-96-
I shouldn’t have come here. But this isn’t my fault either. Maybe I should have been more careful. But what should I have been careful about? Various unorganized thoughts echoed chaotically in Jeonggwan’s mind. He wished he could teleport home right now without opening his eyes.
“What’s going on here?”
Just then, a low voice cut through the crowd. It was a very familiar voice to Jeonggwan.
“Park Jihoon. What are you doing?”
“No, hyung. This bastard…!”
“Stop it.”
At Won Junjae’s appearance, Jihoon’s face lit up as if a savior had arrived, his hair a mess as he tried to tattle, but Junjae frowned and stepped in to prevent Jihoon from saying more.
“Ha, Director Won is here?”
“…”
“Director, please control your lover and cousin, okay?”
Geumhyeok’s second son sneered at Junjae with an expression that said, “You’re in for it now.” Everyone clicked their tongues at his pettiness, but Junjae remained silent, simply assessing the situation.
“Really muddying the waters.”
“Th-that bastard, until the end…!”
“Park Jihoon.”
As the provocation started again, Jihoon, bursting with indignation, bristled like an angry Chihuahua once more, but Junjae firmly stopped only Jihoon again.
“Hyung, why are you only stopping me! That bastard started it by picking on Jeonggwan first!”
Originally, Junjae had stopped Jihoon because he knew dealing with such people would only lower their family’s dignity, but Jihoon, unaware of this, expressed his grievance to Junjae, implying that he was just trying to protect Jeonggwan.
“…”
However, this was not a place for childish games of taking sides and humiliating someone. Junjae, who knew better than anyone the reality of this world where those who humiliate others end up humiliated themselves, simply gritted his teeth and maintained silence despite Jihoon’s words.
It wasn’t that Junjae didn’t want to curse at the Seo father and son. He was too famous to not know how they might have belittled Jeonggwan out of jealousy towards him. If he could, he wanted to punch that sneering face, but he knew that if he did, he would be the only one to suffer losses in the future.
Not only was he deeply entangled with the Seo family in business, but his grandfather’s relationship with Chairman Seo was unexpectedly close, so he couldn’t act recklessly. It was enough that his father was the only one in the family who didn’t accept Jeonggwan. If his grandfather, who usually didn’t interfere in such personal matters, turned against him too, he might not only be unable to envision a future with Jeonggwan but could even lose Jeonggwan from his sight immediately.
As the competent director of Wonjae Electronics, Junjae needed to look far ahead to avoid making a big mistake with an immediate wrong judgment, and he had to lead the situation in a way that would benefit him more.
“Jihoon, calm down and come back.”
“…Hmph.”
“And Mr. Seo…”
However, he couldn’t help but feel anger boiling up to his core when he heard that they had messed with Jeonggwan. Jeonggwan was so precious to him that he couldn’t even express his own disappointments. How dare they… Junjae almost let curses fly out of his mouth when he faced the Seo father and son, but he struggled to maintain his composure.
“…Let’s stop this.”
“…Ahem.”
They too seemed unable to continue their disgraceful behavior now that Junjae had arrived, and left with their heads held high as if letting it slide this time. The situation was thus tentatively resolved.
“Jeonggwan.”
As the crowd began to disperse, Junjae immediately looked for Jeonggwan who was behind the people. In fact, he had visually confirmed Jeonggwan’s location as soon as he arrived, but he couldn’t go to him right away because he felt he needed to resolve Jihoon’s issue first. Thinking that Jeonggwan must be very upset now, Junjae approached him to comfort him immediately.
“Are you okay?”
Junjae wasn’t dressed in party attire, suggesting he had come straight from his business trip upon hearing the news. Nevertheless, he looked the most splendid and beautiful among everyone there. Because of this, Jeonggwan’s eyes, which had lifted at Junjae’s call, wavered greatly once again.
“…”
At the police station, Junjae had been as reassuring as family, but here, incomprehensibly, he was making Jeonggwan’s heart the most unsettled. Jeonggwan was wearing the fancy suit Jihoon had bought him, but it felt like it didn’t fit him. Although Junjae wasn’t wearing fancy clothes unlike others, he now felt the most out of place to Jeonggwan.
