Chapter 40
A brief moment of consideration wouldn’t yield an answer. I decided to just go with my heart.
“I heard. They said it’s an important event. Do well and come back. You almost died, so ask for at least a medal.”
“I regret that you’ll be attending alone.”
My eyes widened at Kim Haewon’s words. I never imagined I would hear such a thing. Guides usually don’t go to such award ceremonies. It was difficult to get recognition for their contributions. And since Kim Haewon alone had actually cleared the gate, if they had to pick a representative, it would be right to choose Kim Haewon.
It was a part that no one would think strange. So much so that Kim Haewon saying such things felt surprisingly fresh. I continued in the same manner.
“It’s fine. Originally guides aren’t invited to such events anyway. I’ve never even thought about wanting to go.”
“I’ll make sure this doesn’t happen again from next time.”
“Well, still, it’s nice that someone who suffered together with me cares. I didn’t even expect it.”
“…”
“Isn’t that enough? If the person you worked with recognizes you, that’s sufficient. I don’t really like those crowded, stiff occasions anyway. It’s not like they pay me money for taking lots of photos there.”
Kim Haewon and Nam Ihyeon would be used to it, but for an ordinary person like me, it would be an ordeal. They say everyone has a desire to gain fame… but I was somewhat of an exception. Whether people recognized me or not, I had to maintain proper conduct. Misunderstandings would pile up easily, and stories about me would circulate everywhere. Thinking about it again, it really wasn’t appealing.
“It’s unlikely to happen, but if anything occurs, contact me.”
“I can feel deep distrust toward me in that ‘unlikely to happen.'”
“I can’t say that’s not the case.”
Say it’s not the case. I just clicked my tongue internally and turned my gaze to the window. A shower was falling.
Looking at the dark sky, I seriously mulled over the previous chapter of the novel. What was behind the intense hatred that Jeong Sanghyeop felt? What was in the truth of that incident that made him willing to face death? I wanted to ask Kim Haewon more, but he probably wouldn’t tell me.
“Esper Kim Haewon thinks nothing will happen, but I think this incident isn’t just a simple personal revenge drama. If it were something like that, he could have accomplished it sufficiently on his own.”
“If it’s more than a personal revenge drama, what do you mean?”
“I think the force that stimulated Jeong Sanghyeop is probably targeting the association itself. It’s a space so corrupt that it can’t even be revived. Especially for lower-grade espers and guides.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
Kim Haewon didn’t understand immediately and asked back. No. He would have understood. But he probably didn’t want to understand.
That a force had emerged that could no longer tolerate the absurdities of the association he belonged to and wanted to solve problems violently and systematically.
He might have felt anxiety that he might have to deal with them with his own hands, and recalled the unfortunate moments when today’s colleagues would turn into tomorrow’s enemies.
But I couldn’t let him turn away. These were things Kim Haewon would soon face.
“When I met Guide Han Miyeon today and heard her story, I suddenly thought of the countless deaths that the association hasn’t taken responsibility for.”
“Are you saying there are other people besides Esper Jeong Sanghyeop who were misled?”
“That’s entirely possible.”
“It’s a story with greater impossibility.”
“What I’m saying is don’t forget the ‘what if’ cases. I’d also like it if things don’t happen as Esper Kim Haewon thinks. But it might not work out that way. I’m saying to at least think about that time.”
“It’s hard to understand why I need to think about something that won’t happen.”
I nodded. It meant to do as he pleased. I extended my hand and continued.
“Let’s stop this talk, and since you’re here anyway, receive some guiding before you go.”
“…”
“I’ve heard enough of ‘the guiding is still fine,’ ‘the effect is minimal,’ so skip that. You don’t know what might happen to me tomorrow. Just receive it for now.”
Kim Haewon didn’t give me his hand. I gestured for him to hurry up and give it to me, but Kim Haewon seemed reluctant.
“Why are you refusing? Do you have someone else to send to a white box? You should do it whenever the opportunity arises.”
I walked over to Kim Haewon and grabbed his hand. Then I sat comfortably on the bed. He was standing, but since he was a sturdy SS-class esper, I wasn’t worried. I closed my eyes and continued.
“I’ll start the guiding.”
“Do you know that?”
“I don’t know.”
“…”
“I’m joking, joking. What is it?”
“Never mind.”
