Cha Jeonghan, much younger than now, confessed with tear-filled eyes to the person who had turned their back on him. That he loved them, that it was because of love.
<I’m sorry for clinging. But I can’t help it.>
“……”
<I don’t want to torment you… I’m trying to forget…. But the love won’t end.>
I was curious if Cha Jeonghan in love would look exactly like that acting out love. I wonder what kind of person and what kind of love Cha Jeonghan—who doesn’t refuse all the people approaching him but dislikes touching them or being deeply entangled with them—would have.
“……”
If I see you in love, would I be able to stop these emotions I must hide? What would it feel like to not love Cha Jeonghan? Is that even possible? Questions poured out but I couldn’t answer even one. And the answer to those questions was being given by Cha Jeonghan on screen—no, by Seo Haejin.
<I don’t know how to end it. Really… I don’t know.>
At Dongyun hyung’s message saying he’d arrive soon, I quickly boiled water. Usually I’d go down to the parking lot and come up with Cha Jeonghan, but today hyung said he’d come up with him, so I didn’t need to go down.
I poured the boiling water so it could be drunk at a suitable temperature after he showered, and when I put in the tea bag Cha Jeonghan liked, the water dyed a pretty red color. While watching it steep appropriately so it wouldn’t get too strong, I heard the sound of the passcode being pressed. I quickly ran to the entrance.
The door opened and my eyes met Cha Jeonghan’s as he entered. When I smiled, a smile spread faintly on Cha Jeonghan’s expressionless face too. Seeing him smile, it seemed his mood was okay, so I felt relieved.
“You were here.”
“Yeah. I came earlier.”
“Good boy.”
Cha Jeonghan, who put on slippers, raised his hand and casually brushed my cheek once as he passed by. My cheek where his hand touched burned hot and I flustered for a moment, forgetting what I should say. Cha Jeonghan carelessly placed his phone and wallet on the dining table and opened the refrigerator to take out a bottle of water.
“When I come home and you’re here, it feels like my home.”
“The filming, how was the filming?”
“The atmosphere was good. The staff were kind too.”
“What concept did you shoot? I’m curious.”
“Ah, I took a few photos. They’re on my phone. Look.”
When I picked up the phone on the dining table, the locked screen unlocked. Cha Jeonghan had registered it so his phone would unlock with my face too. Of course, I rarely unlocked Cha Jeonghan’s phone directly myself, but every time I unlocked it like this with permission, it felt awkward that my face was registered here.
When I entered where the photos were saved, I saw several photos Cha Jeonghan had taken. The soft and playful look contrasted with the strong and cold-looking concept, making it seem like looking at different people.
“Which do you like better? I liked the strong one.”
“I like them all.”
“I’m wrong for asking you. Why do you like everything? Do you like me that much?”
“…Huh?”
Wondering what I’d heard, I lifted my head and Cha Jeonghan on screen was in front of me, very close. Seeing my surprised face must have been amusing because Cha Jeonghan pushed his face a little closer. Truly surprised for a moment, I stepped back one step, and Cha Jeonghan came a little closer than I’d stepped back. Thinking our faces would really touch somewhere at this rate, I kept backing up, and Cha Jeonghan approached teasing me like that.
“You keep running away. Why, do you have something to feel guilty about with me?”
“What would I… what would I have to feel guilty about? Stop fooling around. Why do you keep….”
“You don’t have to run away.”
“How can I not when you keep coming?”
“You could just answer. I’m asking if you like me that much?”
I needed to quickly make this situation clearly into a joke and end it. Otherwise, it felt like Cha Jeonghan would hear my heart beating. No, even if he didn’t hear that, Cha Jeonghan would sense something strange from my flustered face or awkward behavior not knowing what to do.
“W-well, if I don’t like my actor… who would I like? That’s what managers are like. Whatever you do looks pretty….”
“You should have said that from the start. Why were you so surprised and running away?”
“Because you suddenly… brought your face close, I was surprised.”
“Getting surprised over every little thing. Between us.”
Cha Jeonghan, who smiled, habitually stroked my head once then headed to the room. I unnecessarily touched the top of my head where his touch had landed and left, then went to the dining table and took out the tea bag from the tea that had gotten strong.
