“When you met last time, didn’t you say it got better?”
“He can’t ignore me like before. Well, even if something changed, him ignoring me for being a rookie and talking about me to other actors doesn’t just disappear.”
“That’s true. Let’s try not to clash as much as possible.”
Cha Jeonghan, who nodded once, finished eating the salad. On days with filming, he didn’t want to eat anything heavy, so he substituted meals with salads like this. He didn’t really like cold salads, but he always emptied the whole container of this avocado shrimp salad, saying the dressing was delicious.
“When I leave, are you going to the officetel?”
“Yeah. I’ll clean a bit there, rest, then come back.”
“Okay.”
Seeing him completely empty the salad and juice made me feel good. He had a small appetite and tended not to eat well, so I was even touched. I smiled remembering Kim Wonwoo expressing Cha Jeonghan as my son.
“Why?”
“Ah…. I’m happy seeing you eat well.”
“You live for the fun of feeding me.”
“If you know, then eat well.”
“I really wish I could get some enjoyment from eating too.”
Cha Jeonghan, who cleaned up what he’d eaten cleanly on his own, dragged his slippers again toward the bathroom. I liked that large, lean back of Cha Jeonghan like that and kept watching until it completely disappeared from my eyes.
When it was almost 4:30, Dongyun hyung’s message saying he’d arrived at the parking lot rang. I followed Cha Jeonghan, who went out wearing a hat and mask pressed down, and left the house.
It was a house with very good security, but still there was a possibility that someone somewhere was watching Cha Jeonghan, so we had to be careful about everything. It didn’t matter what happened to me, but not Cha Jeonghan. Even if it was a short distance, he absolutely couldn’t be allowed to move alone.
When we went down to the parking lot, Dongyun hyung got out of the car and opened the van door. Cha Jeonghan brushed my back once in greeting and got in. Dongyun hyung, who closed the door, looked at me.
“You were really surprised yesterday, right? Before, some magazine ran a story about Jeonghan moving to an expensive apartment, and I guess they found and figured it out from that. Yesterday I almost killed that manager, and told the company too. This won’t happen again.”
“I didn’t do well either. I should have asked Jeonghan or hyung one more time. I’m sorry. I don’t think I handled myself properly.”
“Hey, the person who gave out someone else’s address and barged in on their own is at fault. How’s Jeonghan’s mood?”
Dongyun hyung glanced at Cha Jeonghan in the car and lowered his voice to a whisper to ask.
“It’s all cleared up.”
“That’s a relief.”
“Contact me when it’s about to end later.”
“Yeah, okay. Go up.”
“Yes. Drive safely.”
Dongyun hyung got in the driver’s seat and the large van moved a little later. I looked at the window that was coated pitch black so the inside couldn’t be seen at all. He’d be leaning back in his seat with his eyes closed, but still I looked at the invisible Cha Jeonghan. Like that, when the car turned in front of me and moved away toward the entrance, one hand came out the window and waved.
“……”
Even from far away, I could tell it was Cha Jeonghan’s hand. Watching Cha Jeonghan wave his hand toward me until the car went up from the parking lot and completely disappeared, I suddenly felt like crying. Sometimes Cha Jeonghan’s kindness hurt me too much.
* * *
I was organizing Cha Jeonghan’s house and doing a deep clean at the officetel when a message came from Kim Wonwoo. At the words to definitely come to the gathering of classmates this time, I couldn’t give a clear answer.
Honestly, I wasn’t comfortable meeting people who knew both me and Cha Jeonghan together. Having graduated from the same high school and university, most of the people I knew knew that Cha Jeonghan and I were stuck together the whole time, and of course knew that Cha Jeonghan had become a famous actor. When I met people after a long time who had seen us constantly together as friends at school like that, they’d ask me what I was doing these days. At times like that, honestly I hesitated a bit on how to answer.
In the year he turned twenty-four, Cha Jeonghan, who had been a cover model for a university magazine, received an offer from a famous agency and debuted as an actor. His appearance was fresh, and his moves were groundbreaking. People liked Cha Jeonghan who caught attention in every way. He rose to stardom in one breath, and Cha Jeonghan instantly became distant from me.
Of course, it wasn’t that our relationship became awkward or anything. As places wanting Cha Jeonghan here and there began to increase, he couldn’t come to school properly, and there were many days when I couldn’t see his face even once a day. I knew it was inevitable and naturally had to be that way, but still, seeing Cha Jeonghan who I could see up close only on a stiff screen wasn’t something I got used to easily.