Kim Haewon clamped his mouth shut. I thought I had tried to joke around for no reason. The two worst things in the world—first is stopping mid-sentence, and second is… I remembered that story, but even if I said such things, Kim Haewon’s closed mouth probably wouldn’t open.
‘I’ll see everything in the novel later anyway.’
It seemed like I had learned to use the novel quite well now. Feeling somewhat proud inwardly, I began guiding as if stepping into Kim Haewon’s interior.
Kim Haewon’s inner self, now somewhat accustomed to my guiding, welcomed the guiding energy warmly. The moment it touched, it seemed to take me deep inside. I knew that the places I could reach today were limited, but I always wanted to approach one step closer.
When I cleared away the things that seemed cumbersome and extended energy a bit more inward, a small moan came from Kim Haewon’s mouth.
“Nngh.”
At the somewhat pained sound, I hesitated, but soon decided to go a little further. It felt like the surface of hard, solidified mud was touching my fingertips. It was the energy of completely dried, parched earth that was rough and hardened solid, cracked beyond repair, seemingly beyond revival.
It had definitely been wetland until just moments ago, but when I approached one step further, drought-weary land appeared. It was an entirely chaotic space. The complete opposite of Nam Ihyeon’s easy-to-understand interior.
It was a disorder that couldn’t be accumulated in just one or two years. I put the last remaining guiding energy into every crack and crevice of the split earth. Into that interior that absorbed guiding energy endlessly due to its deep grooves, I slowly let flow the things I possessed. I wanted to pour everything out, but if I did that, I would collapse like last time.
An SS-class esper’s inner self had an intensity that completely shook a guide’s basic desires. That’s why more delicate control was needed. At times like this, my 20 years of guiding experience felt like a preparation process for meeting him.
I squeezed out the last energy and withdrew, letting go of his hand. I felt dizzy for a moment, but it was bearable. I leaned against the bed frame and checked the time. Over an hour had already passed.
Kim Haewon seemed to have stood motionless for the entire hour. He just quietly stared down at me, who was almost sprawled on the bed.
The sight of me that Kim Haewon was looking down at must have been quite a spectacle. My face felt hot enough that I could feel it was flushed, and my bangs were stuck randomly to my forehead, soaked with sweat. The expression “completely exhausted” would fit perfectly. Including being somewhat limp like seaweed.
“You want to tell me to sit up properly, right? But no. I need to rest like this for about 30 minutes.”
“I’ve never had such a thought.”
“Your eyes are saying it.”
Kim Haewon’s eyes moved as if trying to capture my entire disheveled appearance. It resembled the gaze of a military instructor who could make trainees stand up without even shouting.
“Breathe.”
“Breathe what?”
“Can’t you breathe properly?”
I laughed because it was absurd. I was breathing the same as usual. Although my breathing had become slightly rough from guiding, it wasn’t noisy like snoring.
“This is serious. Esper Kim Haewon doesn’t even like the way I breathe.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“A person guides with all their heart, and then you tell them to breathe properly…”
“You’ll understand if you look in a mirror.”
“Do I even have the strength to hold a mirror? I’m sleepy… I need to eat dinner. The food here is delicious.”
“Seeing you talk nonsense, you’ll fall asleep soon.”
“If I want to eat twice within meal service hours, it’s tough…”
I closed my eyes just like that. The feeling that I shouldn’t fall asleep like this clashed with the feeling that it would be so nice to fall asleep like this. Kim Haewon, not knowing what was clashing inside me, supported me. I felt him lay me down on the bed. He lifted and placed me down as if lifting some kind of cushion. Even as my consciousness became hazy, I could feel how strong Kim Haewon was.
The moment the blanket was pulled over me, the dinner menu came to mind. The man who brought lunch had shaken me up by saying dinner would be worth looking forward to, so I couldn’t forget. I shouldn’t fall asleep like this and wake up at an awkward time. What I loved most in this ward was definitely, without a doubt, the food. Not the softness of the bed, not the nutrients and recovery supplements that came out regularly. Food that was shocking enough to amaze a man living alone, delicious food with well-balanced nutrients while still being tasty!
“Food…”
I said one syllable with emphasis to appeal that I needed to wake up, but Kim Haewon kindly pulled the blanket up to my chest.
‘No, this person. I shouldn’t fall asleep.’
Unable to say that, as I was sucked into the world of unconsciousness, Kim Haewon’s mouth moved.
“This is why I don’t let you guide other people.”
It was something I couldn’t understand the meaning of at all.
