Whenever I said something, Cha Jeonghan would always look into my eyes. Sometimes he’d just look without answering, and I’d often fall silent too.
‘This is why I like you.’
‘……’
‘I really only have you, Yuhyeon.’
‘…How can you say such things so casually?’
‘Because it’s true. It’s not a lie.’
Cha Jeonghan would sometimes say things that made me wonder ‘do friends normally say these things out loud?’ really casually to me. I only have you, I’m glad you’re here, this is why I like you. Words that were awkward and only ticklish at first gradually became familiar. I was happy that I seemed to have become Cha Jeonghan’s good friend.
Back then, that was definitely it. I was happy just becoming friends.
* * *
Cha Jeonghan, who came out after showering, came to the sofa where I was and lay down with his head on my legs. It was a familiar thing, but every time this happened, I still couldn’t be bold and couldn’t breathe well.
“Tomorrow’s filming is in the afternoon, right?”
“Yeah. I should sleep in.”
“Go inside and sleep. If you sleep here, you’ll have to wake up in the middle.”
“Okay. Just five minutes. This is the most comfortable for me.”
“……”
In the living room with the lights off, only the light from the movie I’d put on flickered here and there. I lightly brushed Cha Jeonghan’s hair that had brightened in that light, then quickly withdrew my hand. I tried not to, but sometimes the desire to touch would suddenly overflow without me knowing.
“That drama I mentioned recently.”
“Yeah. The one where you play a chaebol?”
“Yeah. I’m thinking of doing it. I was going to pass because it was a chaebol again and might overlap with last time, but seeing the additional script they sent, it’s interesting. He’s not a good guy either.”
“Is it a villain role this time?”
“Not quite a villain, but you know that thing? He’s clearly a bad guy but you’re drawn to him. Exactly that. It’s a one-top so I’ll die during filming though. Look at the script tomorrow. I’ll leave it.”
“Okay. Honestly, it’s more fun for me when you have a lot of scenes. Though it’s hard for you filming.”
Cha Jeonghan, who had been lying sideways with his head on my thigh watching the screen, turned his body to look up at me. The moment our eyes met, my fingertips in places he couldn’t see became stiff with unnecessary tension.
“You watch my dramas to see me.”
“…Of course. I watch dramas you’re in to see you.”
“Fans at least watch the content though. Even though you watch Autumn Night like that, you don’t know the content.”
“I know the content too.”
“You don’t, you don’t know.”
“Listen carefully. I’ll tell you from episode 1. Seo Haejin goes down to his hometown after a long time. At that hometown train station he went down to, there’s someone working… Why are you laughing? It’s right, the content.”
Cha Jeonghan, who had been looking with eyes full of mischief, laughed out loud and raised his hand. The moment I thought it would touch, Cha Jeonghan’s fingertips really gently stroked my cheek. I was trembling so much I wanted to push Cha Jeonghan away and run.
“You get fooled again and again like that.”
At the touch now completely fondling my cheek, my heart felt like it would pop out and I couldn’t endure it any longer. When I lifted Cha Jeonghan who was lying on my thigh and stood up from my seat, Cha Jeonghan grabbed my wrist.
“You’re leaving? Are you leaving because I teased you?”
“You need to rest.”
“When have I ever not been able to rest because you were here?”
“When I came out, I saw your house is a mess. I need to clean, and I’m meeting Wonwoo tomorrow so I’m going home to sleep.”
“Kim Wonwoo? Why Kim Wonwoo all of a sudden?”
“He said tomorrow’s his day off using monthly leave.”
“Why is he meeting you on his day off using monthly leave?”
The hand holding my wrist put in a little more strength. Cha Jeonghan, who pulled me to sit back on the sofa, started interrogating me.
“It’s been a while since we met….”
“You met last month. The day of the fashion magazine shoot.”
“You remember that?”
“Yeah, so I called but Kim Wonwoo answered. Saying he’s nervous answering a star’s call and whatnot. How annoyed I was then, would I forget that?”