When I saw through an internet article that he’d been cast as the male lead in a famous writer’s miniseries called <Autumn Night>, I felt distance for the first time. Because it was really such an unfamiliar thing that among the celebrity news casually visible when entering portal sites, there was a story about Cha Jeonghan who had always been with me.
For a long time, really a long time, I stared at Cha Jeonghan’s name in that article title. Every time I looked, my heart fluttered and tightened.
‘Ji Yuhyeon, why are you coming home so late?’
Thinking I’d just dig holes in the ground if I went home, I wandered around anywhere aimlessly for a long time, and in front of the house I returned to late, Cha Jeonghan was there.
‘Jeonghan….’
‘Why didn’t you answer your phone?’
‘My phone?’
When I took out my phone, the battery was dead and it was off. I remembered putting it away after the battery dropped to one bar while looking at Cha Jeonghan’s article.
‘Sorry. It’s off.’
‘I waited.’
‘……’
‘For three hours.’
Cha Jeonghan hated enduring things. He always told me he didn’t feel the need to be patient. That Cha Jeonghan had been standing in front of my house waiting for me for three hours. In the end, my heart that had been fluttering and sinking feeling like we’d grown distant also started beating intensely as if to say it was love.
‘…I’m sorry. Let’s go in quickly.’
Even though it must have been very hard and annoying standing here the whole time since he also hated the heat, Cha Jeonghan didn’t get angry at me at all. When we entered the house and I quickly turned on the air conditioner and gave him a cold ion drink, Cha Jeonghan, who emptied it in one gulp, pulled me to sit down.
‘Yuhyeon.’
‘Yeah.’
‘I can’t do it without you.’
‘……’
At words shaped like a confession, I looked at Cha Jeonghan without even breathing or blinking. Cha Jeonghan looked at me like that quietly, then continued.
‘I’m anxious without you.’
‘……’
‘I can’t live without you. I can’t do anything alone.’
‘……’
‘Stay with me.’
I knew too well that it wasn’t the meaning of love, but Cha Jeonghan’s words asking me to stay with him were absolutely something I couldn’t refuse. Back then I couldn’t be as calm as now, and my heart would drop at even one of Cha Jeonghan’s words or one movement of his eyes, so it was even more so. Of course, even if I heard those words now, I would have been with Cha Jeonghan. Because I had no other choice.
From then on, I spent almost all my time with Cha Jeonghan. Cha Jeonghan’s agency questioned my existence, but as time passed, the agency also thought of me as Cha Jeonghan’s unofficial mental care manager and paid me a salary and respected me.
The words sounded grand, but actually what I did was just spend time with Cha Jeonghan. When he came back after schedules ended, we’d eat what he wanted to eat, and I’d listen to Cha Jeonghan’s accumulated stories. If he wanted to hear my stories I’d tell them, and if he wanted to go for a drive we’d go for a drive together. I was doing the work of protecting so that Cha Jeonghan’s remaining minimal daily life wouldn’t disappear.
From twenty-four until now at thirty, I’d been together next to Cha Jeonghan for 7 years in counted years. I had no regrets, and it was such a good time for me. Looking closely inside, there were definitely times that hurt and moments of crisis, but just being able to be next to Cha Jeonghan who I loved and him needing me was a happy time for me.
But friends didn’t understand me like this. When I said I was working with Cha Jeonghan, they looked at me pathetically saying they knew it would be like that, and poured out bad speculations saying Cha Jeonghan was using and working me. I hated that. I hated them talking without even knowing and speaking badly of Cha Jeonghan, so I tried not to go to such gatherings as much as possible. Because Cha Jeonghan wasn’t that kind of person.
“……”
While hesitating about what to reply to Kim Wonwoo’s message, I just postponed it for later. Next week was busy right away so I couldn’t say I wouldn’t go, but I didn’t want to leave room as if I would go either.
I put down the vacuum cleaner and phone and turned on the next episode of <Autumn Night> that I’d stopped watching. I’d already watched it countless times so I’d memorized the lines, scenes, and even the details of Cha Jeonghan’s expressions, but each time I watched I could see things I hadn’t seen before, which was nice.
<I love you. It’s because I love you.>