The ‘between us’ that Cha Jeonghan mentioned was friends. Friends for 13 years. The closest kind of friends who knew each other’s insides without speaking and could grasp moods at a glance just from eye contact. I reminded myself once again of that fact I knew too well. Lately I sometimes tried to cross beyond that thought.
Cha Jeonghan, who came out after showering, received the mug I held out and took a sip of the tea that had cooled to a good drinking temperature. And he stroked my head once again. I liked yet felt troubled by this affectionate skinship that came from Cha Jeonghan’s intimacy.
“How was today?”
Cha Jeonghan, who returned after schedules ended, always asked me how my day was. Honestly, I didn’t live a complex enough life to have something to talk about every day, so the stories I conveyed were all trivial everyday things.
“While deep cleaning, the earphones I’d lost came out of my backpack. They definitely weren’t there.”
“See? I told you they’d be in your bag. Someone as careful as you wouldn’t lose them outside.”
“I was thinking I’d have to buy new ones, but this worked out well. Also…. Also…… There’s nothing particularly to talk about.”
“Just what you were thinking about, what you saw passing by, things like that.”
“……”
I’m always only thinking of you. The words straddling the boundary between joke and truth couldn’t even rise near my lips and soon disappeared.
“Wonwoo asked if I was coming to the gathering, so I couldn’t answer.”
“That bastard’s really persistent too. Is he that oblivious? Or does he want to screw me over?”
“How is that screwing you over?”
“Isn’t he saying you’re sick of being stuck with me?”
“How does it jump to that?”
“Innocent people like you don’t know. People like you who are kind and upright and only think soft thoughts can’t notice these things.”
Cha Jeonghan was greatly misunderstanding me. If he saw inside my heart and head, he might be so shocked he couldn’t say anything, or might tremble with betrayal.
“I know types like Kim Wonwoo well. He keeps bringing me up trying to pull you out, I can’t just leave it.”
“It’s just the kids from senior year gathering… it’s not that malicious or anything.”
“So what about you? Do you want to go? Are you not going?”
“If there’s work I won’t go, but if it’s a day without work… it feels wrong to lie for no reason.”
“Okay. Then if I have work that day, you cleanly won’t go, and if there’s no work, let’s go together.”
At Cha Jeonghan’s words casually saying let’s go together, I momentarily couldn’t find words to answer. Just like Kim Wonwoo said, Cha Jeonghan wasn’t in the same class, but most of the kids who were in the same class as me in senior year remembered being in the same class as Cha Jeonghan too.
“I’ll go with you, pay, and manage the atmosphere.”
“…Well, that should be fine. You know all the kids anyway.”
“I know them all. Well, there won’t be anyone who doesn’t know me, and I know all the kids from your class too. Are we doing it like that?”
“…Yeah. Let’s do that.”
Cha Jeonghan, who organized it cleanly, turned on the television while drinking tea. I watched the channels turning here and there and sincerely hoped and hoped again that Cha Jeonghan would have a schedule that day.
* * *
I knew that desperately hoping didn’t make everything come true, but I didn’t know even such an everyday matter wouldn’t work out. It was a Friday gathering, but Cha Jeonghan had schedules exactly until Thursday and then got to rest just Friday. It was truly an amazing coincidence that couldn’t be done even if trying on purpose.
When I asked Kim Wonwoo if Cha Jeonghan could come too, a more positive reaction came out than expected, coolly saying of course he could come. I thought he’d say something about why he was coming, but it seemed Kim Wonwoo had become an adult after all.
I didn’t think he’d say he was going out to such a place since he didn’t really like meeting people outside of schedules and hated being uncomfortable, but Cha Jeonghan acted like a sincere person. He even got ready before me and came out, urging me to come out quickly.
“If someone saw, they’d think I was going to your gathering.”
“I wouldn’t take you to my gatherings.”
“Why?”
“There are no proper guys around me. Why would I take you to guys like that? Don’t even dream of it.”
He wasn’t dressed up as much as when going on broadcasts, but still, perhaps because the basic frame was good, Cha Jeonghan really didn’t look ordinary. Probably even if he walked down the street with his face completely covered, he was cool enough that people would think he was a celebrity and turn around just looking at his height and style.
Cha Jeonghan, who went down to the parking lot, chose one car among several parked in his parking space and opened the door. Then he gestured for me, standing a bit far away, to come here.
“Where’s the place?”
