“It was a somewhat one-sided relationship.”
“By one-sided, you mean—”
I asked carefully then closed my mouth. There’s no reason for me to interfere that far. However, the man seemed to understand the implication I’d omitted and laughed quietly.
“It wasn’t forced, just…”
“Just what.”
“It was a situation that occurred before I was mentally prepared for it.”
Haa…
Frustrated, I clasped my hands together and poked at my innocent lips. Calling that a lover too—the man earnestly defending it looked even more pitiful than before.
“After graduation it naturally ended, then started again after I returned to New York.”
“You lived in New York?”
“Until last year.”
“Are you a Korean-American?”
“I have citizenship but grew up in Korea when I was young.”
“Ah.”
I was silent for a moment then muttered.
“I see… So that’s why you talk like that.”
The artificially neat colloquial speech that made his formal language even more polite finally made sense.
“Is it strange?”
“Well, in some ways it’s better than mine.”
“So it is strange.”
“You’re the most excellent among all the people I know.”
The man’s brow, which had narrowed slightly, smoothed out with a subtly satisfied air.
“Then that was your first time with a man?”
“Yes.”
“It’s been a while. Then it must be hard to break it off, even because of attachment.”
“Half the year is spent abroad, so I don’t really… feel it that much.”
“Haven’t you thought about seeing other people?”
“Well. I’m not very popular.”
Did he just say that as a joke?
The expression staring back at my gaze was just calm and serious. Ha. In me, a charge was added toward the shameless New York gay whose face I don’t even know. How consistently must he have put him down for his confidence to be rock bottom at that level and in that state?
“Maybe I’m inadequate…”
The man rubbed his chin.
“I sometimes think that’s why it flowed into that kind of relationship.”
“I think it was just wrong from the start.”
The angle becomes clear after listening for just 5 minutes. He was playing with a kid. Keeping him like insurance while enjoying this and that person. As a minor with intense memories of a first experience that last like trauma, he must have been easy to handle. Who would want to let go of a convenient and kind-hearted handsome man? An emotion closer to annoyance than a sense of justice swayed like a devil’s tail.
“Don’t cling to it and let it go. If they agreed to it too, that’s one thing, but it’s not a healthy relationship.”
“I know that too.”
“But you still like that person?”
Some people have all the luck.
I was thinking this while idly tapping my cigarette when I turned my head because the answer hadn’t come back for what seemed a bit too long.
“I like them.”
Thump.
My heart reflexively dropped. His large hand gripped my chin as if to fix it in place and gently pushed up the area below my lips.
“Cigarette.”
“Ah.”
I came to my senses and removed the precariously perched cigarette to tap off the ash. Fortunately, the aftershock that shook my heart like an earthquake quickly disappeared. Wow. I almost mistook it for a moment. It was such an intensely thick confession it felt like it would melt on contact. Annoying enough to be jealous of someone whose face I don’t even know.
“It might be a kind of inertia.”
Unlike the distant heat in his confession, the man’s eyes were dry and deep.
“Even if I want to escape, it doesn’t work out as I wish.”
Even after I repositioned the cigarette in my mouth, the man’s fingers didn’t leave my lips. His slowly rubbing fingers pressed firmly, as if turning over the tender inner flesh of my lips. The man looked at me and whispered.
“It would be good if there were a catalyst to end this relationship.”
That murmur sounded so heartbreaking in that moment.
At that lonely appearance like both resignation and appeal, I impulsively opened my mouth.
“Then do you want to cheat with me?”
“What?”
“If it doesn’t exist, just make one.”
The man’s fingers slid smoothly from my curving lips.
“Now that I hear it, there’s nothing to be sorry about. How about it? The year has changed, so why not change men too?”
Playing the role of opening an untouched, unknown seal seems fun too.
The man’s contours and nose bridge were somewhat sharp, unlike his kind eyes. When his expression disappeared, the impression that changed in an instant was completely different from before—cold—but I wasn’t intimidated at all. That’s because he’s such a pure-hearted pushover, right?
