# Chapter 15
When I stated the truth without hiding anything, Ben’s eyes drooped like a rain-soaked puppy. His quivering lips mumbled words.
“But I like him… That’s why I’m keeping my distance properly.”
“Why are you keeping your distance?”
“He said to become friends, I have to follow what the other person says. So I’m keeping a distance of more than 2 meters as Hans said.”
Ben innocently answered Tade, who asked as if he couldn’t understand.
“…Are you in elementary school?”
Tade, momentarily forgetting formal speech, looked at Ben in disbelief. Ben awkwardly tilted his head at Tade’s attitude, which suggested he was looking at someone who might think apples are watermelons.
“What did I do wrong?”
“You call that reasoning?”
Tade exhaled deeply as if unsure where to begin. Watching Tade choose his words, I couldn’t hide my disappointment.
Was he thinking of explaining? Ben had been easy to manipulate. I suppose this method had its limits too.
Having organized his thoughts, Tade spoke without hiding his incredulous chuckle.
“That’s a slave contract. Who makes friends that way these days?”
“But Hans—”
“It was a lie.”
I stated the truth before things escalated further. Ben then shot me a look full of betrayal, as if wondering how I could do such a thing.
Who’s the one who used mind control on someone they just met? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
“I never intended to become friends with you in the first place.”
This isn’t a social visit. Ben doesn’t have pure goodwill toward me either. He’s just interested because he found someone his ability doesn’t work on. When that interest fades, he’ll naturally distance himself.
Isn’t that no different from using someone? Why should I satisfy someone else’s needs when there’s nothing in it for me? I had neither reason nor obligation.
“What about me then?”
Tade’s hopeful voice came over my firm words.
“You too.”
I didn’t particularly hold any ill feelings toward Tade. Sometimes an inexplicable stirring came, but it wasn’t an unpleasant sensation.
But in the end, we lived in different worlds. Once the mission ends, I’ll return to the organization, and he’ll continue living as before.
Given this obvious fact, I didn’t want to create useless relationships.
“Why are you trying to get close to me?”
A sudden question occurred to me. Tade wasn’t an unsociable person, and in fact, he maintained close relationships with other employees.
But he had a tendency to approach Hans in particular. If I remembered correctly, there was no special confrontation mentioned in the records.
At my question, Tade’s light green eyes deepened as if tracing nostalgia. That appearance was as if he was pulling out a precious memory.
“I’ve been interested since the moment I first saw you. When I want something, I have to have it no matter what.”
Unlike his expression, his words flowed with an eerie atmosphere. It was hard to believe they came from Tade’s mouth.
I thought there was some special memory behind it.
“…That’s not normal.”
Ben quietly spoke toward Tade, who boldly spoke up.
I agree. Judging by these words alone, he wasn’t an ordinary employee either. Seeing my peculiar expression, Tade continued with a hint of laughter.
“Well… We only live once, so isn’t it a loss to give up? Rather than that, even if it doesn’t work out, I should at least try to get what I want.”
My fingertips trembled at the unexpected words. Tade’s words dug into a corner of my heart.
A loss, he says. Certainly, as he said.
Life is only once, and that life is limited. We aren’t given enough time to achieve everything we want before we die.
So even if we know the result will be failure, it’s wise to confront it.
“You could harm others.”
But is it right to pursue what you want even if it hurts those dear to you?
Perhaps that is—
“Wouldn’t that be selfish?”
Selfishness, wouldn’t it?
I felt my words becoming heated, but I couldn’t stop. Even trying to control it, the dam of emotion that had burst couldn’t be easily repaired.
I once wanted to live like Tade. It was salvation I had finally found. Only he had saved me, and could save me.
Craving light after finally emerging from darkness was, in a way, natural.
But that longing didn’t last long. My emotions were just a hindrance to Boss.
My sincere desire to somehow convey to him, to approach him, was nothing but futile.
Boss made a troubled expression whenever I showed my emotions. Though he didn’t explicitly reject me, he was clearly pushing me away.