It was truly ironic. The person he wanted to embrace right now and pour out his upset feelings to was also the person who felt the farthest away. It was incredibly unsettling.
“Jeonggwan…?”
Perhaps noticing Jeonggwan’s unease, Junjae also stopped in his tracks as he was approaching. As if sensing the confusion Jeonggwan was feeling, Junjae took a deep breath.
“For a moment… I want to be alone.”
“…Jeong,”
Junjae opened his mouth urgently as if to say something more, but Jeonggwan avoided his gaze and left the place.
* * *
Jeonggwan, who had come out to the garden behind the hotel, rubbed his arms in the chilly weather and smiled dejectedly. Human instinct is truly animalistic. To feel cold even when the heart is so troubled. But the cold air also seemed to make his head clear and calm.
Jeonggwan slowly walked towards the fountain in the center of the garden. The fountain was lit with blue and yellow lights, creating a very nice atmosphere. It would have been so romantic and nice if he had given Junjae the ring in a place like this. Jeonggwan smiled bitterly, remembering the ring box he had put in his inner pocket. Now was neither the mood nor the atmosphere to give it.
“…It’s okay.”
I’ll give it later. Jeonggwan muttered softly to himself. And then he let out a big sigh. Having left after looking at Junjae with those eyes, he suddenly felt at a loss for how to face Junjae now. Junjae had embraced everything about him, whether his appearance or his background, but he had pushed Junjae away because his wealth was burdensome. What an ugly heart he had. But feeling this ugly heart was also his reality.
“…It’s not okay.”
And now he had to face reality. Perhaps he had been pretending everything was fine all along.
In fact, being teased as a pig, being cursed at, he had tried to brush it all off with an attitude of “whatever,” but maybe he had been keeping it all inside his heart. He had run away from that reality, thinking that if he took such responses seriously, he would only stress himself out and get tired. I’m really okay. It doesn’t bother me at all. That hypnosis was certainly effective. It allowed him to not be easily hurt by such rude words and to take everything as a joke. So others looked at him with respect, saying he had high self-esteem. That he didn’t care about such things because of his high self-esteem.
But here, a question arose. What exactly is high self-esteem? Not being swayed by others’ words and growing maturely on one’s own? If that’s the dictionary definition, he could be said to have high self-esteem. He had certainly developed his own defense mechanism to avoid being swayed by others. But was that the right kind of self-esteem growth that others talked about? If so, then it wasn’t. He had closed his ears and eyes to people who belittled him in order to protect himself, not genuinely respecting others and, by extension, respecting himself.
That’s why this incomplete self would collapse greatly once in a while. When the accumulated anger finally burst out at Won Seongje from the pig teasing, and now when the pretense of being unbothered by the surrounding wealth crumbled under the great pressure, revealing his dejected heart. It collapsed so miserably like this.
But he didn’t want to throw everything away and really run away. Just… he was just acknowledging and accepting this collapsing self. Comforting himself that after being completely exhausted like this once in a while, he would be more okay.
Some might say this method is foolish, but he always thought this was how he grew. Because he collapsed like this this time, next time he would endure and stand stronger. Because he was hurt this much this time, next time he would be tougher, he thought.
“…What do you mean get tougher, I’m not a stone.”
However, Jeonggwan was human after all, and couldn’t just coolly sort things out alone and shake it off.
“No wonder he got divorced with that mentality… Looks like his jealousy towards hyung has gone beyond the maximum. I mean, even so, to treat a person you’re meeting for the first time like that… May his family be cursed with baldness for three generations and hemorrhoids…! No, since Juhwan hyung has hemorrhoids, maybe that’s not appropriate…”
Jeonggwan started muttering, pouring out a barrage of curses against the Seo father and son. In fact, regardless of endurance or whatever, people need to curse like this for their hearts to calm down and for the remaining bitterness to disappear. Pretending to be cool by saying “I don’t care!” only leads to kicking the blanket in bed before sleep.
“Pfft.”
As Jeonggwan was muttering curses like a chant while putting curses on them, a low laugh that seemed to burst out uncontrollably was heard from behind him.
