# Chapter 38
Nelaim entered in a visibly emaciated state, his head hanging low. His lips were completely chapped from how much he had been biting them. His eyes were swollen as well.
It wasn’t hard to see that Nelaim was blaming himself. Barely steadying his overwhelming breath, he opened his dry lips.
From meeting Kay to the fact that Kay had been terminally ill—all the information Nelaim knew was conveyed directly to Boss.
Though he stumbled over his words occasionally, Nelaim finished speaking without issue, then burst into tears once more.
The emotions he had been holding back must have overwhelmed him again. Inside the room where only the sound of sniffling could be heard, Boss did nothing.
Though he understood the entire situation, he neither lost control nor dismissed it indifferently.
He merely muttered quietly with an unreadable expression.
“A limited lifespan…”
Nelaim’s words came through clearly. Boss could understand all of Kay’s actions. But understanding and accepting were different matters.
After Nelaim finally calmed down and left the room, Boss slowly shifted his gaze.
It was a natural movement, just as always. Shadows fell across Boss’s face as he quietly stared in the direction where Kay would have stood. The shadows that made his expression difficult to discern reflected his current state of mind.
You will never stand here again.
Even after days or years pass, that won’t change.
Because you died. You foolishly went and died.
I told you to come hear my answer. Kay had said he understood.
But you won’t be coming.
“He knew everything…”
Despite knowing all of this, Kay had still given him a positive answer. Boss couldn’t even imagine what Kay must have felt at that time.
While the future had been uncertain for Boss, for Kay, it had been reality.
Within that reality, Kay had made a choice that amounted to suicide. Truly, could there be anyone else so foolish?
In the midst of these thoughts, Boss realized something he hadn’t fully grasped before. That he was the one who had created such a foolish Kay.
Until now, he had never regretted training Kay. He’d thought it was right in order to keep him by his side.
But today, he could no longer say it was right. Now he had no choice but to admit it.
He regretted it. He regretted making Kay make such a choice. Irreparable regret toward himself for having killed Kay.
The emotions he had barely managed to hold back collapsed instantly with this admission. Within that collapse, Boss continued his unchanging regret.
He had thought he would live his entire life without feeling anything. He’d thought that even if Kay died, he would just feel slightly uncomfortable.
Yet he had been so shaken by Kay’s confession.
Trapped in the past, he had failed to accept the present.
“If only I had known…”
What a pathetic sentence. In the past, he couldn’t understand people who said such things. But now, he naturally found himself uttering those same words.
If only I had known, I would have answered Kay’s confession.
I would have cherished him.
I would have given him affection without the harsh training.
Countless words that could no longer be fulfilled kept emerging.
Why did these thoughts keep coming? Was it because an interesting person had died? But somehow, Boss didn’t think that was the reason.
There was definitely another reason. A reason he hadn’t yet recognized.
However, even in these thoughts, he still hadn’t realized it. He only continued his inevitable regret.
* * *
Since they couldn’t recover Kay’s body, they decided to burn his belongings to create a grave for him.
His death had sparked various rumors. From claims that someone with regeneration abilities couldn’t die and must have run away, to suggestions that he had been banished. These rumors were quickly suppressed by the executives, but they still persisted subtly.
Boss rather wished all those rumors were true. At least in those rumors, there was no mention of Kay being dead.
With the sound of the explosion that had been constantly ringing in his ears since some point, he stepped into Kay’s house.
On this day, Kay had learned that he had little time left to live. But faced with such a situation, Boss had been busy giving orders.
As Boss briefly ran his hand over the sofa that remained neat and untouched, he thought: If only I had said even one word of concern for you then, you wouldn’t have died like this.
The regret that had continued since that day relentlessly churned inside him once again.
From when Kay didn’t open the door, no—from when there were irregularities in the report, he should have noticed.
And he should have asked.
Asked what had happened. Asked him to tell him. But he hadn’t.
Had he ever felt so powerless in his life?
In the living room where only a cold warmth remained, Boss suddenly thought:
Even when operations failed, even when people died, he had never felt powerless. Because he had the strength to overturn failures.
But that strength had no effect in this situation.
Even if he staked everything he had, there was nothing he could change. Despite his profound regret, there was nothing he could do.
That fact made him feel utterly powerless.
Carrying the regret and despair that clung to him like a shadow, Boss moved forward. He placed his feet where Kay had walked, following his traces.
Naturally, the place with the most traces of him would be the bedroom. Though he had never seen the bedroom, Kay used to sleep at home, so there should be Kay’s belongings there.
With that in mind, Boss opened the door. But what he didn’t know was that Kay didn’t just sleep in the bedroom, and that he had a hobby.
He couldn’t help but be surprised when the door that had been blocking his view disappeared. He had expected to find simple items at best, like a diary.
But what occupied the bedroom were photographs, so many they couldn’t be captured in a single glance.
Boss’s steps naturally halted at the photos that lined the walls of the bedroom.
“This is…”
It was surprising that Kay had taken photos, but the nature of the photos was even more surprising. Every photo he had taken bore traces of Boss.
From the alley where he had first picked up Kay, to the restaurant they had gone to together, to the suit he had given him. Memories that even Boss had forgotten existed there.
Barely opening his stiffened lips, Boss carefully picked up a photograph. The faded photo, older than any other, wasn’t of an object or place.
All it showed was a date and an alphabet letter.
This was the day he had given Kay his name. Looking at the letter K clearly written below it, he felt an indescribable sensation.
He hadn’t known Kay would photograph even this. It was just a piece of paper he had written on to tell him his name.
“…Kay.”
There was something he hadn’t told Kay. Kay probably thought his name came from the alphabet letter K.
But the truth was slightly different. It was true that at that time, those without names were given names in alphabetical order.
But Kay was an exception. By that logic, his name should have been J. The reason he became Kay instead of J was entirely his own decision.
Boss thought J didn’t suit him. Then something caught his eye.
It was the chess set that Fenil usually played with. Normally he wouldn’t have been interested, but the King placed on the chessboard captured his attention.
The black King stood tall and noble without wavering. To Boss, it looked similar to that boy.
Similar to that boy who still maintained a clean heart despite being dragged through the mud. Was that why he changed the name without hesitation?
On the pristine white paper, not J but K was written. K from King. Could there be a name that suited that boy better?
That’s how he became Kay. But Kay never knew this fact.
“Should I… have told him?”
If only I had told you, who cherished that name so much, its meaning. It would have been better if I had.
The ringing in his ears gradually grew louder. That ringing was increasingly consuming even his thoughts.
It was a sound that hadn’t disappeared for a moment since that day. The explosion sound never stopped.
His brow furrowed deeply, revealing his unpleasant mood.
If it were an ordinary sound, it might have been better. But this explosion sound seemed like Kay’s crying, and that was unbearable.
With this sound, he could imagine Kay wailing and looking at him.
Even in this hallucination, you don’t resent me.
How could Kay love like that? It wasn’t pleasant. It wasn’t entertaining.
It only hurt to the point that his heart felt like it would tear. The words his past self had uttered came back to him in full force.
Faced with Kay’s death, Boss rapidly crumbled. He slowly began to recognize the emotion he had been denying so strongly.
What had been incomprehensible was gradually becoming understood. The reason he had reacted sensitively to Kay’s confession. The reason he had felt anxious at his words. The reason he was regretting his death.
All these reasons pointed in one direction.
It was because he loved Kay.
He could finally realize the name of the emotion he hadn’t recognized for years.
It was love. I was in love with you.
Only now did he realize it.
Only now that you’re gone, I realized that I had been in love with you.
Wow, double release 😄
Still can’t believe Kay died