“Are you asking me to date you right now?”
“Puhaha…”
I laughed with my shoulders shaking. Wow, fuck, what the hell is that line that wouldn’t even appear in a textbook?
“You said you’re used to it and can’t escape, right? Then try doing the same thing with someone else.”
I added in a voice still tinged with laughter.
“I’ll be your beta tester.”
“I can’t sacrifice someone else for my problems.”
“Who said anything about sacrifice?”
I tilted my head. I could feel the heat of the gaze landing on my cheeks that sank like deep dimples each time I took a drag, on my pursed lips, on my curving eyes. I don’t know if he’s aware of it himself, but the man’s eyes had been tensely chasing me the whole time like a bow drawn taut toward prey. I’m certain. That man is my type, but I’m also that man’s type.
“Let’s meet casually and lightly until we reach some conclusion, with me. An expanding and opening relationship? Nice. Just insert me into it.”
“It’s not such a simple problem…”
“What’s so complicated? You said you didn’t think much when you followed me today anyway, right?”
The man seemed at a loss for words.
“Decide quickly. I have an impatient personality.”
I waved the cigarette that was less than half remaining.
“I’ll only wait until this is finished.”
The force gripping my wrist stopped the cigarette I was bringing back to my lips. Unlike before, with stronger force, the man pulled my hand down. I blinked, alternately looking at my wrist held captive, the cigarette, and the extremely serious man. Is he stopping me from smoking right now? I grinned and advised.
“Cigarettes wear down even if you just leave them.”
Like time.
The man looked at my wrist, the cigarette, and my face alternately with an “Ah” expression. That slightly flustered and confounded gaze moving along the exact same course as my gaze from earlier was really…
“Cute.”
Instead of answering, the grip on my hand strengthened. A mischievous desire rose to observe a good person’s anguish. So instead of teasing more, I grinned and looked at his diagonally bowed forehead. The man who had no lacking features was pretty even to the crown of his head.
Unfortunately, he didn’t show me the rushing agony and conflict I’d expected.
“Then I’ll gladly accept.”
The man who organized his thoughts faster than I expected raised his head. His eyes were, contrary to my guess, calm and intense. And with no trace of anguish, like the sex he’d pounded into me—in a clear and businesslike tone, he said.
“I look forward to working with you.”
Ah, I mean.
“Who talks like that these days?”
“Is it strange?”
“Well. It seems fresh, I guess.”
I threw the cigarette in the ashtray and wrapped both arms around the man’s neck. When I leaned in with my full body weight, my nipples, which had dried and quieted in the meantime, rubbed against his chest. The man’s nipples were still standing stiffly erect like when he was excited. I hugged his shoulders, which had stiffened with tension, perhaps flustered at me suddenly embracing him, and laughed quietly.
“This is the first time I’ve volunteered for something like this.”
“Me too… this is my first time with something like this.”
Serious eyes crashed into me like waves. As if someone watching would think we’d concluded not an affair but a diplomatic treaty, he whispered with solemn seriousness.
“I’ll do my best.”
“Puhaha.”
“I’m serious.”
I like good people.
I smiled and tilted my head at an angle.
And people who can run away anytime.
“I’m hard again.”
At my whisper, the man’s nape flinched.
Beyond a locked door is an unknown world—was it some movie that said that? I rubbed my ass against the man’s thigh. The excitement revived by anticipation for the unknown territory we would tread together was thrilling.
“If we’re done talking, want to go another round?”
Fortunately, the man’s lower half was, unlike his upper half, violent, honest, and rude. Delightfully so, for me.
When I walked out to the hotel lobby, it was an embarrassingly serene and lyrical sunny afternoon. Though the comparison group is insignificant, this was the first time in my shallow experience that I’d spent the morning with a one-night stand.
Of course, that wasn’t by my own will. To be precise, I couldn’t get up until morning. Even now, below my knees felt like plucked strings, vibrating with a zing. As I massaged my stiff shoulders, wondering if I should smoke a cigarette before leaving, the man opened a taxi door.
