions would disappear like that action, but they only grew stronger.
Boss knew. That Kay, who hadn’t awakened, couldn’t come here. But he couldn’t abandon hope.
As always, he wished for Kay to appear before him. Despite knowing how selfish this wish was, Boss dared to wish.
But God didn’t grant that wish. Only a cold sensation, devoid of warmth, touched his skin. Instead of a soft touch, the chill that filled him felt out of place.
“Haah…”
His face, which hadn’t relaxed since Kay’s death, twisted again today. His head throbbed from lack of sleep, and a ringing sound still echoed in his ears.
“Am I seeing hallucinations now too?”
Boss let out a hollow laugh at the faint shadow visible through the curtains. The faint silhouette of a person, which seemed like it would disappear, was clearly a hallucination.
He blinked to chase away the hallucination. He must be going mad now. After blinking several times, the hallucination completely vanished.
But when the hallucination disappeared, something else took its place. It was a small animal. With pointed ears and a fluffy tail.
As soon as he saw that shadow, Boss rose from the sofa. That’s not a hallucination. He approached the window in one breath and swept aside the curtains.
“Kay—”
However, the rising excitement quickly subsided as he stared at the empty floor with no one there. Kay didn’t exist anywhere.
“Was it an illusion…”
There was nothing that could cast a shadow, but there was also no trace of anyone having been there. He must have seen wrong since he hadn’t been in his right mind lately.
Unlike his rush to the window, he returned with powerless steps and leaned against the sofa. When he opened his eyes, regret enveloped him, and when he closed them, the ringing sound and irreversible past overwhelmed him.
The sound, which burst like fireworks, would disappear only to inevitably return. As if telling him not to forget who killed Kay. Boss had no desire to rebel against this. He was aware that he was the one who killed Kay.
“It would be nice if you could blame me directly.”
All the causes lay with him. So Boss wished for Kay, not himself, to punish him. He didn’t mind even if it was death.
He just wanted Kay to wake up safely. He hoped Kay would wake up and live happily. If Kay could experience a happy life, even without him, that would be enough.
But even this was merely his hope. Because Kay hadn’t woken up even after three weeks.
At this point, maybe Kay was wishing not to wake up. After all, saving him in the first place was out of his own selfishness.
If Kay dies like this, Boss will also die. It’s natural since their lifespans are connected. But right now, such thoughts weren’t in his mind. Only Boss’s desperate wish to see Kay resided there.
How wonderful would it be if Kay woke up and came here like before? Out of habit, Boss’s gaze turned toward the window again. And a few seconds later, his eyes widened as if looking at something that couldn’t possibly exist.
An unbelievable sight existed there.
The shadow, which he thought was an illusion, reappeared.
Boss stared intently at the shadow, but it only became clearer and didn’t disappear. A shadow that doesn’t disappear can’t be an illusion.
With hope in his heart, he quickly approached the window. Boss roughly pulled aside the curtain and hurriedly examined where the shadow had been.
But this time too, the shadow was nowhere to be seen. Boss looked down, but Kay wasn’t there either, having disappeared without a trace.
He couldn’t have seen wrong. This time, he was certain. It was definitely Kay. But despite his certainty, he didn’t see Kay’s appearance.
Boss turned around after examining for a long time without the shadow appearing. Had he really gone mad now? Otherwise, there couldn’t be such a clear hallucination.
As he was thinking this, something caught under his foot. He bent down to identify the object that was lightly pushed aside.
“This is…”
A purple flower with a long stem, a subtle fragrance that calms the mind. It was lavender. He carefully picked up the suddenly appearing lavender and looked outside.
The garden outside the house was filled with the same lavender. Boss alternated his gaze between the lavender in the garden and the one in his hand, then spoke.
“It’s the same type.”
To think that lavender that should be in the garden is here. Could it have been blown in by the wind? It was too high for that, and there was no reason for anyone to come here.
However, contrary to that thought, he couldn’t let go of the lavender in his hand. Even though it had no meaning, perhaps because of the illusion he created, he began to assign meaning to this flower. He wanted to think that Kay had given this flower to him.
Boss gazed at the empty veranda and then stepped inside.
And the next morning, a lavender flower placed in a vase was on the table.
Though a single flower was small and delicate, it was strong enough to clearly express its presence.