Kim Wonwoo was a friend who was in the same class as me in senior year. With Cha Jeonghan, he was in the same class in first and second year of high school, but they were in different classes for the first time in senior year. The first person I worked with on school matters after going up to senior year was Kim Wonwoo. It was natural we became close.
“Don’t go, I have filming tomorrow too, and Kim Wonwoo is annoying.”
“Why do you hate Wonwoo so much?”
“Does Kim Wonwoo like me?”
“……”
“There’s your answer.”
Cha Jeonghan didn’t really like me meeting anyone else. He’d told me several times with an unbothered face that he felt like he was losing me—his longtime and only friend he could open up to—to other people. For whatever reason, it was a happy thing that Cha Jeonghan needed me.
“How can I suddenly break a promise? I’ll just eat lunch and come back.”
“Before I go to filming?”
“Of course. When have I ever made plans when you had work?”
At my words, Cha Jeonghan with a displeased face carelessly leaned his back on the sofa and stubbornly fixed his gaze on the television screen.
“Fine, so sleep here. All your clothes are here anyway.”
“The cleaning too….”
“I’ll call someone for the cleaning.”
“…Don’t call anyone. I’ll go do it tomorrow. How much could there be to call someone?”
“Do you think I’m sending you home to clean? I told you that place is just where you keep your stuff. Lately you keep saying you’re going home and trying not to sleep here, don’t do that.”
“……”
“I get hurt when you do that.”
Cha Jeonghan was sensitive to loneliness. No, the word ‘sensitive’ couldn’t explain his loneliness. No one looking at Cha Jeonghan on the surface would think he lived buried in loneliness, but having watched him from the side for 13 years, I knew how easily Cha Jeonghan was swept away by fragile emotions.
So from the moment I knew that, I never wanted to make Cha Jeonghan lonely. That was always what I thought of first. Not making Cha Jeonghan lonely.
“Okay. That hurt you?”
“Then wouldn’t it hurt? You’re always ready to leave.”
“You don’t like being with anyone on days when you’re in a bad mood.”
“You should exclude yourself from ‘anyone.’ Don’t you know that yet?”
“……”
“Why would I hate being with other people? They’re oblivious, they’re annoying, and then they read my mood. Why would I put you with people like that? Are you a stranger to me?”
Cha Jeonghan saying that made me grateful but also hurt a little on one hand. It seemed abnormal that I was the one secretly liking Cha Jeonghan alone for 13 years when he trusted and relied on me as a friend like this. That thought instantly turned into needles and wildly stabbed my heart.
“Yuhyeon.”
“……”
“I only have you.”
I only have you too. The one I love is you. My breath was blocked by the sound that lingered in my heart unable to form. It could go down but this sound could never rise above my heart. Not once, really not even once had I voiced it.
“So don’t act like you’re distancing yourself. Okay? I really get anxious when you do that.”
“When did I do that…. Okay. I won’t. I’ll sleep here. No, I’ll sleep here like I used to, the officetel is a storage place, you’re all right. You’re right so calm down.”
“I’m calm.”
Cha Jeonghan, who smiled slightly, lay down with his head on my thigh again. The light simultaneously captured his gaze toward the screen and my gaze touching him sparkled. I very lightly brushed his disheveled hair, light enough that affection wouldn’t show.
“……”
I felt the words that had been lingering in my heart slowly sink down to that deep place. It was such a familiar thing that it wasn’t even sad anymore.
* * *
I’d arranged to meet Kim Wonwoo at 12, so I left the house around 11, and Cha Jeonghan looked at me with a displeased face while drinking water. I waved once at Cha Jeonghan who had deliberately followed me all the way to the entrance sending me a sulky look, then left the house. Honestly, leaving him alone to meet Kim Wonwoo didn’t make me feel very comfortable.
When I arrived at the meeting place, Kim Wonwoo had arrived first and was waiting for me. Kim Wonwoo, who smiled when he saw me, brought up everyday conversation saying he arrived quickly because traffic wasn’t bad.
“How did you come leaving your son behind?”
“Son?”
“You know, that son who cries without you. That famous young master.”