That’s when I realized. These feelings shouldn’t be revealed.
I didn’t want to see such an expression. I just wanted to reach him, even a little. I never intended to trouble him.
It’s all because of my selfishness. If only I hadn’t been greedy, Boss wouldn’t have made such a face.
Once I knew that, I couldn’t continue with these feelings. It was better for these emotions to disappear rather than make Boss wear such an expression.
I wished for his happiness over mine, for his survival over mine.
For that, I could even let go of these feelings. And so, I slowly organized my emotions that had been rising without knowing their limit.
It was impossible to erase my overflowing heart, but fortunately, I could suppress it. Emotions suppressed to the point of being nearly forgotten left only faint traces.
After that, Boss stopped making that expression toward me. My choice was right. That thought hadn’t changed until now.
Yes, it must have been so.
But why am I wavering so much at Tade’s words? I couldn’t understand why I was sinking into the past with just one word from him.
Unable to open my mouth, I raised my head and blankly stared at Tade.
Despite my sudden question, he drew a curved line at the corner of his mouth without minding.
“I want to live selfishly as much as I can. I don’t want to be held back by a future that hasn’t even happened yet when I could do something.”
Tade’s voice was full of confidence. How could he say such things so casually? It was amazing. Tade speaking as if there wasn’t a single lie.
“Even if the result harms others?”
Again. Words slipped out without me realizing. What answer did I want from him?
Nothing would change even if I heard it. He and I were living opposite lives. It was natural that our values would be different.
But as if somehow knowing the end of this question, words continued to escape me on their own.
Tade scratched his cheek thoughtfully, then promptly gave a clear answer.
“I’m not sure what level of ‘harm’ you’re referring to, but within non-immoral boundaries, I think I would.”
A bright smile like the clear sky after rain hung on his lips.
“Life is short enough as it is. I should think of myself before others.”
I repeated his words internally. Thinking of myself before others… I had never thought that way.
For Boss, I could throw away my life any time. That’s how cheap my life was in front of Boss. That’s what I wanted.
I wanted to be of even a little help to Boss, to be someone he could lean on.
But was that really all I wanted? It was a thought like a proposition I had never doubted. But now I have doubts.
Perhaps I had been suppressing emotions that were trying to break out, telling myself this was enough.
Maybe what I actually wanted was to confess… to tell Boss that I liked him.
“In a word, you’re saying to live as I want.”
“That’s right. I’m still restraining myself because I have some leeway now, but if I had little time left to live, I would have quit the company immediately and lived as I wanted.”
With Tade’s words, I finally understood why I had kept questioning him.
“I see…”
It was because I envied him. I envied Tade who could live selfishly.
I wished for that too. Even if I knew it would harm Boss, I wanted to say it just once.
I wanted to bring out these old, crumbling emotions.
The response didn’t matter. I could be satisfied just by saying it. But it was already too late for that.
The naive me no longer existed. Though I might have been able to convey it in the past, the current me lacked that courage.
I would continue to follow in his footsteps without ever speaking, living that way.
That was the only path available to the current me.
* * *
A fluttering dress swayed in the air. Melia, who was running with rapid footfalls, grabbed Fenil’s jacket in front of her.
The jacket that had been draped over her shoulder shifted downward. With that weight, Fenil looked at her.
“What’s the matter?”
Her green eyes curved warmly. Fenil had a soft spot for Melia and Kay in particular. Especially with Melia, Fenil didn’t even use the swear words that were her habit.
Naturally stroking her lavender hair, Fenil asked.
“What happened to that person?”
Receiving her touch obediently, Melia opened her mouth slightly. Though the sentence lacked a subject, Fenil immediately knew who she was referring to.
“Ah… I handled it well.”
Fenil smiled nonchalantly over the awkward silence. But Melia caught the momentary sense of déjà vu that appeared in her smile.
She thought it was strange from the beginning. From when Fenil was in charge of handling Hans, who needed to be dealt with for the infiltration. Usually, that was her responsibility.
